I ended my on-line affair with a lady I met in a chat room. As I indicated in my previous posts, we had become emotionally involved. We had said.. "I love you" to each other and she had ended another on-line relationship a month ago, making our relationship "exclusive". I could not take the guilt or the double lifestyle anymore. I wrote her an e-mail saying I was a Christian and I could not continue our relationship and I no longer use that e-mail address or the instant messaging service that we communicated on and I am not going back to the chat room where we met.<p>I understand the issue of "coming clean" and confessing such a relationship to my wife. I have an above average sense of guilt anyway and I always tend to overcompensate. I have heard professinal counselors and psychologists suggests that telling a spouse about adultery or infidelity is not necessary. Their point seems to be "why inflict pain into someone's life you care about to help lessen your guilt". I see their point. I do love my wife. I have learned my lesson. I will never do anything like this again. Do I tell her and crush her feelings and start over or do I suck up the guilt, love her and move on? How have those of you who have had a similar experience handled this situation?<p>Thank you for your support, your advice and most of all your prayers. God Bless you!

christian.....I am so proud of you for taking the first step and ending the relationship. Do you tell your wife now? I think you will find a lot of people on here that wishes the WS had told them the truth from the beginning. Although it may seem like a great idea to hide it from her she will respect you sooooo much more to hear it from you and to hear how sorry you are than to find out about it some other way. Take it from a guy who tried to hide it so I wouldn't hurt my wife. I wish so bad I had come clean with my wife and confessed it all so I did not have that huge weight on my shoulders of knowing I had lied to my wife and always wondering if she was going to find out.<p> Another thought of why you should tell your wife about online thing is this will now make you accountable about your activity on the computer. This will give you another reason to control the addiction you have.<p> I hope everything turns out good for you. I will pray for you.<p> Love in Christ<p> cajunky

Hi FC,<p>You tell her. Absolutely. Some day she will find out anyways, and she needs to hear from you. More importantly, there is a reason why you developed an EA with the OW online. You need to address those reasons and make things better in your marriage. Your W can't help make improvements if she doesn't know there is a problem.<p>From a BS who didn't know for years, what hurts the most is the lying and the trust that was misplaced.<p>Do yourself and your wife and your marriage the best you can, tell your wife and start on the path to a better, healthier relationship.<p>Dr. Harley's Policy of Radical Honesty is a pure concept.<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>P.S. I don't think you are a failed Christian. We are, all of us, imperfect. You are trying to correct a mistake. That takes courage and faith, in yourself, and in God. Hang in there.

Should u tell? In my so NOT professional opinion u should definitely tell her. This is all about her, not you attempting to save suffering and needless pain. She will pick up on your lie by omission. <p>In my case, I had to drag the truth out of my WW kicking and screaming. This fact alone caused me much more pain than had she come clean in the beginning - as I had asked. The lie by omission is still "the lie", and in the end more betrayal added to the affair - and this is pain you have a choice to avoid inflicting on your spouse.<p>New to this - but that's my 2 cents<p>
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FC,<p>I think you should tell her too. Believe me your wife will find out. Unfortunately that is worse than you telling her. <p>You are not a failed Christian, Christianity is a progression not perfection ( I learned that last night). She needs to know that there is something wrong in your marriage. Because there is something wrong, you are not being truthful with yourself if you think you can just end this internet thing and go on in your marriage like nothing has happened. <p>Your wife has the right to know and the right to have a chance to fix things with you. <p>My H also had an internet affair and his became physical, we too are Christians and struggling with this. However, I am glad he told me b/c I was already smelling it, if you know what I mean. We are now in counseling and more things have come out than just an internet A. <p>This problem is deeper than an internet A, so get your marriage some help. Try Christian counseling so that you can get the christian perspective and have people reassure you that you are not a failed christian.<p>God Bless!

Well, as one Christian to another, I think you are asking the wrong people on this. Of course, most of us are going to tell you to tell your wife (as the priciples of this web site state). I think you only have to look in the Bible for your answer to this question.<p>Proverbs 28:13 No one who conceals transgressions will prosper, but one who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.<p>JAM 5:16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much. <p>(some contend that the last verse means we should only confess to a priest/pastor/Jesus but I am of the opinion that we should also confess to those that we have transgressed against).

