I have been trying to find out OM's new phone # from internet directories since he bought a house 1/31/01 (supposedly for my wife!!) and moved. Anyway, I stumbled across his wife's phone # (they have filed for D).<p>Question: should I call her?????<p>My status is that my wife's A with OM has dwindled to almost no contact (as far as I can tell). I have stopped talking about A, OM and relationship and am just trying to live my life with my wife. This has led to about a week of quasi-happiness (at least no pain and no LB'ing). <p>But I have so many Q's. Like:<p>How can A just end, after all of my wife's "I love you's-I need you's-you are my soulmate"-etc.etc.<p>Did OM leave his wife for my wife and is he a jerk?<p>Am I wrong about status of A??<p>I'm not sure what OM's W can tell me. Also, if she tells OM and my wife finds out- MAJOR LB. Finally, there is always the danger of me getting involved with OM's W out of spite.<p>But- I feel like I need more info about the A so I can judge what is happening in my marriage (my wife won't talk and may never talk).<p>But then again, I am over much of the pain of the A and this may open old wounds.<p>ADVICE-PLEASE.

I would call. I am very glad I called the OMs wife.

Please do not have affair out of spite... perhpas you callher and say you will gladly help her with any info you have.. hoping she will do the same.. but you would like for your discussions to be confifidentail... as you are trying to make sure there is no contact... does w know about the a? Do not get involved.. only callif it will help to end a... if she is not interested in relationship with you= then... stay away... if she wants spy friendship that is confidental for your peace of mind... good...good luck, just my 2cents...H

no, do not call boppo, this is a zero gain circumstance nothing to gain, lots to lose. I assume she already knew (that is the main reason to call intially anyways), comparing notes is also helpful to uncover lies, but that seems mostly moot now....and you can always call her later if you see the need....you are trying to control boppo, forget it, you are doing good now, keep it up. Ultimately this is only about w and you, and whether she freely chooses you (and you here)...either way your life is not over, just do the work, and let whatever be, will be.

Boppo...what have we learned here? We've learned that affairs solve nothing, right? She may be able to be a friend to you, but it seems like a very vulnerable time right now, doesn't it? I would at least limit it to a confidante relationship at this time, if you get involved at all. Part of the "rule of protection" is that we need to take precautions to safeguard ourselves from temptations when we're weak or vulnerable...if I had done this, perhaps I would not have had my affair to begin with. Rememebr also that you do not have all the details, and if you talk to OM's wife, discuss what you know, not what you think you know or guess may be going on. This is how things can get exaggerated and blown out of proportion. I'd hate to see your recovery sabotaged because your wife is afraid you'll never trust her again [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Don't be your own worst enemy during this time...think about your goals...what do you really want to accomplish? What is the best and most productive way to accomplish those results? Be careful...<p>It's very possible for the affair to just "end", as you put it...the OP really is just filling a role, a need, in your W's life...I really believe that the OP we choose are chosen because they're convenient and willing, not because of some great cosmic love (although in the fog, we tell ourselves that this is what it is). If your W really starts to believe that your relationship can improve...if you can really meet the needs that have been going unmet...then she won't have a need to look elsewhere, bringing a rather abrupt ending to the affair.<p>What will it take to earn your trust again? Is your W wiling to give this to you yet?

OMG.....I cannot believe this....but I'm going to agree with snl.<p>I don't think it's a good idea to call based on your post.<p>You said that you are over much of the pain from the A......so what will calling her accomplish?<p>1. It will open old wounds.
2. It would be a MAJOR LB if your W were to find out.
3. The OM's W may not know anymore than you already know.
4. Calling her is almost an invitation for an A to happen between you and her.....you've amsot admitted that yourself.<p>Too many reasons for you to NOT call her and not enough for you TO call her.

Great advice from all. So far 3-2 against calling.<p>My inclination is to hold on to the # and not call unless/until I have a good reason. To me, a good reason would be down the road if I have reason to believe A has "heated up" again. I pray that doesnt happen.<p>So, unless someone gives me a compelling reason to call- I won't call.

The following comments are based on a situation where your wife is not living with you. I cannot tell from the opening statements. Until the affair IS over, I believe you have every right to seek the truth in whatever manner you legally can.<p>1. It will open old wounds.<p>In my case, I was able to confirm much what I expected and I was also about to inform her of somethings I knew. Truth is clensing. It did not open up old wounds for me, it shed light on the truth.<p>2. It would be a MAJOR LB if your W were to find out.<p>As unfortunate as that may be. Too bad I say. It was a LB that I hired a PI to learn the truth but the only way I could verify my suspicions and to take action with good conscience.<p>
3. The OM's W may not know anymore than you already know.<p>True, but you will never know until contact is made. The affair may be over as well but I don't think there is a BS that would not like a little confirmation.<p>4. Calling her is almost an invitation for an A to happen between you and her.....you've amsot admitted that yourself.<p>I really disagree with this (well, at least in my case). As long as it is kept to phone or email, I think you would be fine. I would never meet the woman in person though. I spoke on the phone and by email with the OMs wife and I was very thankful that I did. I never even entertained the thought having anything to do with her otherwise.<p>Too many reasons for you to NOT call her and not enough for you TO call her.<p>Can't say I agree. Only two reasons not to call her: Possible LB with wife and possible threat of affair. I think the later can be easily managed. I feel you have far more to gain by establishing contact. I, and my marriage, is so much better now because I did contact her - I learned the truth and it help topple the mountain of dishonesty my wife had built. She could not hide the truth from me very easily any more.

Boppo --
Plan A. Its about working on YOU. Its about being the best person you can be. Its about showing your W that you are working on yourself, and displaying all the things that she would miss most about you.<p>Think she'd miss you trying to control her A into ending? <p>Think she'd miss you interfering with her relationship?<p>Think she'd miss you mistrusting her and finding everything out for yourself?<p>Think she'd miss you freaking out about more information you find out from OM's W?<p>DO NOT CALL. <p>By the way, what good would it do you to hear the answers to all those questions? In what way would that information be beneficial to your marriage???