H and I spent some time together this weekend.. he was very nice.. and wanted more.. wanted me to spend the night... etc... I have a very hard time with this... as he is not really meeting my needs... at home... and with money... otherwise.. he is starting to make love depostis... back in the account as far as wanting to have fun with me and spend time with me... and talk... it just hurts.. not to have him home..<p>any thoughts?<p>RMM

Honey,<p>Your pain is all too familiar. It feels worse when WH & I make some progress - Have some fun... It hurts because I WANT MORE & he's not ready for more. I spent a weekend out of town with WH in January & it was great. We had fun, exchanged "looks" like we havn't in many years. Did some fun things together. He seemed more relaxed. when we parted, I cried no, I shook and cried. It hurt soooo much.<p>Later, I find out that he's calling OW 1 & 2 (I did suspect it) But, they are all "just friends"

It's a good sign that he's responding to you. But from what I can see on these boards, we need to be prepared for the roller coaster ride of our lives. <p>I liked CarolK's post on being hard to get & taking it slow. Might be good to read or reread.<p>Question - Is WH going to AA? If so, what are the details..ie, does he havea sponsor, does he go to meetings, how often....<p>God Bless & keep you.<p> <p>
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Hoeny,<p>Here are more thoughts -<p>I am now glad WH is not living here. I get to work on me. Also, it creates a boundary, that he has to "knock" to see if he can come in. I am looking forward to the rediscovery part. Kind of like dating & rediscovering each other all over again. <p>When my WH admitted to 2 PA's, I set the stage by saying let's get back to when we were just friends before starting to date. Let's recapure that & work form there. That posture has really helped me (and a male posted the same thing a week or 2 ago... can't remember who BRW? JR????) <p>By looking at WH as his friend, it has released me! I actually have enjoyed the last two weeks. I've been more at ease & have found pleasure in family and friends again.<p>Honey, I don't know if any of this helps...Just take your time, don't rush things...be yourself...but don't be available all the time.<p>You may need to tell me those same words in the future, but for right now I feel pretty darn good. YOU WILL 2

My H is not in recovery or attending aa... still drinking, but not as much without the barfly ow... he now says he did not know what he was thinking... I just wish.. he would come back to this planet... he still says... we don't get along.. that is why I ca n't live with you... it is awful... we go out to eat.. have fun with kids, etc... and then it is time for me to go... he even sd when we were all together yesterday... I'm going to miss all of ya'll when you go home... at least there is no ow... anymore.. for the moment... another fear of mine... if I do not meet his sf needs, he will find another ow while we are seperated... it is really scary... I do not want to live this way anymore... <p>Yes, it is better working it out... some.. than none.. but why does it have to take sooo long..?<p>thanks for the reply.. it does make it hurt worse to just go home and have the same mess starting you in the face.. when it could be so easy .. if only he... <p>Thanks, rmm

thanks for second reply.. when I look at it, as it used to be.. dating phase.. that is fine... and I know my H did not like that much .. and wanted me all the time... probally as soon as he makes up his mind.. he will just come home.. he even sd.. he is just not ready yet... granted... I am a long long way from wher things were 5+ months agao... it is just so hard, and it really bothers. me about all of this seperation with the kids.. but they spent today with him and that gave me some time..<p>I have been cleaning and trying to make house nice again,,, My depression took me over the edge on letting house get out of controllll I ha ve been way depressed,,<p>I hung curtains last night... and that made me feel great... Also knowing I can do whatever I weant... really makes me happy...! <p>I know it will get better, thanks for the support... I just get so angry when I go home... I have anger problem.... I lb, I start to cry... I just had to walk out yesterday... I had to go and ck on the dog and cat... and I decided to let kids... stay... H was not pushing me out... but I had to go feed animals... and later he even called and invited me to come over... at 11 pm? He had been drinking and wanted me to spend the night...oops.. he is back to his old ways... <p>When he drinks.. he starts to get looser with his lips and calls to ask me to come over.. but this is all late at night... My H is basically a funcitional drinker... fine during the day, etc.. it is nighttime... that he starts and gets too bombed... it is very very sad..<p>anyway... I stil l love him and the drinking situation just got worse with ow in the pic...it seems to be calming down... it was like a big drunkien / ow binge- I think H realizes that kind of life is not what he wants... <p>Just so strange to see someone who would of never done this in their right mind... during your whole marriage.. doing exactly this to you... <p>I know eventually he will want to come home.. I just ssee it,,the question is, will I still want him, by the time he has hurt me more and more and more? thanks again.<p>honey

back off. make him earn it. He needs to suffer for a while.

