Well, here I go again, wondering why I set myself up to be hurt like this, over and over. <p>I was supposed to go back to the house today and help D with some homework. W asked if I would stay the night so she could go over to MIL's house for the night because she 'needed some space' to think.<p>We talked for a while and W told me some things that make me think Plan B might really be my best option.<p>1. She is still seeing OM, even after the weekend incident, even told me that they have gone out for lunch everyday this week.
2. Says that they did indeed have plans to marry and were talking about how he was going to raise my kids.
3. The only reason OM is not leaving his wife is because he does not want to loose his kids or have to face family humiliation. Apparently he loves W, but is too spineless to leave his W.
4. W feels that the A is justified and acceptable, even gave me a list of reasons why it is OK.
5. Still has such a strong connection to him, believes that it is destiny that they found each other.
6. While S was in the hospital, she went out with OM for emotional support while I stayed with S. She has also allowed OM to stay in the house, basically stating that it is his place now since they consider themselves H and M.
7. Since he told his W that he chose WS as his soulmate, his love for her is true and never ending.
8. The love they feel is genuine, its not the lustful love everyone says that is involved with an A. No one understand how they feel.<p>So here I am at what once was my home. W told me she was going out with a friend but would be in early. Well, its after 10, she has had the cell phone turned off all night (never did that before) and has not answered the phone at MIL's house. I asked her to call me tonight so we could figure out when she would be home in the morning so I can get to work on time. But, once again, I feel she has used me and is treating me with obvious disrepect.<p>But, what is the hardest thing about tonight was listening to all 4 kids crying about how they feel abandonded by W. Oldest D says she isnt a mother anymore, just a visitor in the house. They all said she spends more time going out, talking on the phone, and wanting to be left alone. All the kids have lost respect for her and I dont think they really care about her much anymore.<p>I think that this is it, I do not want to take anymore of this. W has made her choice, now it is time to make mine. I dont think I will go to a full-blown Plan B mode yet, but I will make it clear to W that I will no longer allow myself to be treated with so much disrepect.<p>As long as she continues this relationship with OM, I do not want anything to do with her. I've been fighting this decision for quite a while, now I feel that it is time to act.<p>[ March 08, 2002: Message edited by: loveherstill ]</p>

Just wanted to add a few more things that I realized this morning.<p>1- I have accepted the fact that this M may never work out. I dont know when this happened, but I realize that I am ok with it. I am ok being who I am now, I am ok being a divorced dad.
2. Janice Joplin once wrote "Freedom is another word for nothing left to loose". That is exactly where I am, I have lost everything I held dear to me. So, with nothing left, I believe that I am truly free, free from the pain that WS has brought on me, free from the knowledge that she shares herself with OM, free of everything terrible that this A has brought to me and my family. I allowed W her freedom to do what she felt she needed to do, so now I am alowing myself the freedom to do what I feel I need to do.
3. If (which I think it is coming real soon), I go to Plan B, I will be at peace with that decision and wont really look back and regret it.
4. I have been an enabler (a co-dependent if you will). I have stood by and done things that only encouraged the A to continue. I think that basically I told W that it was ok to continue on, that I endorsed the A.<p>No, no more, it is time for me to regain my life, dignity, respect and everything else that is important to me. I am glad that I can walk away from this knowing that I did do my very best, I tried with all my might, and that I still do love my wife so very much. Yes, I do still love her, but I dont like the person she has become.<p>I will try and work on a Plan B letter over the weekend, probably take BrokenHearted' sletter as an example.<p>You know, this morning, I really do feel good about myself, I feel a real sense of peace.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by loveherstill:
<strong><p>You know, this morning, I really do feel good about myself, I feel a real sense of peace.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>lhs,<p>This is the best thing I've ever heard you say. I can relate to the inner struggle you've been going through. It's not selfish to look after yourself. I'm an enabler also. It's still going to be hard to change that behavior but you've acknowledged it. That's the first step.<p>who

Thanx WHO<p>W called this morning and I told her that I am done being hurt, told her not to call me anymore that unless there are issues involing the kids, the separation agreement or finances. Anything else she has to say, it told her to simply email me. W just replied 'fine'<p>It's done, I'm done, I'M FREE! I really am looking forwad to rebuilding my life without all this crap hanging over me. Yes, its going to be hard and I am sure I will slip from time to time, but I know I can do it.<p>I will follow up on the phone call with a formal Plan B letter, tht way W will know exactly where I stand and what I expect from her and myself.<p>[ March 08, 2002: Message edited by: loveherstill ]</p>

