I have tried everything to get my wife to give up the OM and work on the marriage. She insists that the OM is not in the way but continues to see him. Wont go to counseling, talk, consider reconcilliation. <p>She saw my copy of "Surviving an Affair" - snooped through it. I had offered it to her to read because the concepts are great and it deals in reality. But is this a good idea or are the details better left unread by her?<p>How do I get her to agree to plan A?

personally I purposefully didn't share my copy of Surviving an Affair with my H last yr when he was in the thick of it.I do think its an excellent book because it points out how BOTH partners in the affair are thinking and how affairs usually progress over time. My H is reading it NOW because our marriage counselor has assigned him to read it.He is getting ALOT out of it now but that's because his affair is definitely OVER.In fact he called me from the airport this morning telling me how he never realized before how much he was doing the lovebusters until reading this book! I believe if he had read it last yr while still emotionally involved with OW he would have seen it as a manipulation plan to 'get him back' then go back to NOT trying to meet his needs. OW encouraged this type of thinking with H while in their A-she kept telling him I would never forgive him longterm and I was only staying with him for money, our house etc etc!!!!Your W doesnt have to 'agree' to Plan A- that plan is all about how YOU the betrayed spouse can improve your own life AND try to identify and meet the unfullfilled neesd of your wandering spouse. They dont need to know about this- it is something that you DO. However it will drain YOUR love bank quickly if she continues on in her affair and when it gets to be too much giving on your side you need to implement Plan B. Take care- lifeismessy

Good advice. OM has convinced her that I am manipulative and controling so likely if I offer that is what it will be considered. <p>But I would love to expose her to this info. Is leaving some of it laying around ok? She has already told the children she is having an affair so its not like I am creating a problem here. <p>Or do I just seperate myself from her as she is attempting to do with me? <p>Please help<p>John

How do I get her to agree to plan A?
If you could "get" her to agree to Plan A (meeting all your needs & expecting nothing in return and doing nothing to upset you) why not get her to agree to give up the affair & do everything in her power to restore your marriage?<p>Plan A is something YOU (betrayed spouse) do to bring the wayward spouse back into the marriage. It is not need an agreement from her to do.<p>Plan A is a one way street. You do EVERYTHING. You expect absolutely nothing from your wayward spouse.<p>If she wants to read it let her. I would suggest you don't even ask her to read it. Just let her know you are learning to understand some of the things you have been doing wrong in the marriage and are working on correcting these mistakes.

Hi John- If you would like her to read some of the MB principals why not print out some of Dr . Harley's online articles he wrote about emotional needs, lovebusters and infidelity. That way you could pick out what you think your W would be most receptive to without her thinking that you might be manipulating their affair with Plans A and B. Also Harley wrote a great book called His Needs, Her Need which share the MB princpals without focusing so much on infidelity. This all said- remember that as long as your W continues contact with OM, HIS influence not yours is what she will be placing importance on. Personally my H's OW( she was single and worked with him so he saw her every day) was VERY manipulative and tried everything possible to get H to divorce me and marry her. She even wanted to be step-mom to my 3 kids and here I have been a stay at home mom for 15 yrs !!! I definitely wouldnt have showed my H the book Surviving an Affair during that time. With emotional affairs they are as hard to break up as an addiction believe me! In fact Harley himself used to counsel drug addicts and that is where he began to realize how love affairs are an addiction too- in fact they produce brain chemicals that give the lovers a high just like drugs! SO THINK about what you're dealing with here- in my case it took me being in Plan A for several months , then Plan B, then H filed for divorce due to pressure from OW, then H moved back in and went to counseling at my insistence but he wouldn't participate, then he went thru a several month emotional withdrawal from OW, and now a year of counseling later we are STILL Trying to fix things and H has just NOW agreed to read the Harley book and is beginning to see the light. Does your W consider OM to be her soulmate? If so you could go thru all the things I have! YIKES! lifeismessy

Did I tell you that my H's OW even befriended ME to get to H more fully? She did me several favors to 'get in my good graces' while she went after my H and even told me I could have the afternoon off while my H and our 3 kids went over to her place to bake xmas cookies! that's the day she started fantasizing about being my kids stepmom! Sick isnt it??? Lots of crazy things go on in the minds of people involved in affairs! lifeismessy PS If your wife wont even consider ending the affair I suggest you move to Plan B more quickly than 6 months. I also would suggest you read the book Love Must be Tough by James Dobson- GREAT book!

lifeismessy and Chris (CA123),<p>Thanks for the advice. I have read Dobsons book but think I need to go back and read again. Problem is, I want to save the marriage but she "doesnt want to". Not much leverage. OM also befriended our family to do the same. Went camping with us, 4th of July etc. Delivered sister in laws baby, had my father in law stay at his house while recovering from pancreatitis (8 weeks) even after the affair was exposed. And to top it all off, he started seeing my wifes counselor "for help with their relationship" in order to tell her his diagnosis of co-dependency etc. and documented it in his journal which I have seen. Talk about manipulation. She went to counseling with him but not me because as she put it, he and I arent having problems - you and I are. How backwards is that?<p>I printed the article on what an affair teaches children and the co-dependency article and left them lay in our/my room and I am pretty sure she has read them. No comments but she probably realizes that they were not just out by mistake.<p>Had pre mediation mtg today, feeling kind of sad. I do not want to go through this! It doesnt have to happen, but she refuses to try. What a shame. She says the kids will be fine - ha.

