Can any body explain to me what to expect when a man goes through a mid life crisis?
Affairs??????????????????
I am so very confused..
I have posted my story on Just found Out, if you would like to read it and understand better what I am going through.

I really don't know much about mid life crises. I know that hurting is the pits. Hope you find the answers you are looking for.<p>Elizabeth

Hello Hopeless, Michele W.Davis, author of Divorce Remedy devotes one chapter to Mid Life Crisis. I found it extremely helpful and would greatly recommend it. <p>I find myself re-reading the chapter every night to keep myself on track. Orchid has also posted a thread for MB newbies that I strongly recommend. <p>Take care and know that there are so many (too many) others out there that are experiencing your pain and that can help you.

indiana... I bumped up a post I started in Jan. about MLC. There's some links to other websites on MLC.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=014733<p>Hope it helps.<p>Cali

My husband just turned 49 in November and I do believe with all my heart that he is suffering from MLC.. He is a url that has an article called HIS MID LIFE CRISIS. Theirs are diff thatn womens and this may help. Glenn from it what you think may help you understand his pain.
http://128.121.203.65/hismidlifecrisis.html
HIS Midlife Crisis!!
Will Your Relationship Survive?
You're in a committed relationship, married or involved on an exclusive basis. You've thought everything was glorious. Or, at least as glorious as it gets -- all relationships have some rough spots.<p>It seems that you're always fighting. Or he just doesn't act like himself anymore. He doesn't like his job. He wants to sell the house and get a little place in the mountains or a sailboat and sail to the islands. You're too fat or too thin or too short or too tall. He doesn't like being home. He wants a sportier car. He changes his hair style, starts a diet and joins the local gym. He says his clothes are too old for him. He says you and he have grown apart. He needs time to think about 'things.' He wants space. He wants something but he doesn't know what. He wants a divorce. <p>If he's between the ages of 35 and 50, your man is blazing a trail through male midlife - he's having a crisis.<p>We're not talking about the man who has always been a womanizer, a schemer or generally not the nicest person in the world. We are talking about the man who has up to this point assumed responsibility and been the person you could depend upon in time of need.<p>What you must keep in mind is that he really doesn't understand what he's doing, he isn't deliberately hurting you he just knows that something is wrong in his life and he's searching for the answers.<p>Of course you're sitting there saying, "Whoa! I'm supposed to just be quiet and tolerate his forays into other-woman-land and let's-junk-it-all-and-sail-around-the-world-land or ditch-the-stationwagon-I-need-a-red-sports-car-land?<p>Well, yes. Of course you do have options here. You can rage and make demands that he clean up his act. And probably shortly thereafter you'll find yourself in divorce-land.<p>You see, men don't plan on turning unpredictable. It happens when they look in the mirror or in the eyes of their grandchildren and see themselves as old men. They have, up to this point, believed they were 25-year old boys.<p>One mid-50's midlife graduate says it made him a better person. He has remained with his original wife and their relationship has been redefined to better meet his needs. He has his space and a home in the country that allows him to "entertain" when he feels the need and she has her space and their home in the city that allows her a place to pound on the walls and scream when she feels the urge.<p>Another mid-50's graduate traded the pressures of wife, home and business and now lives aboard a small boat, doing odd jobs to support himself.<p>A mid-60's executive still in crisis has added a 20-something mistress into his lifestyle. His wife waits patiently for the affair to run its course.<p>The Crisis<p>Male Midlife devours relationships. It may be devouring yours. What you must understand and believe is that no matter what you will do, or won't do, the outcome will be the same. You do not have control over him, only yourself.<p>He might not be alone on this search, but you probably weren't invited, and you probably wouldn't have been regardless of the circumstances. You see, you are part of the problem as he thinks he sees it. You don't understand, how could you? He may have met someone else who seems to understand him perfectly, or reaffirms his youthfulness (as with the mid-60's executive, above). But how could anyone understand him when he doesn't understand himself? He's in an emotional storm that will test the patience and endurance of all of those who love him as he comes to grips with the fact that he is no longer 25. He will hurt you. He doesn't mean to hurt you, but he will hurt you.<p>It's a punch right between the eyes when he suddenly realizes that he is getting older. There's so much he hasn't done. Time is running out. He can't keep up this stress of being husband, father, breadwinner! He's getting older - his hair is thinning, his waist is thickening, his muscles are flabby, his face is wrinkling, he's got a t-shirt with little hand prints and 'we love you, gramps' in childish scrawl. He is feeling emotions he's never felt before. And occasionally he is impotent. IT'S JUST TOO MUCH!! HE CAN'T HANDLE IT!! HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE AN OLD MAN!!! Sometimes referred to as 'male menopause,' male midlife is not nice for any of the players involved. It's difficult to say who hurts more, him or you.<p>What Now?<p>Should you try to wait for this crisis to end, for your lives to return where they used to be? It might take the patience of Job and the result may still not be the one you want. He will do what he must do when he must do it. Once he has made his passage he will not be the same. He is at a major turning point in his life, a normal part of the male maturing process that, should he be successful in navigating through the storms, will help him to lead a fuller and more satisfying life, accepting the normal limitations inherent with the aging process.<p>Some men aren't successful in the passage. Suicide rates increase for men as they age. Suicide offers the promise of release from seemingly unbearable emotional pain. Women know how to express their emotions, whereas men are taught to hold their emotions back, to 'act like a man!' For some, suicide is the only way to suppress the emotional pain associated with the midlife passage.<p>His Crisis - Your Problem<p>You need to be aware of what's happening to your man. Being aware will make you less apt to blame yourself for the things going wrong. He will be blaming you as it is, because he knows he's not wrong.<p>There's not much you can do to speed up his passage through this crisis in your lives. He probably doesn't want to talk about it, at least not to you. He may believe that you're the whole reason he feels the way he does. It's not true.<p>You need to understand that this is his problem, it will have to be his solution and what he's going through is normal and you are not responsible. You can't change it or fix it because you didn't break it.<p>You will have to step back and let him whirl around in his search to find himself. He has a need to blame someone for the bad feelings he has - he will probably blame you. He must blame someone for the terrible way he's acting, for the lousy way he feels. He knows he's not at fault, it must be you. Don't believe it. And don&#8217;t try to explain his feelings to him. You can't and he won't listen.<p>Men Are From Pluto
