Looking for tips.. my h's a is over - says he doesn't feel things are right.. .not sure he can come home now , or ever... but likes seeing me, sf and spending time with me... says he can't be around me for long periods of time.... as I cry all the time and I am emotionally unstable... and all the other lb's I have ever committed in my life.. he holds against me... also he says if I lose weight and keep house cleaner.. that will motivate him... excuse me... I do not mind... but I do not like feeling his love has so many requirements... what did ya'll do about stuff like this, and what are you doing if in it now? what works, what doesn't , how far should you go... when he takes and takes...<p>he gives... but it is in the form of maintaining child support... spending some time with me... sf, dinners, movies.. .but nothing else right now... he dropped the counseling when the counselor hit the head on the nail and called him on his part in all of this...<p>my spouse says I drove him away.. had I loved and appreciated him more... he would of stayed..<p>I feel like I am dealing with an emotionally immature male who does not see my value to him... I feel if I cut him off more he would see what he is losing and change his attitude.. but I would miss him so much it is hard... he just doesnt have his heart in tis... and is being soo selfish... typical it is all your fault attitude-<p>when I tell him he ma y lose me and lose sf with me... et .c... he gets pig headed and says he will never lose me.... etc... he says the sf with me is the best in his life... so if I take this away will tables turn... not wanting to play games... but loving him does not seem to work... it seems like he is playing the game. of.... I will just do whatever I want to her... since she will forgive me and take me back? what do you guys think?<p>I want him back, in love, and being good to me... how com it is so hard... I used to mean the world to him..???<p>H

"How do you win your husband back?" <p>
The quick answer: Be as you were when you two were dating, JMHO.<p>.... after all, that's the person he wanted to marry, No?

i have tried that and it works- problem is now i am mom of 2 and have way more responsibilities than just him.... I used to be soooo care free and wild... my mommy image just doesn't do the same for him as my pre-mom image did... funny thing he wanted kids.. and begged me to have them... says I am great mommy, but that makes me less of what he wants.. ???? confused....<p>thanks, r... <p>that is what he is looking for...

Hey I don't really have any advice as I somewhat see myself in the same situation as you... My husband is still home but everyday I think maybe I should kick him out because then he could decide if he really wanted to be with me... I feel hopeless and pathetic and this is the most horrible experience and he just doesn't get it and kind of tries to constantly put the blame to me.. I also have 2 kids.. but they don't know what is going on except that Mommy is always a wreck and Daddy just walks around like he doesn't have a care in the world.. be strong everyone says it will eventually work out- for me the end to this mess couldn't come soon enough... Good Luck..

I know when I would cry my SO would emotionally shut down...only when he saw that I wouldnt fall apart did we really begin to communticate. I'd save my tears for when he wasn't around..easy to say ..harder to do<p>Peace!
I believe that when we like ourselves other people cant help but not as well

Honey, <p>Your WH has already given you the key to winning him back. In your post you mention four of EN that appear to be very important to your WH. <p>1) Attractiveness of spouse
2) Admiration
3) Domestic Support
4) Sexual Fulfillment <p>You are already meeting number 4, but you can not just meet one EN and think that he is going to fell those feelings of "in love" again. In addition to number four, consider doing the things that he has mentioned, but instead of looking at them as things you have to do to get him back, look at them as things that you can do for yourself. <p>If you are overweight then to lose weight you would be becoming a healthier person. I have lost over 80 pounds since d-day and while WH has definately noticed that I did not do it for him. I did it because I was not healthy.<p>As for admiration, anything positive that he does praise him for doing it. For example, if he takes you to a movie, tell him how much you enjoyed the movie and thank him for taking you. You could send him cards in the mail letting him know you are thinking about him. Little things will go a long way. We seem to be quick to point out the things we don't like, we should be even quicker at pointing out the good things. At first it may be hard, but it will soon just happen natuarally.<p>And then there is domestic support. I have seen this issue in your posts before. This seems to be very important to him, but keeping a clean house can make you feel good about yourself as well. <p>He also is very quick to notice the LBs. Work extra hard to stay away from those. When you start to respond to him, stop and think about how he will take it.<p>He has given you some really good input into what it is going to take, only you can decide if you are willing to do these things. <p>Good luck and best wishes.

