03-06-02 update:
Had closing for the sale of our house last WEEK, MOVED MOSTLY BY OURSELVES AND SO IT HAS BEEN EXTREMELY HECTIC. <p>Oh, the sex thing, just wanted to get some attention, sorry!<p>Big trigger today, which brought back memories of old battles – her not wanting me to call –even on her day off ?! Is she just too Busy … just doesn’t want to talk to old boring husband?! It is always a battle as to if my call is important enough and of course the ranking of importance is totally dependent on her value system as to whether I consider it important, it matters – none!
AI way too sensitive here? She makes me feel like I am a total loser and a wimpy, needy nerd here! That upsets me – way when dealing with other people – they generally show me some respect! I do not feel that I feel we ‘re drifting back to where she takes me for granted – what do you think?<p>We were doing better – we had a big blow up the night before Valentines, then on Valentines she said she would got to couples counseling & put it in writing with card even! --We would have to find new counselor, as she informed me she did not relate to one we went to -- this is what she says & of course my DW did virtually nothing she (Counselor) recommended -- My DW has not followed through with anyone’s suggestions - pastors, ideas from MB -- whomever -- she does what she feels comfortable with. The move and all caused us (ME!) to focus on the task at hand. Our sex slowed down, but has now picked up again. Yesterday & this morning she even complimented me (performance driven here, no expressions of love of course!)on the sex thing. Latest thing -- I got a new car --pre-owned, but only 27,000 miles, yesterday -- My old car had 242,000 miles & she agreed I needed a new one & she wanted me to have one. She went with me to look the night before & I had her look at this one yesterday morning -- it is an OLDS and the others we looked at were Toyota & Nissan -- the one I had was an Audi & hers is a Nissan --- for some reason (?), she admitted this morning she likes the idea of a foreign car more ( I knew this, although she had not said it). I frankly like the idea of an American car -- for me-- it matters not to me what others drive. First thing this morning, I was in the drive checking out some of the specific features & she calls on my cell phone and said she was waiting for me to leave to check out the car and she was very supportive and upbeat for the most part, except I tell her that I am hooking up my radar detector and she tells me I did not have to do that, that it was for trips. I tell her that I wanted to run the speed up a bit to see how it felt, ECT. As I reflect, there are not very many times that I can say something, almost anything, that she does not come back with a different slant or perspective if not a direct negative or counter point against my comment. It's like there is very seldom anything I can say that she will give me a positive reinforced agreeable response. She has the day off, so she is not rushing to get off to work or anything. I get to work & I am excited & I call her to tell her that it drove beautifully & the like & that she'll love it on trips. 30 minutes later I thought of something else I wanted to tell her --- trivial, car thing, so I call her back & I get her old typical response & big triggers flip out on me. Just the way she answered, we have caller ID, was like "Now what?!" I try to neutralize her attitude. I said, now you don't know if it what I have to say is really important-- trying to be jovial. But she did not lighten up, just silence. It is like I feel like a real fool & nerd when she treats me this way. She said she had let our dog out & it was barking & that she wanted to get on with the day & did not have time to "chit chat" -- This pissed me off! It was just like it used to be when I called -- work, at home on her day off, at her parents, her cousins; it does not really matter, her message is that it better be important, otherwise I don't really want to talk or "chit-chat" with you! I get the message, I'm boring -- she would rather be all fixed up in her sexy look & out getting the attention of other men (& women!) & screwing around!!! She got what she wanted from me (with the sex thing!) this morning and now it was time to move on -- who really cares about me or my feelings or my urge to share or chat. I am really quite low on her list of priorities! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] These are the thoughts running through my feeble brain! I recall one of her lines, to our Pastor in fact, in which a conversions they had that she told me about, was that she felt we had a marriage of convenience & of course the old standby, that she loved more like a brother, but was not “in love with me.” Now I wonder, how she treats me, is this the way a person act with another that they are madly in love with???
