We are certainly not inside your head. You know how you feel about this woman. You know you. and you know your W. And you are right, you DO have to figure this out on your own.

Please read these links. These are some Q&A letters from this web-site. This advice from the Harley's, along with our own experiences, is what we have been trying to communicate with you. You came here for a reason. YOu had some very strong feelings for a woman besides your wife. I believe you are being defensive now, and justifying the whole as if it was nothing.<p>Please read. k? and if you want, please come back and tell us what you think. I just quickly picked out a few that might apply. There may be more stuff you'll be interested in if you'll go plundering through the MB website.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
Dishonesty. Most affairs develop under the cover of lies. They begin with a casual friendship and develop into a very intimate and compelling bond. They usually surprise both people having the affair because of the intensity of it all. But if a couple has learned to be honest with each other, the relationship is nipped in the bud as soon as the friendship grows into an infatuation. As a husband and wife discuss the relationship, they decide together that the friendship is too dangerous to their marriage and they end it before it gets too far. If a couple follows my Policy of Radical Honesty, an affair is almost impossible for an affair to take root and ruin a marriage. <p>Mutual Consideration. As you know from reading my books, mainly, Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility, I recommend the Policy of Joint Agreement to all married couples. When you follow that policy you make every decision together, taking each other's feelings into account. It's pretty obvious that your husband's affair would never have gotten off the ground if it had required your enthusiastic agreement. <hr></blockquote><p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5032a_qa.html<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5028d_qa.html<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5024_qa.html

I have read these sites, but I believe that since my infatuation with this woman is over, it would serve no purpose for anyone -- her, her family or my wife -- for me to start telling my wife about it.<p>That is like setting off an A-bomb when it is not needed

I'm glad your infatuation is over. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] that's a great step. I hope you'll reconsider telling your wife. She has a right to know. She deserves to know. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Good luck, and I hope you'll stay around for awhile... keep us posted, k?

I have read these sites, but I believe that since my infatuation with this woman is over, it would serve no purpose for anyone -- her, her family or my wife -- for me to start telling my wife about it.
Then you haven't read (or failed to understand) too much on this site (or other similar sites)
I guess honesty & openness have no place in marriage?<p>That is like setting off an A-bomb when it is not needed
But something set you off to have an affair. Getting it out in the open to your wife will help to understand what happened and why and how to NOT get in a similar situation again.
Not that I am saying you should just drop it on your wife. It is something which needs to be done very carefully (not craftily, as in trying to get something over on her) and to take her feelings into consideration. Yes it will hurt everyone involved but she did not ask for this.<p>As far as telling the ow family, I don't think it is absolutely necessary. After all, you will be the bad guy (an understatement?) from their point of view. But she should fess up for the same reasons you should.

I can tell you there is no way this OW will tell her family. In her mind we were just friends. It was me who thought it was more.<p>I can tell you that I will not tell my wife. It seems way to drastic and destructive

MM,<p>That is your decision. The consequences are also yours. I can tell you this much. There are those here at MB that have not told their spouse and weeks, months or even years later, it comes back at them. In various different ways but it comes back. <p>Why? Because avoiding conflict is not a secret. You avoid it here, it will show up somewhere else. If the tables were turned, would you want to know about a family 'secret' on your deathbed, from a stranger, after something happened to your W? That has happened to many. Not a pretty sight. The rest of those peoples lives are basically scarred more than if all had come clean and moved forward. <p>Take your pick. Both will be a bitter cup to swallow but one will last longer. <p>Whose to say that your W doesn't already know? <p>For me? I am the BS and W, I can tell when something doesn't smell or feel right. My instincts are right about 98%. <p>JMHO,
L.

MM,<p>You know, your position on not telling your W about this OW is very shaky, if you really look at it! You think that no one will ever know, and claim that it was all you as far as the feelings between the OW and you were concerned. But, didn't you say that she returned the kisses, and, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't she also sit on your lap at one point? She was sending you these signals for some reason, and it wasn't because she liked the way you did your job! You know, I kept my first A a "secret" from my H for almost 6 years! It killed me every time something would pop into my thoughts! Why, because I knew I had done something wrong, and broken my wedding vows! That's from someone who did keep the secret for years! As for the other side of the coin, my H kept his A's a secret from me for years as well. You know what? We have both forgiven eachother, and are working to repair the damage we BOTH did to the marriage. So, again, I am speaking from experience! If you don't tell your W, this WILL come out at some point, and it will be much less painful now than it will years down the road. Because you will have added all those years of being dishonest with your W.<p>Tigger4

You're playing Russian Roulette. <p>Either tell her now and "together" work on what brought you to have an A ... or, WHEN she discovers it on her own, you will have two strikes against you<p>Strike One: You didn't tell her ... SHE FOUND OUT ON HER OWN<p>Strike Two: Her perception will be your entire marriage has been a lie, esp if it is years from now WHEN she finds out. Whereas, your perception will be it was the past and meaningless history.<p>Jo<p>[ March 10, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

When things were most intense with my friend she: Held hands with me, I stroked her face, and her hair. I gave her a shoulder massage. She sat on my lap and leaned back against my face. I sat on the floor and held her in my arms. Kissed her hand. Kissed her twice.<p>She never initiated any of these things, but never told me to stop. This all happened over a couple month period.<p>When I kissed her she did not passionately respone, nothing like that. Never any sexual touches on my part, and she never was the one who reached out and stroked my face, etc.<p>She clearly got something out of it, but she never revealed what.<p>I would say that I was in an EA, but not physical because I see that as sexual involvement.<p>But all that is over. I was the one who was ver intense and she was more reserved. Now that I have backed away, I assumed -- nearly 100 percent sure -- that she will not all of a sudden start pursuing me. I dont see that happening.<p>But it is over.<p>So why tell my wife.<p>I, for one, would not want to know if my wife had done this. <p>I made a mistake. For sure

