I still struggle with her look when we are out together. I sometimes wonder if I am a total recluse and not at all in touch with societies norms?! For example, with her low rise pants and tops that just come down to meet the tops of her pants, when she sits down it creates a gap of about 4 to 5 inches of her upper hips and lower back, and it is very obviously exposed. Last week we were at the furniture store and sit down to write up an order. Anyone walking by will obviously notice this. Two days ago we are at place to get a title transfer notarized – same thing --- I know I don’t get out much, but this seems a bit much to me – it makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable – specifically, I have a sense that there are lots of guys that when seeing this are going to get a distinct impression that she is very sexual and open to advancements??? Have I become a total chauvinists here? Is this kind of exposure a natural thing for the typical women of 49 ??? When a women dresses this way don’t you think a lots of horny guys (not all guys!) will naturally assume that the women is seeking attention & therefore, isn’t it only natural for the guys to show her that attention?? To me, it is a definite very close to a “Britney Spears look.” Am I to accept this as a norm?! How do I protect myself from these feelings??<p>I am definately a slow learner here. Thanks for your patience!<p>Peace to all,
HH<p>[ March 07, 2002: Message edited by: Hurrian

Well, okay ... HH, I know you've struggled with this "LQQK" of your wife's for some time now. And obviously she isn't going to change her style, at least for now. <p>And I know you've tried almost everything to manage your feelings regarding it being a come-on for other males, very attention seeking it would seem.<p>So, what is that saying? What's good for the Goose ....<p>Yep ... I'm gonna say it, drive your fine self to the Gap and buy some nice duds. What could it hurt?<p>If not that, then maybe try this. Take your wife out to eat as often as the opportunity presents itself. And make sure that they're all VERY fattening meals .... spare no expense, lots of pasta, sauces, desserts, appetizers, food she cannot resist ... you get my drift? A ummmm "HEALTHY" looking female wouldn't be able to wear Brit's stuff, if ya know what I mean.<p>Jo<p>[ March 07, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Yeah, but she will still wear those clothes...you know how you see those women who shouldn't be wearing halters and exposing their fat? Well, that could be her one day! Not a good idea! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I don't think she would continue if she got heafty. From what I hear from HH, his W is built like a brick house, and she prides herself on the fact she is so cutt.<p>I think it would work. <p>Jo

Plus, I think if HH is meeting at least her 2 top ENs whilst he is feeding her cake (pun intended), she could eventually get tired of batteling the bulge. <p>IMHO, it's worth a try.<p>Jo<p>[ March 07, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

I may get some flack about this...but if I had the body ...I'd be wearing the duds and strutting my stuff...LOL..especially at 49...<p>not meaning to make light of HH's concerns...this just tickled me<p>
Peace!

Jo & Shannon1
This I have tried! - pop corn every night -- pizza, -- I became aware of another problem that cropped to me at least, just before Thanksgiving. She vomitts -- she satrves herselve all day many times, binges, then vomitts.
She has this worked out to a science, so she thinks -- said she would go to doctor and discuss, but she has this rationalized as well. Says she can stop it before she vomitts too much. Says she drinks lots of water so chemicals don't ruin her teeth and throat -- waites a good while so it is softer -- she must have read up on best technics for bulima? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
She might pull back if she put on more weight -- she lost 30 + pounds in year 2000 -- when the A's begun -- she was not as flambouant before.
Docgirl, No offense taken! I understand that for women with an elevated labido (& my DW qualifies big time here!) a guys glance (or gals seductive charm as well!), is like to many guys loking at porn magazine -- it creates a charge.
When we go out, it is many times not even close to being conceeled the way some guys check her out and I can guarantee she knows it! When we go into a store or what ever, she is scanning the place and she is quite coy, but I feel she is totally aware of the guys around.
She will typically go hours w/o having to urinate, but we can go out & she'll potty before we leave, but I'll guarantee after we're there for a while, she is up and strutting to the restroom.
This is like a game for her.
Oh well, just another day in the jungle! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
HH

