Gosh darn, I have been reading posts on this board now for only a month, but goodness, it seems to me that there are so may here that are just giving in to the whims of their wayward/betraying spouses.<p>Forgive me if I have the rules wrong, but heck, this seems very unfair to me. If a person steps out of a marriage and has an affair, then they should be coddled back? Or am I just way out of line here? Sorry if I am being difficult, I do not mean to be, i am just trying to understand the dynamics involved here.

Hi Lyndy<p>I don't think your stepping out of line. I used to think the same way. But, imo if you want your spouse back, there is no better way to start.
If you start off by being a great big ***** and wanting revenge, why would they want to come back?Personally, I would run for the hills and probably think to myself, that's why I had the A. Look at my spouses actions and behaviours, why would I want that person? I don't want to be with someon like that.

Sorry Patient (sp), I guess I was not clear on where I was coming from, my bad.<p>I have been divorced for almost 7 years now, raising two great kids on my own without any input from their father (including monitary)<p>I have dealt with the loss, the anger, the children's pain and the pain of my own, I just cannot understand why people continue to crush one another's souls. Sorry, I am just wondering where the anger ends, and the healing begins

You have a good question. One that I struggled with when I first came to this web site. <p>It is not about coddling the WS. It's about people growing to be the best they can be. Then if the both spouses decide to recover the marriage, there are proven techniques that work.<p>If you are interested I'd suggest that you read the material on this web site and the Marriage Builders books. I would also suggest that you read the material and books on the Divorce Busters web site. IMHO the two methodologies fit together very well, each giving a different part of the equation.<p>Even if you are not married right now there are things that you could learn from this material that will benefit any future relationship you have.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by lyndy666:
<strong>Forgive me if I have the rules wrong, but heck, this seems very unfair to me. If a person steps out of a marriage and has an affair, then they should be coddled back? Or am I just way out of line here? Sorry if I am being difficult, I do not mean to be, i am just trying to understand the dynamics involved here.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Lynne~ First I need to say I love your name. My daughter is also A Lynne, Savannah Lynne that is. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] I found the board long after I let H stay. I told him either me or her; I'm nobody's second best. The only part of the whole program I don't personally agree to is to Plan A while he/she is still seeing the OW/OM. I'd rather Plan A alone than know he only here cuz he can walk all over me until the OW gets tired of the game and ends the affair or it naturally ends. Well his affair ended naturally enough.. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] naturally I found out and it ended or he wasn't staying here. That's just me tho, but I do see what your saying.

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Read up some on the principles. It's all about making improvements to ourselves, while we wait for the affair to die it's natural death. in a nutshell [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I completely understand your question. It's common... it's very common to see plan A'ers come on for a reminder from time to time, of "why am I doing this again???" [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Faith1:
<strong>You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Read up some on the principles. It's all about making improvements to ourselves, while we wait for the affair to die it's natural death. in a nutshell [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I completely understand your question. It's common... it's very common to see plan A'ers come on for a reminder from time to time, of "why am I doing this again???" [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Faith.. True you can catch more flys with honey, but when is enough enough? Having a nice, loving W at home who doesn't want to LB will only aid in the WS to continue his dispersectful activities, just not have the bullsh*t at home to worry about. I can't see standing by waiting the affair die natuarally. If everything is peachy at home and he obviously enjoys both relationships the WS can wait YEARS for the affair to end natuarally. Why do that to yourself? You can improve yourself without a man/woman rubbing in your face that he's having an affair. Maybe that's me.. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

hopin,
Have you read the principles on the MB web-site? Here's link I think will answer your question... better than I could. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] This is the Harley's concepts of How to Survive an Affair.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html<p>There's 2 good links in my signature line also.<p>I understand your questions, believe me. We all have them. The basic concept here, is that affairs usually end within 6 months to 2 years. During that time, the BS can provide an environment that the WS will want to return to. We are trying to save marriages here. Too many people end marriages too easily today. These principles are not for everyone, nor are they a guarantee... but they give us a pretty good chance of saving our marraiges, and at least learn what happened and how to prevent it in the future.

