Due to the unavailability of jobs in our small rural town, my hubby still works with the woman he had the A with. The A lasted about 2 months with the first 6 weeks just being flirting and easing in to minimal touching - brief brushes. Then kissing was initiated on a few occasions. (no sex). He broke it off with her after one of these occasions and she assured him that if he ever wanted it, "he knew where it was." He says he has not initiated a non-work related conversation since and only responded to her attempts to start conversations with the briefest and sometimes rude replies. He says he works very hard to avoid her. That even looking at her makes him sick. Does anyone have any experience with this type of problem? I believe him 99%. The 1% of unbelief is because of the half-truths he told me when the A was going on. We have identified the problem in our marriage that led to this - my being overworked and overinvolved in to much other stuff and not giving him enough attention. - Oh he says it wasn't my fault, that it was all him, but I'm wise enough to admit to my shortcomings as a wife. There are times I trust him completely to stay away from her, but I don't trust her at all. Even though much of the A was mutual, she is the one that pushed it. He has never had an A in 10 years of marriage, and her reputation is full of As. I'm trying very hard to forgive and give a new slate. He's worked with her for 3 months now with no sign of returning to her. Should this be enough to make me reassured that he can leave her alone? So far besides and occasional attempt at starting a casual conversation, she has left him alone. Any input on what she might be thinking or what he might be thinking based on your personal experience would surely be appreciated. I'd like to be aware of any problems you might have had so that we can work together to head them off. The biggest thing I can say for him is that he's trying very hard to rebuild what we had. Thanks Jamup

Jamup,
Your H has already taken some very good steps:<p>-He didn't accelerate the attraction to sex (PA).
-He avoids her or is rude. Lovebusters work on OP to drain lovebanks almost as well as they do on spouses.
-You've identified the weaknesses in your marriage.
-You are here at MB and can either learn or refresh your marital skills so the 2 of you can have a stronger marriage and meet each other's emotional needs.<p>It's true that an A with a co-worker can easily lead to poor future decisions, but if he can't change jobs, it sounds like he is taking the appropriate steps. I hope he stays strong.

Jamup I can certainly sympathize with your situation. Doc works with the woman he had his A with. 4 people in his dept and she's one...ugh
Not only that she's 2 months pregnant...and to make it worse we live 1800 miles apart currently due to a job transfer. We arent married just in a "commited" relationship.
I do have the good fortune of her showing her true colors at the moment. She's being demanding and *****y, and I'm loving it.
Your husband sounds like he has no interest in this woman, and if this woman has a habit of having A's I'm sure she's moved on to some other unsuspecting prey.<p>Peace!

