Here is my first stab at the Plan B letter. BrokenHearted, I took your example and modified it a bit. Hope you don't mind my plagarizing.<p>Dear R

This is by far the hardest thing that I have ever had to do, but feel it is absolutely necessary to do so. Please read this letter with an open heart and mind and understand what it is I am saying<p>First, understand that I accept full responsibility for my part in the breakdown of our marriage. I brought problems into our marriage that you did not know about until after we were married. I did not handle these problems correctly or resolve them completely and have allowed them to be a source of tension ever since. You also felt like I did not care about you, that I took you for granted and did not give you the attention you deserved. You are probably right. I am working very hard to understand why I allowed this to happen and to make the changes necessary to be a better, more caring and compassionate person.<p>These past few months have been very hard for all of us. The pain, lonliness, sorrow and sense of betrayal that I feel everyday has become too much for me to endure. I wake up everyday and go to sleep every night remembering our brief time together, the wonderful days we spent as husband and wife, and for that I am extremely grateful. It is these memories that have kept me going through all of this. I cannot imagine spending my life without anyone else but you.<p>But, since you are unwilling to end all contact with OM, I need to end all contact with you. I am not doing this to hurt you or to force you into making any choices, I am simply doing this to protect my emotional well being. This is not an easy decision to make, but one I must do.<p>I value my relationship with my children above all else and I hope that this decision of mine does not interfere with this. I will try and see them as much as I am able. But, I will not enter the house to see them or spend time with them there anymore. Please have them ready at our designated pick-up times and be home when I bring them back. Because we will be changing visitation from what was originally stipulated in the separation agreement, we will need to come up with some kind of weekly visitation schedule. I will no longer take time off from work or come over to watch the kids while you run errands or go to appointments.<p>All correspondence should be conducted through email, unless it involves an emergency with one of the children. I promise not to prevent you from talking to the children when I have visitation, but will not answer the phone. Please leave a message and I will have the children return your call. You can email me at X or at X. Please do not call me, at home or at work, it is just too painful for me to talk to you right now. <p>I have told you that the only way we could possibly work out any of our problems is for you to end all contact with OM both as a friend and as a lover, to seek counseling for yourself and for our marriage, and to take the necessary steps to control your alcohol and nicotine problem. Without taking these steps, I do not foresee any hope for a future together. <p>I hope that you will respect this decision that I have made. You must realize how incredibly difficult this situation has been. I will not stay in a situation that is so disrespectful to me, our marriage and to our children. With the stress and uncertainty in life, I need to fill my life with those who truly love and care for me and treat me with the respect that I deserve.<p>I am ready to begin a new chapter in my life and I want to thank you for giving me 14 wonderful years together. I pray that you find the happiness you are looking for and deserve. May God richly bless you.<p>With my love,
LHS<p>I expect to deliver this letter on Sunday, maybe send a copy to OM, OM's W and BF (certified mail so I know they get it) since they have all been so involved in this mess. This way, they all will know where I stand in this since I have never been able to express my feelings to them about what is going on.<p>My friends, please critique this and give me your opinions, I really would appreciate them.

I think you did a great job with the letter. Be prepared for her to not respect your decision. She will probably try and bait and hook you into conversation with her. Be strong. The words are easy, it is following through with the actions and pressure you will receive from her that will be tough. I think you are doing the right thing.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by loveherstill:
<strong>
Dear R

