How do you actually know when you are beginning recovery? How do you know when it's been achieved?
How long has it taken for those of you who are recovered to get to that point?

I'd like to know the answer to those questions too. Jante

I knew that my H and I were in True Recovery when.........<p>1. He started openly sharing things with me without me asking him to.
2. His attitude towards our marriage changed. One minute we were going to make it....the next not.....now.....we are DEFINATELY going to make it.
3. When he started meeting my needs without me having to ask him to.
4. He started doing things on his own that I had told him I needed him to do.....to recover.
5. He went from saying.....I don't want to feel like I'm on a leash to actually making sure that someone could vouch for his time and wherabouts.
6. He went from being constantly moody to being a happy person.
7. Now when he sees that I am "in a mood" he does anything and everything to make me happy. Those moods are few and far between now.
8. He got involved with doing more family oriented things.
9. His affection towards me no longer feels forced. He now shows me affection freely and frequently.
10. He shows regret and remorse if I "have" to talk to him about the A for any reason. These times have become few and far between also.<p>These are just things that let ME know that I was in recovery.<p>After the A ended it took about 3 months for us to reach this point.<p>[ March 06, 2002: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</p>

Miss Priss described it perfectly. For me, now, there is no doubt that we're in a very real and wonderful recovery. <p>After the A totally ended, it took about 3 1/2 months for this to come about.<p>[ March 06, 2002: Message edited by: kb4jb ]</p>

hmmm... I called it recovery when his actions matched his words.<p>Yes it took some time to have the feelings and emotional stuff come back, but I count recovery at the point where it was clear through both word and LOUD action that he had made a decision to fix what he had broken.<p>So ... he didn't start meeting my needs right away - there was withdrawal and all that fun stuff to get thru, but he instantly began making himself willingly accountable for his time, and gave up all of his privacy. He wrote a nocontact letter for me to send to his OW. He began making and following through on plans for the family both short and long term - including a family vacation and household improvements.<p>It was very clear that he had made a decision. There was no wavering, or "maybe" or "if" statements. <p>And just as Steve Harley said: Actions first, feelings will follow. <p>So, I count recovery starting at the point where the actions started taking place rather than an emotional connection occuring.

Well...since we had 6 failed reconciliations, you could call them learning experiences, but you couldn't call them recovery...I didn't know we were really in recovery until we'd been back in the same household about 6 months. So, I started saying "6 months recovery" at 6 months. That was approximately a year after H's PA stopped, and 9 months after I stopped pursuing the divorce.<p>When is recovery achieved...I guess I do see it as a process, I'm not all the way to the finish line, but I rarely trigger on bad anniversaries, I don't track them, I don't need to talk about the FOW unless I happen to see her. When my H is late from work, I assume he's working late. When I get mad and it has nothing to do with the past.<p>Life returning to normal, whatever that means to you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .

This is kind of depressing. Here I am nearing the 6-month mark post D-day and still waiting for all those things Priss and BR mentioned, so I've waited nearly twice as long as the time frames Priss and kb noted. Is there anyone who has gotten there, but it took a lot longer?<p>Could it be that the A didn't end when he told me it did, so there might be some hope within 3 or 4 months of whenever the A TRULY ended? I'm pretty sure there hasn't been any contact since I tried to Plan B and he refused to move out (Jan. 22). Should I start counting from that date instead?

Conqueror,
For some of us D-day has nothing to do with the beginning of recovery. Recovery began 2+ years after H's PA began, about 18 months after discovery, and then I didn't start counting it as recovery for another 6 months.<p>Except for the fact that we are in recovery, you could call that time line depressing...feel better?<p>[ March 06, 2002: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</p>

Thanks, Lor. I've been trying to think in longer terms lately since I'm not in constant pain anymore and think I might be able to wait quite a bit longer than I originally thought, but sometimes I worry that it might be more wishful thinking than a realistic hope that things might change if I wait that long.

Thanks everyone. I don't know if I'm in recovery or limbo. This affair stuff is confusing.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Conqueror:
<strong>Here I am nearing the 6-month mark post D-day and still waiting for all those things Priss and BR mentioned, so I've waited nearly twice as long as the time frames Priss and kb noted. Is there anyone who has gotten there, but it took a lot longer?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hey Conqueror, just want to let you know that it took about 9 months from D-day, about 4 false recoveries(all while A was on again/off again, without my knowledge) and then about 3 1/2 months after it was really over for them. I had totally given up hope by the time she came around.

Conqueror,<p>I found myself in True Recovery 10 months after DDay.<p>After 3 false recoveries and 3 seprations.<p>I was about at the end of my rope and my H was the one that begged me to work on our marriage.<p>There has not been any contact with the OW for 3 months now. We have been back to living together for 5 months.

My response may be redundant, but here goes anyways.<p>I am certain my WH and I are not in recovery. I've been registered with MB for 8 months now, and I have learned a lot. But I think there is a lot I haven't done, as well as my WH. For his part, he continues with the secrets, lies and behavior I find unacceptable. For my part, I am lost between Plan A and Plan B. The reasons why I continue to be patient are many. First and foremost, my kids. Second, I don't want to throw away 17 years of marriage. Third, I'm not so sure of myself anymore, even if I would be strong enough to strike out on my own and threaten the big D. Are these good reasons? I don't know.<p>I await recovery. But I know there is a lot worse yet to come.<p>Guess this isn't very encouraging. But it seems these relationships and timelines run the gamut of possibilities, don't they?<p>Best wishes.

At least among these posts, there appears to be a pattern involving the 3-4-month mark after the last contact, which is in line with what Dr. Harley says about the withdrawal period.<p>I remember thinking that my H wasn't acting like the descriptions of WS going through withdrawal, and he WAS working shifts with OW until the end of November. He went through his last mean spell toward me right before New Year's, and he has been taking me with him to his former workplace every time since Jan. 28.<p>So, if the pattern we see on this thread has a chance of applying, I MIGHT see a change in April or May. I'll keep you posted.<p>The pattern also tends to confirm my suspicions that he has A LOT MORE to tell me about those first 3-4 months after D-day. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]