I think I actually lost my mind tonight.<p>Im just sitting here numb. I came home from work late around 8pm, should be home a 6:30, I feel used by my employer. I have been there since I was 15yrs old and now Im 32. I feel taken for granted there, they expect me to work the crazy hours. It was fine until a had a child but now there are so few hours in the day to spend with him that I have become to hate this job. My H comes home from work early, often time by 4pm. And he gets play with our son, enjoys watching him learn, and talk. Also has the added responsibility of raising him, This drives my H mad. Says becasue Im never home, Im not being a good mother. I love my child more than anything in the world. I would die for him literally. In fact if it wasnt for him, there is a chance I would have taken my own life before. Now that is not an option I would consdier because my little son needs me so much. It breaks my heart into pieces when he looks at me after I have been crying. He doesnt know how to react to me. Its like Im a stranger to him. I am in no position to quit my job. H income is less than mine and we barely make ends meet as it is.<p>Now I'm faced with the option of quitting my job to stay at home with our son. We'll have no money to spare. Maybe we can keep the house for a few months but thats it. <p>I came home tonight angry from my day at work through a huge fit. Slammed the fridge door so hard I broke it..Then I started throwing our sons toys around, mumbling somehing, Then started singing a song with the words I made up as I went along. SOmething about not being worthy of being loved, how my whole life is ****, who the hell would want to be with an insane women like me,n o hope on the horizon. How H had his "outside" live that kept him occupied while all this time I was losing pieces of myself all over the place. I am no longer the person I used to be. Obviously not, or H would have strayed the way he did.<p>I mentioned to him this morning that if he only could have talked to me he was feeling the way he did in the early days (of the chat line) this whole mess would have been avoided. Once again, he turned the blame on me. Said I should have seen it. I told him I did see it and tried to talk to him then but it did no good. <p>FOr the past few weeks he says that I hate him, He keeps saying it over and over when I tell him I love him. HOw the **** is this supposed to be healing!! I cnt go on this way anymore. <p>One day is fine, not great but just fine. The next is pull hell like this one. <p>I Miss my husband so much, the man I married, I cry for him everyday. I want him back. Not this person who has been impersonating him. I fear it is too late to get the original man back without having a time machine.<p>I am sorry that I am rambling. I just feel so down right now. I poured myself a glass of wine (0r 3) also took an antidepressant pill. These things make me feel more depressed than ever. Its like a cloud comes over my head and I can't think straight.

I don't have any advice for you right now... just hugs:<p>(((((((((( STBSA ))))))))))<p>Okay, maybe I do have some advice - don't act out to your H on your emotions tonight - save them for here! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

scared to be single,<p>I started reading your earlier threads today and then this one tonight, and I must say that I am worried about you.<p>I don't think you are losing your mind, but I do think you are hurting a great deal and that you need more help than you are currently getting.<p>Starting with medication, I don't remember how long you have been taking your anti-deps, but if it is more than three weeks and they are not giving you any relief at all, then it is time to go back to the doctor and ask for other meds. All anti-deps take some time to work, but after the first few weeks, one should feel some difference.<p>What is your support system like? Are you seeing a C? Have you and your H been back to the MC? Do you have any close friends or family that you can lean on?<p>If you have an IC, please see or talk to him/her tomorrow. A professional always has a way of putting some perspective on things that us non-experts just cannot replicate. If you don't have an IC, does your employer have a confidential employee assistance program with a counselling service? If not, try to get a recommendation for a good IC right away. I really believe that early IC is invaluable, more even than MC, to help the BS (or the WS) cope with the early stages of discovery and recovery.<p>If you don't have an IC, what about a close friend or family member, or pastor/minister to whom you can confide? Please do not try to 'do it alone' with only your H. Marital recovery after an A is very difficult even with help, so please do not keep the weight of all this on your shoulders and your H's alone. Even if the person you speak with cannot give you advice, that person can be a shoulder to cry on, someone to lean on, a real flesh and blood human being who can give you a hug and hold your hand. I know that the real hug and pat on the hand has made such a big, big difference to me in the past. I do hope you have someone you can reach out for.<p>You mention that work is a big stressor and the possibility of quitting work altogether. Please don't make a big decision like that in the distressed state that you are probably in given the recent d-day and the situation at home right now. Is it possible to take a leave of absence or medical leave? I am certain that your doctor would support your taking a little time off to get yourself on stronger ground; have you asked your doctor? Your employer would be obligated to give you medical leave time, under the laws of Ontario.<p>It is very early on in recovery for you and your H. So, your extremes of emotion are to be expected and are, unfortunately, pretty normal. Have you read "After the Affair" or "Torn Asunder" or "Surviving An Affair"? All of them describe the range of reactions of both the BS and the WS, and from your descriptions, you and your H seem to be feeling lots of 'textbook' stuff, as terrible as it feels to you and to him. You are not going crazy, you are not losing your mind. You are simply in the early stages of processing the terrible trauma that you and your relationship have suffered.<p>You need to give yourself some time to adjust to the situation, to just breathe and cope for a while. And you need to gather the resources that you have to help you in the weeks and months ahead. You have found this site and that is great. I hope you also have some realtime support also, in the form of an IC and friends/family/clergy.<p>Why don't you talk to us some more about how you are feeling? And tell us about your son, too.<p>Hugs,<p>OneDay

