i was reading earlier today about all the people who's spouses... actually lived with the op... and funny just when I was thinking at least he did not do that... he tells me ... she lived with him... when he moved out... immediately... in a motel- then he tells me.. he lived at her house for a week or two... I think I knew he spent some nights.. there... but it just hurts... then I find out... that the night before he left me... stuppid awful you know what ow.. took him out and spent around $600 on him and took him to a hotel and took him out to dinner, clubbing, etc... Well, what else do I not know...??? I guess there are so many lies.... I started yelling at him on the phone... HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? Then he starts making up all the reasons I am so awfu l and he wanted away from me... and that he wanted away from me for the last yr... before he met her... funny leaving was all about her... I remember so many happy times... even slightly before he left.. and over 17 yrs... boy do I remember happines... I just felt my heart sink... and I can hardly put my chin back upp.<p>He sd... he wishes she would just call him...<p>Also- my H has told his family I am crzy and emotionally unstable and that is why he left. me... he sd that they are concerned I might hurt the children... like the woman in houston... who drowned... I am in houston... I am so sad.. that his famiy and him would say such things about me... I loved his family and I loved him so much... I still do is the sad part.. but I am tired of being a piece of crap..<p>my h says... he will not give me the rest of the money he owese me for child support until I sign a piece of paper saying he can take the kids... to ga to visit his "dying" grandparents.. which I think is a load of crap... I am seriously scared... because my h's attorney dad advised him to take the kids to ga and file for divorce there... he tells me he does not want a d... and he wants to stay married and see me some now.. says he is not wanting to come back.. since I am emotionally unstable.. well duh, if his cheating on me did not hurt me more than I have ever been hurt... I am so tired...<p>I know everyone will trash him for what he is doing.,... as it is so obviously wrong.. he is using money and the kids... together.. and trying to control me... I am so sad... I just want us to have happiness and be happy together again.. I try so hard... to work things out.... and he threatens me over money... it is sad... and it hurt.s... the bit about her taking him to a hotel, etc.. hurts like a knife... I just hurt so much, he has been my best friend for so long... we had some problems... but I do not feel they were detrimental to the M... but he used to adore me.. now he acts like I am some diseased person.. he might want to be with some day... but not until he decides.. I am ok... but for now... I am unacceptable.. and she was great... and he misses her.. he says they just connected quite a bit... well, go connect then ahole... <p>i am sorry, how could a husband do this to his wife.. we had issues.. but they were nothing compared to this... and he only says I drove him away... <p>trhis is what I did... I was tough loving his irresponsible behavior.. and I get this..<p>anyway... I will be glad to read feedback, I am hurt , confused, and feeling controlled... I just want us to love each other... what could be so hard...<p>And I am afraid to say .. he would do something so haneous as to steal my kids... our kids... but his dad gave him that advice and he told me what his dad sd... yes... that was months agao... but my h is unemployed.. and he might just decide to mo ve... ya know... but then there would be no chance for us... at all.. if he did that... maybe I am just a big joke and he is out to hurt me some more... after all he cheated on me.. and I was suppossed to be th e love of his life... he says I just killed our marriage.. and it is all me... <p>hurting again, <p>H

Honey, I'm sorry for your pain. Really sorry. Lots of hugs for you and your kids. <p>First off, you must gain some control of your emotions. Don't do anything while in this state of mind. You've read enough from this board to know that all WSs LIE. Their life is one big pretense. You must accept that. Don't do anything that would make you appear emotionally unstable in public. Does his family know about his infidelity?<p>Secondly, don't sign anything regarding the kids or assets. Make sure that you keep the kids. <p>Third, have you seen a lawyer? If not, I think you need to very quickly. <p>It's time for tough love, Honey.

