Hi All,<p>Say this the other day but didn't have time to post. Come back and more of my favorites are here. Lostva, FHL, CL, all of you, it is always a pleasure to read your posts. And of course there is the famous "Zippy". [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You know I think people are right the board has changed, but I think it is because sooo many more people are posting. It is hard to read them all, hard to post, and yes it is even hard to find ones very own post. Most of you guys/girls date back to when there was only one forum and that made it easier to find things or in my case remember where I posted something. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] The stories and the angst really haven't changed much though.<p>Peppermint, you starting this thread was very nice and probably needed.<p>Well, better check out. Anyone heard from K lately? Or even Chris?<p>God Bless,<p>JL

I remember first coming here, back in April of 01, almost a year now, wow!!! And there were some of your parties going on, and I remember there was a thread on shaving/waxing/nads pubic hair areas, it really was quite funny and was meant to be just that. I read some more and seen that you people really did know what your were doing and were so ready to help a newbie. I appreciated that.<p>I still feel like such a newbie most of the time, but I too look to some of the post that don't have many replies and try to add something of worth. I also try to welcome those that are posting for the first time and direct them to the links that will help and advise them to read as much of the material here that they can.<p>So many that post now seem to want a quick fix to their marriage problems or they want you to give them the answer to there specific problem and with your answer it will go away, and when that doesn't work they just keep posting the same question in different ways til someone gives them the answer they want. And yes there are some whiners.<p>And we do need a wake up call every month or two so that we don't allow MB to stray to far from it's intentions. Soooooooplease come back and set us straight every once in awhile.<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Holy Poop on a stick!!!<p>Let's look at the line up here...all the greats that still hang out here... Peppermint, NB, Patient Love, Lor, cl, Lostva and JL. Where is Heartpain?<p>I don't want to exclude any of the other great MB members and my memory is failing, but you guys are truly OLD FARTS, that and you posted to this thread, and I am so greatful for all of the input I receieved from this site and you guys putting up with my silliness. Watch out! Spring is coming and I get worse.<p>And yes, cl, we are getting M, well... not you and me, cause you said no, but me and Gina. I'm gonna be Mr. Little Cookie, imagine that. <p>Any else think it's time to take back control of the site, or is it just me?<p>Yeppers, still the Pinhead. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hey zippy........
I want a wedding invite. <p>Yes, I think we should have a general uprising, take control and plan the spring party!
Anarchy has always excited me. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>PS....you almost sucked me in with the old fart comment. See how much wiser I am now?<p>[ March 08, 2002: Message edited by: cl ]</p>

Hi again,<p>I wasn't gonna write anymore on this thread [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] but this statement got my attention:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by BINthereDUNthat:
<strong>Interestingly, from where I sit, I believe it would be nice to see more of your friends' names posting on more threads than I have noticed...
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>DTDT,<p>I can only speak for me, but I will step out on a limb and say that my friends most likely feel as I do...<p>I could get all defensive (and this might sound like it anyhow, but please bear with me), but if you look at the number of posts I have made, and add in the number of posts my alter-ego has made (Nyneve, 2000+ posts) you can see that I have been very busy replying to posts over the years. That is certainly also true of many of my friends who have posted at this site over the years.<p>Here's what I see happening, BTDT, and I have discussed it on other threads. <p>I wrote a nice Welcome Letter, much like NSR's, only with a little of my personal situation on it. I posted it all over the place, to newcomers. The last time I posted it, no kidding, someone told me to stop giving the Harley-babble. More and more we find that true Harley-driven info is poo-poo'd or outright slammed. It gets pretty discouraging to people like me. <p>Also, my situation has changed, so that I no longer need this site as I did while in the middle of the struggle to win back my marriage. I know that's true of many of my friends who have posted here, as well. <p>I bet you sometimes feel like you're spilling your guts all alone out there -- I bet we've all felt like that over the years -- I know *I* have.

