I posted this on the emotional needs forum, but it was suggest that I come here, so I am reposting the same thread here.....<p>Hi, I'm new here. I lurk occassionally. Had a real big fight with H last weekend and would like some advice on that and various other problems that we have been experiencing.<p>Here is the information on our fight: H was changing the water in his fish tank. He had the hose hooked up to the sink and was running water from it to the fish tank. He called me in to help him and I thought he said "turn off the water for a minute" but the music was on really loud so I misunderstood. He really had said "turn off the water in a minute". So I went to the sink and turned off the water. He got upset and yelled at me something like "What the f*** are you doing?" so I explained that I had misunderstood him and I turned the water back on, put it on the same temperature that he had it before, but
apparently now it had gotten too hot so he yelled and swore at me again. So I turned the faucet to a cooler temperature and then it was too cold so he yelled and swore at me another time. Finally I got the temperature right, but then the fitting that was attaching the hose to the faucet got loose and started spraying water, so I turned off the water and then H got REALLY upset. Yelled and swore at me, saying things like "how hard could it possibly be?" So I began to feel like I must be really stupid and incompetent. I told him that I wasn't going to help him anymore and then I locked myself in the bathroom crying. I could still hear him yelling and swearing even though I was clear on the other side of the house with several doors closed between us. I couldn't take it anymore so I left the house. I went to a parking lot and cried for a couple of hours. <p>This kind of thing happens about once a month. I have told H how it upsets me and that I feel that I shouldn't be treated this way when I am only trying to help. A friend of mine says that this is verbal abuse. I'm not sure if I classify it that way. But whatever it is, it has been getting progressively worse over the past few years. He was not like this when we first got married.<p>We have other problems too. I want children, now he is not interested (again, he was when we first got married). He purposely does things to annoy the hell out of me. He is also extremely negative.<p>I realize that I am not the greatest catch in the world either. Fact is, I had an affair with a married man last year that lasted 8 months. I broke it off 5 weeks ago. My problem is that I am in love with my xMM and my relationship with him has made me realize how astray my marriage has gone.<p>Our marriage does have it's good parts, and I really want to make it work, but I just don't know where or how to start. H refuses to see that there are any problems. I have tried countless times to talk about all of our problems (except my A, he doesn't know about that).<p>I realize that I am rambling now, and I'm not really sure what I'm trying to get at. Hopefully this post makes sense, and someone out there can offer me some useful advice.

Does your H know about your A?

No, H does not know. I would like to keep it that way. I see no reason to hurt him.

He's already been hurt. Honesty doesn't hurt. It is infidelity that hurts. Obviously it has damaged your M. How will giving your H an illusion of fidelity help your M? Do you want intimacy in your M? Or do you want to keep the walls and illusions in place? Do you want your H to love YOU or the person you are pretending to be?<p>Please listen to Dr. Harley. Scroll down to the section, Should An Affair Be Revealed?:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html<p>We will help you. We've all been through it, and we have survived. I'm sure some WS will respond and give their perspective and experience.<p>[ March 05, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

[ March 06, 2002: Message edited by: MBMagnolia ] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 06, 2002: Message edited by: MBMagnolia ]</p>

KTM,<p>Do you feel like you are being stalked?<p>I read your reply to me on Emotional Needs, came over to see how your GQII thread is going, and discovered that your are apparently being followed.<p>Strange.

<p>[ March 06, 2002: Message edited by: MBMagnolia ]</p>

There is help here for those who want to restore or rebuild their marriages. Please do not run away because of a warning by someone who came here with the intent to berate and hurt others. This site was not meant for that. Please read as much information on this site as you can. I have seen people who have been the WS receive thoughtful and prayerful advice. It all depends on how you present your situation. (didn't our mothers teach us that?) [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] There can be help for you here if you want it. <p>Prayers to you, Ladysing<p>For thou art my rock and my fortress; therefore for thy name's sake lead me and guide me. Psalm 31:3<p>[ March 05, 2002: Message edited by: Ladysing58 ]</p>