Based on my experience, I would say you are wise to be suspicious. My H continued to work with OW more than 2 months after D-day, and it was discovery after discovery. First he claimed he could and would go the entire shift without ever seeing her. Then, it became that when she would come up to him and tried to talk to him, he would just ignore her and walk away. Then, after our STD tests came back positive and he refused to let ME contact the OW to tell her of her need to be tested and treated, in fact threatened to leave me if I DID contact her, a month later he tells me HE told her about the STD and proceeds to tell me that she tested negative and the he must have gotten the STD from ME!!!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So I believe there is much more that happened during that time than he has admitted to, and I'm still waiting for the whole story.<p>Oh yeah, also during that time there were at least 2-3 times that he was 45 minutes late getting home from work, and each time it was "an accident on the freeway". I was unable to get confirmation of this from the Highway Patrol or the live webcams all along the freeway, and isn't it interesting that the traffic jams lasted the same amount of time? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] And coincidentally the same amount it used to take him to get home BEFORE D-day, when he didn't bother with any explanation, "traffic accidents" or otherwise.<p>Ooops! Forget to give my suggestion. I asked my H to call me each and every time he had contact with OW and describe it to me so it would be as if I was right there watching it, even if the only contact was having her cross his field of vision from far away. This probably would have helped me, but he never did it. Maybe your H will.<p>[ March 07, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Thanks for your responses so far. The positive responses are in line with the direction I feel our relationship is headed. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Fortunately with the negative response, I realize that I need to be ever watchful. We have both gotten cell phones since and he calls me multiple times during the day, and I call him also. Some days he's not stationed around her, and I don't call as much. When he is stationed around her, he makes an extra effort to call me - because he knows I worry more. When he's located near enough for me to come eat lunch with him, I do so. Especially if they are in the same work group that day. My hubby was a fine upstanding Christian before this and I really think she makes him sick because he sees how she has ruined his testimony. - Even though few of the others know exactly what happened they were aware of the constant flirting and closeness between the 2. He says several have inquired as to why he doesn't hang around her much anymore. He does tell me about all conversations and like I said I 99% believe that he remembers them correctly. There are fewer and fewer of them occuring as she is approaching him less and less. I suppose the most revealing characteristic is his change in attitude at home. Where he had been pushing me away, he is now pulling me toward him. We are having "dates" every weekend. Not just eating out after buying groceries. Real dates. He also bought me a new wedding ring because he said the old one had been violated. The new diamond is much, much bigger. He is literally trying to spoil me, constantly telling me he loves me etc. I guess I just still have this fear of her because she was able to suck him away in the 1st place. Maybe some of you well into recovery can help me deal with this fear. Thanks again for the feedback.

For me, our marriage didn't stand a chance while he still worked with her. They pretended it was over but were still sneaking around, including making out at the office (where her H was my H's partner and best friend. Could have easily walked in on them.) <p>My H finally believed that the priest and counselor were right when they said absolutely NO contact. He couldn't work on himself or our marriage with her clouding the picture. I'm sure your H means well but I would have to honestly say it's going to make full recovery much harder if he continues to see and work with her.<p>I think we all know that everybody is always on their best behavior, and puts on their best appearance for work. My H's lover got her hair cut, started wearing make-up, etc. when he expressed an interest in her. And he had to be exposed to this and her subtle come-ons every day for 8-10 hours. He finally found her another job 10 miles away! I still love him for that.<p>Good luck, it sounds like he's really trying.

I had an infatuation with a woman in my office. Even though I'm over it, my wife now wants me to find another job - something that is really difficult for me personally and professionally and, for my family, financially. I understand the benefits of total separation but, from where I sit, that's too high a price to pay and I'm afraid I will always resent my W for taking such a hard line. My advice, contrary to popular opinion, is that if your husband is REALLY over it AND understands the dynamics of affairs (from this site), AND you are OK with it, then give it a try. I know he will appreciate the second chance. Just make sure he knows that if there's any problem - that's it! Keep working on the marriage and talking about the issue. Look on the bright side, it could have been even worse.

Hubby suggested changing jobs, and at first it was understood between us that he would. However, the only thing we came up with that didn't require a long commute was truck driving. We have temporarily decided against this because it means long separations for us. I need to be around him as much as I can right now. If I could travel with him it would be different, but with 2 school age kids, I can't. Thanks for the response from the man who has been in hubby's shoes. How do you feel about this OW now? Hubby says he can't even stand to see her, much less speak to her. When he has to speak for a professional reason, he said he doesn't even look at her, and walks away as soon as possible. His A was because of lack of attention at home. She gave him plenty. What she doesn't know is that since the A I have been lavishing him with attention. She doesn't have anything to offer him anymore that he's not already getting at home. I know if he ever lets his guard down, she'll commence coming on to him again. As long as they work together, he won't ever be able to let his guard down. That's where I come in - to remind him every morning to not let his guard down. (The last thing we do before he leaves to work every morning is say a prayer together). The prayer in invaluable to us, and we'll probably do that for the rest of our lives.