Honey- <p>Have you read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson? I think you will find a lot of answers to your questions in it.<p>I understand completely what you are going through, the things you are thinking about, the things that worry you. Please remember that Plan A is about you. Do what you want to do to improve yourself, not what H demands of you. <p>You sound as if you feel obligated to do what H wants or else the M is over. You gotta stick to your guns Honey, show H that you expect to be treated with the respect and dignity that Honey deserves. Anything less is just a sell-out.<p>Be strong Honey, I think that H is beginning to acknowledge your improvements.
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks for the advice.... i am meeting some of the needs... I got my house cleaned yesterday by my old housecleaner... and have finally decided... I can not do without this service in my life... I can keep house... but with the amount of work I do , etc.. etc... then... I can't do all the housework I need and he needs... (WH does no housework)- I have even cleaned his house... while seperated, and he was thrilled... but I felt like why bother... over there. our home needs the work... where the kids make the real mess...not just his mess.... <p>Ok, giving him admiration... I did try doing this alot in the beginning and I know it helped... I know he needs it more... I do criticize more than compliment... and he needs ADMIRATION... capital A<p>Atrractiveness... it is just weight loss... I need to lose 20 lbs.. not the end of the world... to be a size 4... see I am a size 8, not exactl y fat... but fat for me standars... and I guess he doesn't like that... I feel he is quite demanding... since he wants so much...<p>OK, you are right... even when tryping I saw these things.. thanks for pointing them out more... <p>also, still have not read love must be tough... sounds like I need it... thanks, H

Let me start by saying there is nothing wrong with being a size 8. Your H is offering you conditional love. You deserve unconditional love. When my hubby told me of his A, he said the only reason he could think of why it happened was because he didn't feel wanted at home. He wanted me to want him. Within 3 days he began to see why I didn't want him at home. He never did anything to help me. When he got home, he was another liability along with the kids. Someone else I had to take care of. Since he has realized this, he helps clean, watch the kids, and helps me with the job I do at home. He does not go to bed before I have all of the work I want finished completed. This is not something I have demanded, this is something he has stepped up to the plate and offered. As a matter of fact, I'm having to be careful that I don't "take advantage" of his wanting to make up for what he has done to me. When I cry about it, he holds me. Just recently I told him to quit blaming himself out loud around me as I was trying to forgive and forget and when he reminds me of how much he wanted the A during the A, it sets me back. He doesn't feel worthy of my forgiveness or acceptance. He doesn't see how I can even stand to look at him and be with him after he's done me so wrong. I just take him in my arms and tell him I love him. Because I do. Whether our recovery continues or not, remains to be seen, but my hubby's attitude is so totally different from your's that I find your's hard to understand.<p>[ March 07, 2002: Message edited by: jamup ]</p>

thanks jamup... it sounds alike in that I was tired of my h not helping , et c... and for a while he did... but I did not jump up and down and throw a party when he finally starting helping at home some.... way more than ever.. he helped bath kids, and cook , and even washed off dishes... a miracle from the non-housework chauv. days.. I have lived for so long.l.. he is a true atlanta, ga . southern chauv. -<p>anyway... i am just getting mad thinking about how mean he is... and how he will not admit how wrong he was... and that I deserve better... that sob... just keeps saying you drove me away, don't you see....<p>I was quite ill, and I do think this is a big part of problem... i gained 40 lbs due to back injury and could not get out like the usual me for 2 yrs... I have drastically improved since he left since I found a dr... that really helped me right after he left... so h kind of kicked me when I was down... anyone else have this going on... being sick and having h walk?<p>H

I think the first step is to be upbeat and happy whenever he is around. No crying, no LBs, no matter what he says or does. Act as if you've got your act together and you're emotionally stable, no matter how you feel inside. ESPECIALLY if he has caused the weeping, etc., it will not be attractive to him. Right now he is running away from what he did, and every time you try to hold him accountable, even by showing your sorrow, he is going to run or attack to try to escape what it is in himself he doesn't want to face. Make sure YOUR behavior gives him no excuses for HIS.

