I posted a note yesterday..you can read it under still waiting by name<p>I really feel like I've fallen for the OW, she seems to be everything I have dreamed of and yet I know that it is not reality.<p>I don't want to lose my family, but feel like the sacrifice is worth my perceived happiness.<p>Sometimes I feel so alone and confused I just don't know what to do with myself.<p>I feel like I would be setting myself up for failure and hurt down the road as well as hurting everyone else...but I'm not happy with my marriage or in it. And I'm not sure it is just unmet needs. I'm not sure I should have ever married her. Just doesn't seem to be my soul mate<p>can you help provide some friendship and mentorship? You're words and experience would be welcomed.<p>You could email if it needs to be more personal.<p>thanks

Hello.
Welcome to MB. Im not a WS but I just wanted to offer some encouragement. Your heart seems to be in the right place because you seem to be looking for help. I bet your heart and thoughts feel like they are all over the place. I know you must be feeling pain and so much confusion in your life. This type of thing isnt easy for anyone involved. <p>There are a few good exWS's who might be able to help you out here. Clouds, Trueheart, Kim101 are the ones I can think of right now. <p>I wont go too much in the BS part of things since you didnt ask for it. But I will let you know my wife origionally said many of the things you posted as feeling to me. We have taken many long steps towards each other. I wont say it was easy or that it is close to over, but I think we are both are much happier in our lives than we were just a few months ago.<p>Good luck!

I'm a recovering WS, and I'd be willing to talk to you if you wanted someone to talk to. My e-mail's acting up, but it should be corrected within a day or two if you wanted to chat by e-mail.

I am a WS, but I'm not sure what information I could provide you. The OW you are involved with may or may not be your soulmate. It's always hard to tell when you start off in an affair versus a normal relationship. I thought my MM was my soulmate, and he would say the same about me. Now, I realize my husband is my soulmate. As long as you are involved with the OW you won't really know for sure the potential of your marriage because you are putting no effert into working on it. Not that I am dogging you, I have been there. I put no effert into my family, until I started to notice my daughter and husband were suffering because of it. Then my selfishness washed over me, and I started to wonder what the hell I was doing.<p>Hope that helped... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

the only mentoring needed from those of us who have been there is this..... whatever will be will be re op.... you have discovered that you have marital concerns, and that is where you must focus FIRST....tell your wife the truth, stop the affair, and do the work required to arrive at marital resolution...either it ends in a responsible manner, or you restore and committ based on understanding who you are, who w is, and what you both want from marriage.....and you should have learned a valuable lesson re how affairs come to be, and it should not be a choice you make again, it is a lose lose situation...you must resolve marital issues FIRST, because you are not capable of a functional relationship elsewhere....divided loyalties/interests etc. do not lead to good outcomes in either direction...so make a choice (and it should be to give spouse a chance to deal with this) and proceed in an orderly fashion.

still waiting.... (((((Hugs)))))<p>I understand where you are at and what you are feeling. I am the WS. I had an affair with a MM which ended at the end of Jan. and am suffering some major withdrawals. Still have not told H about it. I'm not really sure that I can be much help to you, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I feel for you and can sincerely say that I understand your emotions as I feel the exact same way right now.

SW,
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>findingmywayback originally posted:<p>. The OW you are involved with may or may not be your soulmate. It's always hard to tell when you start off in an affair versus a normal relationship. I thought my MM was my soulmate, and he would say the same about me. Now, I realize my husband is my soulmate. As long as you are involved with the OW you won't really know for sure the potential of your marriage because you are putting no effert into working on it. Not that I am dogging you, I have been there. I put no effert into my family, until I started to notice my daughter and husband were suffering because of it. Then my selfishness washed over me, and I started to wonder what the hell I was doing. <hr></blockquote><p>My sentiments exactly. You need to work on your marriage first. All of your energy is going into the affair right now. Your confusion to me is a sign that you are not sure of the direction you should take. Stop doing what you are doing and try to make amends in your marriage first. You might be surprised at how strong it can be again. Believe me I know. Feel free to email me also if you would like.
1step

Still waiting --<p>If you think you're confused now, give it time -- it gets worse. I'm also a WS.<p>How do you think of yourself as a person? Are you moral? Christian? Did you ever picture yourself as a person that would have an affair?<p>Getting involved in an affair nearly destroyed me. My self-esteem is shot, I've lost my sense of who I am/was. I've never been as depressed in my entire life. Not to mention considering suicide as a way to get out of a situation I had lost all control over.<p>Dealing with your marriage first is the only honorable thing you can do. Stop all contact with the OP. Deal with your wife and family first.<p>There are a thousand ways to justify an affair -- I've done it, as have many other WS's here. But its never the right thing to do -- no matter how many excuses you come up with.

My single daughter is involved with a MM who has four small children. She thinks he is her soul mate and he tells her the same. They have been at this A for 2&1/2 years, no change. The truth is that they don't even KNOW each other. He has NO idea who she is. When he comes over she makes sure that the place is spotless. Normally you can't see the floor. She has a spending additiction. He would be shocked to see her debt. When the dust settles, she would spend all he had. The list goes on. <p>Her side. He professes to be a GREAT father. His wife is a stay at home mom. I'm sure that if he would relieve her of the kids once in a while she would feel more like "rewording him". When could he be such a great Dad, He works, is a Mormon Bishop, and he has a girl friend who takes time. When would he have time to be this great father.<p>I think you get my point. You really don't know this OP. If you put this kind of energy into your marriege, your wife would fall in love with you all over again. The old saying"you get what you give" is especially true here.<p>I know that the head is doing a real trick on you right now. I do know that there are people here who can and will help you through this if you let them. Before you do anything, please give it a try.
Good luck to you. I know you are in pain.

I am also not a WS. But I have experienced, thru my H's affair with my former best friend, some of what you are going through. My H also felt that he didn't love me, should have never married me, she was his best friend/soulmate, they were meant to be together, etc. etc. He was sure he was madly in love with her. <p>We were separated for 9 mos. It took about a year from his first feelings to really come out of his 'fog.' Now he can't believe he EVER felt that way, slept with her, hurt me, said hurtful things to me, thought he didn't love me, etc. He now knows that none of it was 'true,' it was 100% an obsession. He was depressed and looking for his happiness elsewhere. It did NOT work and he almost lost his marriage, his business, his religion, etc. <p>He has told me that he would try to talk to a friend of ours going thru the same thing. But then he said 'But it won't work. When you're in that situation, you don't see or think clearly.'<p>The only thing that worked for us was time, NO contact and lots of prayers. I wish you well.

Please read my story. I just found this place. Don't go down the road I did. Try to fix it now it will be easier<p>My Story

The people here on MB are terrific. They are supportive when needed or slapped on the wrist when you need that too. You have many people to reach out to and I'm one of them. Read my signature line. Welcome to MB!