Well, looks like things are going to start getting interesting, dont think W is handling Plan B very well, not that I expected her to.<p>I was supposed to take the kids home at noon today, we had agreed on that earlier this week. About 1 hr before I was to take them home, W calls, said I have to have them until tonight, she wasnt going to be home, and that was that, it was basically an ultimatum.<p>I expect that things will continue on like this, that W will be doing a lot of this kind of stuff. So how do I handle myself, it isnt going to be easy, that I know. Problem is that I want to see the kids as much as possible and the only way is to contact W about visitation. Beside that, there is no other reason to contact her.<p>So for those in Plan B mode, how to I keep from getting wrapped up in W's game, what kinds of things to you do to keep a level head and stick to your guns of no contact whatsoever, and if contact is made, keep from LB-ing all over the place. And, how many have had WS who finally ended the A and started to makes steps towards recovery.<p>What about the kids, how do I tell them what is goping on without telling them exactly waht it is that thier mom is doing.<p>All advice and suggestions would be appreciated.

WS’s almost always act up with Plan B. They hate it when the BS starts enforcing limits. <p>If your W is going to leave the kids with you like this. Then be flexible and keep them as long as you can. In many cases the WS will slowly back out of the children’s lives. I know that this is not the best for the children, but it is better for them to have one responsible primary parent then have a primary parent who just jerks them around. So if she is going to leave them with you until tonight. Keep them. Let her initiate any contact to pick them up. If she did this in a recorded message, keep the message so that she cannot accuse you of withholding or kidnapping the kids.<p>There is no way you should be giving your W the kind of power that allows her to dictate when/if you get to see your children. You, as the father have as many rights as she does. My XH did a lot of this type of thing until I had an attorney draw up a time-sharing agreement. Then I made sure it was followed to the T. Took a lot to do, but there has been some peace in my son’s life since my doing that.<p>Well, looks like things are going to start getting interesting, dont think W is handling Plan B very well, not that I expected her to.
I was supposed to take the kids home at noon today, we had agreed on that earlier this week. About 1 hr before I was to take them home, W calls, said I have to have them until tonight, she wasn’t going to be home, and that was that, it was basically an ultimatum.
You may benefit from an appointment with Dr. Harley on setting your boundaries in Plan B and in how to tell your children and how much to tell them. They have to be told something. And the more radically honest you are with them the better.

Z-<p>What you said about the WS slowly backing out of the childrens lives, I think that W has been doing that already. I hear my kids tell me all the time how W never has time for them, how she is always too busy with her friends (which is basically the OM) and is never there for them emotionally or physically. Is so sad, D2 told me today how she is jealous of other kids parents, the ones where both parents have time for them, whether the parents are together or not. She also told me that she feels like W is not proud of her for anything she does, that I am the only one who expresses how great they are.<p>I did tell my oldest 2 today that I was no longer having any contact with W, that it was between us, that it had nothing to do with them and that I will see them as much as I possibly can. I also told them that at sometime theydeserve to be told the truth, that it isnt fair to them that they have to be living in this state of limbo, wondering what the real reasons for mom and dad separating are.<p>I am planning on seeing a C next week, the one we originally went to see right after DDay. She is a big advocate of boundaries and I think also follows MB principals. Hopefully she can guide me to some answers as well.<p>Next question- how do you dis-associate yourself from all the LB-ing that WS is doing. I still so love her, but if this continues, it is going to get to the point where I may despise her and all she has done to the kids and me?

LHS,<p>I know a few ways you can handle this and slow down your W's LB's, but I am not sure it is best for your marriage.<p>1. Tell you W you well keep all message left for you on the phone.<p>2. Tell you are going to tape all conversations with her. She can talk or shut up, that is her choice.<p>3. You keep a log of all the time she fails to do what she said with the children. <p>4. Ask the children when she leaves them unattended, and note it in the logs.<p>5. File for custody of the children, based on what she is doing.<p>The first several will slow down the LB's. The latter will help with custody issues. She is not the type of woman you want Mothering your children right now, and if it comes to it you can and will be the better parent.<p>The purpose of this is to protect your children. Your marriage may or may not make it, but I think while in Plan B all you want is her to do what she says with the children and to not talk to you.<p>Think about this. Plan B as two roles. <p>1. So the WS can see what life without will be like and to preserve your love for your W. The last point being the most important.<p>2. The second purpose is to prepare for the dissolution of the marriage. Sadly, Plan B does a good job of this as well. It gives you time to get your equalibrium back, get back on your feet emotionally, and address how you want your future to be.<p>Your future should include what is best for the children no matter what your W decides.<p>Think about this stuff LHS.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

LHS,<p>I 2nd JL's items/notes/suggestions. Why? Because I have done that. Kept the logs, tape the conversations, made notes, prepped my child, etc. At some point, protecting the WS has to stop. Why? BEcause they are not protecting the family. That is where and when plan B is important and helpful. <p>Right now, H is home but he knows that when he steps outside of the family, I will not be responsible for him nor his problems. In other words, I have plan B'd him in advance. See I don't trust my H yet. He knows that. He also knows that I will do what I need to protect myself and son even now. WhY? Well, he is still vulnerable and accessible to the OW. Even though he says they have not talked (he has refused her calls), it will only take 1 call to put him back in her bed. That is not acceptable for me. We had that reminder conversation just this morning since the OW (who said she would never call again, called again twice!). So much for the OP keeping their word and same goes for the WS in the fog. <p>Think about this and then proceed with caution. Plan as if she will do her worst. Prepare your children to know what to watch out and report on. Also let your children know you love them. They will be able to see the truth. Kids have that knack. Put it to good use. <p>Take Care,
L.

JL and Orchid-<p>I agree that the keeping notes is important and I will do just that, starting with todays reschedule. I also told the kids to do the same, to start a journal where they can express thier feelings about what W is doing and how they feel about it. Not to really use against W, but as a way for the kids to get thier feelings on paper, it has helped me, I think it will help them as well.<p>When I brought the kids home today, I saw that W had her arm in a sling, apparently she dislocated it again, who knows doing what. Much as I wanted, I did not ask her what happened or if she was alright. Looks like she is headed for surgery, wonder how she is going to handle that, maybe Om can help out, after all, they did discuss him becoming a step-father to my kids, hope his W is ok with that.<p>A huge test is coming up for me. Realized that 3 kids are going to be out of school for the next month, and the 4th will be out for 2 weeks during that time. I know W is going to be calling me to take them. Question is, I do want them as much as possible, but I dont want it to be so easy for W to use me as a baby sitter, any suggestions?<p>The whole custody thing really needs to be looked at, but it will cost $$$ to do. I am already looking at a 2nd job, maybe I can pinch pennies and when August comes around, and (if) the D gets filed, I can go for custody then.<p>I'm still have not given up, I still am wanting the M to be reconcilled, but wonder how long I can hold out. I am afraid that a time will come where I no longer want her as my W, that too much damage has been done, guess I will have to cross that bridge when I get to it.