Good Evening All..
I've been lurking here for about a month now, soaking in all your guys experiences and such. Obviously I'm here due to an affair. My hubby was having an EA with a mutual online friend of ours. It lasted about a yr and a half to two years. He told all the usual lies. We were having problems (about the only truth he told her), he was saving for the divorce , he was going to leave me and move to WI to be with her, heck, they were talking about having kids..<p>*Rewind a bit.. About 3 to 4 months before the A started (5/00) I had a gut feeling that he was "up to something". I found out he had been "cybering" with another mutual online friend of ours. At that time I told him I couldn't be married to a person I couldn't trust. He said he was sorry, blah, blah, blah.. I let him stay. Do to circumstances beyond my control I had to return to our state of residence, leaving DH to his own devices alone in Tx. (He was in the military) Shortly after I left the A began. During the time we were apart we talked about separating when he got out. HE didn't want to separate whe it came down to it. <p>Fast forward to Nov. '02... The "family" made a move to Washington. Told hubby I couldn't move my misery with me, but If he wanted to work on us he'd have to agree to MC and we'd try again. He agreed (not ending the A with the OW, I had no idea it was going) Then suddenly on Dec 30 '01 "something" got me on his computer snooping.. (Haven't done that in 2 yrs)I found IM conversations between them. At first he denied it.. Until I got her on the phone. Then it was for kicks and grins.. She told me everything he didn't. Eventually he came around and verified everything she said.<p>Where am I at today? Well, he hasn't contacted her since he wrote "the ending it" email. She has only contacted me via IM. He's not back online yet. He has seen the devastation he has caused to me and this marriage. He is remorseful, in his own way. He's the show emotions equals weakness type, but then again so am I. We are active in MC. I've finally ordered SAA and HN/HN, I believe that's what it's called. We agreed Radical Honesty is a necessity in our marriage. Last night after talking with him, for the 1st time in a long time I feel safe in this marriage again. I do know I'll have my bad days, that's where this board will come in handy. <p>Now a few questions.. What's everyone's thoughts of a WS not going through a withdrawal phase? My WS has shown no signs of it and when I asked him if he's had thoughts of her and/or the A, explaining to him it's normal and together we can/will work him through it. He claims the only thoughts of her/the A is when he wonders how he could have lost site of us. Is it possible to skip withdrawals?<p>*** Just a tad bit of additional info.. Two weeks after getting married H and I were involved in a single vehicle accident. Hubby lost control of the car I was thrown out of the car and shattered my neck. Leaving me paralyzed from the chest down. Shortly after coming home I noticed a "harsh" change in both of us, but neither of us went to counceling.

Hi Suzzane
I am a relatively new poster, and not really too well versed in MB principles, but I did notice that given your injuries from your accident, you mentioned you had no councelling. My goodness that must be so very very difficult, I know since my father was a para for the last 20 years of his life due to a motorcycle accident, (he passed on his 75th birthday, 2000) Anyway, where I live (Ontario, Canada) it is expected that councelling is manditory for both the accident victim and the family, in the case of such a serious and life changing impairment. My mother, as well as both my brothers and myself (all over 18 at the time) received councelling in how to deal with my father's "situation" I would suggest that you might consider that way to go, not due to any lack in yourself or your handling of the situation, but simply because the situation itself is not an easy one for any and all involved.
Respectfully,

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by lyndy666:
<strong>Anyway, where I live (Ontario, Canada) it is expected that councelling is manditory for both the accident victim and the family, in the case of such a serious and life changing impairment. My mother, as well as both my brothers and myself (all over 18 at the time) received councelling in how to deal with my father's "situation" </strong><hr></blockquote><p>I would have loved if my family would have gotten any sort of counceling. At the time, my insurance was going to send me to counceling. But me still grieving wasn't remotely ready. I've truely had an easier time dealing with all this than my hubby.
I don't think I posted this here, but after the accident, and I got home my caring, loving hubby changed into a mean spiteful person. That's when the physical and emotional abuse started. He always told me I'd never leave him because nobody could take care of me like him. He claims he just realized how nasy he actually has treated me. He claims being caught (the A) has opened his eyes.
Thank you for sharing.. I really do appreciate it..

Dear Suzanne,<p>For whatever reason, your H's treatment of you is inexcusable and down right cruel. However, he may be ready to make changes now. I hope so. <p>You say that he is not the type to acknowledge emotions. I suspect that after the accident, your H was overcome with guilt about what had happened to you and never dealt with it. I'll bet that he has felt that your paralysis is his fault and instead of accepting his feelings, he turned his guilt into anger toward you. Please consider you and H getting counseling about the accident. IMO, if you work through the unresolved issues relating to the accident, it will help your M recovery, too. <p>Best wishes to you and your H. Please keep posting to let us know about your recovery.<p>Respectfully,
Estes

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Estes49:
<strong>For whatever reason, your H's treatment of you is inexcusable and down right cruel. However, he may be ready to make changes now. I hope so. <p>You say that he is not the type to acknowledge emotions. I suspect that after the accident, your H was overcome with guilt about what had happened to you and never dealt with it. I'll bet that he has felt that your paralysis is his fault and instead of accepting his feelings, he turned his guilt into anger toward you. Please consider you and H getting counseling about the accident. IMO, if you work through the unresolved issues relating to the accident, it will help your M recovery, too. <p>Best wishes to you and your H. Please keep posting to let us know about your recovery.<p>Respectfully,
Estes</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Thank you for replying Estes.. As soon as I caught him involved in the A all the abuse stopped. It's bizarre, as soon as the fog blew out I had my caring, loving, compassionate hubby back. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
I know he feels very guilty about the accident, and the fact he walked away and I didn't. He told our MC that he has to take care of me because he made me like this. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I'd love for him to get to IC, but he doesn't want to go. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] Hopefully in time he'll feel comfortable going. I like you believe 90% of our problems are accident related. I think our MC knows that, we've been really hitting on our individual feelings towards it.
Well, it's bedtime for the kids, gotta go give hugs and kisses..
TTFN...