You are posting on Glory B. So what is wrong with the support you get here? <p>You have TrueHeart calling you, even your H. You and I talk, heck I even bought you lunch.<p>You will find ZERO compassion for you or your marriage over there. Sh*t, why not call your H's OW for advice huh? Since you dont mind seeking out such "wonderful advice for just one more post", call The OW direct.<p>She, above all lying cheating dishonorable women out there can give you the 'real scoop' on your M.<p>Myself and others went out on a limb for you, sharing some very innermost events to help you. It wasnt good enough for you. I have never met someone online, and felt a bit reluctant, or afraid. But I had alot of compassion for you, as you being in an identical situation as myself a year ago.<p>You have had people committed in recovery posting diligently to you, and you choose to heed the advice of people who place absoloutely zero value in marriage. If you are so easily lead astray, I see no hope for your marriage.<p>To all folks reading this, go to gloryb yourself and see. I did after reading Husband2you's thread. She has posted a number of times over there seeking their 'valuble advice'.<p>I regret getting involved. And, considering I work 6-7 days a week, regret the lost time and money spent during our lunch. I dont feel as if I am over-reacting. All of you whom have spent hours posting to her, calling her, she has dumped us for the advice of those who conflict totally with our value's.<p>Please dont call me again Faith N Hope.<p>Sincerely,
Dara<p>[ March 06, 2002: Message edited by: Still Learning As I go ]</p>

still learning,<p>You have every right to feel the way you do. They are your feelings.<p>What I don't think you have a right to do is post these comments about FnH on this board.
I think this is a personal problem between the 2 of you and I think that is where it should be kept. Between you and FnH.<p>Why are you so upset that she has been to gloryb?
Is it because she accepted advice from the people there or because you don't like the site yourself?
I've been there.....I don't agree with alot of what they say over there. BUT.....I've also seen some very compasionate posts to people....actually trying to help a BS understand and sound advice from the OP's.<p>You say you got so involved because her situation reminded you so much of yours a year ago.
Please think back on your situation and remember how frantic your thinking sometimes gets. As a BS....I know. We will sometimes get so frantic that we will take advice from anyone.
You will also notice that FnH posted there after an altercation with someone here. Isn't it possible she felt she was not welcome here anymore at the time and felt that maybe she could get help from gloryb. Help has come from stranger places.<p>I'm sure the FnH sees nothing wrong with the support she gets here.....BUT.....when in the situation she is in (H has moved out and in with OW) you need all the support you can get and will take advice from ANYONE willing to give it. You search for answers.....you want to know what's going on in your H's mind and in the OW's mind.<p>She was not hiding the fact that she posted over there. She plainly stated it.<p>IMHO......I think you are over-reacting. I have spent countless hours talking with her on IM and countless hours with her on the phone.<p>There are countless others here at MB that also post over at gloryb....and I see no one flaming them and telling them that they have abandoned us here at MB. <p>I think maybe you are taking this a little too personally.<p>IMHO.....this post was uncalled for.
FnH cannot be told where and who she can post too. She has a right to look for advice elsewhere....even if she is already getting good advice. It does not mean that she dumps one for the other....it simply means that she is trying to look at it from all perspectives.<p>Again....you have a right to feel as you do.....but I think this really should have been kept off this board and between the 2 of you.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Miss Priss:
<strong>still learning,<p>
IMHO......I think you are over-reacting.
IMHO.....this post was uncalled for..</strong><hr></blockquote><p>This sounds like a disrespectful judgement. This post was not directed towards you. With all the judgements you threw my way I'd say you are taking it personally.<p>I chose not to call her again, and to let her know why. <p>BTW,<p>On one of her posts over there she referred to the gloryB bashing thread, and was looking for validation that 'she did right ' by them.<p>I have a right to my own feelings without you critisizing them. So, to be blunt, as you were,
back off. BTW, as you said, IMHO.<p>Dara