Honey, I know this is hard, really hard.<p>Re:.... I started yelling at him on the phone... HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?<p>Want to share a true story with you. A mother found that her 9-year-old son had stolen some money purse. She became angry, lectured him and asked him how he could have done this terrible thing.. to steal, from his mother to boot. He replied that he did it because he is afraid that when he retires he will not have enough to live on like grandpa, so he is starting a retirement fund. <p>The moral of the story is never ask a person ‘why’? Many times people are not aware of why they do the things they do. So they have to concoct stories to respond to all of the ‘why’ questions they are asked. Do you think for one moment that your H is going to say “I did this to you because I’m a selfish Ba….rd. Has nothing to do with you I’m just plain mean?” Of course not. He’d never be able to live with himself if he admitted the obvious. So he as to concoct some stories. Blaming you are the best, most self serving answer he can come up with. And they prove that it’s not his fault at all. <p>This is one question you should strike from your repertoire of questions. You will never get a satisfactory response. As hard as it is to believe he is not doing it to you. He is seeking to fill a hole in his own soul the size of the Grand Canyon. There is no way you can fill it. Between his alcohol and all of his affairs, there is no way anyone can fill it. Don’t think for a moment that the OW does either.<p>Makes me think of my H’s XW. She did the same thing you’re his doing. OM, drugs, alcohol, blowing money… an alternative life style. She would not leave her redneck abusive, alcoholic, OM for anything. He was wonderful. Today, 5 years later, she is still trying to fill that void and OM and the alternative life style has not done it. She still lives with OM but is trying to date my H (her XH) and anyone else who will show any interest.<p>You think he’s whooping it up. I’ll bet he running to fast in every direction that he has no clue what’s going on with himself.<p>Now tonight our H told you some details. You responded with a huge love buster (remember that each of us gets to define what we believe are love busters). To your H your coming unglued when he opens up to you is a love buster. What you taught him tonight, and every other time you have done this, is that it is not safe to open up to you. That you cannot handle the entire, whole, horrid truth. Remember I’ve been through this more times then any human should have to. So I have some experience in it. If you can realize that he has to learn to trust you before he will open up with you, things will go much better between you. Yes it’s hard to sit there and not react badly. But that is the only way you are going to get close to this man and get him to trust you with his most inner secrets. I’ve heard that a man loves the woman who is his confidant. Become your H’s confidant. Be strong enough to handle all of these deepest, darkest secrets.<p>This does not mean that you can never react, but do it in such a way that it does not drive him away. With my H I avoided yelling (most of the time) and disrespectful judgments (all of the time). I did cry at times and he was strong enough to hold through it. I did the same for him. You can tell/say all of your feelings without love busting. It’s done graciously with the WS’s well being in mind. <p>BS’s are always concerned that they can never trust the WS again. We get so lost in that train of thought that it does not dawn on us that the WS needs to learn that they can trust us…. A BS can cause a WS a lot of harm emotionally, financially, professionally, etc. Why would they share info if they think the BS is going to use it against them? Why should your H want to talk to you if every time he tell you the truth you fall apart and go ballistic.<p>Honey, this is probably the hardest thing you will ever go through. You will not get through it well if you don’t get control of your emotions.<p>As for your memory of all the happiness before he met her. Seems to me you told us of other affairs he has admitted to throughout your entire marriage. This is a problem that predated the OW by years. <p>About your H taking the kids to GA. This has been discussed here before. I think you have to file for divorce to protect you children and yourself. Your attorney could file a temporary parenting plan and child support plan in nothing flat. With the proper papers files, he cannot use child support to blackmail you. You would also include an agreement that he can take the children to GA for X number of days, that he has to inform you when/where, etc. Then if he does not bring them back he is guilty of kidnapping. The laws today do not take this lightly. Too much of it happened in the past. He could loose rights to his children by doing keeping them in GA. But, if you do not file for divorce and have all of the papers on place, he can do whatever the hey he wants with those kids. Are you going to protect your kids? Are you going to start standing up to this man in a way that protects your children? All of the yelling, crying and carrying on will do nothing for you or our children. Are you really ‘seriously scared’? If you are, why have you not acted on this yet?
“And I am afraid to say .. he would do something so haneous as to steal my kids... our kids...”
The fact that you have been discussing this here for some time and have done nothing to protect your children makes me wonder if you are playing into some game…. Let’s not protect ourselves so that H can do more and more terrible things. Then I have more proof of how terribly he is hurting me and how terrible he is. Sorry Honey, but when people are serious about something they just do it.
Save the emotional displays for when you are alone at night. They do not benefit your children or your marriage.
“I know everyone will trash him for what he is doing.,... as it is so obviously wrong..”
Nope I’m not going to trash him. Why? Because you are the one I’m talking to. You are the one asking for help. No benefit will come from trashing him. Instead I, and the others, are working to get you to change the only person you have any control over … YOU>
“I am hurt , confused, and feeling controlled... “
You have total control over this. You are allowing yourself to be hurt, confused and controlled. You, and only you, can put a stop to it today.

