I wrote about it a bit before...it no better. I'm 33, American, living in Europe, married to a Danish girl, 26 for about 2.5 years.
We had wanted to get married - but were not quite ready when we did - when I came to Europe from the US. It helped in keeping my in Europe. So it was a private thing - and we told NO BODY. The thinking was that every body knew we were engaged - and the REAL wedding would follow later. <p>The first couple of years were hard - getting to really know each other and all. There was some lying I caught her in regarding seeing an old guy friend (who was still interested her - but her to him, only as friends), later there were a two incidents where we had had a fight, she went out to a party and ended up kissing some guy (different guys). She admitted it the next day - but still lots of pain. She suggested a divorce to me upon the first occasion - I refused. We had been having lots of disagreements thereafter and the sex life died fair part. The fights were so bad that she asked two more times for a divorce. I refused each time - wanting tob work it out. We went to a marriage counselor - it helped very little. Finally, we were living in a student apartment - VERY SMALL - she asked me to move out for two months so she could study for final exams without the arguments. I did not want to go - but I did. <p>We continued our relationship by getting together at on or the others place. Sometimes she would just be alone - and study. After her exams - she did not ask me to move back in. I was devistated!<p>I went to a summer party with my cousin living here, and met a woman. She gave me lots of attention. Told me I was a good person. Told me that I was handsome and desirable. I started to date her. However, I did not tell my wife, nor stop my relations with her - but I did see her much more infrequently. (to which she started to take up more interest in me).<p>I realized that this other woman was not a good thing. I could not stop thinking about my wife when I was with the OW. I loved my wife! I great difficulty being intimate with the OW - in fact over the four months we were intimate only three times. Even though we saw eachother every couple days. <p>I started to feel trapped in this new relationship. I started pulling back. But she started putting guilt on me to see her and her young son. I did feel guilty...so stupidly, I continued - though I had NO heart in it. Feeling weak from the situation with my wife, I was caught in this one too.<p>I went back to the US for Christmas. The OW called my wife and told her about the affair we were having. Then they both wrote an e-mail letter together identifying all the lies, fact and untrue acts - claiming I was insane - and sent it out to everbody on my mailing list (ALL my friends and family). Creative, and effective. That was more than I could stand...I lost it - 4000 miles away when I could do nothing to stop the eruption.<p>The OW told my wife lies about our affair beyond imagination. Claims of professed love and plans for kids and a house .. blah blah... I'd saw my wife hated me at that time.<p>She asked me for a divorce. I said I did not want one. She insisted, and me, wanting to please her, I signed the papers. <p>However, since that time in the beginning of January 2002, she has gotten closer to me. We speak 6 of 7 days in a weeks and see eachother (now) 3-4 time a week for dinner, a movie, or to do some shopping. We hug ALOT, kiss (the nonpassionate type), and always hold hands when we are together - almost like you would never know what had happened. We even say we love each other - and call each other to say good night nearly every night.<p>Sometimes she just pulls away - wants to shut herself up without anybody - or to go out with her girlfriends (who don't want her to see me). I hate these times - it a mental flip and I go nuts - like I'm an addict needing her drugs of attention and affection. I miss her like it were a thousand years! I miss our intimacy.<p>She says that we have no relationship and we will NEVER get this resolved. That she cannot and will not ever trust me again (because of all the usual lies over the course of the affair). She says that she is with me (spending time doing things, accepting my offers to do things and accepting gifts and flowers) only to help me - because she is worried about me and cares - but that this relationship, at best, only rise to friends. <p>She has not filed the divorce papers yet after almost two months (I pray she never will).
QUESTIONS:<p>She is thinking - I guess - but about what-and what can I do? Does she only want friends-or is this just what she is saying? What do her actions tend to suggest? <p>Am I in a good situation or a bad one? How long does this stuff like this go on for - 6, 8, 12 months? Suggestions on the "how to" of keeping or one's sanity? I'm in emotional agony.<p>I love her!<p>--nearlydead-andburning

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Esquire:
<strong>QUESTIONS:
She is thinking - I guess - but about what-and what can I do? Does she only want friends-or is this just what she is saying? What do her actions tend to suggest?
</strong><hr></blockquote>
Read SAA, learn MB as much as you can. Habit, EN, LB, LB$ and plan A/B. Stop guessing or thinking on your W. Both of you in the mess. The only one you could control is yourself. I suggest you to write a no contact letter to OW if you still have contact or worse living with her. Write it very short, get the sample from SAA, tell her you are sorry and you are working on your M. Nothing of her fault but yours to drag her into your dying M. Ask her to honor your request of no contact. Copied your W and give it to her. Second, you try to ammends your wife. Doesn't matter who has A first or second ... write her a love letter, tell her you are sorry on what you have done to lead her to her A and also sorry about your own A. Tell her that you are willing to do anything to work on your M. Third you stop on guessing or chasing her, you concentrate on plan A ... plan A'ng your butt out. Do not get discourage that your letter will not get response. Focus on making you a better husband. It is all about you. I would call MB for conseling.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Esquire:
<strong>QUESTIONS:
Am I in a good situation or a bad one? How long does this stuff like this go on for - 6, 8, 12 months? Suggestions on the "how to" of keeping or one's sanity? I'm in emotional agony.
</strong><hr></blockquote>
Obviously you are in a bad situation otherwise you won't be here. The 'coaster ride will go on anywhere from 6 months to 2 years on the average ... then it might ended in Dv. There is no guarantee. To keep your sanity is by getting busy and working on the lists of issues that your W has w/ you. Post, lurk, and vent here ...

I replied to you on JFO earlier today.

Thanks for the reply. I am glad to hear some thoughts on what to think and feel and do.
I don't fancy my own really.
My mind torments me without mercy. I suppose I deserve it.<p>I shall try to write a love letter. <p>We have both been in the BS/WS position - but at this time my W sees it as it was, an A - not some (relatively speaking) small thing.<p>Therefore, my W is the BS - I read that Plan A is for the BS to try to help the WS. I guess that is not me. <p>I'm the WS - but left OW (screaming!) and I never looked back at the A - especially when I saw what there was to ruin...guess I did anyway. <p>I want nothing to do with the OW. I only want and love my W. Mental clarity hitting the peak! <p>Unfortunately, there does not seems to be too many tricks in the black hat here that I can find for me, the WS, to try. <p>Is there anything more for me, the WS, can do?<p>-D<p>[ March 05, 2002: Message edited by: Esquire ]<p>[ March 05, 2002: Message edited by: Esquire ]</p>

Have you read any books?<p>Lots to recommend. Probably the best 'step-by-step' book is Divorce Remedy... kind of a 'how to change yourself and stop pursuing' plan...<p>The Harleys are SUPER for the LoveBuster and His Needs/ Her Needs stuff...<p>I personally found "Secrets of the Vine" and "The Four Agreements" to be pivotal reads.<p>The plan is to work on YOU... take care of YOU... Don't lovebust and meet as many emotional needs as possible. I would also add... DON'T appear desperate. DON'T pursue. and, STOP most 'I love yous' for a time period.<p>Good luck,
Cali