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>This sounds like a disrespectful judgement.<hr></blockquote><p>Is that not what your first post was?
Disrespectful Judgment on your part because FnH asked for advice somewhere other than here and from someone other than yourself?<p>FnH is NOT the first person to visit another board....or TOW for that matter while seeking advice from us here at MB...and she certainly won't be the last.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> This post was not directed towards you. With all the judgements you threw my way I'd say you are taking it personally. <hr></blockquote><p>Actually....according to this statement.....<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> All of you whom have spent hours posting to her, calling her, she has dumped us for the advice of those who conflict totally with our value's. <hr></blockquote><p>I do believe that I was supposed to take it personally as I am among one of those that has spent hours posting to her and talking to her on the phone.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> You will find ZERO compassion for you or your marriage over there<hr></blockquote><p>Just to clear the air....let's look at this.....these are responses from people at TOW.....<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I think somebody told you on another thread that you should stay away from all the "relationship talk". I would like to reiterate that here. That letter was too much. "My dear and precious husband?" Did you EVER use those words with him during your marriage? And he's not being very "dear" or "precious" right now.
Men often say that they are skeptical of all the nicey-nice stuff they get from their wives once an affair is discovered, because they think their wives are just luring them back with all that, and then once they're back, and trapped again, the wife goes back to the usual stuff.
I think you should give him a reason to WANT to come back. Get strong! Dress nice! Look sexy! Be independent. Ignore him a little! Make him WONDER! BRING BACK THE MYSTERY! Flirt with him. Be coy! Make him chase you!
Forget all the relationship-babble talk. I think that's a big turn off for most men.
That's my advice. Just trying to help!
<hr></blockquote><p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I'd take the money situation into my own hands. That money is half yours too and there is no reason why you should be put out just because he's got an OW with kids. She should be able to support her own kids. What did she do before your H came along??? Makes you wonder what her motivations are...<p>I really hope I didnt offend, it just seems to me like he's using you as "insurance", just in case things dont work out where he is, he knows your door is open... as for him not calling D? Unforgivable in my books, especially after 7 days... <hr></blockquote><p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Your letter was very moving, although I doubt your H will fully appreciate it. I am sorry for the pain you are in, but would like to concur with the others who suggested seeking an attorney and perhaps filing for legal separation. Doesn't mean divorce is inevitable, but it will protect you and your DD's interests. Now that he knows where you stand, move on. The decision is his and his alone to make. Let him be the one to contact you. I also agree that his not contacting DD is inexcusable. Good luck and please stay and keep us posted. <hr></blockquote><p>Looks to me like she got some good advice from TOW Board. It looks very familiar to advice that she has gotten from people here.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I chose not to call her again, and to let her know why. <hr></blockquote><p>Yes....you chose not to call her and let her know why. <p>Could you not have done it in a more tactfull way? By email maybe....or actually call her one last time instead of bringing it up here in front of everyone?<p>I think she has enough on her plate right now.<p>I could see the cause of this if she had actually went over there and bashed us all for our views.....but just because she sought advice from someone else?<p>I'm done with this......it's bad that one is lashed out at for seeking advice.

Well, I believe now I understand why you are so offended. You hang out over there as well. <p>I choose to air this here, for my own reasons. Mostly because I am not usually a confrontational person. In fact, I live in harmony with all around me. But, there are a few things that irk me. Including this. So shoot me. <p>Maybe next time I need to post, I'll IM you and ask your permission. <p>I tend to vest alot of myself in those I care about. Whether or not she is getting good advice over there is not the question. Consider your source.<p>I am appalled that the OW have come here to pick fights. So yes, I 'feel' betrayed. But, right or wrong, in your opinion, that is how I feel.<p>And you stated you could see my point if she had bashed us. Well, she has sided with a bunch of OP in this debate going on both the boards.<p>My support for her, and those here was not good enough. Or maybe not enough. Whatever, I dont know. And, yes, I know how desperate she may feel. I've been there. But desperation does not, nor has ever, caused me to lower my standards. And accepting and embracing those who are so blatently against my value system.<p>Enough said. I just find it very amusing you have become so offended by this.<p>Dara