KTM, like others have said, if you are willing on rebuilding your marriage, you will have a lot of support. When I first came to this board, I was having an EA and considering having a PA. I got my head ripped off, too. But a lot of the advice was really from the heart, and the responses I had made me think. you can't post a hot topic without considering there will be unfavourable comments back. It is like walking into a room full of black people and calling them [censored] and telling black jokes, thinking no one will even bat an eye.
As far as Lisa goes, if she is serious about her post, that is fine, but I think some people got the impression she was faking her post, since from time to time there are teenage kids and immature adults who have nothing better to do but than post stupid FAKE scenarios that are hot topics and try to get everyone going.
Last year there was a guy who posted he loved his wife, and his life the way it was-they agreed to have no sex, no contact, he travelled, she had affairs, and that he was honestly happy. He basically said anything that was against MB concepts so he could get a flaming. Lisa's post doesn't sound so far off...but if it is true, yes, I think she is posting in the wrong place like tohers feel as well. Simply because people here are surviving affairs, and have had to deal with the painful reality that their H or W have cheated on them. <p>Because you had an affair and have not told your H, I understand you are harbouring fear and prrobably have a lot to fear. Affairs normally do not have a good outcome for women. If your H finds out and is quite hurt, he could leave you in a financial bind if you are a SAHM or lower-income; he could cause a lot of problems and there could be a lot of pain. But there also could be a lto of forgiving done, too.
Don't feel pressured to tell the truth until you are ready and know the ins and outs of what to expect. I know them, and I still haven't told my H of my PA, because let's face it: I am pregnant with his third child and am a SAHM right now.
If he didn't forgive me, I would have nowhere to go but the street, and I wouldn't do that to my kids. But I do know in my heart I wouldn't do it again...and I think if you can remember why your marriage is so important to you and to understand that affairs don't solve problems, people do, you will get it right [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi KTM,<p>I don't post often anymore, but whenever I come by and see something that reaches out to me, I just gotta!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I would like to discuss you being honest with your DH. I know you think it will hurt him, and Lord knows it will (more than anyone who hasn't been there can imagine) but... consider this...<p>He could find out from another source, and how much more would that hurt him? <p>I would suggest that you tell him in a safe place (like a therapist's office)... because he can't fix a marriage that he doesn't know is broken. <p>Best wishes to you... and please ignore those who are trying to steer you elsewhere. I was once an OW, and I was welcomed here and have remained for nearly three years. It is a GOOD place!!

KTM,
Sounds like you H has alot of anger, do you think he may suspect your affair and be responding to that? or do you feel like you have to take it because of the guilt you feel from you affair? Does he have any other issues with alcohol or drugs?<p>
Have you considered counseling for yourself to help you figure out why you had the affair and how to improve or make decisions about your marriage? Can you look objectively at your actions and see if there is something you can do, are you doing any lovebusters, have you read his Needs/Her needs? There are some other books out there that deal with one person wanting to change the dynamics... How one of you can bring the 2 of you together by Susan Page, Divorce Remedy by MichelleWeimer-Davis. <p>Good luck to you,
lora

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 06, 2002: Message edited by: MBMagnolia ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Lisa_OW:
<strong>Faithful wife and others on this board,<p>I just wanted to let you all know that I have downloaded the posts to the thread I created yesterday, just in case you wanted to "accidently" delete them because on the threat you directly made to me. <p>I am by nature a very nice and compassionate woman but I have my limits.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Lisa, if you have a beef could you take it off of this thread please? This woman came here for help, and your posts are general to whoever, but NOT to KTM.<p>Please, since you are compassionate, you must see that you are highjacking a thread where someone is asking for honest help with HER situation.<p>Okay?

Lisa, usually complaints filed to the police would have to be derious in nature, as in life threatening. It would also have to be pretty specific, such as "I am going to put a bullet in your head".
I believe the poster said you wouldn't "exist on the board". Since this is a web site, I am sure that wouldn't post any life-threatening scenarios if you were "banned".<p>If you feel compelled to file a complaint against a peticular poster to the police, perhaps you should if you really feel in danger by an anonymous person's words. I can undesrtand the threat you must feel for your life at this very moment and maybe it would be best if you did notify the law that you were threatened to be removed from a public forum. They would probably press charges right away!
[img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyhow, I really enjoy your threads-not only are htey exhilerating nonsense, but give this pregnant gal something to do in her ninth month of boredom [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] thanks for the entertainment!

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 06, 2002: Message edited by: MBMagnolia ]</p>

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 06, 2002: Message edited by: MBMagnolia ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> From Lisa_OW
based on reading the post I posted yesterday evening, do you think I should file a complaint to the police? I was directly threatened by one of the poster even though I was being very polite and nice to them.<p>I was hesitating yesterday but I'm now seriously considering it.<p> <hr></blockquote>
What are you talking about? I can see you have some serious malfunction in your brain.
You call this threat to your life?
"The moderator has been notified of your "existence" and soon you will cease to exist. "
You really think the moderator will go and murder you?
In case you REALLY don't understand what this post means, I'll explain to you. The existence whoever referred to is your membership to MB site. Got it? If not, go ahead and file a police report and make a fool out of yourself! Good luck and have fun doing it!

Personally, I never treated you like crap and I never threatened you. If you wanted to group all of us together, I would be a cheating, lying, forgiving, husband, wife, lover, abuser, mother...
(we are all different)
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hey Jomin, she said we would never see the last of her. To my recollection, I didn't even "see" her. (since we are taking everyone so figuratively). Did you see her? Ok, enough is enough. She wants some attention since her supposed "lover" won't give her any...boohoo.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Lisa_OW:
<strong>Oh, But I am true posting on your stupid board already. But just know that you haven' heard the last of me since you treated me like crap and threatened me yesterday. That's all.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I asked you nicely to take your beef off this thread. I've never even heard of you before this, let alone threatened you.<p>And, might I add, that "you haven't heard the last of me" sounds pretty threatening.