This isn't fixable. My H doesn't want it fixed. He doesn't see a problem and each day I lose a little more of myself. He just left and I'm sitting here crying so hard I can barely see. When all is said and done it all comes down to one thing. He doesn't want me and he doesn't love me the way I need him to. I'm so tired of feeling useless and worthless and I can't keep letting him hurt me this way. He's only here for the kids and I've accepted that and I've accepting that it takes 2 to repair the damage and I cant do it on my own. I've tried everything and nothing works. I may as well be invisible because he doesn't see me dying right before his eyes It's time for an ending and I just hope it's fast and easy because I don't know how much more I can take.

Awwwweee, Tiny Dancer. I can see you're worn out and tired. I know what you're feeling. I'm so sorry your H is being completely indifferent to your efforts to rebuild and recover. Just try to remember, his unwillingness has nothing to do with you, it's all about him. <p>Your Plan A should be for you to feel better about yourself. To get you strong and feeling good about yourself, regardless of what your foggy H is doing or feeling or saying. <p>What have you done for you to get yourself strong? <p>Lv,
Jo

Tiny Dancer (which is like one of my favorite all-time songs--I was gonna marry ELton John--imagine how much therapy I would have needed after that!)<p>I'm sorry but I know how you feel. My x was emotionally retarded and after my daughter was born, he transferred any affections he might have had for me to her. He never slept in the room with me after that, he slept on the couch for 8 years. I meant nothing to him. And finally, after 18 years of misery, I divorced him. I met my current husband, who is very loving and affectionate and meets so many of my en's that way.<p>There is hope...not all men are like your h and my x. You can find someone who will really love you. Who will call you just to say "I wanted to hear your voice."<p>Hang in there, chickie. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

{{{{{{tinydancer}}}}<p>I'm sorry. You are not worthless, k? Don't let him make you feel that way. <p>We're here for you. Cry all you want... when the cryin's done, we'll help you move forward, k?

Tiny Dancer,<p>Your post brought tears to my eyes. I had to stop writing in my first post to you, I was a bit choked up when you said you might as well be invisible and dieing right before his eyes.<p>It doesn't have to be like this, you deserve the best life God has to offer. You're not here (alive) to be tortured ... God wants your happiness, He glorys in your happiness.<p>I'm saying a prayer for you right now. That God will give you renewed strength, courage and wisdom to continue on.<p>Please be okay and know you're in my thoughts.<p>Lv .. again,
Jo<p>[ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

I haven't been successful yet at this crazy game of winning back a spouses love but I have learned one thing. I've learned that the more miserable and unhappy I've been with him in his A, and the more I've tryed to make him think he's doing something wrong, the more I've pushed him away. <p>I've been most successful when I've been happy and carrying on with my own life, like I don't need him anyway. The results have been like day and night. I think I need to take my own advice here again.<p>Try not to feel like a victim. I know it's hard but if you can be the strong one, you'll be much further ahead.

Thanks for all your support and prayers. I'm so tired of being strong. D-say was June 16,2001 and I found this site shortly after. I was in Plan A before I even knew what it was and although there were a few false starts I think I did pretty well. H refuses to acknowledge the A even though I have proof positive and the OW's H told me what he knows also. H was served with legal separation papers in November and moved out. It was somewhat of a Plan B. He called and saw the kids a lot and he moved back home in February. We went away for our anniversary and things were ok. I have become a better person I think. I used to freak out and yell and now I don't. I have developed much more patience than I have ever had. I like myself more.
I know my H wants me to be strong and I know he wants me to just accept everything as it stands but I can't. He meets almost none of my EN's ever and it's hard to pretend. Zorweb recently told me to try the divorcebuster 180 and I did and H even asked me what was going on with me. He said I was different. So then today comes and for whatever reason he was totally shutting me off. I feel him pulling away and it hurts so much. I cried and he took that as his cue to rant and rave and blame me for everything before he huffed out of the house and slammed the door.
I don't know where this path is going to take me but I do know that I need to come out of it in 1 piece. I understand the problem I just don't know where or how to find the answers.

Tiny - I am sorry that you are feeling this way. We all go through this and that is one of the main reasons that I started posting after just reading for a while. I see so many going through what I have gone through am going through and will go through. <p>One thing to remember, he can not MAKE you feel anything. Those feelings are yours. He can act like a true jack*** and treat you like dirt, but you do not have to feel like dirt. When he is not treating you right, you treat you right. Do not let his actions and workd decide how you feel. Everytime he does something that is not right go do something good for you. Even if it is only painting your nails or buying yourself a diet coke (as you can tell these are my rewards). Find something that makes you feel really good and each time he acts like a baffoon (sp?) do it.<p>As for his reaction to the 180, it did not work. In another chapter in that book it tells you that if something is not working try something else. Don't spend a lot of energy worrying about his reactin to the 180 just try something different. I accidently did a 180 not even thinking about it in those terms and my WH did not react well. So I changed again. Time will tell. Also remember though that in the book she did say that you may not see the results right away. Maybe his initial reaction was not good, but after it sinks in who knows. Keep watching his reactions and taking notes. But while you are doing that, take care of you. <p>Just some thoughts. I will be praying for you in this difficult time. Hang in there. And give yourself a hug for me.<p>Sinking