Here is my situation. My wife had an affair 07/01 and I discovered the affair on 10/12/01. She advised that her and her partner had decided to end the affair on 10/11/01. October - December were terrible. Neither one of us really tried to work anything out. Since 01/02 I have been trying to make changes to make my wife happy and save our marriage. She just keeps telling me that he wants to be alone. She wants to grow on her own and doesn't want to be married anymore. She says that i hurt her too much. We started counseling 3 weeks ago, one day a week. Still she tells me she wants to be alone and if i love her i would let her go. Our sex life is nonexistent. When I ask once a week she reluctantly lets me, but no participation on her part. I practice what MB says to do. I send her flowers, emails, ecards...but i get nothing in return from her. I reassure her everyday but she avoids discussing our relationship. If I don't bring up us...we have good days. Looking for advice.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by hopenden:
<strong>If I don't bring up us...we have good days. Looking for advice.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You answered your own question. Sometimes you need to table the OR (our relationship) talks and do what you did during the courtship. Do what works and attracts her to you. Stop doing whatever is pushing her away.<p>Think of the times when she seems happy with you and focus on what you were doing right before and during those times and then do more of it. If she seems to be pulling away from you, stop whatever you're doing immediately and don't do it anymore.<p>Definitely avoid anything that contributes to her feeling of being trapped or in a cage. Open the cage door. Let her go. Dr. Dobson's book, Love Must Be Tough, is very good for explaining the dynamic in a M where one partner wants out and the other clings. He explains what happens when you back off and let go.<p>Basically, the more you hold on, the more they struggle to be free of you, but when you let go, they have to face whether they really do want out. They don't have to look at that as long as all their energy is focused on escape.

Yes, Conqueror has it right on... check out Divorce Remedy also, and of course, Surviving an Affair.<p>Another thing to be wary of, is whether your wife still has ANY kind of contact with OM. Even though she may say its over, withdrawal should not last forever... so if it's going on and on... you might want to very quietly investigate that more.<p>Just some food for thought.

Thanks Conqueror & J,R. The last three days I have really been focusing on not pushing. I continue to try and meet her emotional needs and not be controlling. Last night she came home from night class and just started talking. She said that she just doesn't know. That's an improvement to me, it used to be "I want to be alone" all the time. She said she feels my whole family knows what she did and she feels they are just putting on a front when we see them. That in some way they do not like her for what she done. She thinks they know everything, they don't and I told her that. They do know we are having problems but that is the extent of it. She just listened. I then just told her that I hear her and understand her feelings. I told her I love her and that I can only show her through my actions that I have changed and will continue through counseling to learn new ways of living so as not to ever return to my former self. Again she just listened. I'm not sure but it seems like she is coming out of withdrawl and back into conflict? Am I right? I am going to keep doing what I have for the last three days, because it seems to be yielding positive results. Is there more I should do?

H-<p>I don't want to bring you down anymore than you already are, but there is something in your post that really hit home. I found out about WS A on 9/27/01 and about week after, W told me it was over, that OM dumped her and was going to try and rebuild his M. For the next 5 mos, W kept telling me that she needed time 'to figure out me' and wanted to be left alone, she didn't know what to do, didn't want to be married anymore, needed space, etc. I just found out that the A never ended, that it continued in full force and everything WS told me was just a smoke screen to hide the truth from me.<p>Maybe it doesn't apply to you, I pray that it doesn't, but thought I would share this with you since I see some similarities. If the A did continue, then you are at the DDay +6 mos mark, the time when most people say that the A really begins to fall apart. If I'm wrong, I apologize for stirring things up.<p>Also, I commend you on your Plan A efforts. If I could suggest though, maybe back off on the gifts a bit. I tried that as well and it just didn't work, W thought I was trying to buy her love back. And the sex, if W is only doing it to 'oblige' you, maybe back off on that as well. I'm sure she is feeling pretty dirty right now and that may not be helping. <p>Try to be a best-friend right now, be the shoulder she needs to cry on and the arms she needs to hug and hold her. Don't push anything on her, let her make the efforts to talk, and when she does, only offer your advice, opinions and feelings when asked. Since she is in school, direct your energies to meeting her domestic needs, I know she will appreciate that.
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Thanks for the support. As far as I can tell there is no contact with the OM. We had a very good week. I've tried to scale things back and not push. I found last week that in doing so, she made efforts to stay in communication with me throughout the day...boy that felt good! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I did ask her where how she felt about us yesterday and she said we are working on it. I then left it alone. I want to ask her at least once a week how she thinks things are going. Should I continue to do this or wait for her to give me updates? I am really feeling good about us! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]