I will just say up front that no matter what you say I have already said it to myself so there will be no hurt feelings here.<p>I went home for the weekend and met up with WH on Friday night. He came over and things went fairly well after he got there. Actually, Friday was good. He stayed the night and we had a nice time.
Jump forward to Saturday. We got up and did some running around. I went to see some friends and family while he went to a birthday party for a friends kid. He was only going if I wanted to go see my family. SInce they do not know that we are seeing each other and would not approve he was not going with me. One less thing to deal with right now. He was going to go by his apartment and pick up some more clothes on him way back to the house to meet me again in the afternoon. We both pulled in the drive at the same time and everything seemed OK.<p>He took a little nap while I read and then he got up and we went to dinner and to new car show. Still everything was OK. At the car show we ran into my uncle and his friend. This seemed to bother him a little, but we still were OK. Then on the way back to the house things went bad.<p>We were driving down the hiway and his car died. No warning and it is a new car. We pulled off the road he looked at some things under the hood and called for a tow truck. This is where things start to go down hill.<p>WHile we were sitting on the side of the road waiting for the tow, guess who calls? You guessed it the OW. He answered the phone said that he was sitting on the side of the road; said "right here" (she wanted to know where I was) and then said all right about 25 times and said good night. I know you are all praying that I left it alone. NO!<p>I asked who was on the phone. At first he did not answer me but after about a minute he told me that I know who it was. Well it came out that she did not expect him to answer the phone while I was with him that she was just going to leave a message. I told him that I couldn't believe he would do that either and I did not appreciate it. He also told me that before I left for New York five weeks ago that he told her that he needed to use this time while I was gone to concentrate on how he felt about me and the marriage and he asked her to keep her distance that he thought that they should not see each other much or talk much and that she understood that he needed to do this.<p>Is he crazy? Does he really believe that she is ok with this? Is he just telling me this or is she really acting like its OK? I was wondering how he was having time to spend with her if everything he was saying about what he was doing while I was gone was true. I asked him how he could concentrate on me when I was gone all but two day every other weekend. He said that what he needed to figure out was if he could walk back into the marriage and make it work or if he should be alone. He said that he knows he needs to make a decision soon because this can not keep going like it has. I asked him if he had concerns over me and he said "absolutely none" that he knew that I could make this work he just needed to see if he could or if that is what he wants. I asked him if he could get her completely out of our lives if he decided to make the marriage work and he said yes. I told him that it would be the only way I could recover if he decided that is what he wanted. He also said that she knows that we are sleeping together again.<p>A few minutes later I told him that I was sorry that I talked to him about this and he said that I needed to talk about it and that I needed to tell him how I feel. Things went OK after that and I got back on the plane Sunday morning for the last two week of this project.<p>One thing really bothers me about her supposedly keeping her distance. She knew I was home for the weekend and if she is not supposed to be calling much why did she call when he would likely be with me? Most likely answer, she whated me to know that she was still around.<p>I am now trying to set up an appointment with Steve to get back on track. RIght now I feel that I have let everyone that is cheering for me down as well as WH and myself. I should have handled this better. I should have not said anything to him when he got off of the phone. I can't go back, so I need to pull it together and move forward. <p>Thanks for listening.
Sinking

Please don't beat yourself up over this. Personally, I don't think you did anything wrong. How could you not ask questions? <p>Similar cell-phone scenarios happened with my ex and the OW, in my presence, at the beginning of our separation. It is completely gut wrenching - I know. Yes, I did ask a zillion questions whenever that happened. And yes, I wish I hadn't but, in my case, it wouldn't have made a difference. He never once talked about reconciliation. I think that hurt even more. He was with me one day and gone, and I mean GONE, the next.<p>Good luck to you. I really hope it works out for you and your husband. Sounds to me as if you are handling this fairly well. Limbo sucks but you can get through this with grace and dignity.<p>Love,
BB

RIght now I feel that I have let everyone that is cheering for me down as well as WH and myself. I should have handled this better. I should have not said anything to him when he got off of the phone. I can't go back, so I need to pull it together and move forward.
[/QB][/QUOTE]<p>Sinking....
Don't beat yourself up about this. I also think you pulled yourself together fairly well, as you said. You apologized, and set things right. You didn't LB badly, and were able to TALK to him calmly, it appears. Let it go. It's over, you can't go back and UNdo it. Whatever will come of it is already in the works, so forget it.<p>As far as HER motives? What do YOU think?!?! She's trying to show you her "ownership" of him!! SHE wants you to LB, to get tired of it, to tell him to "take a hike", etc. Forget it!! Let her make a complete fool of herself, clinging while he's with you....you just continue to be "patient, kind, understanding" & loving. THAT will bring him running home...<p>You're doing fine, as far as I can see....hang in there.<p>God Bless,

Thank you both so much for your responses. I did try to react calmly since I could not stop myself from reacting. I did not raise my voice or get hysterical. Both a total 180 from before d-day. <p>I called to get an appointment with Steve, but he is booked this week and out of town the next. I have made it this far, I can make it for 2 1/2 more weeks.<p>Thanks again.
Sinking

it sounds as if you handle it well. No big LB's with a major tigger.<p>the OW wanted you to know. sounds as if she is Plan Aing also.<p>just hang in there.