This is by far the hardest thing that I have ever had to do, but feel it is absolutely necessary to do so. Please read this letter with an open heart and mind <p>[I'd end the sentence here. The rest implies a disrespectful judgment, as if she'd have trouble understanding what you're saying.]<p> <and understand what it is I am saying><p>First, <p><understand that><p> [I'd leave out that phrase for same reason as above.] <p>I accept full responsibility for my part in the breakdown of our marriage. I brought problems into our marriage that you did not know about until after we were married. I did not handle these problems correctly or resolve them completely and have allowed them to be a source of tension ever since. <p><You also felt like I did not care about you, that I took you for granted and did not give you the attention you deserved. You are probably right.> <p>[She probably doesn't want you to tell her how she feels/felt. Suggest: "I did not show you how much I cared for you, I took you for granted, and I did not give you the attention you deserved."] <p>I am working very hard to understand why I allowed this to happen and to make the changes necessary to be a better, more caring and compassionate person.<p>These past few months have been very hard for all of us. The pain, loneliness, sorrow and sense of betrayal that I feel every day has become too much for me to endure. I wake up every day and go to sleep every night remembering our brief time together, the wonderful days we spent as husband and wife, and for that I am extremely grateful. It is these memories that have kept me going through all of this. I cannot imagine spending my life with anyone else but you.<p><But, since you are unwilling to end all contact with OM,> <p>[Again, might come across too judgmental. Suggest: "Until you end your relationship with OM and eliminate all contact with him"]<p>I need to end all contact with you. <p><I am not doing this to hurt you or to force you into making any choices, I am simply doing this to protect my emotional well being.> <p>[I think this may be too suggestive. A natural response would be: Then why are you hurting me like this and why are you making me choose? IMO, better not to even refer to it. Suggest: "I cannot be with you any longer while OM is in your life. I need to do this to protect my love for you."] <p>This is not an easy decision to make, but one I must do.<p>I value my relationship with my children <p><above all else> <p>[I don't know about others, but I want to matter to my H even more than the children do, so I just throw that in for you to think about in relation to what you know about your W in case she may feel the same. I'd leave that phrase out.] <p>and I hope that this decision of mine does not interfere with this. I will try to see them as much as I am able. But, I will not enter the house to see them or spend time with them there anymore. Please have them ready at our designated pick-up times and be home when I bring them back. Because we will be changing visitation from what was originally stipulated in the separation agreement, we will need to come up with some kind of weekly visitation schedule. I will no longer take time off from work or come over to watch the kids while you run errands or go to appointments.<p>All correspondence should be conducted through email, unless it involves an emergency with one of the children. I promise not to prevent you from talking to the children when I have visitation, but will not answer the phone. Please leave a message and I will have the children return your call. You can email me at X or at X. Please do not call me, at home or at work, it is just too painful for me to talk to you right now. <p>I have told you that the only way we could possibly work out any of our problems is for you to end all contact with OM both as a friend and as a lover, to seek counseling for yourself and for our marriage, and to take the necessary steps to control your alcohol and nicotine problem. <p><Without taking these steps, I do not foresee any hope for a future together. > <p>[How about a more positive approach: "As soon as you are willing to follow these steps for marital recovery, I will be willing to discuss our future together."]<p>I hope that you will respect this decision that I have made. You must realize how incredibly difficult this situation has been. I <p><will not> <p>[I'd use "cannot"--less confrontational.] <p>stay in a situation that is so disrespectful to me, our marriage and to our children. <p><With the stress and uncertainty in life, I need to fill my life with those who truly love and care for me and treat me with the respect that I deserve.> <p>[This comes across as kind of judgmental and demanding, and she's probably not too interested in those needs of yours or what you deserve right now and could provoke reactive defensiveness.]<p>I am ready to begin a new chapter in my life and I want to thank you for giving me 14 wonderful years together. <p><I pray that you find the happiness you are looking for and deserve.> <p>[This may be too dismissive. Are you up to expressing this much feeling?--"I loved you when we married, and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as OM is in your life."] <p>May God richly bless you.<p>With my love,
LHS
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>As always, my observations are colored by my perspective, so you're the final judge of how your W will perceive it through her lenses. Thought it was great overall. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 08, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by loveherstill:
<strong><p>I expect to deliver this letter on Sunday, maybe send a copy to OM, OM's W and BF (certified mail so I know they get it) since they have all been so involved in this mess. This way, they all will know where I stand in this since I have never been able to express my feelings to them about what is going on.<p>My friends, please critique this and give me your opinions, I really would appreciate them.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>lhs,<p>I think the letter was really good but I'm no expert on plan B, never been there. I would ask you to think about one thing. OM and BF don't really give a s*&t about you. They've been proving that for quite some time. Why give them the time of day? OM will probably take it as, "He's giving up." Even more reason for him to pursue, and he will use it as his justification and excuse later. OM's W probably has enough on her plate also and it won't really help her. LHS, you're an honest person and I know you think it's important to be honest but these players (OM and BF) are not honest and they will prey on you if you let them. <p>
JMHO,<p>
who

LHS, I am honored that you used my letter as a example! IMHO I think you did a great job with suiting it to your needs. I do agree with some of the suggestions made by Conqueror, especially the "taking you for granted" suggestion. I think I will use a few of her suggestions too!! Good luck on Sunday! I will say a prayer that it goes well. I have not yet mustered the courage to give my H the letter. But, I know I will feel it when the time is right. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
BH