Women Are From Macy's<p>There's no doubt men and women are quite different in how they handle emotional situations and midlife is one of the most notable examples.<p>As a female, you have been trained for your role in society to take care of other people, to be responsible for their well-being, to make things run smoothly. You have been taught to believe that when relationships don't go well it is your responsibility to correct the situation. You look inside yourself for the answers.<p>In the case of his midlife crisis, the answers must come from him. You cannot change his behavior, he must. You cannot undo the training he received as a young boy when he was taught 'boys don't cry,' and to 'take it like a man.' You can only understand that he has been taught that real men don't cry, or express fear, pain, sorrow, love, and joy. You cannot change the situation.<p>If you think you can control his behavior by changing yourself, you are in for a lot of anger and disappointment. This issue is not about you, it is about him.<p>'Real Men' Don't<p>Men are trained to hide their emotions. That doesn't mean the emotions don't exist, they're buried deep in the recesses of how 'real men' act. Let's face it, men are human beings the same as women are. They just don't act it sometimes and they certainly don't act it much of the time they're plowing through their personal midlife crisis.<p>When you get angry it is perfectly all right for you to express that anger. Society says he must be in control no matter the situation. He is trained to appear calm, cold, unemotional, unfeeling. It is easy to believe that he is that way inside, too. Men need to scream and cry sometimes. It's just not allowed.<p>His Financial Image<p>Society measures the worth and the success of a man by how much money he has and makes. If he isn't making the kind of money he thinks he should, he will be angry at the obstacles he believes are standing in his way. He may believe his family responsibilities are holding him back. Time is running out! He has to do something right now. He doesn't know what to do but he will do something.<p>He needs more affection now and may reach out to you. If you respond with surprise or rejection because you don't understand this new behavior, he may find the affection and affirmation of his desirability in the arms of a girlfriend. Nothing personal, you understand, he doesn't know what he's doing. And he certainly doesn't mean to hurt you. At midlife a man will do many things he wouldn't have done before.<p>He's scared of dying. His friends may be developing illnesses, some may have died. He's afraid.<p>He's resentful, frustrated and depressed. He feels trapped by his responsibility to provide for his family. He&#8217;s locked into a job or career that he no longer enjoys because he must keep the kids in college and make payments on the house and car.<p>If he's like most men, he may be in responsibility overload: in need of a break from financial responsibilities and the daily demands of work that he's had virtually since he got out of school. He may resent the fact that he cannot make the choices that so many women can as far as choosing whether or not they want to work and at what. He needs a long break from responsibility but he knows that's an impossibility. He's trapped.<p>How he reacts to this extreme pressure cannot be predicted. Rest assured, though, he will react.<p>What Can You Do?<p>The crisis will not end in a week or two. It may take a year or more to get resolved. You will need patience to let him learn to cope with the new feelings and emotions that are occuring in his life. You cannot do this for him nor can you demand that he seek counseling or talk the problem through with you. You may suggest it but you cannot demand it. It will do no good.<p>Again, understand and accept the fact that it is his problem, not your fault. Don't take the responsibility for his pain and suffering.<p>Give him space. No matter how insecure you're feeling, don't cling, berate, belittle or push him. If he wants more time than usual to be by himself or with his fishing or golfing buddies, don't complain about how little time he's spending with you. He's trying to think his problems through and he'll find a way regardless of what you say or do.<p>Now is the time you must develop yourself as an independent person. You must take responsibility for yourself and your happiness without depending on him for the closeness and intimacy that he probably is unable to give right now. Plan things without him. Learn to depend upon yourself, not him. Allow him to do the same.<p>Do things by yourself and with friends. Make a life for yourself without waiting for him to participate. <p>He may refuse to go to counseling but that doesn't mean you shouldn't in order to better cope with your feelings during this difficult time.<p>Continue to treat him and all men kindly. This may sound like a silly statement, but your confusion and resentment about his current situation may cause you to "male bash." "Dumb men" jokes may seem funny at the time, but they will be painful and hurtful to a man in crisis and to men in general.<p>Reaffirm your love for him, your desire for him, your attraction to him. Tell him and show him that he is the most important person in your life. Do it without smothering, clinging or demanding that he reciprocate the feelings to you.<p>If you make the decision to demand that he straighten up, to demand that he stop his erratic behavior, to demand that he return to the person you&#8217;re most comfortable with, you'll be making a mistake.<p>If you make the decision to nag and whine, you'll be making a mistake.<p>If you think you can make the choices for him or tell him what he should do to feel better or get his life in order, you'll be making a mistake.<p>If you make idle threats about what you will do if he doesn't change, you'll be making a mistake.<p>You are not to blame for the feelings that are guiding his life at this time. However, your actions will help to influence the choices he makes.<p>As hard as it may be to stand back and watch him self-destruct, that is the role you will have to take.<p>Coping with male midlife crisis is not easy. Not every relationship will survive the strain. <p>
The Midlife Club Forum
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Boy oh boy! This post certainly caught my attention.<p>I just wanted you to know. My H went thru MLC. It was pure hell for me. And even tho it appeared that my H was having the time of his life, I know that he was hurting also. It lasted approx 3 years and our marriage did survive. I think it survived because of my understanding and unconditonal love. I did a pretty good job of not letting him drag me down into the pit with him. I took the high road, even when I felt that he didn't deserve it. I am glad that I did and have no regrets.<p>MLC is very real. It is not an excuse or myth.

