After much suspicion over several months, I told my husband several times that I thought he was having an affair with a co-worker (lots of unexplained time lapses, getting mad at me for no reason, accusing me of being paranoid, etc). He denied that he was having an affair on several occasions. I also believed he is depressed and that our marriage needed significant work on both our parts. We went to counseling for a few months, but I recognize now that he was not honest with the counselor. He seemed unwilling to try to improve our marriage or his own general unhappiness. As a last resort -- I was really feeling like I could do nothing right/constant mental abuse/making me feel like I was the crazy one -- I told him I thought it would be best if he moved out.
On the day he moved out, he was gone a really long time in between trips from home to the new apartment. I got suspicious and knew in my gut something was weird. When he got home I asked what took so long and he made up some really lame baloney about re-doing the lease (to explain a 3+ hour discrepancy). When he left with the second load of stuff, I logged on to his laptop and found incriminating love letters and emails to and from the co-worker. I confronted him when he got home and told him I was sorry I had felt I had to snoop, but that I felt like I was losing my mind. He admitted to the 10 month affair and admitted that it was still going on. After much conversation, it came out that he had had her over to the apartment that day. I lost it and said many unbelievably cruel things to him -- I have a tendency to be very sarcastic and caustic when I am pissed. <p>When he left the next morning we were just plain sad. He said he would not have contact with this woman outside of professional communication at the office.<p>Subsequently, I opened bank statements (we have separate checking) and told him that I had done so and that I had seen that he had been taking someone out to nice restaurants/knew it was this woman. His reaction was that I was terrible for snooping/no acknowledgement of his continued involvement with the OW.<p>I really tried not to snoop after that -- it makes me feel crummy and like I am completely nuts/not in control of who I am. Unfortunately, I did snoop again by logging into his accounts on line. Didn't see anything out of the ordinary. Well, on Saturday he logged on and figured out that I had been snooping again. He said nothing, but when I went to check the accounts this a.m., he had been on and changed all of the passwords to something like pryingeyes. <p>I called his cell and apologized, but he has not called back. I am ashamed by what I have done, but at the same time my gut tells me that this A is still going on and I have no way of keeping sane and I am obsessing over this. <p>What should I do? I feel I LB'd big time and don't know how to get back on track. He still comes home from time to time and calls everyday. He says he loves me and cares for me, but is not in love with me and that the passion is gone. I fully recognize that some of my behaviors contributed to the unhappiness in our marriage and am trying to be a better person. <p>Not sure what to do. I feel like I have been trying for six months to be a better person/better communicator and have gotten nothing in return. This is so hard.

unsureheart - join the BS group. The WS lies, blames you, calls you names, etc. Don't accept anything from him. He is to blame for the affair, not you. You are the one that has kept your vows.<p>According to the Harleys, counseling with the Harleys, snooping is what needs to be done. For many reasons, like me, I snooped a little too late. H took money out to give to the OW, H got cell-phones for her and him, they both got private p.o. boxes to send their special things to each other. (She lives 2000 miles away). They even got a safe-deposit at a bank, in her state. H signed the papers, she sent. Then she sent H a key. So when he came to her state, he put thousand or so dollars in the bank for her to use. <p>Use all this evidence if you two should go to court. I have all the evidence, for the court system. And I will supeona the OW for damages. This is the OW 2nd physical affair, and this woman doesn't care about how our family is destroyed and I am having a hard time dealing with the physical affair. She fought with my H on not telling her H about this affair, cause he knows about the first one. She just wants to live the life with her H, and continue on being grandma and MRS. *****. She said she just wants her life back like it was. <p>H*ll, my life and the kids has been pure h*ll here. She is probably living life like she wants, with the sin on her heart. <p>I wonder why her H didn't snoop. Snooping is a natural event in a relationship. Especially when there are classic signs that something is not right. My H accused me of not having the figures right when I did the books. H screamed at me, called me foul names, because I was interfering with his affair. Watch out for any money, legal stuff. The Harleys told me to, and I did find a receipt that he sent $900 to her. Remember, your WS does not care about you, they care about themselves and the OP only. I know, my H was a classic betrayer. You are the only one that will watch out for yourself.<p>Also, I forgot to tell you, that I hired a low-dollar investigator. Wish I had gone out and spent thousands on a good investigator. Don't feel crummy, your WS is the one who is crummy. Let him be, he will get his butt kicked sooner or later. The OP is not what they think they have, my H found that out.<p>[ March 04, 2002: Message edited by: thinker ]</p>

Hi Unsureheart,<p>I've been through pretty much the same. You snooped because you suspected. He was lying. You had a right to know that all your efforts at saving your M were destined to fail because he's lying. I know the feeling when you've wasted months of emotional effort without reciprocation. Don't feel bad about it, all you've done is level the playing field so that you know what you're up against. Brace yourself for the rough ride and work on you. Success will not come while OW is on the scene, so take the chance to rebuild yourself and wait for the infatuation to wear off. It's no pleasant ride.<p>Hope you've got the stomach for it. Get all the support advice you can. I've found anti-depressants a must even though I hate the idea.<p>Good luck.

Thanks for your words of wisdom and support. The other bizarre thing happening right now is that he is absolutely adamant that I not tell anyone that we are separated or that he is having/had an affair. I did tell my closest friend's and his sister (she had been through this before herself). I am really torn. I don't want to advertise the fact that we are in this situtation, but part of me thinks it is really odd. He is not living at home and what am I supposed to tell his parents when they call or friends that ask us to dinner? I feel I am put in a really difficult position and I am somehow covering for him. On the other hand, I don't want to advertise this because I am really unsure as to what I want to be the outcome of all this -- stay married if we can work it out or just be done with the lies and loneliness of being in a marriage where your husband has basically turned you into a parent rather than a spouse.

Hi Unsureheart,<p>Don't carry that burden. If he doesn't want you to tell the truth let him tell the lies. Force him to explain his actions to friends and family. You must remain true to yourself. At the end of this episode people will remember how you conducted yourself, be dignified and honest then you won't regret. Don't think that you have to give in to him however adamant he is. You can be equally adamant that you will not lie. He is being unreasonable.

Hi Unsure, You do not have children,this will make it easyer on you.I know how you feel.I know what you are going threw.I didn't tell anyone about my H first PA.We have 3 children, at that time they were very young.Then My H had another PA.(about 15 months ago)I had gotten over the pain,Of the first PA, and moved on with our life and we were so happy so I thought,This time I called his mother,e-mailed all his brothers and sisters and told the kids.My H said he didn't get hurt with the first PA...so he could go on to have another.So tell his family.Might stop him from the next affair.