My Spouse seemingly has a new and different perspective on our M and how we got together etc... than I ever did... <p>HOW I "got" him to marry me... funny I felt quite the pursued one... <p>Is this part of the fog? Just wondering if anyone has heard all kinds of stories about why the ws married them... just when you were feeling low already ,... they start saying ... all the reasons in the world why they were not really into the marriage EVER... never been happy with me... he was saying a few weeks back... although his memory is coming back... I just remember so much good- how does he remember so much bad.. makes me think we were in different places... or our minds were... should I believe him?<p>thanks again, H

This is the fog talking. My H also rewrote our history after the first D-day -- he didn't know if he loved me; he had been unhappy for a long time, etc., etc.<p>I think they do this to justify their actions. Now when we discuss this, he doesn't remember and doesn't know why he said those things.<p>It's so weird that they all say the same things.

I agree, my WH also told me he had been unhappy for many years and that I was the one that drove him to the A. During the A he would come home and just start complaining about any thing he could find about me or our son.<p>I think it is a way for them to justify their cruel actions. They did it because we are such horriable people and they didn't want to be married in the first place, or something along those lines. Of course it has to be something that we have done it has nothing to do with their own character flaws.<p>
Music

HONEY, honey,<p>THEY ALL do this! To hear my x tell it, he never laid a hand on me. Even though the last time, all three kids were standing right there! Of course, he is the long-suffering martyr. Even now that we've been divorced 4 years. He has his friends convinced that I'm persecuting him because I have filed for child support. Not more support, mind you. Just the minimum by law. <p>He doesn't remember when he made me ride the bus home while the car sat in the garage. Ugh! Just thinking about him sets me on fire! It's my goal just to live long enough to see him croak.<p>And new h has 'selective memory', too. I swear, I'm gonna start recording EVERY conversation we have.<p>[ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: diddallas ]</p>

This is the Mothership in control. As the others have said, they have to have reasons to justify and rationalize their behavior. The BS becomes public enemy #1 - the root of everything wrong in their lives. This aspect of affair psychology is so common that it suggests adultery is caused by a common virus - or a common alien abduction.<p>Let's review these infidelity word origins:<p>"rationalize"<p>Ration - meaning to "limit" or "restrict"
-alize - "analysis"<p>"wayward"<p>way - the "path" or "route" to somewhere
ward - "loonie bin"

Ah yes- the rewriting of marital history- it definitely happened to me! After 15 yrs of marriage and 3 kids H told our minister that he married me only because he felt he was at the age he should marry ( 26) despite the fact we had been in love and dated for 2 straight years. H then said he never felt 'emotionally bonded' to me.This came as a total shock to me! H never had said anything like that to me before! He claimed our marriage was OVER in his head before his A became physical so that justified it!!!! Blamed his affair on the fact that I complained too much about moving 5 times for his job to other states, and that I didnt clean or decorate our new house to his satisfaction! H told counselor that he was attracted to single OW at his work because she 'kept her desk so tidy and her condo so clean!" Of course she could -she didnt have 3 kids to mess it up constantly!!!! Thank God I came here and realized he was in the fog because I thought he had gone insane! lifeismessy

DO NOT DESPAIR. Unfortunately, it IS indeed part of the awful fog like state. When my H left to pursue my former best friend, he said "I don't love you. I never did. I think I married you because I felt sorry for you. I deserve to be happy with her, etc." He also patted me on the head and said "Don't cry. I don't want to pity you."<p>Now, he looks back and is horrified with his actions. He does NOT remember any of the awful things he said, but of course I do. <p>My counselor said he was depressed and when people are depressed they ONLY see the negative. She said it's like trying to talk common sense with someone under anesthetic. Drove me crazy!<p>We eventually got back together, after 9 mos of separation and much counseling. It's not easy but it is worth it. Hang in there

yeah, my x 'didn't marry me because he needed a green card'..but he sure didn't give it back when we got a divorce!

me too,<p>My XH's rewrite was that he married me because I pressured him into it. Now you tell me how a person can 'pressure and/or force' a grown person to get married?

Honey-<p>Have you ever been in a room full of people from another country? When they talk to each other, you dont understand a word they are saying, when they talk to you, you usually only understand a little bit of what they are saying. But, to be nice, you smile and nod your head alot. That is exactly what WH is doing.<p>OH, cripes, the things that W has told me about how bad out 13 years have been, I cant even remember them all. Lets see, she never really got a chance to love me, she was forced to marry me because she was pregnant, she was forced to have 4 kids and remain married for 13 years becasue it was expected of her, she knows I have been miserable in the M for a long time, blah, blah, blah, BLAH!<p>Honey, when the dribble starts flowing, just do like you do with the foreigners, smile a lot and nod your head. You know what the truth is, dont let his warped sense of history alter your memories. In the end, the truth will be revealed.<p>Hugs to you Honey, stay strong.
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by maggierose:
<strong>married you because I felt sorry for you.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>OMG<p>That's been ringing in my head recently. <p>Been divorced for almost a year now. <p>Lemme see. More likely I'm the one who felt sorry for her. I let her move into my nice apartment to get her out of the dump she was living in. I helped pay her way through nursing school.<p>Glad to see it's only another symptom of alien abduction syndrome.<p>Kevin

Hey Kev,<p>Good to see you. Is your little one in school yet?<p>Well the WS recollection are not only foggy but they have amesia as well.<p>Mine said, how do you remember it all? My response: How could I forget? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

Here are my WS's rewrites, shortly after our 12th wedding anniversary:<p>1. He really didn't want to marry me, I pushed him into it.
2. I never thought about how my actions would affect his life
3. He only married me because he wanted to appear "normal" (as opposed to what????)
4. I made him hurt other people by telling H I wasn't really interested in going to their parties (and so he declined some invitations)
5. He realized he didn't love me early in the pregnancy with our S (2 years into the marriage) but by then it was too late to break it off.
6. Sex was never any good between us (???????)<p>As some of our wittier posters have said, the Mothership is hovering.

Hey Orchid,<p>Yes, my daughter is in Kindergarten. She's doing pretty well considering.<p>Funny how my 5 y.o. daughter is better behaved than my WS XW. At least I only have one child to raise now.<p>I don't get over to this board much anymore; always on D&D and EN when I'm there at all.<p>WS XW to marry OM in September. Yuck.<p>Kevin

Thanks, it helps to see that it is the fog... sometimes I think my memory is wrong and he is driving me crzy...