This sounds so much like my husband. He just turned 40 in October and since then has started an EA with a coworker who is 13 years younger than me. He has moved out, to get his space, wants a divorce, so he can start his life over. This is a man who has always claimed he fell in love with me at first sight and calls me the love of his life and his best friend for the last 20 years. Now he says he never loved me and has been lying to everyone all that time--no one, including his parents, his friends, and myself, can believe that! It's really hard to take, but he won't listen to a soul. I'm praying our marriage survives...<p>camp83

Dear H in Ind,<p>You are not alone! my WH is, according to me, in MLC. I won't say it to him though, because he will deny and will just take longer to finally realize it.<p>And here are some cyberhugs (((((H in Ind)))))<p>I think from what I have read about midlife in Divorce Remedy and other places, a longer plan A may be in order, at least for me.<p>And, while I want to support you in your pain, I feel I must point out that I hate the name you have chosen and hope that you soon grow to the point where that name does not fit and you change it.<p>I am glad you found us, there is a lot of help here.

H in Indiana,<p>A lot of what happened to your H has happened to me: deaths nearby (friend and Aunt), big family changes (2 foster children), big difficulties at work, my W's internet EA....<p>All of these things seemed to come at once and called into question almost everything that I once thought was important. <p>My wife thinks I'm trying to become a "different" person, that I'm opening my eyes to what's around me (family and her). Thing is, I really don't know where I'm going or how to get there...<p>Some of the stuff in morning2U's post really feels like me, but not all of it. Of course, it paints pretty broad strokes. I do feel like escaping... a lot... I imagine that's what an affair really is in this situation - an escape. Sometimes I really wish things would just change, good or bad- it doesn't matter- just so I could be unstuck from this hole I'm in. During those times when I just want "anything" to happen I really don't care too much if my family is getting hurt.<p>Some days I feel happy and "normal", other days the sense of doom comes back. Very much a roller coaster. I wonder sometimes if my W will get tired of this cr*p and kick me out... In some sense that would prove to me that I'm not inventing this, that I'm really screwed up.<p>I'm not sure if this explains anything about what goes on inside an MLC... One thing that's pretty clear (in my case) is that this really doesn't have much to do with my W. She's certainly feeling the repercussions, but I don't think she deserves much of the blame. It's not her fault! <p>I guess I'm also saying that your H's MLC is not your fault either.<p>Good luck... If you find out anything useful please let us know. There are a lot of us out here trying to find our way though this mess.<p>Jeffers