I am an Asian (country X) male. So I will prefer a response from people who can understand and empathize with a different culture. <p>Its been 2 years we have been married. It was an arranged marriage. Wife had a 3 yr relationship in school with premarital sex. I was a virgin at the time of marriage. Found out about the relationship soon after the marriage. Was heartbroken. Chose to stay rather than quit, hoping things would improve. The anger has subsided over the 2 years, but I am still am full of regrets. I am very demotivated and depressed ever since. People/society/situations around me constantly remind me that I am in an "underprivileged" situation compared to everyone around me. Every next day, I am evaluating, whether I should quit or not. Feels like there is nothing to look forward to in life. Divorce is another big no-no in my culture. So I have this trapped feeling. Earlier, I was full of spite. Wanted to use hookers to hurt my wife. But now I dont feel like doing that either - I am not gonna get anything out of it. I have cried practically every week since the marriage - I am always in pain. Do I like my wife otherwise ? Not extremely, but she is acceptable. Does she like me ? Again, not extremely, but I am acceptable. When asked, she says I like you, but then she can't pinpoint anything that she likes about me. We have had plenty of fun moments in these 2 years, but we have also fought a lot. I being more emotional, she being carefree have taken the bigger toll. And at times, its frustrating that she is still enjoying life, and I am suffering due to her and she doesn't even pity me, forget empathising with me. Sometimes I have so much hatred for her, that I am cursing her from the bottom of my heart. Sometimes, I feel, she was misused by someone, and she deserves to be loved like any other person, and she is so sweet, and I want her to be always happy. <p>What I am wondering is ? If even after 2 years, I am still in so much pain , isn't it better to quit and start afresh. Of course, the dilemma is how bad would the other side be. I have at least learnt to live with this pain. This pain is internal. I don't have to face the whole society. Also, there is the issue of how/where to find another girl. There wouldn't be a sane Asian girl who would want to marry a divorcee. <p>What do I do ?

I remember someone who posted for a short while last year, who was also very conflicted about his W not being a virgin when they married. Was that you? If it was, then you seem to have changed your username. If it was not, then you might want to search for that other poster, whose name I cannot remember.<p>Sorry that I have no advice, but reading your thread made me think immediately of a poster from last year.

Removed by moderator<p>[ March 06, 2002: Message edited by: MBMagnolia ]</p>

That last post of yours LF was simply inappropriate, IMO. I thought you were genuinely seeking advice, but it looks like I was wrong. I will not be replying to you any further.

i feel I am becoming a split personality. In a matter of seconds, I have completely different thoughts.<p>Just moments back, I was looking over the internet for a hooker for the night, and through match.com for a date, and right now, I feel I dont want to do all this, and that I love my wife and I want to forget everything and want things to work out between us, and that a few more years down the road, I would have forgotten everything, and then there would be no fear or tensions, and we would enjoy a lot, because she is the only person I have been with, and I cherish some of the moments that we have spent together , and I dont want to put an end to it.

OneDay,<p>sorry about that post. I was really frustrated at that point. I really didnt know what to do. I dont want to say anything to my wife, because that only hurts our relationship, and turns her further away from me.

LF,
Can you go to counseling? I would recommend it. It appears that you are rather volatile right now. Just dont make any big decisions when in this stressful fram e of mind.
I really dont understand why you feel underpriveleged? Why do you feel so sorry for yourself? Why hate your wife for something that happened before you were even in the picture?
We all have a 'past' and it isn't always picture perfect. But you can make the choice to be happy, to live in the present and prepare for the future.
aloha, cl

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by cl:
<strong>LF,
Can you go to counseling? I would recommend it. It appears that you are rather volatile right now. Just dont make any big decisions when in this stressful fram e of mind.
I really dont understand why you feel underpriveleged? Why do you feel so sorry for yourself? Why hate your wife for something that happened before you were even in the picture?
We all have a 'past' and it isn't always picture perfect. But you can make the choice to be happy, to live in the present and prepare for the future.
aloha, cl</strong><hr></blockquote><p>underprivileged because in my country, my wife is amongst 8% of those who have sex before marriage.
And out of those lot of them actually marry the same guy. And only 60% guys are virgin, with 90% of them having been to a hooker prior to marriage. So I am amongst those handful of guys who waited for the dream girl, who was having fun while he was waiting for her. <p>Its a different philosophy from the American culture. I have been brought up with these set of ideals. It takes time to have a complete mindshift. And its difficult to live in the present when I have to live in that same society that keeps reminding me of the past.

Hi LonelyForever,<p>One thing that I think you must keep in mind is that your wife has done.....nothing....bad to you. Did either of you have any choice in marrying each other? In your culture, probably not. But she has been faithful to you in marriage, right? If your cultural beliefs prevent you from seeing this, then I must honestly say that I don't think we can help you here.<p>Another important thing is to think about what kind of man you want to be. Are you a male who cheats on his wife? Are you a male who seeks prostitutes after you are married? Is that what you really want to be? Is THAT ok in your culture? Well in my culture, men don't cheat on their wives. Males do, but not men. So don't go there.<p>What is it exactly you want your wife to do? She can't erase the past. What happened before you were married is done. My advice is to decide whether or not you can be married to her. If, given your strong cultural beliefs and her past, you can't stay married, then end the marriage with honor, honesty, integrity, as a man should. The other choice is to stay here and learn how to build a strong, happy marriage, which I highly encourage. All the tools you need are here.

