I began entering chat rooms some 3 years ago. I have battled a sexual addiction since I was a teenager. Primarily fatasizing, some phone sex...then cyber sex. I began a relationship with a lady I met in a chat room. She was internet "dating" another man... and for a while she "saw" us both on-line. We fell in love or as much as you can be on line. She recently ended her other internet relationship. She is divorced. I am married.<p>I am also a Christian and I know my spiritual life, my marriage and even my sleep and rest are being jeopardized by this on going relationship. I have no peace and a lot of guilt. God has blessed me with so much. I have a wonderful, devoted wife. I am neglecting her for this on-line affair. I want my life back... but I don't know how to end this relationship. I feel just vanishing is not right. I have thought about e-mailing, but is that the way to end something so emotional? I feel if I end it in a chat session or instant messaging, the emotion will be overwhelming. I am actively involved in my church and I know if I confess this there, I cause a lot of heartache and scandalous conversation. If I tell my wife, she will be crushed. What a mess. My on-line lover has been told by other chatters and her previous on-line relationship that I would dump her, that she made a mistake wanting an exclusive on-line relationship with me.<p>With so many different emotions, this is not easy. I litterally wish I had never heard of chat or messaging.<p>Thank you for you insight, for your prayers and thank you for a place to have this kind of discussion for people who are suffering from this kind of emotional bondage.<p>God Bless you.

Hi Welcome to Marriage Builders,<p>You have an advantage......you want your life back. Good start. Now comes the hard part. You have learned some bad habits and your emotional needs are tied in with someone outside your marital commitment. This is more serious than just a piece of paper. <p>Here's where you can start. Before you tell your W, you can learn how to tell her here. Read the basic concepts info at the top. If you look for my thread today, there is a welcome thread for all new comers. In it are links to a lot of info that will help you understand your predicament. Then how to cope with it. <p>The fact that you are asking for help is about IMHO, 40% of the battle. You can work on regaining your M the rest would be up to your W. <p>You will also know how she could react and how you need to be there for her even if she gets angry at you. Let her see what goes on here with the other BS (betrayed spouses). Before you do that make sure it will not compromise your safe haven here. <p>Withdrawal will be another piece to deal with so your plate will be full for a while. Work with your counselor and you can vent here anytime. <p>Glad you came,
L.

Hello A Failed Christian..
I'm sorry you had to find this site, but very glad you have. I can relate to your situation. I'm the BS of an EA, much like yours. <They never met in person> We are giving all we have to get our marriage on track and it's working. So there is hope!!
When you tell your W please know it's going to chush her. She will be angery, hurt, feel decieved, and feel like her world has swept out from under her. Those feelings are normal. If she needs someone to chat with who is going through this and is healing, she can email me anytime.
You asked about how to end an internet affair.. My H e-mail her<with my knowledge> and explained that he wants to work on our marriage and that is not possible with another person in the mix. He asked her not to reply to his letter.
The advice here is excellent and will help you both heal from this..
God bless you both,<p>[ March 03, 2002: Message edited by: hopin2heal61497 ]</p>

A Failed Christian,<p>Kneel down and ask God forgiveness and ask Him to be your personnal savior. That is the only way you will be baptis by the Holly Spirit and get the strength to battle your addiction.<p>Get support from your wife ... come clean to her and ask forgiveness from her and ammends her ... Ask her to help you out ... to place firewall and give her the key & password to it ... install keyboard recorder and do the same thing ... give her your timing in your addictions ... to break the cycle. YOU CAN NOT BATTLE SIN BY YOURSELF, by the grace of God and His spirit and other fellow Christians you could defeat this.<p>It is too bad that you are not in my Church ... we have a recovery group ... a limited number of mens that will help each others and others, to hold you accountable !!!!. They install firewall, keyboard recorder and even stay & pray w/ you on your critical days of withdrawal. The WS confession is kept confidential among the helpers. I was porn addict (not an EA though) and I get out of it. Let me know if I could be any help to you.<p>Come clean ... your sin install "fear" in your life to control you. You have to break it free. It doesn't mean that it is the end of the world but if you keep doing it ... it is the end of your spiritual life. Funny thing, when you are a christian it is hard to sin [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Sooner or later it became a torture and sucked you up.<p>Do not listen to your self talk ... if you don't mind ... lets play a what if. What if you confess to your pastor or marriage pastor in your church ?. Hope you are not the pastor ... when you are HIS Soldier, satan has a special gun for you. What if you wife find out now ?. What if Jesus come now and take away HIS people ?<p>What then .... [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