I think she is just confused. How does she know she can trust us when her Best friend made a vow before God to love, honor, cherish and obey her yet he betrayed her. <p>She is searching. Let her go search. She thinks maybe if she gets in the OW mind, she will understand. <p>It is such a drag we are all here. I too get frustrated when I see the same people making the same mistakes over and over. But it is their life and their mistakes to make and they gotta figure it out themselves.<p>Still Learning As I go, since you gave so much of yourself to her and are now resentful about it maybe you need to reconsider your own boundaries. Don't give so much of yourself, maybe you just gave too much. We are all hurting here and sometimes it is hard to think clearly through the hurt. I'm sorry your hurting, I'm sorry Faith's hurting and I'm sorry I'm hurting. You can't control her. Friends should give unconditional love but no, you don't have to give so much of yourself that you become resentful. There's gotta be some kind of balance. If you gave her so much love and are now writing off her friendship then aren't you doing the same thing her Husband did to her? or maybe you feel since you loved her so and she sought OP that she is betraying you the way your H did you. <p>Wow, the damage that has been done is so deep. My God, Lord, how do we heal from this?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Well, I believe now I understand why you are so offended. You hang out over there as well. <hr></blockquote><p>It'll take more than your postings to offend me.
This isn't offensive to me......I simply think that you could have handled this in a different way. Posting this for EVERYONE to see is not in FnH's best interest.....but when we are blinded by being angry....sometimes we just don't think about anyone but ourselves.<p>I do not "hang out" at TOW. Actually....I went there after I read this post to find those responses. It's only the 2nd or 3rd time I've ever been there.<p>Let's face it.....not ALL OP's are BAD. They aren't ALL the hideous people that some of us would like to make them out to be. Someimtes they are actually a victim themselves. As a BS I have to admit that. That is part of the healing process. If I keep a hatred of someone that doesn't believe in the same things that I believe in then I will wind up a very lonely and sad person later on in life. I don't really think anyone wants to end up that way.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Maybe next time I need to post, I'll IM you and ask your permission. <hr></blockquote><p>Let's not take this to a childish level please.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> My support for her, and those here was not good enough. Or maybe not enough. Whatever, I dont know. <hr></blockquote><p>It's not that the support was not good enough....it's that it wasn't and isn't enough in her situation and at this time.
We need to remember what it's like......her H is living with the OW for a week now. I sure as hell remember what that feels like.<p>I don't think too many people here can tell us that they haven't tried to figure out what was going through the WS and the OP's minds at the time this is going on with them. What better way to figure that out than to ask an OP?
So you don't like TOW Board....it may hurt you to go there....you may still have too much pain to be able to view the things that they say......that's fine....because that is you.<p>But.....who are we to tell her that she can't find an opinion elsewhere.....and who she can get that opinion from?<p>Did she ask for anything of you that you weren't willing to give?
Did she take your advice and throw it back in your face?
Did she try to hide the fact that she's posted over at TOW?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> But desperation does not, nor has ever, caused me to lower my standards. And accepting and embracing those who are so blatently against my value system. <hr></blockquote><p>Oh PLEASE!<p>Desperation has made me do worse things than ask advice from someone that was or is an OW.<p>What your telling us is that you are willing to be friends with someone as long as they believe in the same thing that you do....otherwise they can take a hike.<p>Some friend.<p>With a friend like that......who needs enemies?<p>Why do your posts about this upset me so much.<p>Because I know that 8 months ago.....when I was in a situation like FnH's, if I had people I thought I could trust and talk to that did this to me.....it would set me back in a million ways.
Not only would I not be able to trust my H which is obvious.....but I would now have trouble trusting ANYONE.<p>I don't think doing this to someone is done in any way to help them....it's done to hurt them. <p>Doing it discreetly gets the point across just as well....and saves ALOT of feelings getting hurt.......I thought that was what a part of MB was about......supporting someone. Not rubbing their name through he mud when they do something that we don't agree with.<p>I think this whole thing has been blown way out of the water.<p>I think that I am also a little too personally involved with FnH's situation to post to this any longer.

