I'm 33 years old and am currently in my first marriage. I married my highschool sweetheart. He and I broke up in highschool and he went into the military and married another woman. They had two little boys. They had difficulties in their marriage and the boys mother took off with another man. My husband has custody of the boys. I ran into him again 9 years after highschool and he was just going through his divorce. The boys were 1 1/2 and 3 years old. He and I began dating and were married a year later in 1995. I immediately took the boys into my heart and have been raising them as my very own. They accept me as "mom" although they do still see their natural mother. Sounds all well and good right? Wrong. About 3 years ago, my husband cheated with an 18-year-old girl and he says it was only 2 quick times. Although my immediate instinct was to walk out and never look back, my heart couldn't let me do that. Not only for the boys but him as well. I still loved him very much. Well, we entered marriage counseling and things seemed to be picking up. During our counseling, he had an on again/off again 6 month fling with a girl who was my friend. I found out after she moved away. Things began going downhill mainly because of finances and the responsibility of buying and owning a new home. The stress levels were high and we were always arguing. He went away to train for a new job for 3 weeks, during which time he met up with a girl online and stated that he wanted a separation from me to be with her. That went sour when he came back home to me after training. He asked for another chance in our marriage and I agreed to it. But, I had already began talking with another man who was giving me the emotional support and all the things I lacked with my husband. I took a trip to meet this man and things got way out of control. He and I began a long distance relationship seeing each other when we could. When I told my husband I thought I loved this other man, he got online and searched out someone else to be with. He met a woman and they decided to see each other only for "physical fun". My relationship with this man was very volatile and I ended it within less than 4 months. I had only seen him approximately 7 times because of the distance. The last time I went to see this man, I became pregnant. It was a very emotional time for me and all I wanted was my family back together. I knew I had made a terrible mistake and asked my husband to come back to me. Knowing I was pregnant, he agreed to and said we would work things out. I lost the baby only 10 weeks into the pregnancy and have not spoken to the other man again. Over the next year and a half, he never stopped seeing the other woman. She calls my home, he goes to visit her at least once a month (she lives 1 1/2 hours away), and he says that they both love each other and he doesn't think he can ever forgive what I did. He says he made a mistake coming back to me when I asked him to. He has been cruel, hostile, and says that he wants her. Yet, he says he also still loves me and did not get married a second time to see it fail. Yet he is torn....because she calls him and sends him emails saying how much she loves and misses him and wants him. Our sons are 10 and 12 now and want nothing to do with her or having another "mother figure" in their lives. She claims she does not want to be a mother to them, hopefully a friend. My thoughts are that they have enough friends, these boys are very emotionally unstable and need a mom. My problem here is this.....do I stay and fight for my marriage and family.....or do I just walk away now on the chance that he will choose to be with her anyway. He says he is very torn and he is being pulled both ways. We are all in counseling right now to take care of individual problems from our pasts and our problems presently. She is still in the picture -- wanting him. I feel as if I stay, I'm going to get crushed in the end...but I can't help not wanting to give up hope that we can repair this damage. I've seen worse marriages come back from dead to alive again....in the meantime, I have a hard time doing everyday functions and coping. Any ideas or advice? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>[ March 07, 2002: Message edited by: angelsendslove ] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 07, 2002: Message edited by: angelsendslove ]</p>

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My problem here is this.....do I stay and fight for my marriage and family.....or do I just walk away now on the chance that he will choose to be with her anyway. He says he is very torn and he is being pulled both ways. We are all in counseling right now to take care of individual problems from our pasts and our problems presently. She is still in the picture -- wanting him. I feel as if I stay, I'm going to get crushed in the end...but I can't help not wanting to give up hope that we can repair this damage. I've seen worse marriages come back from dead to alive again....in the meantime, I have a hard time doing everyday functions and coping. Any ideas or advice?
<hr></blockquote><p>I beleive that you should give it your best shot and if it doesn't work out, then you can move on without beign haunted with questions about 'what if I had done this or that?'<p>You must understand that you can not force your husband to do what he doesn't want to do. He has to WANT to save his family and marriage just as much as you do.<p>As much as it is painful to even think about it, you must start getting prepared for the possibility that your marriage may not be salvageable.<p>It seems like your husband is a sex addict and now he is in an emotional affair turned physical affair, very much like like the one you had just recently in which you got pregnant. Your affair did nothing but complicate an already complicated situation and that it is the one reason why betrayed spouses are discouraged from starting affairs of their own. In the end they make matters worse.<p>I think you should talk to your counselor and ask if her/him if setting a time limit (one year maybe) for your marriage to start turning around is a good idea. I say this because by doing so you would be able to work on your marriage, even without your husband's help, and if there is no change from him after the agreed period of that period of time , then you can proceed to divorce him. But ask the your counselor first about this idea before deciding for or against it. I would also suggest buying the books 'surviving an affair' 'love busters' 'his needs, her needs' for guidance and inspiration.<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Joe<p>[ March 07, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

It would seem that you have many, many things to deal with indeed. But that doesn't mean that you need to feel powerless or hopeless. MB is about empowerment. Read about Plan A / B, love busters, the love bank, and anything else you can find here. Get yourself "Surviving an Affair" and/or "His Needs, Her Needs". Basically, you need to formulate a Plan to get YOU better. You can't control your husband, accept that right now. But you can control YOU. A great place to start is Plan A.<p>There's other folks who have links to good postings in their sig blocks... look for them (geeze, I should add some to mine [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )

It sounds kind of unfair for your husband to be so hard on you when he hasn't exactly been the most faithful guy on the block. There seems to be a ton of unresolved issues, and since he was messing around while you were in counseling I doubt you got very much accomplished.<p>I think you have a shot at getting things worked out. But you both need to give it 110%, that means getting the other gal out of the picture. <p>You have raised those children as your own, and they probably think of you as their real mom, even though they have a biological mother. <p>Read in this site about plan A & B. Get the book Surviving an Affair, and sit down with him and see if he will agree to one last huge effort at repairing the marriage. If he truly loves the OW and she him, what does he have to loose. You guys can get some serious counseling without outside interference, and if she bails he will see how much she really doesn't love him. <p>You'll find some really smart people here who have been round the block and back, except me, I'm not really the best example. Anyway, read around this site, and keep us updated.<p>Elizabeth