Is there some way I can make my H understand about triggers? He seems completely clueless as to what they do to me and then he gets angry if I get upset. For example tonight he was eating dinner and I could see something in his pocket - white dress shirt. I asked what it was and he said oh yeah calling cards a friend gave them to me. I said ok and I left the room. He came to where I was and asked what was wrong and I told him. He threw the cards at me and said stick them up your @ss, I don't know how to make him understand what this does to me. Help!

I keep my triggers to myself so as not to give my H a chance to treat me like that. If and when he decides to help with recovery, that is when you can let him into that part of your world. Otherwise, it's just a big LB for both of you. You obviously cannot "make" him understand. He doesn't want to understand right now. He's too busy concentrating on his discomfort to help you with yours.<p>That's one of the reasons why I come here--to get what my H is not willing to give me right now: An understanding ear and shoulder to cry on.<p>My decision was to stop exposing my pain to someone who had no empathy for it and refused to respond appropriately to it.

I know I can't 'make' him. Poor choice of words. I guess what I'm asking is what does it take for them to understand?<p>I wish I could learn not to react when he sets off triggers but I'm an emotional person and not very good at pretending. He says he wants this to work and he's willing to try but he won't do anything that will take us to where we need to be. I have a feeling I could Plan A until hell freezes and he still won't give me what I need [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

My, my, my.... I don't see how you could have stuck them up your @$$ when HE seemed to be the only [censored] in the room on that day!<p>Are you okay? What a way to act like a jerk. I sincerely hope he apologized to you.<p>Next time, just go shut yourself in the bathroom and cry, say a prayer, ask God to strengthen you, and THEN come out after you pull it together. Never let this person see you cry ever EVER again. Obviously your tears mean nothing to him, but you know what? God keeps account of every single tear we shed. Is that amazing or what? Go to the Source of all comfort at difficult times like these. He will help you AND give you creative ideas on how to help your husband with whatever is hurting him. He IS hurting, ya know? Hurting people hurt people. (Anger is a by-product of undealt-with hurt...) Be strong in the Lord, TD, I believe that is where you will truly find the comfort you're going to need.

Tiny,<p>I, too, am naturally very sensitive and emotional, and I didn't get it under control overnight. It took lots of practice and lots of help from my H acting like yours is. The more he revealed his lack of compassion and concern, the more I was able to keep it to myself and in "safe" places like this board. The more I saw his inappropriate reactions to my grief (which just gave me MORE pain), the more determined I became not to expose my pain around him.<p>With practice, you can learn how to gracefully exit without letting on that you're going somewhere to cry and/or rage. I have excused myself to "run to the store" so I could be alone in the parking lot and call a friend and let it all out and get the support and strength I needed to go back home. I also use the shower with great effectiveness. The noise from the shower and the ceiling vent covers up the crying, plus it's soothing and relaxing.<p>You get the determination first, then with practice, you'll find yourself losing it in his presence less and less, and you'll definitely start to feel better once the salt is not being poured into your wounds.<p>[ March 08, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>