My WH moved back home after a year of living with his OW.The entire time he was gone he would always come over to visit me. He promised when he moved back that he would only see her in business and then it turned to only seeing her when I was at work and next thing I know he's spending the night at her house.<p>I told him to leave again(he was here for 1.5 weeks).I told him to get his stuff out and that if he wants to come over and do his paperwork he has to do it when I'm gone. I told him I don't want to see him.<p>I really do'nt know if he will even care. I do know from previous experience that he may come around in a couple of days and tell me that it's almost over with her and want to spend time with me. What a dummy I've been. I always knew in my head that I shouldn't take him back until it was already over with her but I would always give in.<p>Not this time. He has to earn me back if he has any interest in me at all. Why would I even want a man that's depressed and can't figure out what he wants in life????Why would I even want a man that is potentially going to hurt me again??<p>He's not getting back so easy this time, if ever.
He's got to work on himself in a big way.
It's been over a year now and I must start creating my own life.<p>I pray to God to keep me strong enough to make absolutely certain he's better and over his OW before I let him move here again.<p>I need a tough love approach. I need to set certain boundaries and criteria so that I know it is for real. I also need to get on with my own life so it is really fulfilling without him. <p>Any ideas friends?

Dear Mazey,<p>I am soooo sorry you are being forced to deal with this again. A false recovery....yes, but you can turn that into a working recovery for you. <p>When my H did that, each time he asked to come back the stakes went higher and higher. H even said, I don't know why you let me stay, I said I am not, I asked you to leave and I don't want anyone who associates with the OW or anyone like her to be on this home. <p>Now on the flip side, the OW was lowering her requirements. Even offering to pay his way out to get his own place since WS told OW if I kicked him out, he would not go to the OWs place anyway. <p>That eventually turned into him telling her that he did not want to live with her because he did not love her. Now she is attempting to lure him with $$$ or promise of $$$$. <p>Whereas my standards say, you live here you need to show value and earn our trust back. I also told H that it is very hard to keep track of someone I don't trust and I don't want to do that anymore, now he needs to make that easier for me. I put that as one of my needs. <p>Well this is some of what I have been implementing. Seems to be working for the moment. <p>Hope it helps.
L.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Why would I even want a man that's depressed and can't figure out what he wants in life????Why would I even want a man that is potentially going to hurt me again??
<hr></blockquote><p>Because he is your husband, because you love him, and there is nothing wrong with those feelings. It is so hard for us to just turn off feelings we have had for so long and to give up relationships when we have put our heart and soul into them. <p>It may be time for you to go to Plan B. <p>Has there been anything that you used to love to do but don't do anymore? Since I gave [censored] the boot I have been reading books again. He would always complain that I didn't pay any attention to him while reading, so I put my books on the back burner. Now I am tearing thru them like crazy. The library ladies think I am a stich. <p>What about volunteering? Nothing puts you in your place like a little perspective. Our paper always has requests for people to volunteer with meals on wheels and with the hospice program at our hospital in town. <p>I hope you are doing ok with all this. It is alot to go through in 2 short weeks.<p>Elizabeth

Orchid-Thanks. I've been wondering about what is happening with you.
It sounds like we are in similar situations.
My WH has at least got his own place now so he doesn't need to live with her anymore. I really wonder about what's going on with them. I have a feeling she uses money, or promises of more business since she's in the same business, to lure him back. My WH loves money. I told him when I asked him to leave again that I know his prioritiies are with his business and not with his M, and I can't accept that.Funny thing is, his business declined in the last year he was with her-first time it's done that. But he doesn't see.It makes him want to hang on to the business he gets through her even more.
I think we're too good for our men and they need to "pull up their socks", as my mother would say.<p>justthewife- I appreciate the comments about moving on. My counsellor told me not to let the OW be the focus of my thoughts, and this is so true. I don't need to give her that power!!! My own life can be too full for that!

Maezy,
If he has his own place this time, why would he need to come to your house to do his paperwork?<p>In our last separation I told my H just the opposite of what you did, he couldn't come into the house without calling first, and not without either me or the kids here. His decisions had led to him not living with us, I couldn't go walk into his house....<p>If you are setting boundaries, I'm not sure what the benefit is of him rambling about your house when you aren't there.<p>We were separated 7 times, so I obviously know all about the swinging door, and though I made a couple tries at Plan B, I failed and wasn't good at setting boundaries until the last time. My counselor advised me to act "as if" we were divorced...I wouldn't be his best friend, his comforter, his counselor, his lover.<p>When my H wanted to come home, I didn't say yes. And, he began to do the things I had asked for before (even though I was done asking at that point), accountability, the A was ended and though they still work together, no personal contact, email & voice mail passwords, he didn't go to bars, he did go to our counselor, he set up a male support system (not the party guys that had helped & influenced his A, a men's Bible study).<p>Even if we hadn't reconciled, he put himself back together and re-prioritized. His actions, continued over about a 3 month period were enough to show me that he was sincere. Believe me, it was difficult to have any hope about a 7th reconciliation...but that was 22 months ago, and we're doing good.<p>If your H doesn't make any changes before he moves home, he isn't likely to start them when he has moved home. First reconciliations seem to be quick and more spontaneous, and if the A is over, that can be the right thing, but you don't want to get into the swinging door trap...I probably had as many abandonment issues as I did A issues.