Hi Zorweb,... I seriously do not think my H will steal the kids.. this is why i have not filed.. same T... but it does scare me.. that his dad suggested it... <p>I have done a lot to very seriously anger his dad... and his dad is trying to destroy our M... truth is, I confronted his dad with truth... FIL...you used to be adulterer, and drug dealer.. I do not appreciate you encouraging my h to leagve me... by giving him money in support of his affair.. etc... I think you fil with bad history should butt out of my M... OK, fil? Well, fil does not like this... escpecially when new wife of fil finds out.. through my converstaion with her.. that he committed adultery on past wife... and has dealt drugs.. new wife... claims I am a liar.... so fil.. tries to hurt me... by advising his son to file divroce in another state... H confides to me.. that this is his fathers idea... and that... he does not agree with his dadx..<p>tonight.. the saga goes on... I found out also that grand fil committed adultery too... so in last converstaion with my fil... I let him know in simple statement... I know your f committed adultery too... well, now fil has told his parents who are too old to be getting upset over this I sd. this... who told me.. if you can follow this complex story... xwife of fil that fil committed adultery on.. and also my h told me that his grandfather committed adultery too... tongiht my h cliams he was joking when he sd that...<p>so vicious fil with intent to hurt me... tells his parents.. I sd grand fil is adulterer too... ok, so now... grandparents.. who have loved me... (at least they had morals I thought) and sided with me.. and encouraged h to work things out with me... now call h up and ask what his future intentions are with me...?<p>H says he thinkgs now he needs to bring kids to see them.. as he thinks he may be written out of the will because of all of this, and it is up to his grandfather... as he holds the money..<p>Ok, my take is I do not care about the money.... I did not marry h for money, nor have I had any... and now he is going to be written out of will if he stays with me... because his dad wants to break us up.. because I confronted his dad and his dad is mad at me? this does not make sense..<p>I am not afraid of my h trying to take my kids... I seriously feel that if anyone would ever try ot hurt me it would be fil... I think fil would encourage h to do this to me... since he already has.. and is also trying to turn grandparents agrainst me... etc etc... I do not think h wants to hyurt me... I think fil wants me out of his life... he sd I am not welcome there in ga anymore.. etc.. etc...i told grandmother about fil 's poor actions and now fil has used one statement against me.. that I sd grandfather committed a too, well it is true..(at least that is what my mil and my h said.. so I believed them... and I thought that all of this denial about adultery is doing noone any good, right? so lets get it out in the open? r ight.?) and I did not confront grandparents.. but fil is just trying to turn everyone on me since he is mad at me...<p>OK?<p>well anyway.. that is story- tonihht the being written out of the will came out.. and I think this is why h wants to take kids to ga... I seriously am not scared, as I really think my h loves me... but I think... that fil is dangerous person... to have mad at me... and now I wish he would just stop his viciousness... <p>thanks, H

Wow, Honey,<p>There's so much going on, & you're getting good advice here; I can't add much, except you are in my prayers. Take care!

