Another lurker out of the closet....you guys give great advice and I need some really fast. Here's the scenario:<p>Me: 42 WSx2 (how I met my husband) D14
H: 47 WSx2, BS D23, D21
No kids between us, married 5 years<p>We have had a rocky few years...he blames me for making him walk away from his old job, kids, etc when we got married. Also has a history of physical and verbal abuse for which he has gotten counseling 3 times. That is better now. Says we live by my agenda, but won't tell me his. I am not a mind reader. He is now on a "spiritual journey" and says we are "in different places".<p>In July, a co-worker (32) and I began an EA tht turned into a PA in Aug. This has continued off and on until 2 weeks ago when I said enough. D-day #1 was 10/3...my H heard some cell phone messages from OM. I denied PA, we went to MC and at that time contact stopped for about 3 weeks. EA started back up 11/01, PA started again 2/02. D-day #2 3/8/02...H found evidence that I had been lying about PA in the fall. I came clean yesterday, admitted to everything, but told him I wanted to be with him and try to make things right. H went to see MC alone...decided he had had enough of this and within 2 hours had an appt with a mediator on Mon. I DO NOT want this to happen, but I can't get him to slow down long enough to at least think about it. He is moving out this weekend.<p>I realize I have made poor choices and that trying to cover it up only made it worse. When he found out the first time, he said if ANYTHING physical (hadn holding, kissing) had gone on, he was out of there. I didn't want that to happen, so I decided not to admit to the rest.<p>The stress of all this is almost more than I can deal with. I started a new job on Mon (now I won't see OM at work), my mother has a terminal illness and now I am faced with this....I know he loves me deep down and I love him. I also know he is hurt very badly and feels incredibly betrayed. I have read all the info on this site...how can I get him to SLOW DOWN???<p>Thanks for your help...sorry if this is rambling.<p>AM

amarkham - I just wanted you to know that I read your post and I have tried to think of some good advice.<p>I failed.<p>All I can recommend is for you to read your post aloud in front of a mirror.<p>Sincerely, good luck to you in finding happiness.

amarkham- you cant make him do anything-all you can do is change you. you can controll how you are in this terrible situation, not him. unfortunately he may not want to go through all this again. just work on you and maybe he will come around.

Just a thought. Why do you think you keep doing this? Do you avoid conflict but act out your anger? Passive aggresive? maybe your father had multiple affairs? Do you get your sense of self from men?
Figure out the problem. Fix it. Then you can explain to your H why you did this and what your plan is to stop this behavior.

When I found out about my hubby's A, I too thought about walking out. Since this was the first time I had dealt with pain like this, I stayed and did not to anything rash. He insisted over and over that we were going to work it out, that HE wanted the marriage to stay together etc. Finally one night I explained to him, "The decision of whether our marriage stays together is not up to YOU. It is MY decision." At that point he backed off of insisting that our only option was to work things out. Instead he began doing the things I needed to convince me to stay. He took the pressure off and began changing himself, adding love units so to speak. He didn't even realize that was what he was doing, but guess what. It worked. I haven't seriously considered leaving since the first week after D-Day. (12/25/01) I've stayed because he's shown me his love, remorse and desire to change himself to make the marriage work.

Good questions, Sad Princess....am in counseling to try to find answers. I believe my behavior is an effort to hide from truths I'd rather not face and is a passive-aggressive attempt to act out anger toward my husband instead of really trying to communicate. No, my Dad did not have affairs. But my Mom treated him with little respect and unfortuantely that is the behavior model I grew up with. I am trying to fix these things....but I am afraid it is too late for my H. Maybe down the road I won't make the same mistakes again.. The price of learning and growing for me will be terribly high and it makes me physically sick.

Have you considered what is best for him? Perhaps the marriage is not in his best interest? There is not much you can do to salvage the situation if he doesn't want it salvaged.

Hi, <p>You sound like you are in the 'emergency mode'. Pleas get ahold of the book Surviving an Affair and give it to your H to read. You both need support but different kinds. Maybe you might not be the best support for each other right at this time but can be good at supporting the support. Kinda confusing? Well you support could be your family, children, BIL/SIL/parents/friends/counselor, etc. <p>Almost like using a 3rd party to negogiate. Becareful of who you choose but you don't have to tell all to all for them to be your support (ie: children can help in their own way with unbiased direction). This is hard but attainable. <p>Read up on the basic concepts here you have some issues between the 2 of you that have to be dealt with in addition to the A. Respect and honesty for starters. <p>Take Care,
L.

Well, I'm going to try to be encouraging. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>If you are in therapy and you've read everything on this site, then you know what to do: Plan A. Stop all LBs. If your H gives you a chance to talk, do not say anything that even hints at justification or rationalization. Take full responsibility for anything and everything you have ever done wrong in the M, beginning with how it started. ("I'm sorry I participated in the destruction of your previous M.") Be specific about the things you did wrong, name them each and every one.<p>Your whole attitude should be like that of the Prodigal Son: I have sinned against heaven and against you, and I am not worthy to be called your wife. <p>If you have humility and brokenness, reveal that to him.<p>Mostly he will be looking at what you DO, so make sure that is always in line with what you say.<p>Read up on Plan A, stop LBs, figure out what your H's ENs are and meet them to the best of your ability.<p>If he rages, let him and acknowledge whatever he says that is true: "You betrayed me!" "Yes, I betrayed you in the worst possible way, and I am so sorry. You didn't deserve what I did." Absorb it. Take responsibility for it.<p>If he believes that you have true remorse and are actively working at fixing the part of you that allowed you to betray him, he may have second thoughts, and if he doesn't, you are still on your way to being the person you want to be.<p>[ March 09, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>