Okay .. now we're getting to some interesting stuff. I didn't know she was Bulimic. Not good, HH. AND .. she is in denial about it too.<p>She has more severe problems than just marital or an MLC, HH. I hope you realize this ... ???<p>Your wife needs to seek professional help ... Bulimia is not an issue for non-professionals.<p>Jo<p>[ March 07, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Jo,
Yes, she is one sick person.
I counted this summer in one dresser, she had 100 tops. We were having a moving sale and she has some of her coletables for sale, like Boyd Bears, many people commented or asked if we owned a store.
She sold about $2,000 worth of different stuff -- she has collected some antiques and around 90 pieces of McCoy pottery. We were getting renters insurance & she estimate her collectables to worth around $7,000.
And she racks me over the coals when I spend $6 for lunch or that I have lunch every day. Another time she blew up becasue I spent $3 for a box of crackers. A few years ago she bought a couch & love seat w/o telling me.
Up until this last year she worked an average of 20 hours a week and took off around 5 to 6 weeks of work for travel by herself to her parents, cousins, our daughter's ECT.
And she gets depressed and complains that I don't make enough money and I feel I should get an award for all the shXt I put up with and she trys to make me feel like I have nerve to speak up and take a stand on issues.
Oh well, thanks for opportunity to vent!
Oh, BTW, she forgot to tell her C about the vomitting until I discovered it -- she has not seen this guy much lately.
And do you think she told him much about all her sexual expoits? I don't think so! it would ruin her yuppie, poor me imagine.
I was not allowed to talk to counselor much -- client confidentiality thing. It was big point that what ever he learned he learned it from her. This is convenient isn't it.
I don't think she needs to be going to a guy C anyway, so I'm not going to pursue anything more with this guy.
Thanks for your support!
HH
HH

HH,<p>My SIL had told me that females that are pre peri-menopausal have an enormous surge of hormone activity (testosterone I believe). This happens approximately 1-2 years pre-menopause and it significantly affects their sex drive. <p>It's like the last HOORAW before normal female hormone activity starts to whined down (peri-menopause).<p>I'm not in the medical profession or anything, but this certainly sounds like your wife's behavior. The good news is, she will eventually stabilize .... well, that is, AFTER she AND YOU (lol) get thru menopause.<p>But regardless, the Bulimia is a huge concern and is an addiction in of itself. GET HER HELP ASAP!<p>Jo

Hurrian ~ It does sound like your wife needs serious professional help. Her affairs, her manner of dress and her eating disorder are symptoms of a much deeper problem.<p>I have a problem with compulsive eating and I struggle with weight. I have yet to become bulemic, but its my understanding that if I don't deal with my issues that lead to my binges, that one day I'll probably be bulemic too.<p>So, for me, and for my H, I'm embarking on some serious work on whats going on with me, with the guide of my Al-Anon sponsor - because it hurts too much to continue on this path any longer. I'd like to be free of the weight of this problem.<p>Unfortunately you can't force your wife to reach a bottom and get help - it will have to happen on her timeline [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I am reading an absolutely fantastic book right now that might also give you some insight into your wife's problems. One day when she is ready to ask for help, you might want to give it her. But for now, read it for yourself.<p>Its called: It's Not About Food - there's 17 pages on Amazon if you want to glance at it. <p>In my personal discoveries...I'm finding that swallowing food = swallowing anger. This book talks about physical hunger = emotional hunger, and alot about self-hatred and self-punishment and control thru eating, not eating, and purging.<p>And I'd just like to say one more thing - I know her manner of dress hurts you and upsets you. But I don't think its about YOU at all. It isn't a rejection of your love - its about her own self rejection.<p>Unfortunatley I don't have any quick fix answers for you, or any fix answers at all. I think you are going to have to Plan A by learning to lovingly detach from her problems.