.....btw, if someone in her 20s out here feels as frustrated as I do, and is looking for an alternative, mail me at lonelyforever90210@yahoo.com.....<p>This is not a dating service. Seeking dates is totally forbidden on MB. Remember this is a marriage-building site. <p>I understand other cultures. I was brought up with much of the same beliefs you were brought up with. My family is from Europe but the beliefs are similar. Mine was the first generation that did not have arranged marriages. <p>You are upset because your wife had premarital sex. But from your previous posts, you have cheated on her. You went to a hooker when you found out about her relationship. Then to a strip bar. Now here you are advertising for someone to have an affair with. Have you done anymore of this type of retaliation/revenge? Have you cheated on her any more then this? What you have done has been deliberately to hurt your wife. <p>What your wife did was even before you knew her. Two wrongs do not make a right.<p>I see that you have only two possible paths…<p>1…. Realize that you did not get what you wanted in your marriage. Divorce your wife. But do not throw her to the dogs. If you live in the US, find a safe place for her so that she can start a new life for herself; get a job, and some day become independent. <p>If you live in Asia, the thought of her being on her own is pretty scary. You see, most of the world is unfair to women. You feel justified in cheating on her. Men in your country have premarital sex and I’ll be that extramarital affairs are pretty much accepted. You say that only 1% of all women have premarital sex. This is probably a distorted statistic, how many women are going to admit to it even in a survey when the simple knowledge of their premarital sex could ruin their lives? And who do you think is having sex with all of those men? Are you telling me that 1% of all women are having sex with 60% of the unmarried men and some large percentage of the married men? Don’t think so.<p>You are disappointed in her? Have you ever thought that she may be disappointed to find out that she married a man who has no compassion and love, a man who belittles her and hits her, and a man who cheats on her and feels justified? <p>It sounds like in your culture any woman who does anything is thrown away. But the men walk away scott free. Your wife is a person, just as you are.<p>2…. If you decide to stay with the marriage, then you must seek to find the peace to love your wife. You both must forgive each other. You must forgive her the premarital affair. And she must forgive you your infidelity and abuse. You will both have a lot of work to do to get beyond this mess your marriage has become. <p>You ask.. ”What I am wondering is ? If even after 2 years, I am still in so much pain , isn't it better to quit and start afresh.”<p>What have you done to end your pain and improve your marriage? Have you sought counseling? Have you read books that would help guide you? The pain is not going to go away until you actively seek purging it and replacing it with love.<p>No one here can tell you what to do. We can only give you guidance based on our own experiences. <p>Beyond that your life is up to you. You can choose to throw away you marriage, or choose to live in misery while being close to the worst person you could be, or you can take your rightful place as a husband to guide you and our wife in building a wonderful, loving relationship. It’s our choice.<p>We are here to help you if you choose to recover your marriage.<p>[ March 06, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

LF,
While you may feel your culture rules you and your wife's actions...I ask you to take it a step further.<p>There are many here who have been unfaithful..and yet belong to religions that are strictly against infidelity. Does this alter their ability to become good and faithful mates?<p>Perhaps I've broken this down to a very simplistic view, but each of us as we mature, at some point, will find ourselves "on the outs" with beliefs we were raised to revere. And it is confusing.<p>There are many cultures that do frown on a woman's loss of virginity before marriage, yet those same cultures will almost celebrate a man's initiation in "manhood". Ask yourself why.<p>I think, judging from your post, that you are young, and this may be your first time questioning what you had always been led to accept as absolute truth. Granted, in America, esp those of us who lived through Vietnam and all the turmoil that created, questioning authority and the absolute power of the government became a way of life. Lines of black and white faded into gray areas. As you get older you'll see that many areas that were always starkly outlined become fuzzy.<p>It is now 2002, and with the advent of the internet and other communication tools, we will all be privy to others beliefs and cultures that will be worlds apart...and we will all question the validity of long held beliefs.<p>Ask yourself..
is the fact that my wife had sex before marriage the sum total of her worth?<p>will it affect her ability to love and be faithful to me?<p>will it affect her ability to be a good mother to my children and a worthwhile addition to my family?<p>And then ask yourself
will the fact that my wife had sex before marriage be enough of a deterrent that I will never be able to love, respect and revere her as my wife?<p>will I be able to respect her as the mother of my children and a part of my family?<p>Can I choose to love her knowing she made a choice that I would not have made?<p>Will she be able to love me if I make a choice that is not of her liking?<p>LF, loving is not simple. In your eyes, your wife has done something that you have not been able to understand. You do not have to understand to forgive and love. It is that simple.
T

