My question is this. How many details do I need to share? <p>I had an EA with a man I fell in love with (we didn't touch). I had introduced my H and OM at a function bc I thought they'd really like each other; right after that, I realized that I had fallen in love with OM, and confessed to my husband that I had a crush on OM. So for a year, my H knew that I was seeing OM nearly every day for lunch and that I had grown very attached to OM. Very early on, my H told me that I needed to quit seeing him and change jobs. I ended up changing jobs, but continued to see him, against my husband's will. <p>Beginning last May, I unsuccessfully kept on trying to cut off contact. My husband was so frustrated with me and the situation, that I began to lie to him about whether or not I had contact with OM. I didn't see OM, but we talked on the phone and exchanged emails. Finally, in January, we saw each other, and decided all contact had to end. So I have been going through terrible withdrawal, but as far as my H knows, we stopped all contact in May.<p>My question is, do I have to come completely clean with my H about the fact that I was actually in touch with OM until January, in order to really move on and to build the very best marriage we can? Do I have to share with him my terrible struggle between heart and mind? I adore my H and he adores me. We are getting along great and have made great progress in improving our marriage. I have identified things I was getting from OM and my H is now working hard to provide that…. But I do wrestle with whether or not he needs to know the gory details of how incredibly hard this has been, or since my EA has ended, is that all he really needs to know?<p>I feel guilty that I've not shared every minute of my EA with my H, but I wonder, am I just looking for yet another person to talk about my OM and vicariously relive the EA?

read all the stuff about radical honesty (especially the stuff about emotional honesty), and you will find your answers there. IMO, yes you need to tell, love cannot exist (not real love anyways) unless two people are totally open and vulnerable to each other.....you either fear he will think less of you (and leave you so to speak), or you have a misguided notion you are protecting his feelings (something you are not allowed to do, every human being has a right to their own feelings)...either way these are impediments to fully connecting, the level of secrets one keeps, determines the maximum quality of a marriage....so the real question is, how good a marriage do you want? And do you want one where fear is part of the foundation. In any event, based on what you posted, I doubt it is a real issue....I suspect this is more a trust issue for you, and gaurding your heart from hurt. Love requires exposure, leap of faith, you cannot love unless you are vulnerable to the equivalent amount of pain IMO.....good luck.

One of the books about infidelity I read said that 'secrets are crazy making for the spouse.' And that was definitely true. It was harder not knowing, and being lied to than knowing the details. Our imaginations are often more vivid than reality. Please tell him. Tell him when contact ended so that he has all of the puzzle pieces and can go from there. Good luck

You ned to tell him whatever he wants to know. I am one who didn't want every gory detail, only the pertinent facts. I got the unsolicited gory details from the OW anyway.

This may help:<p>http://www.suite101.com/mypage.cfm/contactliz/10633