scared to be single,<p>oops, double post.<p>btw, Topie and I are both Canadian. (If I remember correctly about Topie...) new_beginning is also. Just thought you might be interested to know that there are a bunch of Canadians on this forum.<p>[ March 04, 2002: Message edited by: OneDay ]</p>

Dear scared,<p>IMO, you should seriously look into changing jobs for one with reduced hours, finding work to do at home, or quitting work all together if you can possible survive on H's salary. At least consider it for a year or so until your depression is in remission, until your M is stronger, and until the baby is older.<p>It is possible that you may have an emotional collapse and HAVE to stop working for awhile. Why not give it a try BEFORE you become so depressed that you can't work or enjoy your baby.<p>Here is a web address I found in Dr. Laura's magazine Perspective. It is for information about a "Mom's Work at Home Kit." Maybe something like this would work for you. Home-Based Working Moms www.hbwm.com (phone 512-266-0900)<p>Best wishes,
Estes

stbsa - you are having a tough time. The WS uses verbal and mental abuse as a control issue. My WH did the same thing. He told me I don't love him, he said very mean things to me. <p>One, could it be possible that you could cut back the hours you work, or even possibly quit the job and do day care at home. Or some other kind of work at home. I wouldn't do it right now, but think about it. You are under a lot of stress, emotional imbalance, your H abuses you with words and emotions, you are so tired, sick of trying to make ends meet. No wonder you are at wits end. <p>When you come home, since your H is home, could you tell him that you would like to take a long hot bubble bath, have him have the house clean, dinner ready. Say I love for you to be home with our son, you could show the son how to make this or that. One of the things that the Harleys told us to say to each other is to start with 'I would love it if you would ....' Needless to say, I really enjoyed saying this, and didn't get results. I tried, but my H made up his mind with the sexual affair he had, that he is done. He told me tonight that he still wants a divorce. So don't expect too much. Just try, and one day you may get the man you fell in love with back. I didn't, my H won, and I failed, and am so sad.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by OneDay:
<strong>btw, Topie and I are both Canadian. (If I remember correctly about Topie...) </strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Yup.. you are remembering correctly. Terrified is also in Toronto (I'm in London, but was born and raised in Toronto - Peanut Plaza / Fairview Mall area).<p>I forgot about the possibility for a medical leave of absence. STBSA, all you need to do is go to the HDRC website (Human Resources Development Centre?) and do some searches on leaves of absence. If you were to end up quitting your job, HDRC (otherwise known as the EI office - formerly known as the UI office) will ask you if you looked into it. I remember that from when my H quit his job last August.<p>Karen

Thinker:<p>YOU DID NOT FAIL!!!<p>IMO, it's your H who has failed you right now. I have a few words (and paragraphs!) running through my head about him right now... but because I don't know the WHOLE story, I'm not about to post it on here.<p>If you want to, you can email me to vent, if you don't want it all over the MB boards.<p>Karen
4topie25@rogers.com OR topie25@hotmail.com