Y'all are probably getting weary of my posts, but I wanted to add some more personal observations, maybe they will help someone else out as well.<p>First, I have been looking at W as a victim in all of this, that it wasn't her fault the A happened, that the OM used her and she was just too weak to defend herself against him. I did not want to admit that the woman I love was capable of such an act, and would continue to do such a thing. Yes, I was in denial, I was hiding the truth from myself, I was ignoring the elephant in the living room so to speak. <p>But I now know this is not the case at all. W entered the A on her own free will and has continued it knowing it is wrong and the consequences of what it brings. Yes, she probably is still in the fog, but she also fully understands what she is doing. W does not want to give up her lover. W is a fence-sitter, a cake-eater. She wants exactly what OM wants, a lover on the side and a spouse who will sit by and allow the A to continue. And why not? It's the best of both worlds.<p>Second, I am an enabler. I see so many similarities between what I am doing and what my mom did while my dad was in the darkest days of his alcoholism. My mom would do whatever it took to keep the peace, to cover-up my dads drinking, to deny that he had a problem. I think all it did was to say to my dad "its ok, continue what you are doing, I will support you regardless of how much pain you inflict on us" This is what I have done, and like my mom, I have lost all self-respect, all dignity, everything that really makes a person emotionally healthy. And what have I to show for this? absolutely nothing. After years of self-torture, my mom finally told my dad he had to make a choice, and he did. They worked real hard to make things right and in the end, I think they did achieve a great deal of success in their marriage.<p>When W came home today, I told her that I was through with this way of life, I have nothing left to offer her. I told her that I do not consider the M to be over, but that I will not allow myself to be hurt by this blatant lack of respect that she shows me. I then told her that I will accept nothing less than her promise to end all contact with OM and a 100% commitment to working on us and the M. She really said nothing, but I did notice that she was holding a copy of SAA. Interesting?<p>It really hurt me to say those things, but the words came so easily, it just felt right. As a lot of you know, I really have been struggling with this decision, going back and forth, trying desperately to hang on to any thread of hope that might be left. Even as early as this week, I thought that things would be turning around, but after last night, I know that isnt the case, W will continue to choose Om above everything else, even the happiness of her children. It feels good to know that I have broken away from all the pain I have had to endure, but it feels even better knowing that I still love my wife with all my heart and soul and I didn't let the situation get to the point where all I felt for her was hatred.
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LoveHerStill,
wow, this all sounds very familiar. I just ended my post in the Recovey forum as WS decide to go back to OM for the third time. I, like you, have been clinging to the slightest bit of hope, I don't want this for my children, I don't want this for me, I love my wife with all my heart but there is nothing left for me to do, my WS, as yours, continues to chose OM over her family. You list sounded very familiar, I get the same thing - ie soul mates, plans to marry, etc. I have no choice but to go to Plan B, I would be very intersted in your Plan B letter or the reference that you made to someone else sample Plan B if you don't mind sharing, I am looking for ideas and we sound like unfortunately we have similiar situations. This is the hardest thing I had to do in my life, the pain is go great, i don't want to lose her but there really is no choice.
Good luck to you,
Dave

LHS,<p>I have a few suggestions. I don't know what your separation agreement is, but I think you need to focus on your children. You mentioned your oldest D not liking what you W is doing and the others feeling neglected.<p>Are you in a position to file for custody of the children?? It seems to me that you will make a much better father to them, than your W will make a mother to them. Further, depending on the age of your oldest she may have a choice as to where she lives.<p>I don't mention this out of revenge, but out of concern for your children. If she is ignoring as you say, and treating them as you say, they would be better off with you and in daycare during the day. My bet that if you two divorce they will be in daycare anyway. As your W will have to go to work.<p>Please think about this. Your children need to have at least one parent with their head screwed on right and you are THE ONE.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

A HUGE ditto to JL. He beat me to it.<p>lhs, take it from someone who lost a child. Make them your priority - even over yourself. If your oldest D is saying things critical of your W, good. Don't YOU plant those seeds, but don't try to stifle those words either. Your W needs to hear them.<p>Do pursue custody. It'll be expensive, perhaps, but perhaps your W will fold or maybe wake up with the prospect of losing her kids. Either way they're better off and so are you.<p>Maybe you should consider doing this even before starting Plan B. Plan B can lessen your interaction with your kids abd that's the one thing they don't need right now.

I third JL on the custody issue, and I'm a stay-at-home mom. I think the children would be better cared for by an involved father than an emotionally unavailable, self-absorbed mother.<p>I know your feeling of finality being tied in to the kids. That's when I knew there was no reason to hang on any longer. Up to that point I had spent a lot of time and energy trying to find out the truth regarding my suspicions about his infidelity. When he walked out and left me and the kids with an overdrawn bank account while he had over $300 in his wallet (claiming he had no money to leave with me), it hit me full in the face that the infidelity was the least of it, and I no longer cared whether my suspicions were true or not.<p>Not caring about me and my well-being was one thing, but when it was clear that the children's well-being was not even a priority, I knew there was no point in pursuing the M any further. I realized he was more gone than I had even imagined. I let go completely and went to the attorney the next day.<p>Five days later, he did a 180 and wanted to come home and save the M.