1. I was overconfident. I thought that because we had a fairy tale courtship that nothing bad would ever happen in OUR marriage. That we would just sail on effortlessly. I took it for granted that things would always be good and they'd always be easy. Ha!<p>2. I underestimated and chose to ignore my H's passive aggressive tendencies even though I did see that in him. If I asked him to do something and he didn't do it, I'd ask him again (sometimes twice) even though I knew that asking more than once ticked him off<p>3. I had blind trust. I never in a million years thought he'd cheat on me.<p>4. I underestimated his need for admiration. I gave him plenty of compliments and encouragement but it wasn't enough. On the surface he doesn't come off as a needy person at all, but I have since learned that he needs a LOT of ego stroking.

I guess then my contribution was:<p>I trusted him with my heart and soul. Never again.

Mine was easy to figure out because my hubby told me. He just wanted to be wanted. Then it becomes a "chicken or the egg" thing. He wasn't wanted because he wasn't fulfilling my emotional needs. Since the A, here's what WE are doing right:
HIM (WH): Helping around the house.
Spending money on me.
Being more romantic (flowers etc).
Insisting I take a break sometimes.
Taking me out on dates.<p>ME (BS): Greeting him at the door when he comes home from work.
Kissing him (I mean really Kissing Him) again.
Coming on to him.
Flirting with him.
Loosening the purse strings so he feels he has a say in money decisions.
Complimenting him.
Snuggling with him. (I never had time to stop and let him hold me.)<p>I'm guilty of many of the things the rest of you have listed, but thought I'd reply in a manner of how we are fixing the problem instead of listing what was "broke" in our marriage.

Ok, I promised that I’d be back to contribute here.<p>My story is much like MelodyLane’s. We were we engaged for 21 months and married for 9 months when I found out that he had been carrying on PA’s with 10 women he met on the Internet.<p>I do not feel that I contributed anything harm our relationship. I never had a chance to meet/or not meet his needs. Through the entire time he told me that he was happy, in love, etc. I had no clue.<p>But there is one thing... Looking back, there were clues that I ignored. I knew it was too soon after his divorce to be involved. But I did not want to listen to my head, because if I did I’d loose him. Then there were little things like his son telling me that if I knew the truth about his dad I’d dump him. When I tried to get an explanation his son said he was kidding. Now I don’t think he was.<p>After we were married I made it very easy for him to continue. I took up a lot of the slack at home. He travels a lot so I really had no choice. I knew that he was chatting with a few women, but he would tell me about that so I felt it was OK. I was never the jealous type. I am now. I trusted him totally and blindly. I now know that this is not a good thing in a marriage. When he spent hours on the computer I did not insist that he stop ‘work’ for the day and join the children and me.<p>So while I did not contribute by not meeting needs, once married I made it far to easy for him. Things have changed around here.

I came back to this thread because I realised I probably sounded both really flip and probably victim-modeish.<p>Seriously, I did see the red flags. Where I went wrong was in not asking my then-fiance about it, not expressing my feelings of unease. Instead, I talked to somebody else. So from the start I too failed in honesty and openness. When my H mentioned XOW, I left him with the false impression that I was comfortable about her presence in his life. I do acknowledge full responsibility for that.

Z,<p> I saw this post and wasn't sure that I wanted to add to it, but here it goes.<p> 1. I use to just listen to her about her prblems and always worried about her before me.<p> 2. I allowed life to get in the way of my family.<p> 3. I alway thought that she would never do something like this. She knows that I love her and that I would make it up to her.<p> I guess that this is the price that I have to pay for that, but I didn't tell her to go and find someone else.<p>Indy<p>[ March 12, 2002: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by zorweb:
<strong>Ok, I promised that I’d be back to contribute here.<p>.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>zorweb,<p>Did you see any red flags? Looking back I didn't see red flags, but RED SIRENS!! Such as finding numerous emails from other women, one that said "sorry I missed your phone call earlier!" And a growing cold distance and disinterest in me. Through some sick, deluded daze I justified this as just .........I don't know. Juvenile games? Looking back I am so shocked that I didn't confront it. I have had pretty good judgement most of my adult life.<p>But in my defense, here is where my head was during that time:<p>5-99 Husband of 19 years leaves me
10-99 Son killed in auto accident
11-99 Other son left to live with dad because I grounded him
12-99 Divorce Final
12-99 Engaged to new hubby<p>In December of 99 was when I found the emails above. But more than that, MY GUT WAS SCREAMING THERE IS SOMETHING VERY WRONG HERE! I tried to tell myself that I was too rational to listen to "gut feelings" so I ignored them. My God, looking back I am astonished at how dazed and how utterly pathetic my judgement was. Talk about IMPAIRED JUDGEMENT!<p>The reason I went through with the marriage is that I did not think I could bear to lose one more thing. I could not even bear the thought. I really thought I would crack. And I was in such a daze, I may have.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>Did you see any red flags? Looking back I didn't see red flags, but RED SIRENS!!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>ML, I saw those red sirens when I was engaged, too, but only discussed with a close friend. My H had a 1 night PA 2 weeks before our wedding (I found out 1 week before wedding, but thought it was 1 time thing). I also would hear my H dialing the phone in the middle of the night, but never got up to investigate. The OW sent me their recent emails and he was disgustingly sappy to her and making plans to take care of her. Ick!<p>Since being married he's had on-line relationships, met one out of state and sucked face with a coworker last October.<p>So to answer this post...<p>1) I was too passive!
2) I was too compliant!
3) I loved and trusted him blindly!<p>I put this man before myself and my 2 boys and we have suffered (my boys and I). Never again... not for my H or any other man who comes into my life (after D of course).<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

