I'm going crazy!!! Every little thing is bringing up all these insane feelings. I'm acting like a lunatic.
At the viewing yesterday (friend passed away) I knew OW mother had sent a desert. H took some and I went nuts!! He claims that he didn't know it was from her, but I said "Yeah right, did the slut tell you to make sure you tried it and let her know how it was??" He looked at me like I was a martian!! I was acting like a lunatic..<p>I'm getting upset over so many little stupid things and I can't seem to stop....too many triggers, emotional "time of month", funeral, possiblity of seeing her, seeing her aunt at the funeral, etc, etc......I'm acting like a nut!!<p>He's being so sensitive and understanding but I know it's causing LB's all over. I can see it in his face and hear it in his voice. <p>HELP!!!!<p>He's even taking off early to be with me and go to the funeral today...<p>And I can think about is : Is he still seeing and calling her like she's telling other people??? Is she a liar (oh there would be surpirse!) or is he (like he hasn't been for the last year and half?) I'm losing it...........<p>I hate all this and I know that he is going to get sick of it and just leave because he doesnt see it ever working out.....

margue,<p>Who died and why is the OW at the funeral?

My Pastor's wife. I've known her for over 25 years. The OW goes to my church now and I've changed churches so that there would be no contact. <p>And the B**** was at the school across the street yesterday and when we got out of the car and went to go inside she screamed at the top of her lungs at some little kid, so my hubby would look around and see her. Well it didn't work. He didn't even look at her. When I asked him later if he enjoyed the little performance he said he didnt even see it.<p>But I'm going nuts. I don't know if he's telling me the truth. And I'm losing it.<p>Too many trigger..........it's all just too much this week.

Marie,<p>I know you don't need me to tell you this, but the pain is fresh and your emotions are raw. The last thing you need right now is to make the situation worse by overreacting to it. Please try and calm down before you cause damage. I know that is easier said than done. <p>Has your H been open with you - to your satisfaction - about the affair and how he feels? Because if he hasn't, would it help if you sat down and told him that your fury is just building and building not knowing the truth? Or is that the case? <p>I know that when my H came clean and talked to me about it, I started calming down immensely. UNTIL the next month! And then I would need to unload and talk about it again. But talking openly about it helped me get my emotions under control and prevented some of thelove busters. Talking openly is just a more productive way of handling the anger because it is going to come out one way or the other. And it would be better for him too.

No he will not talk about A. The very few questions he has answered have really helped. <p>We have been going through the MB class and this week has also been the week we have learned about honesty. He has been really open and honest about alot of things about ME. But he will not be open and honest about the A. <p>It is driving me nuts.......<p>I'm so stressed right now I could die...<p>We got into a HUGE fight three nights ago. I'm losing it. Why can he be so honest with me about the things he hates in me but not about her? It's making me insane. This has just been too much this week.<p>Now I'm feeling so depressed because I am feeling like he's willing to hurt me but not help me heal.<p>So many things are making me nuts. I don't know how much more of this I can stand. He's being so good about trying, but I wonder if it is a smoke screen. Is he lying again? God I just don't know.......

Marie,
Hopefully the class will emphasize to him the absolute neccessity for him to be open about this affair. The affair is information about your life that you have a RIGHT TO KNOW about. No wonder you are a walking anxiety attack. By withholding information, he will drag this out forever. <p>He needs to just steel up and get it all out at once or he will just die a death of a thousand cuts [and so will you] as information trickles out over the years. If you are anything like me you won't be happy until you know it all and will feel betrayed when he withholds. It will be pure hell, Marie. Are you in marriage counseling together where you can bring this up?

Zorweb, I hope you don't mind, but I saved your post about openess and honesty because it was so good. I think it would help Marie to read it:<p>written by zorweb:<p>"I wanted to share with you the things my husband did to show me that he knew how much he hurt me and that he was sorry. You are probably doing some of the same things but I hope there are some here that will help you.<p>------Stopped all contact with the other women and stopped chatting.
He did this on d-day. It was his suggestion and he did it without my asking. This went a long way with me.<p>------- implemented MB [Marriage Builders]<p>The very first thing he did was to whole-heartedly agree to the rules of honesty, protection, time and care. <p>------ took responsibility without blaming or discounting me<p>He told me that he knew that what he had done was wrong and that he had hurt me. He took total responsibility for his actions. He has never said that anything I did contributed to his affairs. He also told me that he has always loved me, still does and will do whatever it takes to keep me in his life.<p>Does this mean that our relationship was perfect? No, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. What it means is that we are both responsible for the state of our relationship be he is solely responsible for the choice to have affairs. He stood in front of me and apologized to me, taking full responsibility like man. Like the good, loving man I know he is.<p>What was my responsibility in this? I felt that I had to accept his apology at face value. When he apologized I could see the pain in his eyes. I could see that he meant what he was saying. Yes, he too had gotten very good at lying to me. But we had to start somewhere. The pain was real. The remorse was real. <p>-------is helping me heal
Then he told me that since he was the one who hurt me, it was his responsibility to help me heal.<p>For about the first 8 weeks after D-day, I was driven to talk about it. The poor, dear man had to listen to me talk about it over and over. He answered all of my questions. When something he said hurt me, was more then I could take, he would hold me while I cried. It hurt him to see the pain he had caused but he was strong and loving enough to be here with me through this. At about the 4th week, we got smart and set aside a one-two hour block each day, well before bed time, to discuss my newest questions and thoughts. We found that worked best because then I could sleep. I had to work out each days issues. He also listened to me the few times I had a driving need to tell him how angry I was at him.<p>My counselor told me that WS must do penitence for their affair. They must do this in a way that heals both the BS and the WS. The WS must answer every one of the BS’s questions honestly and patiently, over and over until there are no more questions. Te BS must tell the WS of the hurt and anger as many times as they need to until there is no more hurt and anger.<p>STL was patient with me. He answered my questions, talked with me, listened to me express my anger and hurt. We went through this daily for 8-10 weeks. Today, about 14 weeks after d-day I am not angry any more, the hurt is now only the smallest twinge from time to time. My questions have been asked and answered. I’m down to about one question a week now. And they are more superficial ones. We really have not talked about his affairs in about 4 weeks. We talk about recovery.<p>Sure, once in a while I get a twinge of hurt or an image goes through my mind. Usually I can let go of them. If I cannot I tell STL and we talk about it. But to me the affairs are over.<p>It is going to take NewMe2001 a long time to get over this. Being betrayed by a spouse is one of the worse things that can happen to a person in this life. The usual recovery time is 2 years. Some people can take up to 10 years. "