It is scary how similar many of our stories are related to WS who won't give up OW/OM. Mine works with the OW and she keeps giving him some baloney line like "all I want really is for you to work things out with your wife" -- what a crock considering that while she's saying this she is sleeping with him. Please. My WH falls for this.<p>My WH has agreed to only have a professional relationship with the OW. He doesn't see that's not possible/that is how the whole thing started. Besides, he has definitely had long conversations with her since promising that he would not have contact with her outside of strictly work-related conversations. <p>Like you I am really struggling with what to do. I need to schedule a phone session with the Harley's I think. Plan A doesn't seem to be an option so much when they WS won't extricate themselves from an OW they work with -- even if it is just an EA at this point (my WH can't see how this is a problem). <p>I would be curious, lifeismessy, what you did? How long did you planA? Plan B? Any advice for us that are in this situation?

Well my story has been long and complicated because my H had a very intense EA/PA with a single coworker and by the time I insisted he confess it to me it was to the point where he told me he was leaving me for her and didnt love me at all anymore! Serious Fog warning! This was Valentines day 2001 I told him I could forgive him if he ended the A right away. He wasnt interested in that. He kept seeing her every day at work and after 10 days he stayed out all night with her.I followed plan A for a few wks but H didnt respond to it and said he wanted a divorce and was looking at apts and lawyers on his lunch hrs at the urging of OW. Of course he insisted that OW wasnt INFLUENCING him!!!! ( at this time she was telling him that they were soulmates and that I would toss him out after a few months if he came back to me).He hadnt wanted any physical intimacy for the 7 mo he was involved with OW. We did go see our pastor once and a counselor once - H rewrote our entire 15 yrs together saying he was never emotionally bonded to me.That he just wanted out and he wanted me to agree to an easy divorce to save money. I refused to do so. So I read the book Love Must be Tough and went to Plan B and asked him to move out to think. He left right away and OW offered to let him stay in her condo where he spent the next 6 wks. ( she had taken a job transfer to another state but came back on wkends to see him). After her condo sold he had no where to live so he came back home promising he would change. He didnt. He slept on the couch for wks on end not kissing me or talking to me except to mention divorce. I would cry for hrs up in my bedroom and he didnt care. Finally OW told him that if he didnt file for divoce on me she wouldnt sleep with him anymore so he did. The night he was served though he finally started crying and cancelled it the next day. Then he went thru 4 mo of emotional withdrawal from OW. Finally he did end his secret contact with her after I caught him lying to my face on several occasions.We went to counseling for the past 8 mo and I got alot of anger out of my system about the affair. But now we're back to the same underlying problem we had before. H devalues what I do as a stay at home mom and criticizes me way too much. I am finally getting emotionally strong enough to stand up to him. We are going to a new counselor now who says I failed to put strong boundaries on H regarding the way he treats me. That is the root of of marriage problems. As you can see- recovery is possible but it takes a great counselor and BOTH of your partipating. One person CAN'T fix it alone. lifeismessy - age 39 yes really !mom to 3 great kids

Whoops- I see a typo in my story- I meant to write I was served with divorce papers by him in mid -April. This was about 8 wks after I found out about his affair. lifeismessy PS I come back on here to the GQ board trying to help BS who are dealing with a spouse who is in heavy emotional fog because I totally understand the devastation it causes

Thank you for sharing your story lifeismessy. I am also a 39yo BW. I wish I were a stay-at-home mom, but haven't been fortunate enough to have children. In fact, that's why I got really suspicious last year about the A. I finally thought I was pregnant and told my H and he looked at me like I had just announced that his mother died. He was upset that I might be pregnant. Of course at that point, he denied anything was going on -- that is was just that our relationship had been dead for a while and that he couldn't imagine why I'd want to have a child with him then. I guess thankfully I turned out not to be pregnant (in light of what I've learned since then I guess it's fortunate).<p>I did not find this website until after I had kicked my H out. I actually asked him to move out before I really knew for sure about the A -- I suspected and he kept denying and he revealed that a year ago he had been with a prostitute. I just couldn't take it and asked him to move out. On the day he moved out I discovered the A with the co-worker OW (appeared to have been going on for about 8 months/soulmate declarations, etc). So, I've been attempting to planA with WH from afar. I don't think it is working very well.<p>It is really hard not to engage in any kind of discussion about our relationship or the OW. I feel like I'm biting my tongue so hard I might bite it in half.
I apologize for intruding on somebody else's post -- it just seemed like a similar situation.

Thank you for sharing your story lifeismessy. I am also a 39yo BW. I wish I were a stay-at-home mom, but haven't been fortunate enough to have children. In fact, that's why I got really suspicious last year about the A. I finally thought I was pregnant and told my H and he looked at me like I had just announced that his mother died. He was upset that I might be pregnant. Of course at that point, he denied anything was going on -- that is was just that our relationship had been dead for a while and that he couldn't imagine why I'd want to have a child with him then. I guess thankfully I turned out not to be pregnant (in light of what I've learned since then I guess it's fortunate).<p>I did not find this website until after I had kicked my H out. I actually asked him to move out before I really knew for sure about the A -- I suspected and he kept denying and he revealed that a year ago he had been with a prostitute. I just couldn't take it and asked him to move out. On the day he moved out I discovered the A with the co-worker OW (appeared to have been going on for about 8 months/soulmate declarations, etc). So, I've been attempting to planA with WH from afar. I don't think it is working very well.<p>It is really hard not to engage in any kind of discussion about our relationship or the OW. I feel like I'm biting my tongue so hard I might bite it in half.
I apologize for intruding on somebody else's post -- it just seemed like a similar situation.