I haven't really cheated on my wife. I went to a hooker - but didnt do anything. I did go to strip clubs...<p>In any case, I do love her, like her , respect her, want to be with her, care for her, and I know she is worth it...<p>The problem is its a constant fight with the belief systems of people around me. <p>And when I mention this to my wife, she thinks I am blaming her - and she becomes defensive and starts fighting, when all I am looking for is love and support. And she becomes very cold. <p>Thats what bothers me. <p>I have had a few counselling sessions. I have read some books. I wonder if I should talk to parents or friends about it. Am scared to talk because that might open up another can of worms. <p>I dont want to call it quits. I want to have a life with her. I dont seek revenge. I dont intend to hurt her. It at least feels good (due to the belief system that I have been brought up with) that she is the only person I have been with, and she is the only person I love and care for. I regret when I go through these moments and end up hurting her and our relationship.

Hello Lonely,
your relationship will continue to be hurt until you forgive your wife and move forward.
Her past had nothing to do with you. NOTHING.
I do understand why she becomes cold and withdraws. She feels your hate, your anger and that you have not been willing to let go of it.
I would not speak to family or friends about this issue at all. You said you did go to counseling a few times, so why not continue there?

one option is : we call it quits - and both of us can find someone that we can be happy with - rather than us fighting all the time. I am sure it will hurt for sometime but then we will get over it pretty soon, may be a few months. <p>This is the option that I guess keeps on surfacing in our minds, and which prevents both of us from going all out and move forward.

cl,<p>why do you say - i should not talk to family and friends - my wife is pretty keen on that - she thinks the counsellor cannot help - and that we should talk to our parents -<p>i m scared to talk to them cuz <p>a) the parents would definitely advise against breaking up
b) but my parents will hate her, and her parents will definitely scold her, but will not have too good feelings about me too
c) both our parents will also be unhappy that their only kids are suffering<p>Most of my friends are more inexperienced than me, they are unmarried, etc - how would it help taking their advice ?

i just want suggestions - do people out here think we should talk to our parents and ask for their help in the situation <p>or should we try to sort it out ourselves

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 09:19 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

its been exactly a day since we fought - and right now I feel totally committed to her. I like her the way she is, and I want to be with her. I don't regret marrying her. And she likes me too. And we both miss each other a lot. (We are not in the same town right now) And both of us want to make our marriage work. <p>Yesterday, I was convinced I want to quit. My natural response to trouble is to flee. Even at work, anything goes wrong, I try to run away from that situation. <p>What made the situation better in a day ? A few conversations here on MB. I had a chat with W, and we apologised and talked - very understanding, no fights- Also, fixed up an appointment with a counsellor.<p>The problem is I want to know how to handle situations which trigger off such fights. These triggers are due to the belief system that I have been brought up on. According to that, I am in a pathetic situation. So at times, when I see friends, relatives, society around me having the same belief system, the same thoughts are triggered and I start feeling miserable. <p>Right now, I am not feeling like that. Earlier, I used to spend 6 out of 7 days upset about our marriage. Now it has come down to an average of 1 out of 7 days. Need help with this last day.

You are still in a pickle. You are vulnerable and seem to do things that could get you in trouble when upset. What would have happened if someone would have taken you up on your wanting to start an online relationship? <p>One of the principle concepts of MB is that we have to protect our vulnerabilities. That is one of yours. Another is that you are young and seem very influenced by parents and culture. As you mature and find your own way, this will mean less to you. You will be strong enough to stand up for what you believe.<p>In this light I do not think you should tell either of your parents about what has been going on in your lifes. It would only serve to upset them and cause them to dislike/disrespect your wife. How would this help you? <p>In my previous marriage I did tell our families about my H's affairs. It helped to make reconciliation almost impossible. There was too much influence from both sides. My family disliked him and treated him that way for his affairs. His mother disliked me, saying that the affairs were only proof that I was not a good wife.<p>In this marriage I have told only two people: one of his sisters and one of my sisters. I choose these people very carfuly to be people who could give us wise councel and who would respect whatever choice we made.<p>It has help.

You are still in a pickle. You are vulnerable and seem to do things that could get you in trouble when upset. What would have happened if someone would have taken you up on your wanting to start an online relationship? <p>One of the principle concepts of MB is that we have to protect our vulnerabilities. That is one of yours. Another is that you are young and seem very influenced by parents and culture. As you mature and find your own way, this will mean less to you. You will be strong enough to stand up for what you believe.<p>In this light I do not think you should tell either of your parents about what has been going on in your lifes. It would only serve to upset them and cause them to dislike/disrespect your wife. How would this help you? <p>In my previous marriage I did tell our families about my H's affairs. It helped to make reconciliation almost impossible. There was too much influence from both sides. My family disliked him and treated him that way for his affairs. His mother disliked me, saying that the affairs were only proof that I was not a good wife.<p>In this marriage I have told only two people: one of his sisters and one of my sisters. I choose these people very carfuly to be people who could give us wise councel and who would respect whatever choice we made.<p>It has help.