First time at this forum, have looked at many other Christian forums but they are not this specific regarding my issues - I hope there are people here that are willing to help as well as pray for me and my family.<p>Not sure where to even start. My wife has asked me for a divorce, mediation is set for 3/13 although it may not go well since I feel compelled to fight for custody of our 4 children. My wife has been lying and decieving me for about 2 1/2 years about an affair she has been having. Even after she asked for the divorce she denied anything going on. In a lot of ways I blame myself. Not just because her needs were not being met so the door was open to this happening. But I also encouraged a friendship with this other person. He was a mentor to her in her profession, a preceptor in her training, a co-worker, a family friend, our family physician - treating me for depression as well as my wife for various things.<p>She would come home from work and confide that the office staff was giving them a hard time because they were openly speculating that they were having an affair. I would ask my wife to be honest and she would say nothing was going on - and I believed her. At least up until the point she asked me for a divorce. Then I began searching for answers. I no longer accepted the denial or the excuses. She left a journal laying out which I read. He left his journal in our car which I read. I had her followed on a trip to Colorado where she promised he would not be - but guess what -the video tape proves they were together. There is more to this than I could possibly type from the bruses on her leggs which she tried to explain away to the horrible things he writes about me while treating me, to the fact that he is 17 years her senior, etc. She helped him through his divorce which was just finalized and I know they have talked about marriage - he even wrote about getting a house in order to take my whole family from me.<p>My wife will not go to counseling, she is so hurtful and mean toward me and the children are learning her behavior toward me - yes we are still in the same house, neither lawyer wants us to leave. I think she is still unsure if she is doing the right thing but is very addicted to the affair - she still sees him. <p>I still love her and want to try to save our family and marriage, she says she doest think she does. She sees a secular counselor who tells her to do what makes her happy. The OM tells her God knows what. Her friend who she talks to is having an affair with a married man, her father was unfaithful to her mother while she was dieing of cancer - and he is now basically living with a girlfriend who is of questionable character. She only reads books to try to get support for her decision and not to see the other side - which she professes she already knows.<p>I have filed 2 lawsuits against the OM and his employer. Got word yesterday that the insurance company that they want to discuss settlement of the suits but I am unsure this provides the level of consequences he deserves. Likely it would not be a "large settlement". Do I settle or risk loosing and large debt for principal and for possibility of larger consequences to him - the money really does not matter to me, I am trying to protect my family.<p>My divorce lawyer is very good and thinks we have a good case and shot at custody in this no fault state. But I am still hesitant because I don't want to upset her more and incur her wrath as well as destroy any possible chance at reconciliation. What do I do?<p>I have asked her for a chance but she doesn't want to talk - not right now, I don't know, we'll see, etc. are all I hear. Rarely a yes or a no. She has asked me to give her space and treat her like she is not even there. It is difficult but I am trying. I do however continue to treat her with the love and respect I have for her - which is hard. This whole thing has been going on for about 9 months now. I have hit bottom several times and although I feel a little bit of strength right now, I know it may only be temporary.<p>Please pray for me and my wife Lori and our children - I know we can make it work if she was willing to try. She says she tried for 18 years and doesn't want to any more. Actually, she tried to apease rather than talk about issues and set boundries so I was very much struck out of the blue with this - I didnt know she was unhappy.<p>Please provide any assistance you can.<p>Thanks<p>and God Bless<p>John

Welcome to MB, although I'm sorry you are in the situation you are in. This is the place to learn and receive support and advice. <p>Please read as much as you can. Have you read the concepts on the MB web-site? Have you read His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving and Affair yet? THese things will help tremendously. Let us know so we can know how to help you better.<p>THe link in my signature will cover some of the basics, as well as provide links to other topics and information.<p>You seem calm and organized with your thoughts. That's good. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I will be praying for you. Others will be along soon with some encouragement and opinions.

John C,
I very sorry you are having to go through this. It is so painful to watch a dream fade away...because basically that is what happens with the discovery of infidelity. The old marriage dies. <p>So, on to the future. In some ways it seems as though your wife holds all the cards and is calling the shots. But, it really doesn't have to be that way. You control your reactions, your plans and responsibilities.<p>Accepting the fact that your M may indeed be over is the first step. Your life is not. What do you want for you? <p>I don't know how much of the site you have read. I encourage you to read about love busters. Whether or not you stay together, these will teach you about treating anyone with dignity and respect..including yourself. If you get divorced, you will still share children. It is imperative that you set an example for them. <p>Probably one of the most important lessons I learned was boundary setting. Know what your boundaries are and stick to them. If the children are acting up it is doubly important for them to understand that while you may understand their need to express anger and confusion..there are better ways then putting down their father. You can't control the signals they are receiving from their mother...you can help them work through much of this. Arrange counselling for them ASAP.<p>And counselling for yourself as well. You mentioned that you had some blame feelings in regards to not meeting her needs. Well, that is human and you aren't perfect..and you do need to examine your role in the relationship....however, you do not get any blame for the A..it was a choice she made.<p>As far as your legal questions, they are best answered by a lawyer. I understand you not wanting to upset her..but there is a reality she has to face..her choice may result in her losing her family...that is reality..something that is not very common when someone is in the throes of a A...much of the romance, obsession is based on how the WS/OM "wish it could be"..not how it is. I would not make decisions based on her approval or hoping that a decision would influence her.<p>The anger in WS is very real..and I often think it is displaced anger...are they more upset with the BS, or themselves? Or, the thought that what had seemed so real and felt so good (the A) has turned into a monster they can no longer control. Now that the A is in the open and a reality, often it is not so pleasing.<p>Good luck to you. Let us know how things work out. Above all, make progress in understanding and learning to love yourself.
T