HONEY,<p>So much of what you have to say hits home.
My WH says that we don't get along & he couldn't deal with it & that's why he left. <p>My house is not in good shape either. I never did win any homemaking awards. Of course that is big thing with WH. <p>I found something that has really helped me know how to communicate with my WH in a way that HE responds to - Check out Lifecoachinginternational.net - I took the Tempramental Analysis test & then did a coaching session (very reasonable) & did a quick on on WH & the results have been amazing. this stuff works.<p>Mind you it doesn't work overnight, but I', ok with that now.<p>As for SF, I havn't done it since Dday 1 (Oct 9, 01) Yipes!!!I just can't do it, nor does he try at this point. 10 years ago, i believe WH had a fling & I did SF then, I mean UNREAL SF & it was a lot of fun. I never confronted then (only knew about Dobson's plan B & I wasn't ready for that.) <p>I may not want WH when he ddcides he wants me. Actually I don't want him back. AND I don't want the old me back either. Only if we are both willing to grow and work at this do I want this M. My kids tell me not to stay together for them. I'm taking it slow & making plans for plan B. Interestingly, at first I thought of it as a ploy to get WH back. Now, I truley see it is for me. <p>As for alcohol, My WH & I used to be drinking buddies. He went to rehab 10 years ago. There I found AA at family weekeend & have been sober ever since. WH after a few years started to drink again. Now, OW 1 & 2 are drinking buddies.
In AA, I see the most wonderful men, the ones who are working the program. I will pray that your WH finds AA & really commits himself to it. I don't know if he is an alcoholic but I don't know that he isn't one. <p>How old are your kids?

Hi and thanks for reply again.. my kids are 9 and 3... I too want a differnt and better marriage.. there were problems. and I want so much to change.. but it is not all me... I was the resentful angry one... H the irrespsonsible one... I am just so tired.. now going to bed.. I wanted to thank you for your reply... I go between just wanting him here regardless... and knowing that what I really want is a changed H, less or NO drinking, and more committment and responsible H... I am just so sad that our marriage ever got to a low point.<p>Honey