Honey,<p>You are not going to like what I say and I am sorry but you need to hear it.<p>In Tx there is no legal seperation. You either file & get tempoary oders or you keep taking the crap from your WH. It is one or the other. <p>Your WH is a jerk and he is acting like one. If he will not pay the money you need to take legal action.<p>DO NOT SIGN ANY PAPER without consulting a lawyer and DO NOT LET HIM TAKE YOUR CHILDREN OUT OF STATE without having custody settled.<p>Your WH is using money to control you.<p>YOU HAVE TO STOP LBING. It gets you no where but makes his claims that you are unstable more believable.<p>Protect yourself & your children by calling lawyer ASAP!

Honey,<p>Just a little advice.<p>While my H and I were seperated we had tons of altercations about our kids.
He never did do to me what your H is doing with the money......BUT<p>My H was a good dad.....a very good dad. He told our daughters when he moved out though that he would never take them away from their mother.
2 months into the seperation we had an altercation and he threatened to take the girls with him. He would have done it too....had I not picked up the phone to call the police. I never made the call....as that was a wakeup for him.<p>The WS will sometimes do strange things out of anger.<p>Never assume that your H will not take the kdis from you.<p>You need to make arrangments so your kids are provided for and protected at the same time. Your H will keep on with this controling behaviour until you do something about it.<p>He may be doing this to you......but the ones getting hurt by it the most are your children.

Honey,<p>When my XH and I separated he let me take our son to get rid of me. Then about 6 months later he took our son from school and went 'camping'. At the same time he had two attornies at the court house filing for custody. Thank goodness I suspected something and had my attorney on call.<p>That was the first of many antics he pulled to take our son away and move away from me. <p>Again, I would not have custody of my son today if I had not laid the proper legal ground work in advance.<p>Protect your children and yourself.

thanks again... later last night my h was all over the plac telling me he has made mistakes.. his family will write him out of will if he is with ow.. I did not realize they really were on my side in the beginning, etc...<p>I have a sense.. my h will not hurt me.. perhsps/... this is wrong... I still feel if I do something to hurt him then I start playing with real fire- we will see... he now claims will give me the rest of money today.. thanks, h

Honey --
Get a grip. In the course of 12 hours you have run every possible emotion -- anger, sadness, confusion. This is why you're getting the label of being unstable.<p>Stop believing him and stop believing IN him.
He's no longer the man you know and love. He's done many things you never thought he was capable of -- so why exactly do you think you know him well enough to predict his actions?????<p>Start protecting yourself and your children.
Be wise.<p>File for Divorce -- it doesn't mean you will be divorced -- but you will be protected.

Hi, Yes... yesterday was emotional roller coaster.. that is why I posted.. today is better.. still confused.. tryingnot to lb is my plan still.. thanks for support... i do not think action is required just yet... thanks, H

Honey, Honey, Honey,<p>This is one of the reasons many people feel they need to be harsh with you.<p>You come here and get everyone concerned.
4 of the 5 people who responded to you advised you to get legal protection.<p>You come back here and say "oh I know best, everything will be fine".<p>Good luck Honey.

thanks for all your opinions.. I am upset... but I know my spouse.. he is a bunch of hot air... sad but true... I have known him 18 yrs.. yes this is bad.. but I needed to get it out, that is why I posted.. I may take action... but yall do not know what he would do if I did... I would end up divorced, and that is not what I want... thanks, H

H-<p>Is there anyway that you can take an 'emotional vacation' from H? Maybe just a few days, like this weekend? I think you really need a time-out from all of this. This emotional roller-coaster you are riding is beating you down. Time to recharge yourself, go do something, make yourself unavailable to H, the A and all the turmoil for a few days.<p>It will all be there when you get back, don't worry about that. But at least you will have some renewed strength to continue on.<p>Take care of Honey above all else. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]