I recently had a 6 month affair ended when the OW husband found out. 2 weeks later the OW told my wife in an hour long phone call (2 days ago). My world is destroyed (as is my wifes) We have 2 small children and I want my family, marriage, kids back. I want to make it right. My wife is understandably devistated, angry...etc...you can all just imagine. I have been in contact with a counsler and have an appt. on Tuesday. I don't know what else to do. I am prepared to do whatever my wife wants but I don't think she is mentally their yet. Advice on how to proceed? btw...it is over with the other woman. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

So in other words what you mean is that the A would not have ended if the OW's H had not discovered it? Weak... And the fact that your wife did not hear about it from you? Another blow directly to her gut...<p>I know you already have thought this but now is not the time to be considering what you really want in life AFTER you've gone and reshaped your marriage forever! It will never be the same as it was before--it's like losing a leg--the trust factor. You have to find ways to constantly reassure your wife. When you tell her you love her, it might not mean a thing because she will be wondering IF you loved me, how could you? Nevertheless, many have recovered, but there are LOTS of circumstances that will trigger a betrayed spouse into severe depression so be prepared to deal with much sadness and devastation on your wife's part.<p>Keep reading! Keep posting! Stop LYING! Answer your wife's questions as open and honestly as possible and as often as necessary! READ Harley's concepts and articles and Q&A columns on this site. Maybe even call for some phone counseling as they can give you specialized advice and help you work out a PLAN to recover your marriage. Good luck!<p>Coping with Infidelity: Recovering the Marital Relationship by Dr.Harley<p>[ March 08, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

Perhaps it is just a poor choice of words, but you are not going to fix your marriage, it is gone, irrevocably gone....but you can recover, and build a new marriage....nor can you do anything about your wifes feelings, you have a couple of "jobs"...first is to tell her all the truth that SHE asks for, do not dump all your stuff on her, just be willing to be honest. Second is you have a lot of introspection to do, you need to uncover why you left your marriage and communicate that to your wife, along with what changes you need to make so this does not happen again....likewise you both have to be honest and realistic about how the marriage failed, and what can be done about that (assuming BOTH of you want to have a new marriage). Your w too has work to do, she has to figure out who she is, and what she wants, and her role in the marital failure...NOT the affair, that was all you, but (unless you have a personality disorder, which is a much more serious issue) she did contribute to the marital conditions that contributed to your decision to leave (via affair). Anyways this is all a lot of work, many people here have useful insight and understanding, I am a wsh myself. But you need to have professional counselling, do NOT try to wing this, or make abject apoligies and sweep it all under the rug....won't work in the long run. <p>This is a major train wreck for you both, and healing will take a lot of work and a very long time, so be prepared to settle in for the long haul, and a lot of pain. Read the materials, especially the stuff dealing with discovery, and what to do initially.... your first job is to start applying the extraordinary rules of protection...basically opening everything in your life to your wife, phones, email, wallet, she can "check" up on you, call you, etc. whenever she wants, and you will do nothing but smile, and reassure her is absolutely ok to do so, along with accounting for every minute of your time.<p>You can suggest she come here too, lots to learn, but do not try to educate her, or manage this, she has to do it on her own (as do you). You might start by telling more of your story, how your marriage has been, how the affair started and proceeded, and most of all why you did not tell your wife the truth when it ended, did you plan to keep this lie the rest of your life? It is a very bad thing to have an affair, worse that spouse has to uncover on their own and confront you, but the absolute worse is when the spouse has to find out from someone else, you have a lot to answer for, but you are in the right place, good luck.

Sir, I have been in your wife's shoes very recently. Let me tell you somethings my hubby has done right since his A.
1st: Realize it is up to her to decide whether or not to keep the marriage alive. You can not make that decision for her. Don't even try. If she can't handle this, tell her you understand why, and you love her, and you'll be waiting on her should she decide to return. If she walks out now, she'll probably reconsider at a later time and want to come back if your attitude is right and the marriage has been a good one up to this point. Understand HER pain.
2nd: Tell her over and over and over and over "I love you." I also needed to hear that I was sexually attractive for my hubby. So he told me and showed me over and over "I want you." He also said over and over "I'm sorry." Saying any of these just once is not enough. When he said "I'm sorry" he got down on his knees and cried his eyes out. He wanted me to hit him, punish him (I wouldn't), so he even struck himself a few times. (I'm not saying this is necessary, it just shows how sorry he really was.) Once when I mentioned leaving, he got so upset he vomited. Through these incidents, I could see his remorse and desire to keep it together.
3rd: Let her know where you are and what you are doing and going to do EVERY hour that you are apart. We got cell phones so that I could call and check if I got nervous, and so that he could report to me throughout the day. It's like having to check in with your parents when you were in junior high.
4th: Think of her. Buy her flowers and right a sweet note to go with it. When they die, buy her more. Write a letter to her telling her why you love her and want to stay with her. Lay it on her pillow with a rose. Prepare her a bubble bath, and send her in to enjoy it - all those romantic things that tell her "YOU are on my mind." My hubby even bought me a new 2 1/3 carat diamond wedding ring because he said the old ring had been violated.
5th: Set aside lots of "US" time. If you have kids, arrange a sitter and take your wife out on dates. At first we went out 3 to 4 times a week while his mother kept our kids. He arranged babysitting. He did not expect me to. Every time he needed to go somewhere, he would invite me. Invite HER!!! Even if she decides not to accompany you to your eye doctor appointment etc., invite her!!!
6th: Expect many tears. HOLD HER!! When she cries, just hold her, and whisper I love you in her ears. LISTEN TO HER, ANSWER HER QUESTIONS HONESTLY. Also explain to her that you are trying to remember things correctly, but at a later time something might trigger a memory that you had otherwise forgotten. (I'm still finding out small misc. details about Hubby's A).
7th: PRAY. Pray together. Pray apart. Just Pray. Let her hear you tell God the desires of your heart. The sorrow in your heart. ETC. Hearing your spouse say these things to a Higher Being has a tremendous impact.
I hope some of this will help you. I'm not going to berate you on the wrongness of what you've done. You already know that. I'll be praying for both of you. God Bless.<p>[ March 08, 2002: Message edited by: jamup ]</p>