HONEY,

Honey,<p>OOPS - hit add reply button before I could post!<p>I understand the part about just wanting him home & wanting a changed man. In the past, I just wanted him. Lately, Ive realized that we are having the same problems as the ones when we first met. I guess I am so sick & tired of going through this again and again, that I'm willing and at this point ok that he is not home. I don't want him home until he is willing to grow & look at our M together. <p>WH has started to say I love you when he leaves a message & once even said it to me direct over the phone. Thats a step in the right direction. <p>I was up late last night too & now feel zonked. I'm working on a project with WH & another friend of ours (we all work together) <p>Hang in there honey. I love the affirmation you gave someone else - " I am a wonderful, smart, sexy, beautiful woman." & say it often. Am a big believer in affirmations. Maybe you could write one out for yourself concerning the waiting.<p>Time frames can make us feel frustrated & hopeless. I'ts in God's time not our own. Several years back, we were displaced from our home for environmental problems. I kept saying March we'll be back in the house & everything will be ok, then April, May.... Here is is 10 years later & we never went back to the house. I drove myself cray as long as I EXPECTED something to happen then. What actually happened turned out much better than I would have envisioned for myself- because it gave me the basis of being me (the me in God's image, at least to the best I can)<p>There are lots of stories in AA where spouse & others prayed for an alcoholic & years later got sober. Many times the alcoh. credit prayer for bringing him/her to the point where they will accept help. AA is a program of living not just quitting alcohol. It fits right in with MB prinicpals. Usually an alcoholic isn't ready to address others ENs while drinking cuz they act SOOOOO selfish (you already know that!)<p>I'm rambling....got to get back to my project.<p>Honey you already are restoring your marriage [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Honey,<p>OOPS - hit add reply button before I could post!<p>I understand the part about just wanting him home & wanting a changed man. In the past, I just wanted him. Lately, Ive realized that we are having the same problems as the ones when we first met. I guess I am so sick & tired of going through this again and again, that I'm willing and at this point ok that he is not home. I don't want him home until he is willing to grow & look at our M together. <p>WH has started to say I love you when he leaves a message & once even said it to me direct over the phone. Thats a step in the right direction. <p>I was up late last night too & now feel zonked. I'm working on a project with WH & another friend of ours (we all work together) <p>Hang in there honey. I love the affirmation you gave someone else - " I am a wonderful, smart, sexy, beautiful woman." & say it often. Am a big believer in affirmations. Maybe you could write one out for yourself concerning the waiting.<p>Time frames can make us feel frustrated & hopeless. I'ts in God's time not our own. Several years back, we were displaced from our home for environmental problems. I kept saying March we'll be back in the house & everything will be ok, then April, May.... Here is is 10 years later & we never went back to the house. I drove myself cray as long as I EXPECTED something to happen then. What actually happened turned out much better than I would have envisioned for myself- because it gave me the basis of being me (the me in God's image, at least to the best I can)<p>There are lots of stories in AA where spouse & others prayed for an alcoholic & years later got sober. Many times the alcoh. credit prayer for bringing him/her to the point where they will accept help. AA is a program of living not just quitting alcohol. It fits right in with MB prinicpals. Usually an alcoholic isn't ready to address others ENs while drinking cuz they act SOOOOO selfish (you already know that!)<p>I'm rambling....got to get back to my project.<p>Honey you already are restoring your marriage [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Honey,<p>OOPS - hit add reply button before I could post!<p>I understand the part about just wanting him home & wanting a changed man. In the past, I just wanted him. Lately, Ive realized that we are having the same problems as the ones when we first met. I guess I am so sick & tired of going through this again and again, that I'm willing and at this point ok that he is not home. I don't want him home until he is willing to grow & look at our M together. <p>WH has started to say I love you when he leaves a message & once even said it to me direct over the phone. Thats a step in the right direction. <p>I was up late last night too & now feel zonked. I'm working on a project with WH & another friend of ours (we all work together) <p>Hang in there honey. I love the affirmation you gave someone else - " I am a wonderful, smart, sexy, beautiful woman." & say it often. Am a big believer in affirmations. Maybe you could write one out for yourself concerning the waiting.<p>Time frames can make us feel frustrated & hopeless. I'ts in God's time not our own. Several years back, we were displaced from our home for environmental problems. I kept saying March we'll be back in the house & everything will be ok, then April, May.... Here is is 10 years later & we never went back to the house. I drove myself cray as long as I EXPECTED something to happen then. What actually happened turned out much better than I would have envisioned for myself- because it gave me the basis of being me (the me in God's image, at least to the best I can)<p>There are lots of stories in AA where spouse & others prayed for an alcoholic & years later got sober. Many times the alcoh. credit prayer for bringing him/her to the point where they will accept help. AA is a program of living not just quitting alcohol. It fits right in with MB prinicpals. Usually an alcoholic isn't ready to address others ENs while drinking cuz they act SOOOOO selfish (you already know that!)<p>I'm rambling....got to get back to my project.<p>Honey you already are restoring your marriage [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

I really goofed - must have hit the post a reply button a FEW times!!!!SOORRYYY [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

thanks, will get through this... I appreciate the help... it is long and crzy,,,one minute my H acts one way ... the next another.. my therapist suggested charting his sttements... actions and attitudes over a 2 month time period... says if he keeps saying the same thing for 2 months then he must mean it... thanks again, H

Charting WH's progress is a good idea, but charting yours is even better. I keep a semi-formal journal of stuff and was looking at it the other day. I was amazed at how far I had come, some of the stuff I wrote down right after DDay seemed to be the ramblings of a lunatic! It was a real boost for me to read this, 'I've come a long way, baby'<p>Answer your original question with WHY? Why wait for WH to come around? Why worry about what he is/is not doing? This is Honey's time to shine and you know she will!<p>I too want to be with WS more than anything in the world, as far as I am concerned, she is the one and only for me! But, that aint going to happen right now so I have to take the good with the bad. We have had some good times together lately and I too want more, but I know I cant have it. Be patient Honey, expect nothing and you wont be disappointed. Be the best Honey you can be and sooner or later, WH will figure out what a wonderful person he may be loosing.<p>It's a four smile day today [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] !

Here's a reading from an alanon book Feb 28th-
I'm substituting A for Alcohol....<p>[QUOTE] We are advised to detach our minds and emotions from the problems created by A's. this does not mean detachment from the WS, who needs our loving and understanding. When I learn to disentangle myself from a dificulty, it will be easier to think it through. I will remind myself to pause and analysze. This will keep me from implusive decisions and give me time to devise constructiveaction. (PLAN A) Each time this happens, it may seem a small conquest, but each time helps me to build a serene stability.<p>-Let God guide my thoughts and let tese guide my actions"<p>
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