Something happened last night that really made me realize the futility of what I have been trying to do, and also made me realize how pathetic I am and that it is time to regain my dignity.<p>As you know, I became friends with this woman, fell "in love' with her, although I was the one leading with my heart. I wanted to pull away, but felt such an ache in my heart for her, that I wondered if I could still be friends with her.<p>Each day she has called me on her way home from work. Last night she did not, and I had to call her at home to get some info on the project. SHe said she had just gone home. And it hit me that I sit around waiting for her phone call. That is so pathetic. Waiting for the crumbs of a woman who might not care for me 10 percent of what I feel for her. And I have a wife at home who loves me 100 percent.<p>I hung up and today I am kind of irritated. At this OW, and myself. I am mad at her for not realizing what a great man I am, how I could be her friend and why she does not see that. I am irritated at myself for thinking such nonsense.<p>I have to be involved profesionally with this woman for one more month on this project --- she is at another company. I plan on being all business. <p>I hope my heart heals from this stupidity I inflicted on myself.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I plan on being all business. <hr></blockquote><p>I LOVE how you didn't say TRY!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I hope my heart heals from this stupidity I inflicted on myself. <hr></blockquote><p>Do the work... understand the recovery process... and, while it won't be easy, you will heal!<p>Cali

Glad to see you've finally snapped out of it before you did something REALLY stupid. The pain you would have caused your wife by continuing on the dangerous road you were on is something you cannot even imagine. I know, because I've been experiencing it for a month now.<p>Do something really special for your wife this weekend and let her know how much you appreciate her. Experience some real love with the real love of your life.

My problem is that I feel so low today, I really miss this woman, even though it is total fantasy. My heart aches, part of me is scared to be alone, I feel emotional. A whole range of feelings.<p>A part of me wishes she would call me right now. The high would get me through the day. <p>thanks for all your help. I feel as lonely as a kid who has been jilted by the high school cheerleader. <p>I NEVER would have thought I would be in a spot like this. NEVER.

You are right when you refer to "the high." Our counselor told us it's an addiction like alcohol or other chemicals. During withdrawal, you feel like you'll never make it through. But you WILL if you really put the effort into letting go of a fantasy and making a better reality. But it has to be cold turkey or you don't stand a chance. I'm glad you're starting to see the truth about this and why it won't work. Good luck.

Something tells me that it would be EASIER to get off alcohol than it would be letting go of the heart. I never thought it could hurt like this, even though I was never all that deeply involved. I can only imagine what it must be like for someone who has taken the total plunge

When you think of her, FORCE yourself to think of something else... get some good books to read (like the books recommended here on MB and from MB'ers), think of your Wife instead, write your wife a love letter, etc. It will take time and self-discipline, but you can overcome this.<p>also, go back and re-read your other thread "trapped heart". That thread contains some of the BEST advice I've seen on here.<p>Hang in there!<p>[ March 06, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Do the exercises in this book called Letting Go:<p>http://www.half.com/cat/buy/prod.cgi?cpid=753821

Another reality. Only take responsibility for YOUR part in this AFFAIR. If the picture you have painted is completely accurate, then here is what I see. When your OW allowed you to stroke her hair, touch her face, kiss her, hold her in your arms, you said at times she also said I love you, and she gave you a valentines card, AND she sat on your lap in a private room, and called you her little guardian angel, and turns around and says that she doesn`t need to hear that you love her all the time. WHAT KIND OF A PERSON IS THAT!!!!!! For one thing, she may guard her HEART, but she sure doesn`t guard her BODY very well. FREINDS of the opposite sex just don`t DO that stuff, even though you didn`t have sex, those interactions are completely inappropriate, dangerous, and IMHO any inappropriate physical touching IS SEXUAL IN NATURE, you do not have to perform a sex act or touch sexual parts of someones body to be a PHYSICAL AFFAIR!!!!!!!!!!! There is something very predatory about your OW. She dangles the carrot, leads you on, you have been her puppet, plays a game with you, toys with you, and then stomps your heart (HENCE THE PAIN), this is not the average OW. ONE way you can get over this is to realize (If my veiwpoint is correct), is to see that you have been used and abused, and MAGNIFY the things about her that are distasteful, (pretty much everything!), and soon she will be someone that you DREAD being in contact with. I know this sounds harsh, but my H encountered an OW just like this and it broke my heart to see him being made a fool of, and at the same time it broke my heart to know he was willing to betray me in this selfcentered pleasure seeking way. I AM GETTING OVER IT slowly. Get your heart off your sleeve and only bring it out when you are with your wife, you are a vulnerable man, ripe for another affair with this OW or another one. AND YES TELL HER EVERYTHING, if there is more than what you have told us, TELL HER THAT TOO, if you need to do it with a counselor, minister, etc. AND stop sharing and/or listening to ANYTHING of a personal nature, anything about marital problems with people of the opposite sex, NEVER mentor a woman, the way you have conducted yourself in the past you have ASKED for problems. WEAR A SIGN ON YOUR SLEEVE that says, DONT mess with me, I am married(happily or not, it doesnt matter), and give off those vibs CLEARLY, it sounds like it is against your nature but THATS TOUGH, you are MARRIED, so act like it. Wish you and your wife well.