Then at 1:00 PM she calls me from this fancy restaurant with one of her girlfriends, as they were out looking at furniture and it is not far at all from my work. She acts all cheery and makes some little joke & asks what I am doing, like suggesting we could meet for lunch, except I think she said they were just finishing (?) & she tells me she was sorry for being short with me -- I did not feel forgiving! I get tired of playing the love game on a one way street! I think I want to love someone that will love me back! – Two days ago, we were talking about a guy we know at church who lives in our new neighborhood and he was suggesting he & I get together for a walk or whatever. I commented that most people like me -- just not you? She said that it was better this last week, that she was digging on me more this last week. I said why? She did or could not elaborate -- none of this is a big ringing outcry of love -- it's has always been the deal that I need to prove my love to her, to make her happy & that she might show some mercy on me and give me some obligatory attention, but any real signs of affection or love is out of the question. As I think about it, it makes me want to puke! When the A's were in full swing, we happened to celebrate our 30th. About ten days prior to date, I gave her flowers and announced a get away weekend in three days or so. We stayed in bed & breakfast & I get her more flowers and Champaign we went on to a resort -- we had wild passionate sex and I had invited two couples friends to meet us. I thought we had a great time -- all of our friends thought I did a great job and the ladies said they wished their husbands would do something like that. After D-day, she recalls an important event --it was three or four days later that she first met the first guy in a motel (it had been in our home before!) and she said she remembers because she told him about our weekend and all! Now I did not think that much about it at the time, but to give you an idea about the pattern in our relationship -- she never got me one damn thing for our anniversary -- no card, no nothing -- does that tell you anything?! <p>Yes, I’m having a slight set back in attitude here and feeling like I need to tell her to go pound salt! Any suggestions?
Peace to all,
HH

Well HH, <p>You sound like you are definitely in the L bank's negative account. So she plays with your emotions. Gonna keep letting her? <p>Sell the house then what? Are you going to be together? It hurts to see you suffer so. You deserve to be happy and not tortured. <p>HH, if this were happening to someone else here at MB. What would you say?<p>L.

Gosh Hurrian,
Honestly, if I called my H and he answered the phone with that tone, I would have hung up on him--promptly.<p>Next time, try it?! See if that doesn't teach her to respect you a little bit more.<p>LB? Yes. And????<p>But you know, she DID apologize so that has to be the end of it or else you will just keep adding to your "stamp collection." Get rid of keeping score of her LB's. It will only enrage you further.<p>I'm glad she apologized. That means that she does have a conscience. Give her credit for that, regardless... Her silly little mood swings could be related to PMS or menopause or just being a witch in general? In any case, she probably needs to know how much the little things mean to you, tone of voice, cards, attitude. It's the little things that mean so much...<p>Don't be upset--translation--your right-standing with God is not worth compromising over your wife's bad behavior. Stay right with the Lord and HE will reward you no matter what.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong>Well HH, <p>
HH, if this were happening to someone else here at MB. What would you say?<p>L.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Orchid,
Thanks -- Dobson's book -- we can't be the doormat forever!
I just can't seem to find the time to really study & get good at protecting myslelf here.<p>BINthere,
Thanks for coming back!
I'm a case arn't I!
As always -- sage advice -- I need to go to step One -- give it up to higher power!<p>Update:
I don’t hold much hope with the counselor thing actually – I’ll have to find one & I have a sense she’ll get right back into the mode of me trying to control her, force her into it, ECT. <p>With the phone conversation thing – her attitude more or less tells me that no matter what importance I may place on a certain conversation, if it’s not important to her, she’ll blast me with put downs and the like. To me this is a form of abuse. I need to learn more about establishing boundaries & consequences – I can’t just keep saying oh, that’s OK darling, I understand & accept her apologies, then next week we have same routine – this is what irritates me as much as anything – this general attitude with my phone calls is not a new thing & it is something her & I have discussed a lot over the last year. I have given up on the idea of any need for conversation from her. She says she just cannot meet my need there! Yet, when we are with friends or meet someone new, I can’t get a word in edge wise. She is MS. Congeniality, warm, friendly and very chatty! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p> I still struggle with her look when we are out together. I sometimes wonder if I am a total recluse and not at all in touch with societies norms?! For example, with her low rise pants and tops that just come down to meet the tops of her pants, when she sits down it creates a gap of about 4 to 5 inches of her upper hips and lower back, and it is very obviously exposed. Last week we were at the furniture store and sit down to write up an order. Anyone walking by will obviously notice this. Two days ago we are at place to get a title transfer notarized – same thing --- I know I don’t get out much, but this seems a bit much to me – it makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable – specifically, I have a sense that there are lots of guys that when seeing this are going to get a distinct impression that she is very sexual and open to advancements??? Have I become a total chauvinists here? Is this kind of exposure a natural thing for the typical women of 49 ??? When a women dresses this way don’t you think a lots of horny guys (not all guys!) will naturally assume that the women is seeking attention & therefore, isn’t it only natural for the guys to show her that attention?? To me, it is a definite very close to a “Brittany Spears look.” Am I to accept this as a norm?! How do I protect myself from these feelings??<p>I am definately a slow learner here. Thanks for your patience!<p>Peace to all, [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
HH