It's 1:00 A.M. I was lying in my bed listening to my H breathing, trying to pretend he is asleep. The space between us seems like miles. My thoughts started to wander. My self esteem is gone I think. I feel useless and unwanted. I feel so many things - none of which are good. He doesn't want me, not as a wife, not as a lover. We are roommates. It should have been me. I should have been the one who had the affair - not him. I was trying to think back, to remember. When was the last time I felt that he loved me and wanted me. So sad - I can't even remember. I look at myself and I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm tired of being somebody's wife, somebody's mother, somebody's daughter. I want to be just me and I want to be accepted for who I am. Once upon a time not so long ago I thought I had it all. I thought I had the world in my hands. Things have never been perfect but since I never expected perfection that was okay with me. I remember when I didn't spend my days crying and my nights thinking about too many things that are so out of my control. I wish I could sleep. I wish I could push it all away and pretend it never happened. I think he does that. I think he's cleansed himself of his guilt and he doesn't understand what is wrong with me. I think maybe it's time to say goodbye to him, to my marriage, to being Mrs. Me and just start being Me alone - by myself. I'll lie awake tonight with all the demons that he has brought into my life while he sleeps the sleep of innocence. I deserve better than hollow nights spent typing words to faceless people who have enough of their own to deal with. I want my life back only I think this time it needs to be a life without him in it.

Oh (((((((((((tinydancer))))))))))),<p>girl, you are in crisis. i'm sure i don't have to tell you that... <p>i, too, should have been the one to have an affair. i loved my h to pieces. and, like yours, mine stopped kissing me... sleeping every night w/ me... TALKING TO ME...<p>yep. you gotta go find yourself. my grandpa used to say, when people said this, to go look into a mirror. there you are.<p>YOU ARE THERE. <p>This is an important part of the process in a relationship. Being two... yet being one. How do you keep that independence, yet be interdependent? That's stretching a marriage, a relationship to its outer limits.<p>Take a 'time out' from focusing on you H... what he is or isn't doing. FOCUS ON YOU. Many have recommended Dr. Phil's new book... "Self Matters," I think it's called...<p>'cause YOU do... <p>Hugs,
Cali

Oh, I know those feelings well. It is not a good place to be.<p>My H and I are separated now....he is still very remote and distant. It has taken awhile and I have many ups and downs...but slowly and surely I am starting to feel better about myself again.<p>For so long I identified with myself through how I was perceived through him. How sad. I am a beautiful person and deserved to be loved. He hasn't made me feel that way for about 15 years. Kind of ruins your self-esteem.<p>It takes time...but it is kind of fun finding myself again. Emotionally, I am still sad about our marriage....but I am happier about me. Hope you get there too. Patty

Thanks for the replies Cali and miserynmissouri. I really hate feeling that way. I was so much more "normal" before D-day. I think I've given him too much of myself. I think it's time to Plan A ME. I'm going to make plans to spend some time with friends and do things I like to do.He needs to see that it's reality check time. I'm not going to tell him, He'll need to see for himself -no LB's though. I will survive this - either with him or without.

Tiny,
How well I remember those sleepless nights, I was dying, crying , he was snooring. It made me so angry.
I think your plan to plan A your self is perfect. Tell me about who you were before you got married. What did you like to do?
We are all with you in spirit, we are all on our own journeys but yet connected by this pain.
I wouldnt have understood it if someone had told me this whole affair thing is more about ME growing than "fixing" him but it has been true for me. I am "fixing" myself. My mantra is: I dont have to trust him not to hurt me, I have to trust myself to be able to handle it if he does.
Tiny keep on dancing your dance, but change the steps a little, you lead for a while in your direction.
Try this for sleep, get a tape player with little earphones to put under your pillow. Get a book on tape from the library or walmart and listen to it. It helps stop your mind from racing and even though you may not sleep, your body is resting.
YOu are not alone.

{{{{{{{Tiny Dancer}}}}}}}
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I’ve been where your at in my previous marriage. In the end my solution was to become someone I liked. And eventually I walked.
I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com. I hope this helps. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180. The approach will help you find and even better YOU. If it saves your marriage is only secondary.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

sadprincess thanks for your support. It's good to know that people, strangers at that, care. I barely remember life before marriage. It seems as if he's always been there. I am going to start doing the things I like to do and finding new interests that keep me occupied. <p>zorweb that is an interesting way to deal and I am going to give it my best shot. I am headed to the site after this post to read, read and read some more. <p>Thanks everyone for carrying me through this. I don't know where I would be without all of the help I have gotten here.

I second the Dr. Phil recommendation. He really helps you focus in on your core self. When you get in touch with her, you'll realize how much you've missed her and be so happy to see her again. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]