mmsAdvice - everyone here is giving you good advice. I am also a BS and my WH of course is the wayward spouse. You fantasized, and you did have a physical affair. There didn't need to be any intercourse, she sat on your lap, you kissed her, you touched her, you felt her body. This is physical, and this is a PA. The hurt is true, but do you realize the hurt you placed on your wife? The hurt she has to see twice with you. The hurt to your wife she feels, she also feels the hurt you are having with withdrawal. If you could only feel what we have had to feel, I will tell you it is no fun, it HURTS SO MUCH. The pain it causes in my chest is unbelieveable. <p>Also, she needs to know everything. Ask her if you and her can sit and talk about the affair. If she wants to know everything, try to get your thoughts organized, and try to go from day 1 - ?day whatever. To make ammends, the truth needs to be spilled out, and this will tell her everything that happened. Whatever you do, do not hold any information back, even if you think it will destroy her. Eventually, the pain will lessen, but it will never totally disappear. You have betrayed your spouse, who she gave you her soul, her heart, her thoughts, her mind, her body for the rest of your lives together. And you abused her, like my WH did. Show remorse and guilt. This is the start to reconcillation. I didn't get the remorse and guilt. This affair was told to me and here on the boards so many times that it was meant to be. My WH said that he was bonding with the woman when he had sex, to get to know her better. Even when she told my WH 2 months before they had sex, that she will never leave her husband, will never divorce her husband. Also, this is the OW 2nd physical affair in her marriage.<p>Show your wife special feelings. Rub her feet, rub her back, make her a wonderful hot drink at night, draw her a wonderful bubblebath, plan a nice weekend dinner date, ask to brush her hair for her (when I had surgery on my R arm, my WH used to do that and it was most enjoyable), after dinner - say to her - you have had a hard day, I'll do the dishes, and why don't you sit down put your feet up and relax. I'll come sit down in the living room with you when I am done with the dishes. There are so many things to do, and see what happens. This woman needs your attention, as well as you need hers. Open your heart, please!

mm,<p>You are doing real good. At least you woke up in time to see that you deserve much better than this. And you HAVE much better waiting at home. A woman who sees and loves the many good things about you.

Did you say this woman was married? She sounds EXACTLY like my H's former lover. I can't believe how much alike they are. Her initials don't happen to be LS do they?<p>Stay strong

Go watch the movie "Fatal Attraction". That should cure anyone's wandering desires.

Why don't you tell us more about your wife?<p>Why don't you try filling out the EN questionnaire together with your wife?<p>When are you going to start focusing yourself on your marriage instead of pining over your hurt feelings from being jilted by your fantasy OW???<p>I'm getting to the point where it seems like you are not really interested in what is being offered, only in your own hurt feelings of withdrawal from being unwanted by this business associate when you DO have a wife at home? Remember her????

mm - - - looking for an update... how are you today?

mm I challenge you to read my post "The straw that broke my back" , and tell us how you view the abandonment of your wife after that. I still love him, I have come to veiw his behavior as an illness, that is the only way I can live with it. My post is on march 7th, I will bump it up so you can see it.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mmseekingadvice:
<strong>Something tells me that it would be EASIER to get off alcohol than it would be letting go of the heart. I never thought it could hurt like this, even though I was never all that deeply involved. I can only imagine what it must be like for someone who has taken the total plunge</strong><hr></blockquote><p>mm - I ask that you see this as a testiment as to what we have been trying to tell you. It is my hope, that you can use what you have learned to help others that may be in the same denial that you were once in. You are coming out of the fog. You can help others at this site understand just how blinding it can be while you are in it.<p>I wish you the best of luck, You are finally on the road to recovery. That road is full of pot holes but you are finally going the right direction.

MM,
How are you doing today? There are a lot of people who are concerned about your situation. Let us know...
1step

I am doing a little better. tonight will be a true test for me. I have to meet this woman for work on our project.<p>I am being honest -- when I look in her eyes, I loose all sense of logic. This is exactly the stuff a 15 year old boy would say!!

Mn,
I know the heart ache that you are feeling. I have felt it every day for nearly two years and I never touched my friend. I'm getting stronger, but it has been an hourly struggle for two freaking years. ( By the way, I am a recovering alcoholic (I haven't had a drink in 8 years) and that was a piece of cake in comparison to the struggle I have had with this addiction.)<p>I still play games with my mind, saying that someday, the OM and I will be friends, but I know in my heart of hearts that won't happen.<p>I realize that I can't have the intimacy I want and need to have with my H without coming completely clean with him about my EA. (My H already knows that I fell in love with him, he just doesn't know that it's taken me so long to get over him.) I don't think I'll tell him that I thought about this OM 24/7 for 2 years, but he needs to know more than he does right now. I am tired of feeling sneaky…I was on MB last night and he wanted to know what I was doing on the internet…I felt so guilty…my H has no idea that I have spent the time and energy trying to get through this…I'm embarrassed that it has consumed so much of my life, but I don't think I can go on living with this big secret.