In addition to reading everything on the website, Dr. Harley's book, Surviving An Affair, is an important one to read, and in your situation, The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis ( www.divorcebusting.com ) would be very helpful as well, especially the Last Resort Technique. Zorweb recently posted a jump-start list for the Last Resort Technique:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=016195<p>Gregory Bodenhamer is an excellent resource for relating to your children in a productive way, especially if they are being disrespectful to you. His books are great: www.backincontrol.com<p>[ March 08, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Please read the info. on this site and SAA. <p>You need to become education about what your wife is feeling right now.<p>Affairs are likened to addictions - and thus she will be compelled to give up everything that she once held dear for the sake of her feelings brought on by the affair.<p>Don't try to make her choose between you and the other person or even try to get her to change her mind - begging and pleading and reasoning don't help - think about it as if she was an alcoholic and you were trying to talk her into never taking another drink - it's impossible.<p>Right now she is what we have termed "the fog" and can't see straight. "The fog" lifts, when reality sets in for her. <p>Now with all the law suits, reality may set in faster than normal, but be prepared for her to be angry at you for them. Right nowe she doesn't think she is doing anything wrong, and will probably blame you for everything even if it is not justified. Don't take it personally, it's just the nature of the beast.<p>If you really want a chance at reconciliation, you should probably read about Plan A and Plan B and begin Plan A. You can still do it during litigation.<p>She needs to see a chance in you and the relationship so that it is an attractive option to return to. Lawsuits are naturally adversarial, so it may be after the divorce that you are able to make any headway because right now all she can think about is defending herself in the suit and doesn't have time to feel guilty or think about how she needs to change.<p>It's complicated, but you need to see what you want, and then act accordingly. And by reading the material on this site and Surviving an Affair, you will be able to make a good decision for you and your family.<p>Also read the Welcome post by Orchid and the Marriage Builders post by WilliamJ to have any additional quesitons answered. And if you want to see how MB is compatible with Christian principles - go to teh DIvorced/Divorcing board and read the post about Free Will.<p>K<p>[ March 10, 2002: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</p>

JohnC:<p>Welcome to MB, though--as always--we regret having to meet this way.<p>I have been on both sides of this issue: as a betrayed spouse (BS) with my ex-wife, and more recently as a wayward spouse (WS).<p>There is no real light to shed on this: as long as she is in denial, she is maintaining a fog-like state because in the affair, she is having some emotional needs met. Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair (mentioned above) breaks all this down, I second the endorsement that you read it. If nothing else, it will give you a deeper understanding of what is going on.<p>And even though divorce is pending, it may not be too late to counter in a positve manner. Again, if nothing else, you will have done all that you can do. And while it is only a small consolation, you will rest easier knowing that you took those steps.<p>As for the rest: divorces--even in the "best" of ones--are messy. Try not to lovebust during this phase should it go onward, but not to the exclusion of looking out for your interests and the interests of the children.<p>Even in no-fault states, judges look for stability and soundness of environment, and that is not always with the woman any longer. I fought for custody of my children in a state where granting custody to a male is the exception rather than the rule. So take heart in that regard: its not like you are setting a legal precedent.<p>Godspeed to you and your family,
STL

THank you for the great advice. Unfortunately, I have already done most of the things you say I shouldnt. I have asked her to stop seeing him. Have asked her many times to reconsider and give us a chance. Have tried to reason with her. My heart is so hurt that I can not help but cry and probably look miserable a lot around her.<p>I have read surviving an affair and am trying to read as much as possible from this site. Unfortunately, I feel as though I am running out of time. <p>She does blame me for everything and is very hurtfull. She sees the litigation as just me trying to hurt her. <p>Latest word from her is that I am asking for something she can not do (give our marriage a chance). She says she doesn't want to.<p>She did glance through surviving an affair and said she would read it, but does not want to pursue counseling by its authors.<p>John

John,
Can you stop your divorce? If you want to save your marriage, then don't proceed with a divorce.<p>It's never too late to begin implementing some of the principles here. Plan A may get her attention. You can take a stand, file for D, and immediately begin meeting HER needs, and avoiding Love Busters.<p>What do ya think?<p>Even if you can't stop it, you can start Plan A NOW. She will notice change in your demeanor and behavior. sad dad on this forum is having to go along with a divorce and custody battle, and he is still in Plan A. perhaps you can read a little of his recent threads.<p>[ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

I have been trying to stop the divorce. Unfortunately, she is the one that filed and "doesnt want to"<p>She also says "He is more fun than you", "He listens to me". As well as the tried and true "I dont love you anymore and I dont think I ever did" and the many other hurtful things talked about in Love must be Tough book.<p>It is hard not to look depressed and hurt and to have fun when you are depressed. Taking medication but it does not completely solve things.<p>If mediation does not go as she expects which it probably wont then we have until May to live together so I guess that is also time for Plan A.<p>John