I have never asked you for your opinions which you so freely share.<p>I have asked you to back off. What part of that do you NOT understand?<p>Talk about high-jacking a thread.<p>You are a bitter woman. <p>Can you not find something better to do? I suppose not. Oh heck, now I am sinking to your level.<p>BACK OFF.

Wow, I am new here and have been lurking on this site for awhile.<p>I cannot beleive some people's behaviors and harsh words. <p>Still Learning, I am sorry but I have to side with Miss Priss on this story. And I think that your behavior is totally unacceptable. You should be the one to calm down and learn to respect others.<p>I guess I will have to go find some other board where people don't rip each other's heads off!<p>NB

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by NewlyBetrayed:
Wow, I am new here and have been lurking on this site for awhile.<p>I cannot beleive some people's behaviors and harsh words. <p>Still Learning, I am sorry but I have to side with Miss Priss on this story. And I think that your behavior is totally unacceptable. You should be the one to calm down and learn to respect others.<p>I guess I will have to go find some other board where people don't rip each other's heads off!<p>NB<hr></blockquote><p>Ughhhhh!!!!!!<p>Newly Betrayed,<p>Please, please, please don't go. This site is very helpful. The people here are wonderful and wise. <p>This particular thread is an exception. There can be disagreements, altho we RARELY witness disrespect in responses or posts in general. <p>I'm so sorry your first impression was tainted. Please stay!<p>Lv,
Jo

Thank you so much Jo for your reply. It really is a relief to hear you say that. As I didn't know where else to go to get help. I will post my own story very soon. I'm at work now and will post in once I get home.<p>Again thank you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Excellent!<p>Thank you for giving us (MB) another chance.<p>We'll be looking forward to reading your story.<p>Jo

NB--<p>I was ignoring this thread, but I have to respond, too.<p>Jo is right....<p>No matter what your situation is, you will find support here. <p>E

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Ughhhhh!!!!!!<p>Newly Betrayed,<p>Please, please, please don't go. This site is very helpful. The people here are wonderful and wise. <hr></blockquote><p>ditto.<p>I'm glad you reconsidered and will stay and post. This thread has probably gone a little too far, but just think, we are all REAL people here, and we all have disagreements in every-day life. <p>Don't throw out the baby with the bath-water and assume it's always like this. Tensions have been high lately, and we'll get through it just like everything else. <p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 06, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Faith1 and Elad, <p>I want to thank you both for your replies too. <p>I was initially shocked by some of the posts I have seen on this board in general over these past few days. But at least I know that there are some decent people willing to listen and help.<p>Again it really means alot.<p>I will talk to you all later,
Love
NB