Jo,
Thanks!
yea, SA -shoping copulsion & eating disorder -- all intertwinned -- she's trying to fill some big gaps-
Where to begin? Family Health clinic kind of thing.
It's like I am rnning in cirlcles -- I know she has not been forth right with facts with her other C -- she is quite expert at manipulation.
Her boss is one she confides in a lot & her boss has strong spiritual, Christian values. Her boss specifcally asks her if she was omitting & my DW told her no & my DW has asked me not to tell her boss or her parents or our kids -- she wants me to share her little secret.
I told my best friend who knows all about everything with us & it made sense to him -- he said she does not jog and she eats like a trucker!
Her boss invited her to a study group oneating disorders with a strong scriptuarl base. My DW politley declined -- told me she was going to do it when we got through this move and all --
I would like to find a counselor that has experience with SA -- most do not & they tend to not consider this. But I am always told, the addict has to seek a solution -- For heaven sakes do you really think I could suggest this -- well I have -- she'll comebackthat I drink too much or what ever -- I do have issues as well -- I could knockher out and tie her up and through her into the trunk and haul to a half-way house or something like that --??? <p>I welcome any and all suggestions.
Love & peace,
HH

Jo,
Thanks!
I am flipping out here -- not really.
Iforgot to repsond to your point about premenapuse -- our friends (two couples) go with this theray as well -- I have read alot about menapause & most reference do not discuss this, but I understand that with the decrease in estrogen, other male hormones become more dominant. Her last vist to GYNO showed her estrogen levels were normal. This was new person & she said she did not relate well & therefore did not go into into her issues -- like she was to get STDtests! This was on agenda when I sent her away last January -- hmmm, since I took her back it never happened.
Bramble, thanks for your share!
I go to a S-anon meeting and it has helped -- I havenot been in a few weeks & this may explain my flare ups here!
Thanks for reminding me about the fact that her dress are not about me!!
This de-taching thing is something is something I work on, but I don't have it down -- could you elaborate just a bit?
Thanks so much!
Love & peace,
HH<p>[ March 07, 2002: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>

HH,<p>After reading Rosie's post to you, I see that the "addict" has to WANT help before they'll accept or seek it. You cannot make her WANT the help, it's her deal. <p>I'm not at all familiar with Bulimia, or any other chemical or behavioral addiction (baring affairs), only what I've seen on TV, that's why I suggested a professional.<p>I'm sorry you're hurt by the things she does, it really is her problem, and I would venture to guess all of them (symptoms) are tied or related somehow to one specific root cause.<p>I'll keep her and you in my prayers, HH.<p>Jo

Add my 2 cents to this. I think a 49 year old woman in low riders is wrong. I am 43 and I work my tail off to stay in shape and I am. Weighing in at 120 pounds at 5'7 in a size 3 or 5, I wouldnt dream of putting on those teeny bopper clothes. Maybe the issue is self esteem? Or maybe she just likes attention? Maybe she doesn't realize how foolish she may look to some others? My sister went for the Britney look and stopped soon after being laughed at by teenage girls in the mall.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by J-C:
<strong>Add my 2 cents to this. I think a 49 year old woman in low riders is wrong. I am 43 and I work my tail off to stay in shape and I am. Weighing in at 120 pounds at 5'7 in a size 3 or 5, I wouldnt dream of putting on those teeny bopper clothes. Maybe the issue is self esteem? Or maybe she just likes attention? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>J-C,
Thanks for your input -- It is good to know that I'm not totally nuts or out of it!
She has issues all right & many deal with self esteem I'm sure. This is tough though, like my best friend who knows my DW well, just does not see that -- in public she acts with lots of poise & is dominent in conversations and the like -- I know this has nothing to with it and it matters not what others think actually.
She has gone to a fair amount of counseling in the last year, but i don't think she has been totaly honest with C, or with pastor or with Doctors -- she is a very convincing story teller & she can spin a tale to suit her needs witha lot of conviction and emotion & believeability.
Peace,
HH

HH,
How about JC's comments about a 40ish woman getting laughed at in the mall while trying to look like... [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] well, who knows what she was trying...<p>Do you remember another response a while back about a similar "teenage wannabe" who passed 2 teenage boys at Target in her low rise pants and thong? As they passed her, they burst out laughing. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sadly, your W is looking for attention in all the wrong places... [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I will keep praying for both of you, this is not an easy one...

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Ladysing58:
<strong>HH,<p>I will keep praying for both of you, this is not an easy one...</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Ladysing,
Thank you very much!
HH