My husband and I have been together for 16 years. I have suffered both physical and mental abuse (as well as my 2 sons in the beginning). I never stopped loving my husband and stayed with him. Two years ago, I found out that he had been having an affair that lasted for 2 years prior. Again, I forgave and tried to make the marriage work.
I have gained some weight, though not a lot, since we were married. He says that I am totally to blame for our marriage going bust, that he thinks I am too fat, old and ugly and that he wants a pretty bauble that will give him sex 24/7 hanging on his arm.<p>With all of that being said and done, I am still very much in love with my husband. He moved out yesterday while I was at work. We spoke on the phone later and all he said was that he wanted a divorce.<p>What in the world do I do now? I am NOT FAT OLD or UGLY. I feel totally lost. <p>I purchased the tapes and book His Needs Her Needs and when he listened to the first tape, he was very quick to tell me that our problems were all my fault. If I had not gained any weight, our love life would still be great and he would not have been inclined to cheat.<p>I don't even know where to begin to either pick up the pieces and try to put them together or to just throw in the towel. I am so depressed. <p>I want him to come back, but I don't think that begging and making a fool of my self would be productive either. Any suggestions?

Hi, <p>Welcome to MB. Sorry you are here due to your sitaution but your H blaming you is a very common reaction for a conflict avoider and those embedded in the A (aka: fog). <p>He is babbling. Now step back away from him and find out what you want. Read the Welcome to MB thread a few threads below this one and then work on you. You can not control your H. I bleive you actually want and need to be treated better than your H treated you and your family before anyway. <p>He has an OW but he is not a good person. Do not stoop to allowing abuse to continue in your life. Have you spoken to a counselor yet? Steve and Jennifer here at MB offer phone counseling. <p>Sounds like your H has inner problems of his own and deals with it by blaming you. So fix what is truly yours to fix, then give him back his baggage. You will fill relief and it may help him come back to his senses. If it does not you will stil be a better person. You can the opportunity to turn this into a win win situation for you and your family.<p>Take Care,
L.

You should be reading SAA (Surviving an Affair) and read the info. on this site.<p>Please don't jump to the conclusion that everything is yoru fault. There is a good thread on the Divorced/Divorcing board entitled Free Will that clarifies this. But read it after you read about Plan A and Plan B.<p>Know that affairs are likened to addictions. Since your spouse is "addicted" he IS NOT thinking straight. Try not to get upset by his words - the WS (wayward spouse) doesn't usually even remember all the hateful things they say anyway. <p>And of course, they will lay all the blame on you to ease their gulty conscience - don't but into it!<p>The point of Plan A is to better yourself - not just physically, but in all other aspects as well. You also better yourself by learning about LBs (love busters) and how to remove them from yoru life - which will help you in all of your relationships.<p>Right now, you need to get a support system in place - family,friends, counselor, God, priest/minister. You will need to call on all of them right now.<p>If you want to try and work on your marriage, then after reading the materials - ptint out the questionaires - EN and LB and try to fill them out as if you wer eyour spouse. THen try and meet ENs and take out LBs. You need to give yourself a time limit for this(usually 6 mos. to make sure WS sees changes) and reevaluate every week. <p>It's not an easy process and you'll get discourages ie the support system. But know that you are dealing with an addiction - like drugs or alcohol and you are trying to get your spouse in a position to want to work on the marriage, and they don't want to work on the marriage when you beg and plead and try to force them into doing it - we know this from past experience.<p>I hope this helps. You may have to reread some of the materials to understand it, but you will understand more and more through time.<p>Right now, read, take care of yourself and take life one day at a time. K

Welcome MHA,<p>It is good to have you here although I wish your circumstances had not made it necessary. As Orchid and God is in Control have told you, his A IS NOT your fault. Your WH has certain weaknesses that led him to select an EMA as the solution to his discontent. There are much healthier choices that he could of made. His A is about HIM, not YOU!! Unfortunately, you catch the fallout. <p>At the stage of infidelity that he is currently in, there is nothing you can do to change HIM. However, this is a perfect time to concentrate on YOU. What will make you a happier, more confident person (not relating to the M)? <p>You have taken the right steps - reading, analysing your role in the M, and coming here. You are right-on about not begging and being clingy. Even if you have to pretend for now, act like a lady who will be OK with or without H.<p>Odds are that in time, your H will realize that he has made a huge mistake. This could easily take 6 months to a year (so don't expect much any time soon). Right now your H is totally obsessed with this OW and cannot see past her. And his obsession causes him to blame all the problems in the M on you. Obviously this is not true, but nothing you do will change his perception, so don't try. Let him go for now. It will help the A evolve and die more quickly. <p>DO NOT take any quick action. Sit back, do things that will make you feel good about yourself, see a counselor because you will need support, and have NO expectations about the A ending soon. There is every reason to have hope that your M will be healed, but you have to be strong and wait out H's addition and withdrawal. You can do this. Come here often.<p>Best wishes,
Estes <p>P.S. How old are your sons? How are they doing?
Your H's abuse of them is a sure sign that he has his own demons to deal with.

I have read almost every piece of literature on this site. I can't see it helping much if he doesn't read it too. I can't make him read it if I don't even know where he is.<p>I am sitting at home absolutely miserable. I can't sleep, can't eat and can't even hold a good thought pattern. I just wish I could evaporate.<p>I feel so betrayed after trying so hard to make this marriage work . . . to no avail.<p>I have worked hard and actually earn more income than he does. I have never pressured him about his income, he makes a good living too. I just hate to see 16 years of my life along with all of my life treasures end up on a judges bench.<p>I am really hurting bad. I just wish the pain would go away.<p>I do appreciate your responses.

Hi Misshimalot- my husband left after 16 years of marriage and an affair and although he wasn't an abusive person he too blamed it on me. That said it was a year ago and though the pain was incredible at first, it does ease. The info on this site and others can help YOU without him. The ideas on not to make you a 'better ' person to get him back , but to help make your life better for you and to increase your own self esteem and self worth. Keep reading - it will help and come here for encouragement and somewhere to express your paIN. jANTE