Dara <I am disappointed that you are judgemental of me, you are not who I thought you were> Apologies to anyone else that I may have offened by trying to understand what may be going on in the OW's head. We all know that the WS talks to them and tells them what irritates them about their spouse. Well there is usally a common element when the BS is fighting for the marriage...what pushes WS away, and what draws them near. I have found wonderful people on both boards. I thought that you were one of them, forgive me for trying to gather information, knowledge is power. I was very excited to meet a friend here in Wa. I too was a little leary of meeting, I don't particularly have alot in common with most women and I never have fully trusted them my whole life because they had done nothing but hurt me. No not all OP's are bad, and yes some of them would rather not have a BS asking questions over there, but I have NEVER been treated like an enemy as you have made me feel. I did not intend to upset you or anyone else. You know, no one else has gotten that upset. I really enjoyed meeting you and your kindness that you showed was wonderful and touched my heart, but now I know why I don't trust. What you said about betraying you, no, I did not. You judge me for trying to understand, you hurt me very deeply, I thought that you and the few friends I have made here would understand my actions were not to offend or hurt, but to inform. You above all I thought woudl understand, I thought that I had made a friend that was kind, nice and would be the kind of friend that would stick my me and not take offense to something that was not even directed at them. Also I didn't betray my other friends that you mentioned. They seem to understand. It is you who betrayed me and hurt me, because your cruel, unkind, uninformed comments were directed straight to me. I fyou would like to be re-imbursed for the lunch I will happily do so. As I recall I was ready to pay my share...you told me no. I would like to do that, since I seem to be a waste of time and effort, funny my H makes me feel the same way. I really liked you too.
Miss Priss, thank you for your words and understanding why I post at TOW, I hope that no one else takes offense. They ARE human over there, they are the "bad guy" to us, but they cry, they laugh, they get angry, and they are helpful in alot of ways. I am not making excuses, or defending the break up of marriages, Lord knos that, but in the same turn, they have given me advice on how to not do the thins WW do to offend their husbands, and that is valuable to me.
They are someone's daughter, mother, wife, son, father, husband, brother, sister, and I see that for the most part when they come to MB, we offer them advice on how to get out of their situation, also alot of times they come over and see/feel the pain we as BS's are in and that is the deciding factor in them ending the affair. We CAN all help each other. I was just using all the areas of help avail. to me. <p>MB has been wonderful,I have felt that I made a little extended family, mine is small and far away, maybe I was wrong. I would love to continue to post here, I have made some great strides thanks to you. But if you would rather me not, then I will leave.
[img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Miss Priss says:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Let's face it.....not ALL OP's are BAD. They aren't ALL the hideous people that some of us would like to make them out to be. <hr></blockquote><p>So what makes someone bad or not? OP's actions ARE bad. Their choices have hideous effects. So why doesn't that make them bad or hideous people? Their actions are bad and hideous by choice. The effects of their choices ARE bad and hideous. The pain of betrayal is the same. <p>A person's actions define who he/she is. Bad is Bad. <p>"Character is what you are when no one is looking."<p>"You are what you continuously do."<p>Estes

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> So what makes someone bad or not? OP's actions ARE bad. Their choices have hideous effects. So why doesn't that make them bad or hideous people? Their actions are bad and hideous by choice. The effects of their choices ARE bad and hideous. The pain of betrayal is the same. <p>A person's actions define who he/she is. Bad is Bad.
<hr></blockquote><p>Ok then....let's apply this to our WS's then.
They do the same thing that the OP does.....then they should also be considered bad r hideous....in your opinion.<p>So then....in your opinion none of us should work on our marriages because simply.....we are married to bad or hideous people. The OP is BAD....so they aren't worth our time.....which in turn make the WS BAD....so they aren't worth our time either.<p>Sounds rather hypocritical to me.<p>Lets take this even further.<p>If one of my children.....say my 3 yr old does something that she is not supposed to do.....then am I to call her a bad girl?
Now....that would border on verbal abuse to my child would it not?
Yes....her actions were bad.....but I would not tell her that she is a bad girl. Talk about having issues when she gets older.
I would tell her that she isn't to do it again....that it's a wrong thing to do....and assure her that she isn't bad....but her decision to do it was.<p>Lets face it.....the WS AND the OP carry the same amount of blame once involved in an A.
Nobody held a gun to either ones of their heads and made them have an A.
The WS knows they are married.....the OP may or may not know.....doesn't really matter....each person is to blame........which obviously in some peoples eyes makes them a BAD person. Both of them......not just ONE of them.<p>If in fact this is true then why the heck did I fight so hard to be in a Happy Recovery with a BAD person?

BRAVO MISS PRISS, BRAVO!!!!!![I][/I]

Good grief what a thread.
though I guess emotions are better loosed here than when trying to talk to your spouse.