<p>[ March 12, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

Hey BTDT,<p>Thanks for replying back. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I did want to clarify one thing -- this wasn't about *me* per se, as much as it was about how some of us post like fiends for months, then stop, then come back... you know how it goes... so even though you haven't seen some names around since you've been here doesn't mean someone hasn't been posting their heart out before you got here. I hope I'm making sense. <p>Take DeWayne here... he was a super-poster for a couple of years, and poured his heart out with his posts (as I'm sure you can tell by what he posts now). Then he stopped coming for awhile, for whatever reason. That doesn't mean he's ignoring anyone, it just means he stopped coming by, because he got bummed by all the sad stories, or moved on, or simply just backed off for awhile. In fact, many of those who have posted on this thread could say the same. Of the "old-timers" (sorry to use that label) who have posted on this thread, only a few of us have posted without a break (for the most part) in the last three years. <p>Anyway, don't get discouraged. Easier said than done, I know. I am one of those that pours my heart out in my replies also. Gee whiz, if we counted words instead of posts, I probably have millions! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

needs a bump this morning!
Love you all, cl

Hey everyone!<p>Just got back from a few days at the beach! NICE!<p>
Hey Medic,<p>Congratulations! Don't know if you saw the news, but Dylan is getting married too! Don't you just love LOVE? You're right, that's life. I can live without MB now, but it sure saved me THEN. I will keep checking for updates on the big wedding, though! Thanks for stopping by!<p>Hi justthewife,<p>You are right about a lot of good stuff going on here. Sometimes you have to wade through some muck, but there is lots of help available here. Not everyone realizes that sometimes recovery happens alone, after a divorce. I hope you are doing well.<p>BTDT,<p>Saw your post and answered it. I guess you made your point, let's move on. And yes, I know about supporting friends and having friends support you. It can be done with kindness and class (see new beginnings replies on this thread for examples of that), or it can be done with crude remarks, threats, and name calling. Your choice.<p>HEY LORI,<p>I'm glad to hear that you and Robert are doing well. And how is your daughter? Getting ready for college I'll bet. I thought I would literally die when Stacey left for the first week away, but I made it. Thank you for really helping me "get it" that Plan A is a life-plan for me. It made all the difference!<p>Thanks for checking in on this thread. No reunion would be complete without you!<p>Hi FHL,<p>I haven't seen you much since you lurk on the 'dark side' of the forum. I'm glad to hear you are doing well, and if you hear of a cure for that cluelessness thing, please let me know!<p>Hi WillGetThruThis,<p>There is no doubt that MB can work, and that reading about the success of others shows how it can be done. That was much more prevalent when I first joined, but the good stuff is still happening. Congratulations on the success you have been having, just keep up the good work!<p>Hi JL,<p>Thanks for checking in. I was wondering about K myself. I did see an update recently from Chris on the Divorce forum. There are lots of others that I would love to hear from!<p>Hi Daybreak,<p>How are you? Divorce papers on Valentine's Day is just cruel. I hope you will have better news soon.<p>Hey again Sheryl,<p>Thanks. I love you. Like I said before, class and good taste. You have tons of both......<p>Love you all,<p>Peppermint

you're right. Time to move on...<p>[ March 12, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