HI Maezy- I am like you in that I never set firm boundaries of behavior with my H. Now 15 yrs later he walks all over them.He even told me during his A that he considered me to be one of the kids that needed him to decide everything! I was so happy when he moved back in last Spring that I thought the rest would be easier than dealing with his vacillating back and forth between us during the A. Nothing has been as hard as the recovery I've been going thru since.I spent my time in many Bible studies each week wondering why I cant seem to truly forgive him. I have come to realize that not only do I have strong resentment and felt like 'leftovers' that he came back to after OW, but he has major trouble not LBing with me- ie.- blaming me for things not my fault, easy to anger, disrespectful judgments, ordering me to do what he wants etc! This has set my recovery back big time. In fact these things he was doing drove me emotionally apart from him for several years BEFORE he began his A.One person can not make a couple recover without the other one stepping up to the plate. I have begged, pleaded, reasoned with my H for a year now trying to get him to change and value me and our marriage. We are finally seeing a new Christian psychologist She said I have had the wrong Christian ideas aboutwifely submission, turning the other cheek, forgiving him easily, not holding him accountable etc. She said God expects spouses to show respect, kindness and caring toward one another.God finds each of us worthy. I told H 3 wks ago my love bank was dry and I was on the verge of leaving him. Our counselor assigned him to read the book Surviving an Affair. He has been reading it the last 2 wks and I have noticed alot less LBs from him lately. Do I trust that he will continue that way? No way! Actions speak louder than words and I need to see prolonged actions on his part. Can you relate? I dont want him just to talk the talk- he better WALK the walk or I"ll walk!!! I encourage you to examine how you need to be treated and gain the courage to insist on it. lifeismessy

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by MAEZY:
<strong>My WH moved back home after a year of living with his OW.The entire time he was gone he would always come over to visit me. He promised when he moved back that he would only see her in business and then it turned to only seeing her when I was at work and next thing I know he's spending the night at her house.<p>I told him to leave again(he was here for 1.5 weeks).I told him to get his stuff out and that if he wants to come over and do his paperwork he has to do it when I'm gone. I told him I don't want to see him.<p></strong><hr></blockquote><p> I'm sorry this is happening. I was kind of afraid of that when you posted about your H coming home and "weaning" himself from the OW. I suffered through 2 false recoveries myself. The second time he asked if he could "come home gradually". Ugh. He wanted to stay here afew nights a week and at his "empty apartment" (since he denied OW the whole time) the other nights until he was ready to "come home all the way". No thanks! After the second false recovery I did set boundaries. No more revolving door. He was still welcome pretty much anytime but he had to call first and the next time he chose to come home it had to be for good, not temporary. He had to be 100% sure that was what he wanted. I also instituted a failed Plan B ( I took one of his calls 3 days later) that seemed to really shake him out of the fog. I knew I couldn't handle him coming home and walking out again. I was emotionally and physically drained.

Maezy, <p>It is definately time to protect yourself. One of the steps in doing this is to decide what you need to recover in the marriage if that is still what you want. A very wise woman on here (BR) has told me numerous times that I need to write down what I need to recover in my marriage. I am working on that list. Some of the things on the list so far are no contact, accounting for time, spending quality time together, being open and honest, etc. Before you consider taking him back again I think you should do the same. <p>Just a thought.
Sinking

After talking to my WH this morning I set some boundaries. I will not see him. I told him that a separation means just that-separation, not him coming over when he feels like it. I feel absolutely miserable after standing up to him.Why?<p>Lor-What does it means to act as if divorced??How did you do that?When your H wanted to come home and you didn't say yes, what did you tell him?<p>lifeismessy-Thanks again for your support. I answered you in "Emotional Needs"the other day. I don't know if you've had a chance to look at it. I stood up to my WH today and now I feel like crap. He told me he is unsure of "us". 2 weeks ago he was telling me how sure he was. He keeps saying how we've both changed and need to get to know each other again. He used to say that he wondered if we could change enough to make it work.!!!!Frustrating!!!I assume you are a "nice girl" too. This can be very unhealthy. What number child are you in the family? I'm 4th of 5. My counsellor told me that this can have an impact on my personality.What did we ever do to deserve this kind of situatuation?<p>Fairydust-I really need some pointers about what to say if WH should ask to come home again.I have told my WH that he needs to call first too, should he decide he ever wants to talk to me. He never could pick up a phone, even when we were together 25 years.<p>Sinkingfast- This is such a good idea to write this down. Do you think it's good to share with WH or keep to myself?I was thinking that maybe a BS could lead a WS back by setting boundaries and expressing needs a little at a time.I'm not quite sure how this would work. Any thoughts?