Ok Honey,
I know every time I post to you it appears to be full of doom and gloom...but honestly your husband really gets my knickers in twist !!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Please read loveherstill posts again..plan A is about you...<p>Set some limits as this guy continues to trample and plow you down...
movies??? only with the kids...meet him there...go home alone...make the "family fun"..make him see how much he stands to lose.<p>Dinners..yep...tell him to come on over you and the kids are making pizza...and while he's there have him pick up plates and bring them to the kitchen...it won't kill him...<p>And have him take the kids (no driving) while you go "out somewhere"...if he lived at home and was being decent he would be entitled to that type of info...<p>To many strings are attached to his actions with you...let him hang himself..<p>Honey I tell you again if he came back today..with no counseling, no self-responsibility, no consequences...then you are way worse off than you are with him...and I pray you would not take him in...<p>Don't emotionally react to his fog induced speeches...<p>YOU DESERVE BETTER...YOU DESERVE BASIC RESPECT...<p>Hey Honey...you got needs to...and I bet one is to feel better...and I think you're gonna feel better when you stop getting sucked into this guy's attempts at controlling you and making outrageous demands...the way he's going there will be no end..each week he will add a new "chore or item" for you to improve on, change or do...<p>Buck up Honey...you can do this..so many here will support you...go go go go go go go go!!!!<p>Peace to you and your home
ARK

Hi<p>Some helpful books to read...<p>WINNING YOUR HUSBAND BACK B4 ITS TOO LATE by Gary Smalley
and another...
HOW TO ENCOURAGE THE MAN IN YOUR LIFE by H Norman Wright<p>But I have to agree that it must be so hard to get by each day feeling so inadequate and like everything rests on your shoulders...if you change then he'll stay...been there...only thing is we can only do so much at a time. Be kind to yourself, set small goals that are easy to achieve relatively quickly. Its not fair is it, but we are responsible for our behaviour despite theirs. <p>Hope youre doing great today!<p>Dancer

Remember to the old saying "We want what we can't have!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ENOUGH SAID!

I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com. I hope this helps. DivorceBusting suggests doing a
180.<p>1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!<p>2. No frequent phone calls<p>3. Do not point out good points in marriage<p>4. Do not follow him around the house<p>5. Do not encourage talk about the future<p>6. Do not ask for help from family members<p>7. Do not ask for reassurances<p>8. Do not buy gifts<p>9. Do not schedule dates together<p>10. Do not spy on spouse<p>11. Do not say "I Love You"<p>12. Act as if you are moving on with your life<p>13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive<p>14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.<p>15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words<p>16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING<p>17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse<p>18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing<p>19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.<p>20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)<p>21. Never lose your cool<p>22. Don't be overly enthusiastic<p>23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)<p>24. Be patient<p>25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you<p>26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out<p>27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)<p>28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly<p>29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write<p>30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy<p>31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse<p>32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared<p>33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel<p>34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.<p>
Honey, if you want more details on how to do this, read "Divorce Busting" it will help your turn your self and your plan A around.

I love all the comments and feedback, thanks for the help! I really like the divorce busters 180 comments too! and yes,... he does want what he can't have it! <p>I was over there at his place last night and I left.... kind of earlier than he had planned- he obviously wanted more time with me... i sd.... I have to go get the kids from my parents... if you want to come over you can... he says bring them over here and spend the night... I say I'll think about it... thinking I should not... I get home... callhim and say sorry we are staying here... you are welcome to come over but it is sooo much more comfortable here... we are staying... you would be more comfor. here too.... then he starts the new excuse-<p>"you have a cat"- I got a cat since he left... and he claims to be allergi c to cats... he forgets he gave me one once when I was pregnant... I did not want that one much, and it eventually ran away as an outside cat... I was afraid of the cat suffocating my new baby... 1st time mom then... but he REALLY LOVED me back then... <p>SEE now.. he is allergic... to cats... and I even sd the cat can go in the garage... if it is that big of a deal. this cat has been declawed..<p>SEE... my house is clean now... I hired the maid... she did it, and now what I do adds to even more cleanlines... but now it is the CAT-<p>You are right , it will ocntinue to be one more thing! THat is so funny that it was sd above and just what HE DID... <p>ALso, tonight I have a sitter- and I told him when he was asking what we should do this weekend... I sd I have a sitter tonight... so if you want to do something let me know... if not, I will do something else.. he is actually making plans for us... when he was at home... I always made plans.. .so this is a new one too....<p>thanks, H

It appears that he may take the bait and pursue you if you show him some independence. Most men don't pursue whimpering women full of self pity. Even if it doesn't work out in the end, he will have helped you get your self-confidence back along the road. Most men also like a challenge when they are courting. Next time he wants to get hot and heavy, tell him no sex until you've decided where you want the relationship to go. He'll probably get upset, but I'll bet he'll be back shortly panting all over again.

You are right jamup, he does prefer self conf. and I always have been until THIS.... so I guess the answer is be ME again. Thanks, will practice this tonight.. it was also good not to stay there last night... too bad for H... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] IT felt great to say NO.<p>H