I don't know why there is a question on how to end it. Stay away from this relationship. It is wrong and you know it, so stop. Just stop. No final goodbye email is needed. Stay off the computer if you are too tempted. Follow RedHat's advice. By making poor decisions like this you are just leaving the door open for bigger and worse decisions. I know that when He comes I am gonna be ready.<p>Elizabeth

A Failed Christian.. <p>Please look at my signature block. My husband, another good Christian man, fell into the same trap you did. Only he met several women on line and had affairs with 10 of them. He too had trouble ending them because there is no graceful way to tell a person that he’d been lying, was married and had to stop the affair(s).<p>Internet affairs are as real to the people involved as an in person affair. The way you stop the affair is to stop it. They should be ended in the same way as Dr. Harley suggests for all affairs… a no contact letter and then cold turkey. Write her a no contact email. Here’s the one that I very close to the one in the book “Surviving an Affair”.<p>-----------
OW,<p>I am sending this to let you know, that out of respect and love for my wife and our children, I have come to realize that I must not communicate with you again. Our relationship was a cruel indulgence that {put your wife’s name here} does not deserve. My wife has graciously and lovingly given me the opportunity at recovering our marriage, an opportunity that, God-willing, I shall not squander. <p>While I regret any pain I may have caused you, my sole concern is recovering my marriage and re-establishing the deep relationship that my wife so much deserves. As anything less than 100-percent commitment to that goal cannot exist, I will not be making further contact with you nor do I want you to make contact with me. <p>Sincerely, {your name}
-----------<p>On top of ending the affair, you really do need to tell your wife about it so that your marriage can start to recover.

Failed Christian - at least you are in the right position, you realize you did wrong, and want to make it right. Good for you. Wish we all could have same spouses with your attitude. My H attitude is not good at all.<p>Read the MB stuff, then proceed with baby steps. You know how the stuff gets started, and you know now what not to do. Good for you. I wish my H OW would of learned after her first physical affair. She had 2nd physical affair with my H and possibly a third.<p>Keep reading here, and find a good counselor. Have your wife participate with the counselor as well. Show her the MB board here too. <p>Good luck!!!!

Hi failed christian. First of all let me tell you I am a recovering sex addict so I know the struggles you are going through. The first thing you need to do is ask God to help you end the computer use at once and tell your wife everything. This will not only lift this big burden off your shoulders but it will start you on your way to recovery. Are you going to SAA (sexaholics anonymous) meetings? I highly suggest finding one in your area and start attending immediately. They go through the 12 step program just like alcoholics do except sex is substituted for alcohol. It has everything to do with looking to God for help which makes it super great. I also suggest seeing a counselor about your addiction. They can help you work through the things that led to your addiction.<p> IMO I dont think a letter is necessary. I think you should just end it immediately and don't look back. If you send her a letter then you will always wonder if she replied. Satan has put the bait out there for you and you are taking it. Lets laugh in his face for once and end the relationship and score a victory for God and get you and your marriage on the road to recovery. I think you know that when you follow God and do the things he wants you to do you will be much happier on the inside and the outside. Right now you are feeling like a total piece of crap. I know, I was there and I still feel like that sometimes. The only way to get through this is confess everything to God and your wife and ask for forgiveness. <p> I hope I have helped you somehow. I am a fellow christian who has walked in your shoes but I am now walking with God again and I feel sooooooo much better. I have all but lost my wife but hopefully through my positive actions I will win her heart and trust back one day.<p> If you want to talk more by email or on yahoo messenger then I will be glad to talk to you. My email address is cajunky@yahoo.com<p> I will be praying for you.<p> LOVE IN CHRIST<p> cajunky<p>[ March 04, 2002: Message edited by: cajunky ]</p>

just bumping

Donate your computer to a local school. Disconnect your telephone. Disconnect your electricity if need be. Take your wife to bed when the sun sets. (have I missed anything?)<p>hugs, c

No such thing as a "failed" Christian<p>If you are a Christian, then you believe in Christ. <p>If you believe in Christ, then you understand that anything is possible for you.<p>You might be a "wayward" Christian, but Christians are not failures.