when i found out, i found this web site and i even talked to Dr. Harley on his wifes radio show he said i should work on plan A,and i have been .but there is nothing i say to her or do for her that makes any differents .the other night i seen her going outside with the phone .i asked her what she was doing and she said she was just going outside.i asked her if she was going to call him and she said "yes i like talking to him' as we talked , i asked her please don't call.it was very late and she said she was tired of trying so i don't know if she did or not . she has not asked me to go and i hope she don't. i love my wife very much and i keep telling her that i love her and that we can work this out if she would just talk to me .she will not talk about this at all.when i asked her what she wanted me to do she would just say "i don't know what to tell you" or " i don't know" and that is about all she will say.she will not agree to any counseling .because she said that there isn't any thing any one can do or say to make her happy again, she said that this was her problem and she just needed to be on her own.we have three children 12,8'and 5 we have been married for 13 years and i told her i didn't think we should just give up and still no answer.can any one give me some answeres or at least i little advice

Hi upnort,<p>About Plan A... You have to accept that anything and everything you do will APPEAR to be rejected by her on the surface.<p>One way to think of it... she's built up a concrete wall around herself - she's not going to let you in. Plan A is about you working on YOU, but a side-effect is that she will notice these changes, even if not acknowledged. It's like throwing a grenade up against the wall - it may produce a few cracks.<p>But a key, I believe anyways, is to pursue Plan A without pursuit... Sounds strange? Not really - don't push her to talk, don't try to educate her, don't by clingy... that's pursuit, and it isn't consistent with Plan A.<p>It's taken me a while to truly appreciate some of these facts, and to put myself in a "good spot". It will be hard, and set your expectations VERY LOW (nonexistent?) - then if you do eventually start recovering, it will be all the sweeter! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Try implementing the suggestions on the list Zorweb posted from www.divorcebusting.com on this thread:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=016195<p>The most important thing is to stop asking her questions about her R with the OM, her R with you, or her future plans, any of that. Go about your own business. Be pleasant, friendly, cheerful, upbeat. Be a person she'd like to be around and spend time with.<p>In short, PRETEND she is not having an A for the time being. Every time you pursue those topics of conversation, you are pushing her away, and she will avoid you. In order to make deposits in her Love Bank, you need to do what attracted her to you in the first place. Go back to being that person. The more you try to hold on, the more she'll want to escape. The first step is to let go.

Thanks J.R. and Conqueor .. my wife and i talked a little this time she told me she just wanted out , she just wanted to get on with her life!should i keep going with plan A or should i just give up like she has?she said that she doesn't feel any love at all for me and she tried of pretending.i think she hasn't said any thing to me about moving out because of the kids.she said that she knows the kids need me and she just don't know what to do ..

upnort - J.R. and Conquerer gave good advice. I'm gonna say the same thing slightly differently.<p>First, read "WAT's Guick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses" on the Just Found Out board.<p>IMHO, THE most important thing for you to accept right now is that there is NOTHING you can do to get inside the wall J.R. described.<p>DON'T EVEN TRY!<p>Worse yet, by trying, you're building the wall higher and thicker.<p>Her affair will very likely end. To hasten it's end, do not interfere with it.<p>Everything your wife is saying is right out of the script. They all say the same things. It's downright spooky.<p>Focus on yourself and your kids. Be the responsible parent and think of yourself as the hero, not the victim. Leave her alone and try real hard to distract yourself. This may seem impossible, but believe it that this is your best course of action towards her - inaction.<p>Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.<p>Demonstrate to your self and your kids that you can find and make YOUR improvements. If you do this with consistency, have patience with waiting for results, and let time work its wonders, you WILL be rewarded.