I can't and will not accept defeat...I love my H and my family as I do my Lord...but I need help here.
I went to leave a message for H in the Toyota today, to call D etc. And there was a electronic funds transfer slip in there, like to change his paycheck from going into our account to another. He hasn't done it yet that I know of, I called and left a message that I understood that he wanted to protect himself to make sure that he had money, but I also had to have the money to meet the bills that we incurred together, and to take care of D. He would always have money.(You see the last time he left, he had no problem with the money situation and he had money all the time...I made sure of it...but he was living w/folks...now with her and she has no job) I told him that we would lose the house, that I would rather sell it if he wasn't going to come back in order to save our credit. I don't want to lose my house or my husband...if I had my husband I could make anywhere home...but for now...Oh heck, I don't know what I am saying. I don't have anyone up here, and anything I say to him will fall on deaf ears. His folks won't get involved, and his dad is the only one that MIGHT have the guts to say something to him. How do I get someone, anyone to try to talk to him? He sure won't talk to me! And she is the only one talking to him!!!<p>I can't do this. When I said that I would stick with him through better or worse, I meant it. How much worse does it have to get? <p>I want to hate him so bad, but I can't. <p>He KNOWS that she doesn't want us to work on it because we will be just fine. He KNOWS that we would be fine too. He sees himself with me in the end, she says that they won't end up together. So why does he have to throw everything away...why won't he give his family a fighting chance? <p>I know that I would survive without him, but I don't want to.<p>Please tell me how to hold this together. How do I get it through his head? How do I save my family? I DON'T WANT TO GO ON WITH JUST ME AND D!!! THAT ISN'T HOW THIS IS SUPPOSED TO WORK!!!!<p>As you can tell I am doing terrible!! I do not know how I am supposed to concentrate on anything, I just want to talk to him or have his dad, or I don't know!! I have read the same sentence twice now. As you can tell I am not doing very well at all. <p>This is the letter I left for him.<p>To my dear and precious husband,<p>I hope that this finds you well. Things sure have been quiet around here, like your ghostish presence is here, only unseen, but that is expected under the circumstances. <p>I am sure some of this has been said, but I can&#8217;t remember, so if it has please forgive me for being redundant <p>This has been very difficult, not knowing what is going on, regardless, I want you to know that the door home is still open, I am still devoted to you and to working on this. If you choose it, we can talk and come to an agreement together all you have to do is call and we can meet to discuss it. I still do value and want to preserve our marriage and have our family restored to a better place than it has ever been. I am looking to aggressively seek ways for us to pull back from the brink of divorce and start on the road to recovery. Some of the best things we have to learn in life, lessons to be taught to us, are learned while working through marriage difficulties instead of searching for a way out. I have learned some tough ones already!<p>I realize the mistakes that I have made and I have the knowledge, tools and desire to avoid making them again. I take responsibility for the actions I took to help get out marriage to this dangerous point; lack of commitment, sacrifice, responsibility, perseverance, tenderness, affection, adoration and self-discipline, among many others, but I will no longer feel guilty for those actions&#8230;just sorry and committed to avoiding them in the future. I am changing what I need to change about me and what the Lord is continually showing me that needs to be worked on. I am the only one that I can change and deal with; you and Him have to deal with you. I want to help you deal with whatever comes your way, but you have to ask me for it. I accept you as you are; I love you as you are. In the grips of pain and fear I begged and pleaded, tossing aside my self respect, I was being a doormat to you, about as strong as Jell-O, instead of the confident, spiritually submissive woman/wife that you needed. I was strong in the wrong ways. I finally dug down and found the courage that is found in genuine love. I didn&#8217;t want you to not be here with us, but begging, pleading, and carrying on wasn&#8217;t doing any of us any good, I had to make the decision to preserve my love for you and respect for myself, by giving you options. That was more than difficult to do. <p>As for our marriage, like I stated earlier, I can not make you come home and work on it; anymore than I could make you propose to and marry me. I still do not think that divorce is the answer to our marital problems. Our marriage was by no means bad per say, just stale and the passionate &#8220;oh my&#8221; love was intermittent, you at one point me at another, just a little out of sync. I desire what our marriage can be. Not an obligation to fulfill, but a wonderful privilege that is fulfilling. For the love that we did once share, the love that I have spoken of, romantic love and tenderness can be nurtured to life and health, even though it seems that it seems a little beyond the proverbial grave. But I can not beg and plead you to make the decision for your family; you have to make the decision to return home and commit to trying, just as you made your decision to leave; I just simply have to make home a place filled with trust, comfort, rest, and a place to escape and be safe just have to love. So, yes! Your home is still here and it is becoming better and more of a refuge from the outside stresses day by day. Yes, it is getting harder for me to wait, but I will. Limbo can&#8217;t last forever though, I think that you realize that. <p>Recently I read this and I would like to share it with you. <<< "Do you think a couple should stay in an unhappy marriage if they have children?" First of all, the question implies that once a marriage is unhappy, it will stay that way. This is an unfortunate assumption. We have come a very long way in the last few years in deciphering the formula for making marriages successful and happy. Couples can now learn how to transform an empty, unhappy marriage into a loving one. It isn&#8217;t magic. When you have children, you owe it to them to leave absolutely no stone unturned if you are considering dissolving your marriage. Once the marriage dissolves, so too does the family forever. Research shows that children benefit from divorce only in those situations where there is extreme abuse approx. only 1/3 of the divorces in our country fit this criteria. In all other cases they lose out with only minor exception, anyone in an unhappy marriage can do something about it. You don&#8217;t have to and shouldn&#8217;t live in misery. Once you bring children into the world, divorce isn&#8217;t a solution to an unhappy marriage. Fixing it is.&#8221; >>><p>Now, I am not using this to effect your decision in any way, I want that to come from you, but instead I am sharing this with you because this is how I feel. I want to make sure that we have left no stone unturned and there are still quite a few that haven&#8217;t even been touched. <p>Yes, I want the marriage, for you the way that is always should have been, for me the way that I know it can be, for Chey for all the obvious reasons, but more for my family as a whole, all three of us. In myself I have found a certain quite strength, I think it has always been there, it just had to be shown to me, I am prepared to use that to carry my family through the tough times.<p>I want you to be assured that never again will I share our marital problems with someone who can meet the things that are lacking, beside you, because I don&#8217;t want someone else to have the ability to do something that we should be doing for each other. I will learn to communicate with you and how to make it comfortable for you to communicate with me. <p>I spoke to Ron today, (by the way our web site is up and running, I am to tell you again that if you need to talk to him, or feel that you are in a position that you don&#8217;t know how to get out of to call him, he will remain unbiased and strive to help you to deal with what is going on with YOU. Quite frankly, he has shown more concern for you than me!! I guess I should be thankful for that instead of saying &#8220;Hey what&#8217;s up with that???&#8221; (Ha Ha) <p>Thank you for taking the time to read this I appreciate it.<p>I miss you and love you. Chey misses and loves you&#8230;as do the dogs.<p>With all my care and love,<p>M<p>P.S. This letter includes private emotion and feeling from my heart, it is meant for you and you only, so out of respect for me please don&#8217;t share this with her.