All I have to say is Old Fa...old fuh...old fah...old farts?<p>I don't remember what we were thinking of chosing as the "oldtimers" term replacement, but I'm pretty sure old fa...fuh...fah...<p>Well, that wasn't it. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Peppermint - Sorry it took me so long to respond to this post...I feel a bit guilty...<p>I found MB in May of 1999, just lurked and read for a while. I think my first post was 12 July 1999. D-day was 10 Apr of that same year.<p>It took quite a while for me to get the hang of Plan A. I was doing quite a bit of it, but LBing pretty often. W was driving me crazy with her waffling and after moving out for 4 months, I returned home and filed for D in Sep 1999. Didn't really want to, but I needed to get on the road to some kind of resolution.<p>It was kinda eerie as we sat at the table together, calmly filling out all the D paperwork and asking each other questions about various parts.<p>W is not only a conflict avoider, but an "action avoider" as well. The D action finally died in Nov 2000 because of a failure to prosecute. W wouldn't go for dismissing it proactively(I refused to do it unless she told me that is what she wanted me to do), but she was quite pleased to see it die.<p>Some of you that replied here probably remember my posts about the "dueling therapists". W's T did some unsuccessful joint counseling for us and by her lack of aggressiveness and unfailing belief that everything W told her was true, she really delayed W hitting the wall and coming out of the fog.<p>Anyway it wasn't until Sep or Oct of 2000 that W finally said she wanted to work on the marriage. Turns out that that is what she wanted all along, but OM kept her confused on the issue and her reluctance to keep me informed as to how she felt kept us from starting sooner.<p>All in all, at this point, I have to say that we are recovered from the affair. We are still having trouble dealing with the issues that got us to that point in the first place and W's issues that prevented a "speedier" recovery.<p>MB was a life-saver for me. I wonder about a lot of the "oldies" that have already been mentioned, but I also wonder about DuncanMac and Suse. DMac really saved me from making some huge mistakes and I was always humbled and awed that DMac and Suse would discuss my situation offline together to come up with ideas.<p>MB also gave me a new "sister". Lori, Robert and Kristin are not "like" family to me, I consider them to be true siblings of mine(well, maybe Kristin is a niece, but let an old man fantasize that he's young, OK??).<p>Sheryl is just the sweetest thing, always so concerned about hurting someone's feelings. I just want to smack the people who attack her. Sheryl, I don't think a lot of people here care much for people who "pour out their hearts" in the betterment of people and this board. They want to hear enablements, co-dependent statements and the same rationalizations and justifications that a WS uses. Their tune will change, I just hope it won't be too late for them and their marriages.<p>And you, Peppermint, really I think I'm much closer to your situation than the others...Still too many outstanding issues. I don't have a "great" marriage yet, may never have if I don't just give up on some things. However it's not the destination that's important, it's the journey...<p>Peppermint, as you well know, I totally agree with your assessment of the board. I do really tire of hearing those who take offense at that drag out the tired excuses that it just seemed different. They don't know what they are talking about. I did some research and I'm going to produce the evidence on one of the gloryb discussion threads.<p>Love you all....<p>P.S. BTDT I just wanted to thank you so much for dragging the gloryb "poison" onto this thread. It just made so much sense to use this thread...[sarcasm off]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Heartpain:
<strong>P.S. BTDT I just wanted to thank you so much for dragging the gloryb "poison" onto this thread. It just made so much sense to use this thread...[sarcasm off]
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Ouch... sorry for poisoning your thread. Good all, with your future MB efforts.<p>[ March 12, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

Hey Lor,<p>I've got to agree. While I don't much care for "old-timers" either, if those are our ONLY two choices............<p>HEY DEWAYNE,<p>Apologies/guilt totally unnecessary, I knew you'd show up eventually AND that it would be worth the wait.<p>Great assessment of our situations, by the way. We too still have old issues that seem magnified by the affair, and our marriage is NOT great. But I alway try to add YET onto that statement too! The frustrating thing is that we have the POTENTIAL to have a truly great marriage. We have at times!<p>Thanks for reminding us all of how far you have come and for adding your thoughts about the direction of this board.<p>I agree, it is about the journey at this point. I've been thinking over the past few days that making stops HERE is just serving to get ME off course. Time for a new route perhaps!<p>Best wishes to you and your wife. I miss you!<p>Peppermint

Peppermint - I liked the way you put it that the old issues were "magnified" by the affair. That's true for us too. I just can't get Susan to really sit down and deal with this stuff. She has an anger problem(I posted about this "years" ago) where she often gets much angrier than the situation really deserves and then hangs on to it for a long time. Example: In February and March, I labored thru a string of four consecutive weekends of the "silent treatment". On only the first weekend, did I have any idea what I could have done to have engendered her wrath.<p>When I try to discuss the needs that I have that are not being addressed, I get one of two responses: 1) denial of her responsibility; or, 2)it's all my fault. Most of the time things are pretty good between us, but my unaddressed issues are still outstanding. As long as I keep that to myself, everything is OK, even good.<p>Probably the biggest factor in the demise of my first marriage was, after we lost our youngest son, I was forced to deal with the grief alone. My ex completely shut me out. Sure I had friends and relatives, and that was a great help, but what had happened, was really focused on the two of us(being the parents). Our marriage was never the same after that.<p>I'm afraid that history is repeating itself because I was forced to "recover myself" from the affair. Susan refused to talk about things that happened between her and OM and what her true feelings were after D-day. I was required to observe her actions to try to understand what was going on(her insistence). Now having the prior experience lets me know what could happen to us, so I try to stay on guard....<p>I agree with what you say about the board...I do still have a couple of "musings" posts that I would like to enter before leaving, but "goodbye day" is approaching rapidly.<p>I am thoroughly disgusted by 1) the new crop of board "leaders" who think they know-it-all and having been here less than a year think they can tell us old-timers that our memories of how much different(and less effective) the board is now versus a few years ago are distorted, that things were just as bad then; and, 2) the glad-handing, enabling "advice" that is now given.<p>I think JL is right, that it has to do with having more than one board and the sheer number of people. The "big-mouths" cannot be shutdown as easily because there are so many "baby birds" here with their beaks open, waiting for any worm whether nutritious or not...Too many seek the easy way out and too many are willing to tell them that there is one.<p>The same best wishes back to you and your H and I hope that someday soon you are able to address and clear up all those "old" issues...I miss you, too....

