Five years ago I discovered my husband was having an affair, which he finally acknowledged. Since that time he has filed for divorce two times and I have filed once, although we continued to live together as husband and wife except for a very brief separation. I always felt we would stay together. We have been married for 32 years! The first affair I could understand inasmuch as we were not getting along, but the continued lies and the rediscoveries of at least communication between the two has been devastating and my life has been semi-dysfunctional. I thought we were just getting it back together when I discovered he was calling her from his office in the evenings. I have tried to talk with her, but she absolutely refuses to acknowledge me. My husband claims that is because she feels inferior. In the past I have written and called and begged her to stay away. I really wanted to keep my family together, even though our children are grown. Now, after this last incident, I feel numb. He has been extremely nice, says he wants to stay married, but admits he cares for the OW as you would a good friend. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice for me. I feel isolated because I do not want to share this with any friends, which is why I attempt to communicate with the OW. I really have no one to confide in other than my husband. He really is my best friend. Wow, am I am trouble, huh?
Thanks for listening - panne. ppschmidt@i-star.com [/LIST]<p>[ March 06, 2002: Message edited by: panne ]</p>

Welcome Panne,<p>If you look in the Q&A section of this website, there is a series of articles about How To Survive Infidelity. If you read those, they explain why eliminating contact with the OP FOR LIFE is crucial for marital recovery. Also, the book, Surviving An Affair, available for purchase here on the MB website, is very helpful and goes into more detail about the extraordinary precautions that need to be followed to rebuild the marriage.<p>But it will be up to your H to eliminate his contact with the OW and follow through with the extraordinary precautions. If he refuses to do so, then you will need to know about Plan A and Plan B (also explained in SAA). Your H will not be in a position to contribute to marital recovery until he has eliminated contact with the OW and gone through the withdrawal process (like withdrawal from a drug addiction). This is probably why you have been having a hard time during the last five years.<p>As Dr. Phil says, nothing will happen to improve your M as long as the third party is still in it.

Also...<p>Be careful of the contact u have with OW - dont have any if possible...she will probably neva listen to you and you will get more frustrated, desperate and upset - not to mention hurt - the more you try to connect with her. By keeping in contact you are allowing yourself to be a part of a triangle - their triangle - you, him and her. As long as youre a part of it, it will destroy you. You also need to cut contact with her otherwise it may draw out the healing process for you. I know each time I'm confronted with contacting the OW in any way, its REACTIONAL and causes more harm than good. Try to work only on one relationship - you & your H - dont give her power over your feelings.<p>AH