Maezy- hi again! Yes I am a lastborn as you might have guessed- I had 2 older brothers and a dad who was very controlling like my H is! Imagine that! I am really working hard lately on becoming emotionally stronger because I have never cried so much or felt so desperate as I have in the last year since H's affair.H vacillated back and forth between OW and me for several months and would move back in but be emotionally NOT HERE! That was worse than the monthshis living in OW's condo when it was up for sale.( She took a job transfer to another state but even THAT didnt stop their emotional affair part of things- H called her there and she would come back on wkends to be with him and fuel the fire.)All the while he was denying having any contact with her to me! Our recovery has not gone very well because he LBs so much- being disrespectful,blames me for things the kids do or how the house looks after the kids mess it up, dodging questions about his affair, ignoring me when I am crying in emotional pain etc. A close friend finally told me that I need to become emotionally well by MYSELF regardless of how my marriage turns out. I have gotten alot of inspiration from reading Bevely Engel's books- The Emotionally Abused Woman and her Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman. These books are terrific and I highly recommend you read them too! Believe me your H pushing your boundaries continually and taking advantage of emotions to get back into your house is control that he has over you. You need to get stronger like I am doing! I have taken off my rings about 3 wks ago and told H that our marriage is in critical condition!I am worn out emotionally from trying to fix it all by myself! Amazingly since I have taken this strong stand with him he is reading the book our new counselor told him about Surviving an Affair and taking notes on it! He has stopped LBing so much and it is so refreshing after years and years of that. I just hope it lasts!I cant go back to the way things were before. Take care- lifeismessy

Maezy--"as if" divorced is like I said, not his lover, his best friend, comforter, counselor. It's how you would treat him if you were divorced. Cordial, polite, discuss the things like finances or taxes or housing or kids that must be discussed but don't ask about his life, how he's handling "things", nor sharing what you do. <p>By the 7th separation in 21 months, I was pretty burned out, drained lovebank, so it was no longer difficult not to be eager at another try. I said something along the lines of "what would be different this time? how have you changed? why do you want to come home?" Then I said I would need time.<p>It is scary to try something new, like you said, you stood up to him and felt miserable. But, you aren't the one who is behaving badly, the way he is treating you is hurting you and you need protection from that.

Hi Maezy- I was thinking of you today! How are you? I just ordered the book and workbook called Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud off the used online bookstore. Are you going to get those too? I have a new thing I am saying to myself every day now- I am worthy in the eyes of God, and I deserve to be treated with Respect, Kindness and Consideration. I have told my H this several times in the last few wks. Believe me he is treating me better now than BEFORE his A! Maybe there is hope for us yet! lifeismessy

Maezy - For now I would not share any of these things with him. What you are doing is deciding what you need to recover. For you to show him the list could be seen as selfish demands right now and he is not at a place to want to protect you. <p>I plan to give my list to Steve Harley and if my WH decides to reconcile the only thing I will tell him is that I will consider it after he calls Steve. Steve is actually going to be the one to ask for these things. This is what Steve and I decided on a while back when WH started coming around more and acting as if he might be interested in me again. This way WH does not see these as selfish demand, but more of a plan for recovery. Coming from me they would have emotion attached.<p>I am sure there are others here that could help you with others way to ask for what you need if you do not have a counselor to act as go-between.<p>Hope this helps.
Sinking

I get such good advice and ideas from you guys!!<p>I had a session with a counsellor today. She suggested that because I have such a hard time keeping boundaries with my H that I should try taking control by telling him what I want all the time instead of waiting for him to act first. She said that I am trying to set boundaries that I do not really "feel" like setting so it makes it very difficult to follow through. <p>This was a huge weight off my shoulders because I don't really feel mad at him very often and I'm happy to see him when he visits, even though I 'shouldn't' be. But by me calling HIM up and saying,"I feel like going out with you tonight," or "I don't feel like seeing you today", it puts me in the driver's seat. Whether he follows through with my requests is not as important as the fact that I'm voicing my feelings, which I have not done enough of in the past.
Counsellor said by getting in touch with my feelings, I will find it easier to set boundaries.<p>So, at her suggestion, I have asked him to leave me alone for one week, after which I will begin to let him know what I want in life. I won't be sitting around waiting to REACT to him because I'll be the one acting with purpose.<p>This kind of fits in with what you guys have said to me but with a different twist to it. Wish me luck!

Maezy,
You go girl! I am so proud of you. I know it was hard.
Can I amke as uiggestion? Print out this thread, your first part and hang it on your bedroom mirror.
be strong, you are not alone

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by MAEZY:
<strong><p>
Fairydust-I really need some pointers about what to say if WH should ask to come home again.I have told my WH that he needs to call first too, should he decide he ever wants to talk to me. He never could pick up a phone, even when we were together 25 years.<p></strong><hr></blockquote><p> Well I just told my H waht the situation was. I knew that I couldn't emotionally handle another false recovery and I made that clear. So I just told him straight up - "I still love you, I still want this marriage to work and I will give my all to working on things BUT the next time you decide to come home it has to be for good. You need to have made your final decision and be sure that we are what you want. You have to be totally ready to devote yourself to us." and when he came home the last time, he was.