mm,
I swore to myself that I wouldn't sit down here and go through all this when I have other things to do but here I am. I can Totally understand where you are coming from only mine has gone on for over 3yrs. My W knew of my "friendship" early on and wasn't happy with it but did nothing. I SAID THAT I COULD HANDLE IT! Here I am and I can tell you that I couldn't handle it. My heart, like yours, just got more deeply involved. The PA didn't come until very late in the A. The struggle is immense somedays but I must agree that your W must know. It's the only way for the two of you to "get better" together. My W and I are in a tenuous recovery but with growing communication that is at best very hard sometimes. Last night after talking she asked if I needed to separate for a while. This is a struggle that takes EVERYTHING you have.
Brw
gone2far46@yahoo.com [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I dont think many men can relate to me here because this was never about sex. It was about a girfriend, holding hands, looking in her eyes -- high school junk.<p>Sure we can. Don't underestimate us! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] You were having an emotional affair. In many ways, it is more difficult to get over such. The addiction is so much stronger when your heart is involved as much as it is. Ask any BS how hard it is to let go of their spouse, we have much of the same feelings.<p>Seek counseling. It can help a lot with your withdrawal.<p>Lastly, and I can't say this enough [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] you need to tell your wife. SHE can help you get through this. She can help you to maintain accountability so that you do not have innapropriate contact with this woman. You also need to tell this woman of the damage you have caused your relationship. I would write her a modified no contact letter (modified to account for work - see the SAA book) and also let her know that you told your wife. If the woman calls at home, let your wife listen in. Tell the OW that you wife will be listening to all phone calls and reading each email.<p>My wife could not let go of the OM. He had to end it. She was so addicted to him that she would have sacrificed anything. She was completely irrational (in the fog) at that time and I am guessing you are feeling much the same way.<p>[ March 06, 2002: Message edited by: Longing ]</p>

I could never tell my wife because she is a great woman and I would not want to hurt her. I want this to end and not have her have to be hurt.<p>From this site: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation. <p>Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse. <p>But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy. <p>It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity. <p>It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth. <p>It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed. <hr></blockquote><p>Please stop disrespecting your wife and tell her the truth.<p>[ March 06, 2002: Message edited by: Longing ]</p>

MM, PLEASE listen...to a BS whose H wishes he had told the truth BEFORE he went too far...IF he had told the truth, it would have gone no further and he would not have betrayed every value he ever had.He thought he had it under control, too.<p>By not telling your W, you are being as disrepectful as it is possible to be to another person. She is tolerating a situation by your hiding it, that if she were aware, she would NEVER tolerate. She has the human right to make her own mind up as to who she wants to spend her life with...<p>You have a golden opportunity here to improve your marraige and your wife's trust...don't allow this EA to have a quiet corner in your heart..do you REALLY think your W doesn't know something is up with you? <p>IMHO, you don't WANT to let go of the fanatasy high school aspect of this EA and you KNOW if your W knew, you would see it for the ugly thing it really is...and you also KNOW it could get LOTS uglier...you know this stuff...Give your the respect she deserves and TELL HER...take your lumps and THANK GOD it went no further

Dear mm,
I can tell you as the bs, it meant so much to me when my h finally told me the truth. I promise you that in your wife's heart, she already knows.
My husband only admitted the A after the OW harrassed me so bad with the telephone, and the police got involved. He saw the pain in my eyes and after 2 years since d-day, he still knows my pain, but also realizes that I love him always, and somehow we have become closer than we ever were. Looking back, I felt the pain of his A, and his flirting with other women for most of our marriage. My husband is a different man now. We love being together and make time for each other. We have a whole different perspective on our relationship. The pain will never leave my heart, but being truthful will make way for both of you to try and rebuild what you had. Please stop all contact with the OW. It will only make things worse. If you have any love left for your wife, start concentrating on making things right. It can work! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
mt-bs-37
h-ws-43
m-19y

I think this is ending because I am waking up to the fact that the OW is simply not as emotionally into me as I was into her.
The difficult part is letting go of the fantasy, or the thrill of what having her in my life meant to me. All foolish, of course, but it is still what happened to me.
I know this is for the best, but there are moments when I would give anything to hear her voice on the phone. The hard part is finding the strength to go on with work and all the rest of life. I just want to sit in a dark room and feel sorry for myself!!

I think this is ending because I am waking up to the fact that the OW is simply not as emotionally into me as I was into her. <p>!!!! It should not be ending because they did not reciprocate! It should be ending because you know it is wrong! The above statement is EXACTLY what many of us have been trying to tell you. If she ever did reciprocate, you know you would not be able to end it as easily, if at all. Ponder that for a while. Do you see your addiction? If your drug (the OW) was more responsive, you would have a MUCH harder time letting go. That should send you all sorts of warning signs that you are in over your head.<p>The difficult part is letting go of the fantasy, or the thrill of what having her in my life meant to me. <p>Addiction. Same thing drug addicts have difficulty with - living without the high.<p>I know this is for the best, but there are moments when I would give anything to hear her voice on the phone. <p>Addiction.<p>The hard part is finding the strength to go on with work and all the rest of life. <p>This is where a counselor and your wife come in. As always, you need to tell your wife. You may NOT have the strength to do it on your own. My wife could not end it, even when she wanted to. She could not beat the addiction. It took my help and the help of a counselor for her to do so.

READ my post,"the straw that broke my back", Veiw the pain of real life and the pain of a BS and see if you still think it is ok to abandon your wife and family like you have, just to indulge in highschool junk as you called it. It still sounds as if your only concern is to make sure your wife doesnt know. Also the only reason you are stopping is because OW is not behaving the way you would like, sorry to say but this could be a bigger problem than just "the fog". Maybe you operate on the belief that "anything goes as long as I dont get caught"? I have come to veiw my H`s infidelities as an illness so that I can maintain my love for him. I hope you are just in a fog, because illness is MUCH harder to address and is much more serious.

Dear Longing:<p>You are right, it is an addiction. You raise an interesting point about this woman. If she had proposed a physical affair, I would have turned her down. I am not interested in that. But if she had taken my hand, etc. that is what I liked.