Hello all.<p>Some might remember my name. I posted a few times and almost always linger.<p>W and I (BS) have been in a successful recovery since 11/00. D-day was 8/00. I guess this makes me an old-timer here. My thoughts and prayers are with all, as I know the pain, rollercoster, and all the s***t associated with infidelity. I have also known the good things that can come from recovery.<p>W and I have a much better marriage now. Since recovery, she has been a different wife and person. Her A (i think) was a combination of many things, such as me not meeting EN's, her "almost 30" crisis, our inability to communicate, her new sense of independence at the time, and OM's talent for BS'ing his way into our lives. We went through a rollercoster of a recovery, but things have evened out now. We can talk about the A w/o me going crazy, and she does what she can to help.<p>My question is this...This far in recovery is it still fair for me to bring up some old questions that I'm pretty sure I have not gotten honest answers to? I have dug and dug and have found out many details, mostly through snooping and pressing W. She is honest with me now about everything since the A, but has never really been forthcoming about details except when I already have discovered them. These are things like...did it really start when she says it did, are there any BIG details that she has been able to hide through a good recovery...<p>These issues, i think, will not seem important to her now. They probably shouldn't be to me either. Why are they still on my mind? I could:<p>A. Try to talk to her about them. I could get the same old answers that do not make sense. It could be that there is no "unspoken truth" out there and look like an idiot. I could get answers that are more honest. She may have even forgotten some of these by now.<p>B. Keep this garbage from the past to myself. Continue with recovery without being positive that I know some of these things exactly. Possibly, keep these issues harbored within me and screw up recovery because the uncertainty continues to dog my true happiness.<p>Any thoughts?<p>Good luck to all.

Hi,
Glad to know that your recovery is going well! That's probably the main thing to consider. Will knowing the answers to your remaining questions change the direction of your recovery??? If the answers will not change any of the main things about your recovery, then maybe it would be good to let the questions go and decide for once and for all that it doesn't really matter.<p>If it is important to you that your wife admits the truths that you already know, then that is a different issue and maybe you can explain to her that you can't move forward and you are STUCK until she is willing to come totally clean? Maybe tell her that her unwillingness to admit certain things is what has you frustrated and stuck.<p>However, perhaps you should wait until you have the right words to say so that your wife knows you are not trying to ruin all the progress you have made. Sounds like other than this issue, you are doing very well! Congratulations!!!

Thank you so much for your reply.<p>These are things I suspect happend, but do not know. I think I have been back-sliding on the part of plan A that involves self-improvement and making yourself better. It is in those times that I obsessively think about the A and search for more answers. In the end, does it ultimately matter that I know these and is it worth the risk of LB'ing? Probably not. I know the basics of what happened and I need to move on now. I guess i need to stay away from the board at this point also, as it is a trigger for me.<p>Life has much to offer in recovery and otherwise. I want to experience those things now and not muck around with the A stuff that sucks.<p>Thanks again, and good luck to all.<p>JB

Is there anything she could tell you about the A that you would be unwilling to forgive? If you are certain you want to move on, and have forgiven ALL, then the revealing of details will probably only serve to set you back. Maybe you could reach an understanding with her that you don't really want to know more, but you want her to agree that no matter what you ask, she will reveal the truth. Just knowing the truth is there for the taking might make you decide it is not necessary to ask for it. (Hope all of that makes sense! )

I don't think it is unfair to ask, but I do want to throw some caution in the wind. You talked about how some things don't make sense. For me, it took 4 years for me to make sense out of it myself, let alone be able to relay "why" to my husband. Sure, the facts of the A can be told. But, I was even cautious as to what I would tell in regards to the facts.<p>I personally was running from my painful M and had no self-worth to speak of at that point. I had so many other options, but I didn't grab ahold of any of them. I had an A.<p>So, then the A is over and the painful things I ran from, waited for me to return. So I was faced to deal with an even more compounded mess - marriage AND AN A! Did I want to cause anymore pain? Absolutely not! So I was selective as to what I would reveal at first. Some of the facts would be left out. Although, my husband hasn't asked about them. Maybe he will someday.<p>I would ask all the questions you need to complete your puzzle. Talk with your wife about this need. Are you having triggers? Tell her about these too. If she can ride the horrendous waves with you, more comfort may be able to be found in the end. This may make your triggers and questions fade over time.

johnny bBallgame,
Yes I do remember you, which scares the H&ll out of me. I&#8217;ve been here way to long. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Funny thing is I just went through this after 18 months and came to the conclusion I HAD to know. This question gets asked quite often around here, for me it all boiled down to this.<p>I have a right to know every detail about the offense, which I have been trying to recover from and it is unfair to be expected to forgive someone when you do not know what you are forgiving.<p>I will say this, I got my answers some were revisions of past untruths and some were quite ugly. Yes it hurt, but I finally know and hey I asked!<p>This is a decision only you can answer.<p>Good to hear from you,
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