Just wanted you to know that someone has read your post. Am not sure what to say will have to come back to it later.<p>Thinking of you Dawn

Faith,<p>I can feel your pain, and I share it in many ways. Unfortunately, there is little that you, or anyone can do to talk your H or my W into putting forth the smallest effort. That has to come from them, and from God. It stinks that that's the case, but nonetheless, it is.<p>Please know that you CAN survive this, and even find happiness in the end - with or without him. It will take time, maybe a great deal of it, but you WILL be ok. <p>All you can do now, is to concentrate on YOU and your children. Make you the best you that you can be, and be the best mom that you can be. These two above all else are the most important things you can do.<p>Please know that we are sharing in your pain, and are here to support you.<p>Kevin

Tahnk you Kevin...i do trust in the Lord, and He has a lesson in all of this...it isn't His will to have our marriages break up, but He is such a gentleman he will not step on our own wills for us to follow His...Maybe a cast iron skillet would help? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Faith-n-Hope,
You are not accepting defeat if your H chooses to walk away from your family. HE IS! I liked the letter, but it was very long. Do you think he actually read the whole thing? I think you did a good job of communicating your feelings, but maybe next one you can arrange it so that the most important 5 sentences are right at the top in case he decides not to read the entire letter! It's very difficult to imagine, but that thought crossed my mind. When a person is being stubborn, they cannot afford to open their minds cuz they may discover that they are WRONG!<p>I liked the part where you said that his home is still there and that you take responsibility for your role in the marriage and you didn't want to leave any stone unturned.<p>Gosh, I just hope & pray that he wasn't too stubborn to read the whole darn thing! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>An update, please! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I know how hard this is and the advise will be even harder considering the position you are in right now. But here it goes... Stop what you are doing and breathe. You want to save your marriage and you feel like things are spinning out of control. Well, right now the only thing that you can control is you and your actions so let's start there. <p>Don't have the talk with him and don't have anyone else talk to hi right now. He is not in a position to be talked to at this time. Right now I doubt that anyone could get through to him, but that is not your job. Your job it to take care of you and take care of your D. Do not jump to conclusions. You saw the transfer slip and you felt like he was going to put you in a position that you can not pay your bills and that is a scary position to be in, but you don't know that he would not giv eyou money anyway and to jump to the conclusion that he would not could look to him as disrespectful. With that said, if he does put you in a position that you can not pay your bill then you have to take action quickly. <p>Do not pressure him in any way right now. It is important not to look needy or clingy right now. Even if you have to put up a front, act like you are taking care of things and that you are just fine. The more you hang on the further he will run. Slow down. This did not happen overnight and it will not get better over night. You have time on your side. Remember that. Time is against WS and the OW. Keep the statistics in mind. Hang on to that when you feel that you are falling apart. <p>Please do not put any pressure on him regarding the marriage and the family and the A. Do not talk to him about it. I know how hard it is, but I have seen it too many times, the harder you push to them to stay together, the further and faster they run. <p>I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please continue to be strong.