How did you get to where you and your spouse could openly speak about the A without it being an LB. I have a need to discuss it, and know more. I feel this is holding back recovery as my ws has "secrets" about the A he will not reveal.<p>I want to know it all. He says I do. I know I do not.<p>He is being good and telling me quite a bit... most of all I do not lb about it, but I have been shocked a bit by some info I found out about her. I find it hard not to talk down about her... or say what I think about her.. IS this big LB? My H seems to sometimes agree with my negative thoughts about her... and at times... wanted to tell me why I should not think she was so bad... that she was just a normal female and someone he cared for.. that this was more than sf... oh that makes me want to throw up... ICKKKK< YYYYUCK>!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So how do you get OPEN about the A with the WS. I feel the OP knows more than ME, and how fair is that? I am his wife. We are still new in moving forward... and it seems to keep going better.. but still much slower than I would like... my spouse feels I am so much to blame...<p>This too is a big problem for me... as we were both lbing before the A.. and after it too... and he sees his main lb as the a, and not anything else... otto....<p>Thanks for feedback... HONEY

Honey, it took me YEARS for it to not be an LB, mostly because he was too busy trying to keep the lie alive and make me believe nothing had ever happened from what he had already told me.<p>Even now when he is in full Plan A with me he finds it like a terrible love bank withdraw everytime I ask anything about it. <p>I have tried every approach. Smiling, with professional tone, automatic tone, in writting, I just would try singing now see if he doesn't believe I am attacking him.<p>I try I hold him, I even agree in some of the things he says. I position myself where he was and sometimes grasp a bit of the why, but he can't handle it.<p>I am starting to realize that I may never know all I wanted about the A, and it sucks, but oh well.

Honey, <p>Sorry if you the answer to this question is out there somewhere I have been gone for aa few days, but are you in recovery yet? The last thing I remember was that WH was not having contact with the OW but that he still had not come back. <p>I am going to try to respond based upon what I remember about your situation. I think that until he comes to you with the intent to work on the marriage that any talk of the A could be viewed as a LB even if it is not at the time. He could answer questions and agree with things you say about the OW at the time and then turn around and think less of you for talking bad about her. Please do not tell him bad things about her. If she is out of the picture, leave her there. Do not bring her back in to your marriage. Talk bad about her here if you need to, we will listen, but do not talk to him about her. You are only giving her power over you by dwelling on her.<p>As far as asking the questions about the A, give him time to deal with the decision to commit to the marriage again. Don't push him on this right now. If you want to make complete honesty part of your recovery (and I think it is a good idea) then bring it up when he is ready to come back and commit to the marriage. Not as a threat, but more of something that you need to move on. He needs to feel comfortable with the changes that you are making and know that you will not throw all these things he tells you back in his face. Let him open up a little at a time and do not use these things against him no matter how much it hurts. Take it in and thank him for being honest. When he is open with you be ready for anything. <p>And the OW does know more about the A, she was part of it. You will never know as much about it as her because it was part of her. That you will just have to deal with if you want your WH back. It seems harsh, but it is the truth. There is no way he can ever give you a play by play of everything that happened with them. <p>Keep trying and moving forward.
Sinking

I wholeheartedly agree with the previous post if he has yet to commit to the marriage. My WH is totally committed to the marriage, but has recently began wanting to taper down talking about the A so much. He feels like he has told me all and that I'm asking the same questions over and over at some of our most intimate times in our relationship. (right at bedtime etc.) He wants to move forward, yet sometimes questions just nag at me. What we've decided for now is that I will be allowed to ask questions about his interaction with her that day (he still works with her) and questions about the A during only 1 hour of the day, usually beginning about 30 minutes after he gets home. This keeps me from constantly mentioning it and it keeps him from constantly dreading what I may bring up next. It also allows us to share our intimate moments without her being involved.(which is what he desperately wanted). Just knowing I have that hour has allowed me to release some of my thoughts about her and the A. If a question pops in my mind, I don't mention it. I save it for our hour. Quite often I even forget what I wanted to ask and that's a good thing as many times it is just rehashing old stuff and would restart me in "pain" mode. He doesn't look forward to the hour, and I don't much either. But just knowing it's there is comforting. Sometimes while waiting for the hour, I decide that what I wanted to ask is not that important anyway. Therefore, it saves withdrawing a love unit. This system is working great for us so far!

OK, well my H was talking about it, and has been answering my questions... and I have been very down on her... and I know this is an lb. We are growing closer... and in a strange way to me.. some of this talk about HER lets me in the lost part of the puzzle where I do not understand what happened or where he was , et c... makes the lies fit. and the truth comes out... but I do not get it... still...<p>NO, he is not home... so I suspect not yet time to force or work this issue...<p>We are growing closer and spent most of weekend together... he does not want to come home... right now... <p>He does not like our house... and I got a cat since he left and he claims he is allergic,... ad he says he is not sure he can come back yet.. <p>thanks again, H