OK, now I have a question.<p>I have not been calling him while I have been gone because I did not want to risk talking to him on the phone if she might be around. I send him e-mails and cards. Should I just call anyway. If she called to let me know that she was still around, I could just turn that back around on her. Why should I let her stand in the way of me calling to talk to my own H? Aren't I just giving her power over me by not doing something I would normally do if she wasn't in the picture?<p>Any thoughts on this?

Hey SF ~<p>As we talked about earlier - your H needs to feel that you want/need him. So when you don't call him, its a LB.<p>Yes, its disrespectful on his part to answer the phone (at least I think so) with her present. But weren't we talking about how to let her know without LBs that you still love your H and that you are still involved?<p>So what can you handle? If you can call him, and know that she is present on the other side of the phone...can you navigate the conversation without LBs? If you call him and LB, you do double damage...you ADD to her confidence and you weaken his love.<p>I say that as long as you are in Plan A, you do what your H needs. Since NOT calling him is an LB...go for it [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks BR! I actually thought of the calling him thing after we spoke. I started thinking that what I told him about not wanting to call while she was there is true, but for the wrong reasons. Why should I let the OW and what she is doing affect what I do. I would call if I knew she was not around so why shouldn't I call just because she might be there. And besides, if what he said was true and he is using this time to concentrate on us then she should not be around much.

Hey Sinking!<p>Sorry I didn't reply sooner - not even been at my computer lately.<p>But I'm here now and certainly not happy to see you beating yourself up over this, love! I really don't think you did anything wrong. Okay, yeah, so you asked a few questions and initiated a bit of R talk - so what? We can't all be perfect in our Plan A endeavours and it certainly didn't seem as though you made your H angry by it. <p>Yeah, I would agree with the others that OW is spraying her territory in a sense. Like a cat, you know? She's trying to get your goat and it worked. Don't give her the power. I've always found that the more I obsess on the OW and what she's doing/saying/acting like, the less energy and power I had within myself to focus on ME. I mean, how scary is that? Yuck!<p>And I totally agree with Bramble, as usual! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] If calling him fills his lovebank, then why stop doing it when you know OW is around? It's tricky, though. I used to do this with my H, just to give the OW little hints that I wasn't going away so easily. It started to make my H nervous and upset because he then, probably, had to deal with OW after he got off the phone with me. She would likely LB whilst questioning him about who he was talking to, which would make him feel miserable and cornered, and then guess who would get the blame? Yup, ME, because I had called and instigated it all. The fog is a weird place, isn't it?<p>And that's all I can really say on the matter. Apart from driving home, again, that I really don't think you did anything wrong. I think you're a star, darlin! Keep it up!<p>love and hugs,
VE

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by SinkingFast:
<strong>...I did not raise my voice or get hysterical...</strong><hr></blockquote><p>OR snatch that phone away from him and toss it into a ditch! <p>I too think you handled yourself very well... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank all of you for your responses yesterday. I feel so much better today. <p>VE - I hope you have not been at your computer lately because you are so busy taking care of you. <p>You are right about him not getting angry. He actually got very protective of me and was trying very hard to make me feel better. <p>I thought of a few more things that he said last night while I was trying to go to sleep. After he told me who was on the phone I just matter of factly stated that this could not go on forever because it was hurting me. (Steve Harley told me three sessions ago that every once in a while if the opportunity presented itself to tell him that the situation hurts me. Not to go on about it just to state the fact and see where it goes.) Well I saw the opportunity Saturday night and I said it. His response was that he understood that and he realized he had to make a decision quickly. He stated that he had asked the OW to do some things and she was doing them. I thought that he was saying that he asked her to take care of some issues they had and he would stay with her. I looked at him and asked him what kind of things. I still can not believe that I stayed calm through this considering what I was thinking. That is when he told me that he asked her to "keep her distance and not call so much." He told her that he needed the time that I was gone to figure some things out. <p>And of course you and BR are both right about the calling him thing. In fact, I was going to call him last night, but he beat me to it. I did send him a really nice e-mail yesterday too.<p>BINthere - never thought of throwing the phone in the ditch. Her maybe, but not the phone. <p>Thanks for the support.
Sinking