MM,<p>Did you know that lies (of omission or comission) are a way to control someone. In keeping the truth of what has transpired in your marriage from your wife, you are attempting to control her from making her own decisions. <p>You are not allowing her to make her own decisions based on the TRUTH. She married you of her own free will, she has a right to the truth to decide for herself and not be controlled by lies.<p>JMVHO<p>Jo

Are you trying to convince us your KISS on the mouth with this woman, whom you have a huge fantasy for, was NOT sexual for you, MM?<p>Jo<p>[ March 10, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

The most emotionally intimate thing my H could ever possibly ever do to show his love and respect for me would be if he would voluntarily tell me all about his affairs complete with the kind of details that you have told us about. If he would do that without me having to wonder, and obsess about it, my pain would quickly diminish. I can always tell that he "leaves out" certain information, and I feel it in my heart and it hurts terribly to be on the outside and not be able to see in. What went on with his OW is not a private thing. Even if I did not suspect a problem, I did not give permission for my H to pursue another woman, and I did not ask this woman to behave the way she did with my H. One problem with me not knowing what was going on was, I did not have the choice of saying, "no I do not want you to have contact with this woman, it hurts me, it scares me, she has come into our marriage uninvited by me, end it immediately". Having to find out by accident is a shocking experience, being told of a problem without even having to ask is an act of love and respect. I have told my H that every breath I take is his business, past, present, and future. The horrible hurt and anger I mentioned earlier is about being lied to, in fact I have very little anger about the A, it is about knowing that there was this little secret thing going on behind my back, it's about being made a fool of, and the worst part was that even though my H knew he did something wrong, and said he was sorry, for a long period of time he did not break contact with her, he insisted that they were "just good friends". That is the ultimate betrayal, to have the person you love most in the world refuse to give up a freindship that has caused me unspeakable pain, I don't think he ever really got it that the mere thought of them being within 100 miles of each other made me nearly vomit. In my wildest dreams I can not imagine myself refusing to give up a frienship with a man if it bothered my H. I know you think none of this pertains to you because you so far have been successful at keeping your secret. Your ow made an absolute fool out of you, dont let her make a fool out of your wife also.

mm... I wonder if you think that we advocate you just sitting W down and blurting it out?<p>well I don't. I would think you would want W supported... perhaps in marital counseling? Perhaps utilizing the MB counseling center...<p>Perhaps just getting the workbook "5 steps to Romantic love" and work w/ Wife together...<p>One part of book is questionnaires... The Personal History is where this would come in... where your EA would be revealed...<p>At that point she would be familiar w/ MB... POJA... & other principles... and on the questionnaire she and you would agree to REWARD honest and to NOT PUNISH if new information was reveal that was upsetting...<p>...but I don't advocate rocking her world out of the blue... however... it will always be between you if you keep it to yourself... and secrets like that become WALLS...<p>Cali

MM,<p>There is another poster here (selket) who is struggling with this same question.<p>You say that you wouldn't want to know if your W had a similar secret.<p>Perhaps you can tell your W that you don't want to know her secrets and ask her if she feels the same way. That is the respectful thing to do. <p>You're making decisions without complete information right now- exactly what openness and honesty is supposed to prevent. Why do I say that? Because you don't know how your W feels about this issue... and now that you have this secret to hide you'll probably never feel comfortable talking with her about openness and trust.<p>Jeffers

To me this was not a sexual affair. Again, we are talking about what was in the past. The issue is how to deal with the future. And I don't see how bringing up the past serves any purpose but to hurt a lot of people.<p>I agree so much with the MB priniples, the Love Units, etc. But the policy of radical honesty I think works only if the affair is already out in the open. <p>To bring it out in the open seems to be hurtful and the path to destruction.

mm, I'm sure you saw on your other thread - I believe it was BeenTheredunThat... one of the last few posts - this morning I believe... gave you a few ideas on the future... moving forward...

That is a beautiful post, Replaced. Thank you for expressing yourself so clearly. I'm saving it as a classic. Thanks.<p>Best wishes,
Estes

I think that we are talking about different things. First, I don't think my friend made a fool out of me. She never did anything. It was me who made a fool of myself.<p>I agree that if an affair is made public, it is good to be honest -- as honest as the BS wants it to be, regarding details etc.<p>But if it is not public, why would anyone bring it up. I know this friend of mine is not going to talk about it. I am not going to talk about it. So it dies, right then and there.<p>To talk about it would only hurt four people.<p>I have to beleive that there are millions of people who have had affairs, learrned from them and kept it a secret and moved on with their life and vowed to be a good spouse

One other thing, I wonder if this could even be considered an affair.
I had dinner with her maybe five times over four months, a couple lunches -- all for business. Talk on the phone everyday when she is going home after work. My wife knows she calls me to talk about the project.
I dont see her in person even once a week. even e

mm, I have to ask you again: Why did you come here? Was it an inappropriate relationship or not? Did it affect your feelings for your W? <p>As you have pointed out, perhaps you should begin thinking more about the future. What to do next. How to improve things in your marriage. How can you and your W be more open and honest about things? Have you identified your W's top 5 Emotional Needs? Have you made a list of what she would consider Love Busters? Have you identified YOUR top 5 Emotional Needs?