For all the good it did for me to write one - WH destroyed both his and OW's copies......<p>Just my 2 cents.<p>
First, understand that I accept full responsibility for my part in the breakdown of our marriage. I brought problems into our marriage that you did not know about until after we were married. I did not handle these problems correctly or resolve them completely and have allowed them to be a source of tension ever since. You also felt like I did not care about you, that I took you for granted and did not give you the attention you deserved. You are probably right. I am working very hard to understand why I allowed this to happen and to make the changes necessary to be a better, more caring and compassionate person.<p>[I wouldn't put words in their mouth. Just Id what you are changing and leave it at that]<p>
These past few months have been very hard for all of us. The pain, lonliness, sorrow and sense of betrayal that I feel everyday has become too much for me to endure. I wake up everyday and go to sleep every night remembering our brief time together, the wonderful days we spent as husband and wife, and for that I am extremely grateful. It is these memories that have kept me going through all of this. I cannot imagine spending my life without anyone else but you.<p>But, since you are unwilling to end all contact with OM, I need to end all contact with you. I am not doing this to hurt you or to force you into making any choices, I am simply doing this to protect my emotional well being. This is not an easy decision to make, but one I must do.<p>I value my relationship with my children above all else and I hope that this decision of mine does not interfere with this. I will try and see them as much as I am able. But, I will not enter the house to see them or spend time with them there anymore. Please have them ready at our designated pick-up times and be home when I bring them back. Because we will be changing visitation from what was originally stipulated in the separation agreement, we will need to come up with some kind of weekly visitation schedule. I will no longer take time off from work or come over to watch the kids while you run errands or go to appointments.<p>All correspondence should be conducted through email, unless it involves an emergency with one of the children. I promise not to prevent you from talking to the children when I have visitation, but will not answer the phone. Please leave a message and I will have the children return your call. You can email me at X or at X. Please do not call me, at home or at work, it is just too painful for me to talk to you right now. <p>I have told you that the only way we could possibly work out any of our problems is for you to end all contact with OM both as a friend and as a lover, to seek counseling for yourself and for our marriage, and to take the necessary steps to control your alcohol and nicotine problem. Without taking these steps, I do not foresee any hope for a future together. <p>[You may want to be more ambiguous here - that when all contact is ended then you will consdier discussing the future - although it's clear what you require for her return]<p>
I hope that you will respect this decision that I have made. You must realize how incredibly difficult this situation has been. I will not stay in a situation that is so disrespectful to me, our marriage and to our children. With the stress and uncertainty in life, I need to fill my life with those who truly love and care for me and treat me with the respect that I deserve.<p>[I would stay away from saying she's being disrespectful - it's a disrespectful jusgement on your part - supposedly you're supposed to focus on your pain because of her choices and hecause of that pain you have to cease all contact]<p>
I am ready to begin a new chapter in my life and I want to thank you for giving me 14 wonderful years together. I pray that you find the happiness you are looking for and deserve. May God richly bless you.<p>[This sounds like you are moving on with no chance of recovery - sounds a little too final on your part]<p>With my love,
LHS<p>
I know this is an extremely hard step that you are taking. Personally, I felt it was easier than Plan A because WH is not constantly directly hurting you with their words and actions. But everyone is different. I hope that you find peace in your decision and the strength that you will need during this time. K

Just to let everyone know, I delivered the letter on Friday when I picked up the kids, as is. I wish I would have waited and read everyones replies, there are some great suggestions in there. But, I really couldnt wait any longer, it had to be done. So, its done, its over, see what happens.<p>I also emailed a copy to OM and BF and mailed a copy to OM's W. Maybe I was wrong, but I just wanted all the key players to know where I stand in all of this. Whatever they read into it I have no control over, they are going to do what they are going to do anyway, really nothing I can do or say to stop that.<p>Just to add a few more things I found out. W didnt go over to MIL's house the other day 'to have time to myself' she actually went over to OM's hotel room for the night. And, W told me that the A may have to end becasue he may be moving out of state. No, it isnt going to end because she knows it is wrong or because she wants to commit to the M, its ending because he is moving, oh the possibilities of them getting back together and continuing the A are endless!<p>Today I really feel good about what I did, its been a long time coming. Its going to be hard, that I know, and there are going to be many, many opportunities for me to have contact with W, but I really have to get it under control and stick to Plan B. This is the only way W will see how serious I am about the A and our M.<p>I feel like I have released myself from this whole mess. I no longer have to worry about saving the M, what W is doing, and with who, nor about getting hurt by W anymore. Its a huge boost to my self-esteem and self-respect.<p>I told D-2 last night that I was no longer talking or seeing W anymore, didnt say why, but felt like she needed an explanation as to why I am acting like I am. She just said 'I understand Daddy'<p>Before I left last night, W told me she was coming by MIL's houe (where we are staying this weekend) to pick up a few things. I told her to call and let me know when so I could make sure I was gone. This will be test #1 for Plan B.<p>Thanx all for your support, I know I will be needing a lot more while in Plan B.<p>[ March 09, 2002: Message edited by: loveherstill ]</p>