Jamup, I should have included that my H had an 18 month PA with his co-worker, whom he doesn't have daily contact with, but is now her supervisor. It was difficult for him to end...her response to the "no contact" letter was an email followed by a phone call. And it did start up 3-4 times. But the PA finally ended and about 4 months later the emails did as well. It's all been over for 2 years, and we moved back together 5/00.<p>Continued contact through work makes recovery more difficult, but as R Cane says, there are some WS who can make the change in their behavior, my H did, but I served D papers before he had his change of heart.<p>Something you can look for in your H is if he takes full responsibility for allowing their relationship to cross the line. If he is blaming her...that's a red flag--sure, she may have pursued him, but he didn't cut her off as soon as he should have. Neither are you to blame, even if you were the worst wife in the world, no one deserves for their spouse to kissy-face around with some co-worker. <p>If he accepts that he made wrong choices, that's a better, more responsible view and leads into smoother recovery.

Hubby fully accepts responsibility for his actions. It's me that keeps putting extra blame on her, and that's probably just my way of coping. Neither one of them behaved as they should have. He says none of it was my fault - all of it was his. He says even though she instigated the kissing, she wouldn't have if he hadn't made it pretty clear he was willing to go along. So he has accepted responsibility. I believe that right now he has no use for her, I just wonder if that will last forever or eventually fade to the point that we become vulnerable to an A again. A pastor we spoke to about it said to take each day one at a time, and as long as for the present day I felt like he wasn't interested in her, then I needed to rejoice in that day. He said it wasn't productive to needlessly worry about 4-5 years down the road. And I think he has a point. If things start to head in the wrong direction - then is when we'll need to make adjustments. All of you who have been through this know how it is. One day everything smells like roses, the next day it smells like you know what.

Hubby has agreed to tell a co-worker that if I ever have any questions that he has my hubby's permission to answer them. And he's to answer them honestly. We'll see when hubby gets home if he talked to the coworker or not. I told hubby that I might not ever ask the coworker a question, but it would show me that his intentions are good if he's willing to let me "spy" on him through the co-worker.<p>[ March 08, 2002: Message edited by: jamup ]</p>

Jamup,<p>I would have to echo Conqueror's words. Let your instincts be your guide, they are very rarely wrong. My husband also continued to work with the wench for a few months after the initial discovery. He would claim that any and all contact was "strictly on a professional basis." My a$$! He would tell me that he wouldn't even look her way and he would proclaim on a daily basis that "it is over." I would voice my suspicions and concerns and he would tell me not to read into anything but go running to her and tell her how astute my instincts were. He was deep into the fog during this period of time. It was not until the second d-day that he became totally remorseful and ashamed of his actions. And it was not until then that he could, at a minimum, feel a bit of the pain I was going through. <p>My suggestion? Watch him like a hawk. My husband and the ow found ways of getting around the restrictions that were forced on him, i.e., no cell phone, no privacy on his work voicemail and pager usage. When they are still in the fog they only become more diligent in sneaking around. It becomes a game. How much can I get past my spouse? The only thing that happens during this period of time is that the betrayed spouse becomes the center of a game they were not personally invited to play. A pawn.<p>I'm sorry to say this but be careful, VERY CAREFUL!<p>Scarlet

Thanks Scarlet, My gut tells me everything is over. He knows if it's not that he can kiss me goodbye. I fear more the possibility that somewhere down the line it could start over more than the fact that it might not be over now. - He did talk to the co-worker about answering any inquiries I might have. I don't think he much wanted to because he wants me to have enough faith in him not to have to ask around. If it winds up that I'm having the wool pulled over my eyes, I'll regret that comment later! I am not so dependent on him that I can't make it alone and he knows that. I told him to leave if that's what he wanted. I deserve better than a cheating spouse. I can handle a spouse who makes a mistake and learns from it and doesn't repeat it, but if that's not what I have, then I'd be better off alone.

You're right. You do deserve someone who treats you better than a cheating spouse. However...each day you need to remember a quote you made in the past post. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I can handle a spouse who makes a mistake and learns from it and doesn't repeat it, but if that's not what I have, then I'd be better off alone. <hr></blockquote>