DH and I have been back together now for 18 mths, were separated for 8 mths. In all of that time his cell phone bill has not come to the house. That has been a big issue for me. I would let it steam me for a while then I'd confront him, he'd go in and give his address change again and it still wouldn't come. Of course, I've always thought that it was bs and he was still contacting her. I blew up again last week, he went in again and then yesterday,for the first time,tried going online to change a feature, it wouldn't accept the numerical password that they had given him. He called the helpdesk, turns out they had left out a digit, so any time he's gone in to make the address change, it just got lost in cyberspace. I've apologised, but he was angry at me for not believing him. Has anybody got any ideas for me to show him that I am sorry. Thanks!

Well, I think its too bad that he didnt see it a strong need of yours to help rebuild trust and make more of an effort to make it happen. Sure he maybe wasnt hiding anything, but he also wasnt giving it his full effort and trying to help you.<p>Maybe you can approach it by thanking him for making that effort and telling him how much that has meant to you and how much it has helped in your personal recovery, and try and show him by actioins how much you appreciate it and its helped you move forward.

Luv,<p>I would tell him I was sorry and move on. It's hard to trust an untrustworthy person even when they are telling the truth. That is not *YOUR* fault. He is the one who set up that condition. He shouldn't expect you to ever blindly trust him again. It will take a long time for him to reestablish trust in your marriage and this event is simply a natural consequence of his past untrustworthiness.

Lora, I agree, I think that's what bothers me the most. If he had just resolved it quickly, that would have gone a long way in rebuilding the trust. Instead I have felt that perhaps he did have something to hide, and then he gets upset because I don't believe him. He's doing a lot of the "right things", but after being lied to for 5 years, it's hard to let go of the mistrust. <p>ML, you're right also, I will just say I'm sorry that I didn't believe him and leave it at that. I have to admit that quite often when I've apologised for saying something stupid or blowing up, he generally tells me that I have a right to say or do that, that he understands where it's coming from. But we're two years past d-day and I think he's wishing that it could be forgotten, although when I did tell him that as a New Year's resolution I was going to try very hard not to bring it up, he said that wasn't necessary, if I still felt the need to discuss it then we would.<p>I think we're both just in a very hard place still, both wanting it to be behind us but still reeling from the after effects. We've both been under a lot of stress lately, his job related and mine health related and job related, and we're still trying to figure out how to cope with it together instead of bottling things up. We are doing better at communicating, but we've got 20 years of bad habits to break.

Dear Debbie,<p>Use this as an example of you trying to live by how you want to be treated. Simple straight up apology. <p>Something like:<p>"Sorry hon, looks like the cell companies el goofo threw us for a loop and no the unexplainable is explained!" <p>Thank him for finding out the real cause and say that the next time you hope the both of you can team up again to tackle all the wacky stuff together. You never know what the world will throw at you next and it is better to face it as a couple instead of separately. <p>JMHO,
L.

I personally would not apologize for insisting on the extraordinary precautions or lack of trust that HIS behavior made necessary.<p>IMO, all you need to apologize for are any angry outbursts, that type of thing. I don't think questioning his adherence to the extraordinary precautions is a disrespectful judgment, and I don't think requiring them is a selfish demand.<p>I think insisting on being trusted when you've violated your spouse's trust is a selfish demand, and THAT is a selfish demand for which HE should apologize.<p>[ March 09, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

I tend to go with Orchid on this. Wierd stuff happens sometimes and when you've been burned once, it's hard not to react.<p>I like the idea of "teaming up" on problems rather than splitting things into "my stuff your stuff". So maybe this weekend sit down and apologize for your anger and open some communication on how you two can start working as partners on issues.
T