Faith.. Yes, I have read the principles.. Like I said I agree with the whole thing except that one thing.. Seems too much like giving them their cake and feeding it to them. <p>I'm not trying to be arguementitive, just trying to understand. Hopefully H and I can recover from this and I never have to let another affair "die naturally" ...<p>[ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: hopin2heal61497 ]</p>

One point that I believe is being missed here is that Plan A is meant to last a short time. Not months and months.<p>Seems I've heard that most people can only last a week or two in Plan A when their spouse is having an affair.<p>It's meant to be a short period in which the WS is given an opportunity to end contact and agree to work on the marriage.

Can I jump in here? I think that there is a tendancy to over compensate on the BS part which in some cases causes an enabling of the Ws and therefore the A. <p>But it takes a while to see that. Remember that many here are in shock. D/d is still new to them, they are in a daze and very very hurt. NO one will believe or understand what they are going through. <p>The pain seen here is the same pain many carry who are not on MB but dealing with this on their own. Even with the support of MB, I still suffered. Imagine if I was all alone. <p>So this is a growing place in many ways. New people and people growing within themselves. Basic concepts from Dr Harley provide direction and guidance. No mandatory but helpful info to read and digest. Then each must decide what to apply in their personal lives. Some are able to make better application than others and some are able to understand better than others. No guarantees here. <p>Venting is helpful. We can't harp too much on the new ones here, they are hurt and in great pain. Remember most of us went through that kind of pain also. <p>I remember when I first came, I did not think I would last the week, then the month, now I have been here for over 1 year. Yet, when I read the new posts, I can see and feel my pain over again. It is not the fault of the newbies here, because I did the same to those here before me and yet they kindly and patiently helped me along. Believe you me, I am sure I stressed a few out here. I was stubborn and hurt. In addition to that I was dealing with psycos and very much in the dark. <p>Once I understood the info here (at least began to understand) and learned to regain my footing I was able to move forward. I took a few steps back periodically but most of the momentum was forward. <p>For that I am thankful to all who helped me. In turn I try to do the same. Just sometimes, you see a few who try to hurt not help, that gets my dander......this board has helped more than any of us realize (except for those who have been here a long long time). They have seen several on the verge of giving it all up. Many here have spent late nights helping others just make it through both men and women (ws and bs alike). <p>I have seen a lot here in my the short time I have been here and have a lot of respect for many. <p>JMHO,
L.

Please, do not misunderstand me, I was not pointing fingers, I was really just trying to figure out if anything that I can say here is of any use. I do not wish to cause any disharmony, I really meant well. Sorry to offend.<p>Respectfully,

I for one think your thought are worth reading. There has been a few instances here at MB where gross disrespect been shown but a few visitors. I don't see you name in that group. <p>Please continue to post. K? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

Zorweb~ Thank you.. You answered my question. I can understand a few weeks to end contact and such, I couldn't see waiting even a month. I would drive myself nuts.. <p>Orchid~ I think you got what I was saying.. Give 'em an inch; they'll take a mile.<p>Lynne~ You didn't cause any disharmony... I was going to post the same question, I just "borrowed" your post.

hopin2heal61497<p>I watch people here who have been Plan A’ing for months. I think that the longest I’ve seen is 18 months.. and that fellow may still be plan A’ing. It’s an individual choice. <p>Like you, I could not go more then a short time. I do believe that short Plan A’s with a swift Plan B is the most effective. In my case I really did not plan A at all. I thought that the marriage was over on d-day. He’d cheated on me the entire time I’d known him. I think it’s safe to say that he plan A’d me.<p>It’s different for everyone. <p>Have you read the book ‘Surviving an Affair’? It explains the reason for Plan A very well. I has a lot to do with the culpability of both spouses to the deteriorated state of the marriage.