As the BS of an internet A there is a good chance that she knows already. While I was busy hving babies my H was having internet sex and having very inappropriate conversations with several OM instead of me.
It broke my heart. It worse for me than a PA. But little did he know I knew the whole time. I never confronted him because I figured he would just deny it.
I finally did after he posed as a 17 yo to carry on sexual conversations with a 16yo. You need to tell her and get started on a recovery together. It's not going to be easy but you won't be able to live with the guilt. And she can't start the healing process. Good luck to you. As a Christian you already know where to go for help and guidance

FC,<p>I was once the WS in an EA. Like you, I thought: "why should I hurt her when >>I<< was the one who did something wrong?" I justified it that way for four years, all the while the guilt eating away at our relationship. I didn't think about it all the time, but I believe that my guilt affected me all the time. I slowly withdrew from my wife, I avoided conversations and conflicts that might lead to me telling my sin. I thought that I could handle it, and that I SHOULD handle it. I thought I was saving her the pain of knowing about it all.<p>Well, guess what, I was SOOOOOOOOO wrong. I withdrew from my marriage and now I am the BS, and may lose the one thing that means the most in this world to me.<p>Even worse, she's even MORE angry at me for not telling her. She sees the last four years as one big lie. That's not how I view it (obviously), but that's how she feels. <p>She told her IC about my "reasons" for not telling, and she couldn't understand them either. Even though we've all seen many times on this site that some man or another didn't tell to "protect" his wife...... the wives just don't see it that way.<p>Sure, part of my hesitancy to tell was because I didn't want to have to admit my wrong, or that I was weak, or whatever, but in my mind, it was all about her..... It's not! Don't be afraid to own up to what you've done. It COULD cost you your marriage, true. It will change it - guaranteed, but that's really what needs to happen anyway.<p>I hope she'll be understand and forgiving. Ask God to help with that. Forgive yourself, ask it of her.<p>Good luck,
Kevin

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 09:18 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Marriage #1: WS refused to come clean about his A. Result: Divorce.<p>Marriage #2: WS came to me, confessed, apologized, and asked for forgiveness. Result: Still married.

My sister recently discovered her husband was doing this, all throughout their wedding no less. He even posted a picture from their honeymoon when they returned. She discovered it herself on their computer, totally by accident. She is devestated (just disovered about one month ago, 3 months after their wedding).<p>She said the hardest thing for her is he hasn't given her much of an answer as to why he did it. He just keeps saying he doesn't know. She has been extremely depressed, and it has been a major blow to her self esteem.<p>If you approach your wife and tell her you have done this, she will probably be upset at first. But, she will respect you more for coming clean, and dealing with the issues at hand.<p>Hope that helped... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I know it's hard and I give you credit for being willing to come here and work on this. But PLEASE tell her. Secrets are 'crazy making' for the Betrayed spouse. I know, it almost led me to have a breakdown when my H lied for years about his affair. The lies were by far the worst part. Our counselor also told us that by confessing, you help to prevent it from happening again. The affair with my (former) best friend was horrible, but the secrecy and lies made it a DOUBLE betrayal. Come clean, go to counseling, show her how much you love her. Good luck

My advice to you would be to tell her. Affairs of the heart can be just as damaging as physical affairs. But secrets? They can kill a relationship over time...little by little. Come clean with her now, deal with the issue, and put it behind you. It's not worth the hurt and guilt you will be feeling the longer it goes on.

I had an online EA that my wife discovered. Bad, bad, bad... I'd do anything to undo the pain I caused and totally understand the urge to keep it to yourself. Popular opinion is right though. Better for the marriage to talk about it and address the underlying problems that led you to it. I'd add one thing though. Read Dr H's writings on the "Letter of Restitution" and write that before you tell her. I'd also talk to an individual counsellor and set up some marriage counselling. The least you can do is set everything up to get her through the process of grieving and into recovery as quickly as possible. Good luck.