Hi "kids"... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I thought that I'd pop in on the old farts thread to say "hi". I haven't been around too much lately---I had back surgery (that went well) in December, and I've been very busy catching up at work.<p>Marriage is doing pretty well, considering the strain we're dealing with. My wife has been "tentatively" diagnosed with a brain tumor, and we're still trying to deal with the uncertainty of that situation. The good news is that she's showing no neurological signs of a tumor, and that it's not been a definitive diagnosis (the MRI's aren't showing a big, clearly-defined tumor). There are plenty of obvious down-sides to this situation too---but we're trying to keep the focus positive and deal with the situation as best we can. I'm also dressing the kids in riduclous-looking outfits for school in the morning so that she's too afraid to die, for fear of what the kids will look like in public... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>We have started to do some things that were "future" plans---for example, we now have a couple of nice horses for the kids and my wife to ride. They're having a lot of fun with that, and it's an excellent distraction for my wife.<p>I've really given up responding to new people as a habit around here. I used to spend lots of time doing that, especially when the board wasn't so spread out and the volume of traffic was 1/10 the amount. I've gotten very busy at work and can't afford the time that I used to spend here (nearly as much as Sheryl...). It is a shame---I don't see as much emphasis on using the MB materials to solve marital problems as I used to. But it's good to see some of the oldsters still taking the time to respond to particular situations (you know who you are... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>God bless, everyone!

Hello my parallel sister~<p>I too agree with what you have written. MB site really changed since I joined this journey. Not much really different to say then what has already been addressed and/or written. <p>It is rather nice to see us "old farts" on a thread again.<p>Judy

O'kay...so here goes...<p>My last post to this thread was hardly an update, because I really haven't been in the mood for doing that sort of thing yesterday was my 13th anniversary and I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about it or even get through it, but then I had to remind myself that I am a survivor, even if my marriage doesn't unltimately survive.<p>I found MB in October of 1999, just a couple of weeks after D-day, read like mad (posts, articles, anything and everything I could on the website) and registered early in November.<p>I think my first post was in Prayer Requests and then I worked up the nerve to come over to infidelity (I was untallnikba then). It was like new life had been breathed into me. There were people out there who knew exactly what I was feeling and could even help me understand what my H was feeling and thinking and why he was doing the things he was doing.<p>I showed the site to my H hoping he would read, post and really understand what the dynamics of the affair were...(his first user name was 2soulmates so you can imagine the fog he was in) and then hopefully we could move on and build a really healthy relationship.<p>Up until the affair our relationship wasn't good, he was verbally and emotionally abusive and negative a lot of the time and me being a co-dependant of sorts tried to look past the unhappiness that created in me and tried the best I knew how to create a somewhat normal household (if only I could make him happier he wouldn't be depressed or angry or ... ).<p>The affair was quite intense for about 8 months (as intense as it could be with 1000 miles separating them), with me never really being sure if he was going to stay or just take off one day to be with the OW.<p>The affair ended several times but kept creeping back into our lives time and time again...OW had never experienced Arik at his worse and so talking to her made him feel good and almost like he could start over fresh (much easier than fixing the problems that had been created in the old relationship). I had seen him at his worse and stayed and therefore was "safe". He could take out whatever anger he had bottled up throughout the day on me...the one person who he says has never left him or let him down...but I guess in a sense I did let him down by being "safe" (but that is a whole differnt issue I guess).<p>
The boards here were my life line. My friends here would keep me on track and let me know when my plan a was a little lacking...and when the OW came here for a time several friends advised me through email and helped me through the really difficult times that I just didn't feel comfortable posting about.<p>Arik is living in California now and the kids and I are still in NOrthern Canada. It isn't easy, somedays I feel really, really alone...(yesterday was one of them). But I plug away and do the best that I can. Trying to hold things together and be a good mom to our kids and keep the lines of communication open for Arik and the kids (and Arik and I too). I guess we will see where the road leads us in the future but for now I am just trying to take it on day at a time.<p>I have become a stronger person through my interaction with my friends on these boards and I know without a doubt that whatever relationship I enter into in the future will be stronger because of the principals I have learned through all my reading on the boards.<p>I too have to disagree with those that say that the "old timers" memories are selective.
I have done some research over the last few days...looking at the board at different times and was unable to find a time when the solid MB advice of a long standing member was rebuffed again and again...that is until this last year.
I have been unable to find a time when MB members have gone over to gloryb on a regular basis, tracking people down and copying and pasting posts from members over there. (Yes there have been posts about gloryb but not to the extent that it has been recently)<p>I have to put in another vote to peppermints and DeWayne's...this place as it is now is just bad for my spirit.<p>I will however be looking in from time to time to hopefully catch some of your musings DeWayne. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 14, 2002: Message edited by: Patient Love ]</p>