1. I based my self worth solely upon my H.
2. I needed validation from others to supply me with self-esteem.
3. I was unable to stand up for myself. I could not find strength within myself. (I do now!)
4. I did not seek out others, other than OM, to find support.
5. I did not go seek IC on my own after my H refused MC.
6. I screamed and yelled at my H when I saw that our M falling apart vs. acting like a strong, intelligent, adult. (LB'ed to death!) This only causes the spouse to defend & distance themselves further.
7. I did not educate myself on EN's, when they possibly could have been utilized to make it through the rough 2 years.
8. I believed any negative statements made about me and became a victim (pathetic, I know).
9. I destroyed any hope in saving the M we had. I am blessed that my H is still around to look forward to the new M ahead.

Well I thought about it, typed a huge response and yanked it. I have to condense it. But one thing that THIS thread has helped me realize is that I played a major role in the disruption of our marriage. <p>Very disenhearting. Now I feel worse about my marriage, than I ever have before. I haven't owned up to everything that I did in the marriage. Alot of what I did was my fault, but some of it in correlation to my fears of my wifes' honesty. That doesn't make what I did right, or justified, but proves to me that we WERE'NT able to communicate to one another. Mine out of fear OF the truth, rejection, and her leaving.<p>I guess I'll have to explain that if its not understood.<p>I'll compose a list, small one, and post it here in an edit. This is going to take some time to work out.

1. I made it much too convenient for my H and former best friend to spend time alone together (giving rides to work, going for walks, etc.)
2. I was much too trusting
3. I avoided conflict
4. I spent a lot of time with family members due to serious illness
5. I always put his needs first
6. I took on way too much household responsibility, which gave him lots of time to spend with her
7. I didn't have good listening skills
8. I assumed that he would be faithful

Well, first off, thanks Zorweb for the post. These are the types I enjoy. I want to think and figure out what went wrong.<p>My list is really like so many others.<p>1) I gained weight, my problem not his.
2) I lost interest in sex.(Interst is back on my part, now he has no desire. Talk about a taste of your own medicine.)
3) I lost interest in doing any of the things we used to enjoy together.
4) I relied on him totally for any kind of life, socail etc.
5) I lost sight of my goals for my life.
6) I stopped talking to him.
7) A big one, I withheld informtion about my past because I thought if he knew he would not want me. I did not give him all of me before we were married. When the info came out, it was said out of anger and only to hurt him.
8) I assumed our love would pull us through anything. Even when I knew we were unhappy, I figured our love was strong enough and we would "end up" OK. I never imagined for a moment he could stop loving me.<p>There is more I am sure. These are the top ones I can think of.<p>Needing

Hello, POV of WS here........<p>1. I had a preconceived notion of what a husband and father was supposed to be. I fully expected my husband to treat me the way I expected to be treated. I cried out loud and silently and it didn't help. I didn't realize I had to actually accept him and his love the way he showed me....I was always wanting more and different. I didn't accept him for who he was.<p>2. I didn't know how to communicate with H. I always blamed him. I felt like if I talked at him instead of with him he would get the message. Now that I think back on it, I feel terrible. Imagine what it must have been like for him to have list upon list of love duties. I imagine he was pretty overwhelmed. I'm sure he shut down because he felt like he just couldn't do it all.<p>3. I didn't realize that my needs were above and beyond what anyone on the face of the earth could provide for me.<p>4. I started thinking about me and only me.<p>5. I didn't take any responsibility in the household. Hubby did most everything and that led to his resentment and that led to me wanting to get away from him and seek my own happiness.<p>6. Basically, I expected the impossible from my husband and I looked down on him because he couldn't work miracles. I had so much displaced blame heaped on his shoulders....no wonder he didn't try harder. <p>7. I thought sex was the only "umpf" he needed. I equated sex with love and expected that as long as I gave it to him he would never fall out of love with me.<p>8. I took him for granted. I took his love for granted. I took his presence for granted.<p>9. I didn't appreciate him and the hard work he did for our family.<p>10. I became completely self-absorbed....did I mention that already?????<p>11. I felt like I was a prize worth having but inwardly I felt like I didn't deserve anything.....and took it all out on him.<p>There are probably many more. Man, was I effed up or what? I was a terrible partner.<p>You know, it just irks me when I see an WS point fingers of infidelity at their spouse. Well, maybe the BS didn't, but how elemental was the WS? Just how much leeway was provided for the BS? The WS has just as much responsibility in that relationship as the BS. Failed expectations go both ways.<p>selket

selket.. wow, just wow... seems you've come a long way