Am I correct in thinking that setting boundaries somehow brings WS home? I'm talking about gradually asking for what one needs and insisting on it until it happens.
If a BS was to gradually set more and more boundaries, some at a time, could that somehow lead to a giving up the OW and a fulfilling relationship.?
I don't know why I find it hard to grasp.I need to think the process through.

Setting boundaries may not bring the WS home. But as you set boundaries or Plan B, you no longer meet the WS needs, and the OP is in the position of trying to meet all the needs. Which isn't how most As start. It injects some reality, sometimes the WS realizes how much they miss the BS and the OP isn't what they thought.<p>Boundaries are for your protection, to help safeguard what love you have left, so if your WS does come to the point of reconciliation, you still want to. If your lovebank is drained, and then the WS wants to reconcile, you will likely not be as interested.<p>Sometimes when you are in daily turmoil you don't realize how fast the lovebank is draining.

It works because WS respect strength in the BS! People treat us how we 'teach them' to treat us- as Dr. Phil says often on Oprah! lifeismessy

Setting boundaries does build respect. We do this with many others in our lives. <p>As a parent, teacher, workmate, manager, etc. we let others know when they have crossed our boundaries and not treating us with respect. Right? The WS is no exception. Except that the BS has been wounded and hurt sooo bad, that sometimes we over compensate and give the WS too much. Kinda like spoiling them while they are having the A. So from a warped point of view, why should the WS stop if both the BS and OP are enabling them? Hm..........<p>Bet you are meeting his needs and both of you are not even realizing it. Try withdrawing and the needs are exposed. Think the OP will pick up on it? Maybe for a while but hey, let them carry the whole load and see what it feels like. Most OPs are basically selfish also. They would much rather enjoy the spoils but let the BS do the work. That is where drawing your boundaries comes in. You are in effect telling the Ws and OP, here you do it yourself. I no longer choose to be your slave and enable the A. <p>L.

When I informed by WH that there would be no more revolving door and I was going to limit my contact with him so he would have time to think and see what things would be like without me it really shook him up. I think that for the first time he realized that I might not always be there and that he wasn't in total control of the situation.

I am at this same point and am finding it difficult to understand setting up boundries. If I (BS) tell WS that as long as A continues, then this is how it is going to be...my WS, anyways, already feels like I am trying to control her by trying to get her to stop what she is doing. If I set boundries that restrict her more then it seems to me that she will continue to retreat and maybe even faster.

www.cloudtownsend.com<p>This is the website for the authors of the Boundaries books. You may find it interestiong. I'm reading their first book sinply called Boundaries. They also have one called Boundaries In Marriage which I heard was excellant.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]