Wow, it's been awhile.<p>Just when I thought I'd already gleaned and learned all I could from MB, here I am again, lurking around reading other ppls threads and LEARNING yet again.<p>Guess it's time for an update from me too.<p>I was the WS. D-Day was in May of 99. No dealings with OM since beginning of July 99, save for one sending me an EM in the fall of 99 which I did not respond to. Don't worry - it wasn't hard - I wanted to write back and rip him a new one, but figured he didn't deserve my time of day and that silence would speak louder than any words I could write. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>We now have a 19 month old son, my greatest joy in life.<p>H and I have been in the healing process for a long time now. I know I hurt him badly, and wounds don't heal overnight.<p>He's had something going on with him, I don't know what. I cannot physically drag this man to see a counsellor. He has tried, but he really needs to find the right kind of person - one he cannot railroad over. I feel for my H. <p>I know he needs help. WE need help. But after the last counselling disasters we have just been thru, I am offically jaded.<p>Nice to see all (or most) of you again.<p>[ March 14, 2002: Message edited by: Khyra ]</p>

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=016136<p>I come in peace!
I just wanted to say that it was never my intention to visit peppermint's thread uninvited and leave a sour taste. Maybe in my brief time of being on this board, and being unfamiliar with the way things were when you guys first started here, or any board etiquette if there is such a thing, I overstepped by posting here with an off-topic question. I'm very sorry.<p>It's just that peppermint, you don't post much and I had what I thought was a sincere question for you. I guess I felt like it was hard for me to ignore the OW who posted recently. I read a lot of threads and maybe I tied too many things together. So I thought you were saying I wasn't mature enough to ignore. Obviously you weren't even talking about me... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] oops...<p>Maybe my way of asking peppermint came across to Heartpain as taking a stab, but I really and truly did not mean to stab, nor was I attempting to poison this thread. Although, it is what I was perceived as doing.<p>Heartpain initiated a discussion of gloryb with the link above. I thought it would be okay to ask what would we do for friends, in cases where a friend was attacked by an OP here, on this board? How could we ignore that? But by asking peppermint the question, it was misunderstood that I was attacking. I probably overreacted to begin with. You know, more of a defensive reaction.<p>My attempt to ask a question of a MB oldie in the most sincere and respectful way I could muster was not received well. So ??? I'm at a loss, but I still would like to make peace. If that is not possible, I'll understand, but would just like to have it for the record, that I tried.<p>I feel like I needed to say this cuz I might have some friends on the board who don't know what happened as I deleted my prior comments from this thread--again overreacting, getting my feelings hurt, feeling rejected, not understanding...<p>I'm sorry, but I just wanted to explain to anyone reading who might wonder what the heck I was doing on peppermint's thread since I'm not a BS or a WS or an OP, and definitely not an old-timer on MB. I was an OW at one time in my life, but I'm not that anymore. I'm not. I'm a wife and mom and that's all that I am. OH, and I'm a MBer too. I'm not trying to irritate you guys in any way. <p>I appreciate everything said here, I appreciate your patience with me, and I understand what it feels like when you lose the sense of one close-nit, happy family where everybody knows everybody and you don't have to try to distinguish who is really a friend or foe.<p>I came in peace and I go in peace.