See, I think the reason zorweb recovered so quickly is because her WS laid it all on table in the beginning, took responsibility for his actions, and made it possible for recovery to begin. When a WS withholds, they are doing nothing but creating an obstacle to recovery.

But he doesnt see it this way. The first marriage counselor we went to told him not to tell me all the details it would only hurt me. So of course he falls back on this all the time.<p>He agrees and says he is not ready to talk about the affair yet. Should I push the issue? I've tried so hard not to, but it's driving me nuts.<p>I don't know what else to do. It's making me a complete whacko...<p>And then there is the issue that keeps popping up, but I havent brought it up in a while. I want to exchange rings and renew our vows. He wont do it. He keeps saying it will happen soon. I don't believe it. I think its the same reason he hasnt done it all along. That he is still contacting her. <p>I'm going crazy. Yesterday at the funeral we say an old girlfriend from 17 years ago. She is married and has 2 kids. Still very beautiful. His brother said something about her being there, and he was like "Oh really, where?" I got so pissed, I said, "Yeah she's just your type, a blonde whore." He just looked at me like I was a complete maniac!!!<p>I was!!<p>And I can't seem to stop! I can't seem to focus on the good and I know it's driving him crazy too. He's been pulling away from me the last couple of days. I can feel it......

It is hurting you to NOT KNOW. It is not up to HIM to determine what will or won't hurt you, you are not a child! You are an adult who has a RIGHT to information that effects your life. He is not withholding it because he fears it will hurt you, he is withholding it because *HE* fears he will be uncomfortable. You have a RIGHT to know this information, since it is about your life. <p>You don't need to know every little nitty gritty detail, and most BS' don't even want to know those, but general details. <p>I would sit down and explain to him that you are having anxiety attacks about this and cannot move forward until your questions are answered. It may hurt to hear it at first, but it will hurt worse in the long run if you don't know. It is the only hope of recovery. He is impairing that recovery right now and giving you anxiety attacks. <p>Marie, this is a MB principle for him to be radically honest about this affair. Now is not the time for him to be radically honest about YOUR faults when your self esteem has just been kicked in the teeth. He needs to be doing things to help BOLSTER your self esteem. Now is the time to be radically honest about HIS affair and take responsibilty for it and do the things necessary for you to recover.

I really wish he understood that. He is just telling me things I have asked him because of the class (we went over chapter that had to do with EN of attractive spouse). <p>I am glad he feels he can be honest about these things but it's driving me nuts.<p>He can tell me things about me and not about her.
Why does he feel he needs to protect that part of his life? Why does he feel that he is "helping" us by being so closed off. This is what got us here to begin with....oh God...
I'm feeling so depressed. He is never gonna open up to me.<p>I don't need this now..

Just something I thought I'd share from my own experiences...
Doc had a hard time taking to me about the A. I was angry and hurt, he was defensive and didnt want to "cause me anymore pain".
So we started the questions of the day...I could write down a question, give it to him...and he'd write his reply...sometimes it took him a couple of days to respond ( the agony of waiting...ugh)
But I'd get my answers. This never put him on the spot, he never got defensive, he gave me honest heartfelt replies. Yeah, they still hurt, and sometimes I'd write back responding to his answers.DDay was January 18th, we are at a point now where we can calmly talk to each other about most issues, even the exOW's pregnancy.<p>Peace

This might be a good idea for my H. It would give him time to answer and maybe not feel so "on" that he feels pressured....<p>I'll give it a try.<p>thanx

Today is a little better then yesterday.<p>We talked last night. Went to MB class. It was really nice. Then I cried on his shoulder for all the things that he lied about. I aske him how could you hate me so much. He just kept saying sorry. And if he could hate me it would be so much easier.<p>Today is alot better, got out a lot of junk on my mind. So....seeeing hope again..<p>March 16 next anniversary...first date, first kiss. Maybe I'll get my ring then... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]