kudos to YOU for coming here and searching for answers and support!! There's plenty of answers here... many you have to dig and find yourself. Much of the support and advice you get from us will be straight-forward... stuff you need to hear and do.<p>Read as much as you can. Be patient with your W. She IS devastated. Read the recent threads by mmseekingadvice - on page 1 and 2 of this forum. THere is GREAT advice to him on those threads. Do a search on Trueheart as well. He was a recovered WS that posted on here for quite a while.<p>Be patient with your W. Stay positive. Begin Plan A IMMEDIATELY (meeting as many EN's as she'll let you, work on YOURSELF, learn and avoid LB's).<p>Keep posting!

Ditto everything everyone else before me has said, and I would add to get Dr. Harley's book, Surviving An Affair, and start today with the Extraordinary Precautions everyone has mentioned. They are outlined step by step in Chapter 5.<p>It is a drawback that you did not end the A by your own volition without being exposed and did not reveal it to your W yourself and that she was told by the OW of all people. These matters add to the violation of the A itself and are extremely serious big deals in the eyes of a BS, as is everything you do from D-day (discovery day) forward. My H did more damage with his lies AFTER D-day than before, so be VERY mindful of this if you want to keep any hope alive.<p>Your best course is to be aware of these violations and DEMONSTRATE by your actions that you understanding how wrong ALL of the above was. You don't only have to apologize and take responsibility for the A itself, but also for not ending it and for not telling her about it yourself. She will need to see that you have insight into every single way you violated and betrayed her.<p>The good news is that listening to your W and the BS here at MB will help give you that insight. The more you can get behind the eyes of the BS and see it from the perspective of the betrayed and convey that understanding to your W, the more secure and hopeful she will feel.<p>And you cannot go wrong if you go completely by the book (SAA) and following each step to the letter. It is an excellent toolbox with all the tools you need to rebuild your M.<p>I won't disagree with Jamup about the ILYs (I Love Yous), but your primary focus should be on your ACTIONS that demonstrate and convey that (the extraordinary precautions from SAA). Without that, the ILYs will be meaningless at best and offensive at worst.<p>A helpful book for understanding the process the BS goes through is Torn Asunder by Dave Carder.<p>You sound very motivated, and as long as you put that motivation into constructive action, it will be a big plus and hopefully deposit Love Units in your W's very depleted Love Bank.<p>I can't remember if anyone mentioned this yet, but the absolute number one thing that you must do is end all contact with the OW FOR LIFE. If you have any contact at all of any kind it will set the marital recovery clock back to zero and put another nail in the coffin of your M. Prior to D-day, you were stabbing her in the back. If you continue contact with the OW, you will be stabbing her directly in the heart, and the hemorrhaging will be MUCH worse. Don't risk it.<p>[ March 08, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Thank you each for your comments and advice. I plan on reading, listening and working toward recovery of my self and my marriage. My wife left with the kids the past 2 night and was home when I returned this evening. I gave the kids dinner and she left to go out????? Where I am not sure. I have been spending time with the kids and will sleep in the guest room. I just guess I have to wait for her to initiate talking/yelling. I will listen, answer all her questions and be totally honest. I will not offer her advice. I will not blame her. I will shoulder all the blame for the affair. It is over with the OW. Oh how I know I was compounding the problem by not telling her. I was ...I was...no excuse...I screwed up again. <p>Plan A and B appear to be ways to go if you are still in the relationship with the OW. That is not an issue. We both know it is over and want our families back. I am sorry to keep rambling. I really appreciate all your comments and suggestions. Boy is it hard to follow some of the abbreviations you folks use.....but I am catching on. <p>I am going to try to get some sleep......zzzzzzz

That's good. You're gonna make it. You have found just the right place to understand what you need to do to recover your marriage from this.<p>WS-wayward spouse
BS-betrayed spouse
DH-darling husband
DW-darling wife
OW-other woman
OP-other person
OM-other man
OC-other child
M-marriage
IC-individual counseling
C-counselor/counseling
CS-child support<p>
BTW-by the way
OTOH-on the other hand
IMO-in my opinion<p>Oh well, that's enough for now. You'll catch on, plus there is a thread that explains ALL the acronyms over on JUST FOUND OUT. Welcome to MB! You're gonna like it here. I wish you all God's best.